Weekend round-up

I had a great weekend.  On Friday, I worked until 6:40pm, then walked home to get changed and go to the gym for about 45 minutes.  I did the following exercises: barbell bench press; dumbbell curl and press; dumbbell lateral raises; and tricep cable press-downs.  It was a good work-out.  I'll note that, for my final set of bench press, I put up 225 pounds for two (2) repetitions, with no spot.  Jeannie and I came back from the gym, and she took a quick shower, after which we made a dinner of salad and mac-n-cheese.  Then I took a shower and we headed out to meet Jeannie's friends, Katy, Deb, and Antoine at Morgan's Pier.  The breeze coming off the Delaware River was really pleasant and the views of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge were spectacular.  We got to Morgan's Pier just in time to see the fireworks at the end of the Camden Riversharks game.  The main downside to Morgan's Pier, however, was the loud volume of the techno music they were playing; it made it kinda hard to talk.  Overall, it was a good night though.

On Saturday, Jeannie and I met up with Corey and Laura for brunch at SoWe.  Jeannie had the crab cakes benedict and I had French toast.  We had a nice time catching up with Corey and Laura, who are getting married in a little more than two (2) months from now.  I feel like Corey and I have grown apart a bit since the suicide of Wagner.  It could be due to the busyness of our respective schedules or our preference to spend our free time with our respective partner, but I also wonder if one or both of us might be backing away out of a reaction to the death of Wagner, as a form of psychological self-preservation or just distancing ourselves from a terrible episode in our recent past.  Anyway, bringing it back to the present, it was great to see Corey and Laura.  After brunch, I dropped-off my brown dress shoes to be re-soled at Paul and Paula's shoe repair shop on South Street near 20th Street.  Then, we stopped in to Neighborhood Books on South Street near 19th, where I bought The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State by Friedrich Engels and The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene (which I'll read in that order).  After that, we came home and rested for a while until Jeannie's friend, Katy, came over for a visit and helped Jeannie to make what turned out to be a delicious chicken pot pie.  Later, around 9pm, my friend Ben and his boyfriend, Kyle, came over to join us.  And later, closer to midnight, Katy's husband, Andrew, stopped by for a few minutes after flying in to PHL.  We all just hung out and watched Spider-Man 3 on television.

Today was a good day.  We started the day as usual by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo.  After getting home and having some cereal for breakfast, Jeannie went out for a walk, while I stayed home to water the plants and do some reading out on the back patio.  The sun felt good and warm.  I drank a couple cups of coffee and really just enjoyed my time outside.  Later, after I gave myself a haircut and Jeannie came home, I ate lunch (left-over chicken pot pie; French vanilla yogurt; and an apple) and took a shower.  Then, we walked the couple blocks over to the Marian Anderson Recreation Center pool, which was such a good idea, because it was so relaxing.  There weren't too many people there, the water was cool and relaxing, and the sun still felt great.  Afterward, we came home and shortly after my friend Rodwin (an old friend from Gettysburg) came by for a visit.  He just spent the last few months in basic training and he leaves tomorrow morning on a cross-country drive to his assignment in Fort Lewis, Washington.  It was very good to see Rod and I felt honored that he would take time from his very tight schedule to come all the way into Philadelphia to see Jeannie and me.  It meant a whole lot and I was happy to see him.  After he left, Jeannie and I spent some quality time together before taking advantage of the beautiful evening to make some burgers on the grill, with a salad and French fries on the side.  Now, Jeannie's waiting for me at the couch so we can enjoy some relaxation as we wind down the weekend.  All in all, it was a very good one.  And for that, I'm very thankful to God.

Several reflections on society

I think all the media and events sympathetic to Trayvon Martin are ridiculous.  Trayvon Martin was bashing George Zimmerman's head into a sidewalk.  George Zimmerman was justified in defending his life.  There was likely poor decision-making on the part of both men, but George Zimmerman did nothing unlawful at any point, either before, during, or after.  And if poor decision-making is a punishable crime, then we're all guilty.

I think it's terrible that the United States has militarized the border with Mexico.  Open the border.  The whole point of the NAFTA was free trade (obviously, since that's part of the acronym).  If the U.S. is in favor of free trade and commerce, then it should be in favor of the free movement of labor.  Labor and capital are two sides of the same coin.  Policies must be consistent, or else they are simply hypocrisy.

I think it's a real shame that so many people of wealth and means are not religious.  Everything you are, everything you have is due to the grace of God.  To be ignorant of that is sinful pride and arrogance.  Failure to give thanks for the people and things in your life, and for life itself, is a sin.  I have little respect for people who think they are "the shit."  God shall humble you when the time is right, and your wealth will be exposed for its worthlessness.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper has been getting lots of publicity, largely negative, for getting caught on camera using the "n-----" word.  I condemned my friend Paul for using the word several years ago.  And I stand in my position that the word should never be used.  But returning to the theme of hypocrisy from above, I disrespect any person that uses the "n-----" word, including persons of African descent and/or dark skin color.  Quit using the word; depending on your appearance you either sound like a racist or an ignorant, uneducated fool.  If the United States is going to be the greatest country in the world, it must act like it; being or looking like a racist or ignorant, uneducated fool demonstrates the opposite of being great.

And speaking of judging others, up until I created a big hullabaloo a few months ago by speaking truth at a weekly unit meeting, my supervisor would frequently use the word "asshole" to describe men, and only men, opposing parties in cases where we considered whether to provide attorney representation to our clients (who, in these particular cases, were women).  I have no tolerance for any kind of racism, sexism, or bias rooted in immutable characteristics.  Quit name-calling others, you sound like an insolent adolescent.  Again, if we're going to be a great nation, each and every one of us must hold ourselves to high standards of conduct, not just for ourselves as individuals, but also as mindful of the example we set for others, especially the young.  Regularly calling any class or category of people an "asshole" or some other offensive word is the opposite of great; it's a base reflection of the reality television culture we live in, where people are implicitly encouraged to speak and act impulsively, often at the expense of other people's dignity.

A Day to Remember

Two significant things happened today.  Both are mile-markers as I approach the coming crossroads in my life.  One was good and one not-so-good.

I'll start with the shitty one.  While delivering a reviewed CASAC case into the mail room, I saw Anita by the mail machine.  As I walked in, I said, "hi Anita!"  She said hi and asked me if I was busy.  I told her that I wasn't, so she followed me into my office and closed the door.  She asked me if I had access to the PLA intranet site; I said no.  She then told me that she had heard from Sue my position that there may be gender bias in the unit, both among the co-workers in the unit and how we assess clients' cases.  I said yes, that's right.  So she told me that she would send to me the link the intranet site, along with the PLA harassment policy.  She said that I could make a report to her or to the chair of the board of directors.  I responded by saying thanks and that I would read it.  And she stood up and walked out of the office.

As soon as she walked out, I thought to myself, "really?  That's it?"  And, in fact, I don't remember the last time that Anita took any personal interest in me whatsoever.  I don't remember the last conversation with her that consisted of more than courteous banter to fill the air and pass the time in the elevator or in the kitchen or something along those lines.  Where's the interest in your employees?  As the leader of an organization that's only about 40 people, how hard is it to show some direct, genuine interest every once in a while?  And how about especially when an employee is dissatisfied, as I have been?  That's not how you run a quality organization, one where your employees are energized to work for you, while also sincerely respecting you due to your consistency, discipline, example, and leadership.  When you think of the great coaches, Vince Lombardi or Pat Summit or Phil Jackson, they're tough, but they show care for their players.  That quite simply lacks at PLA.  Today's sub-par episode in management is just one more strike on the (still only mental) list of grievances.  I ask myself: if that's the leadership, then what does that say about the organization?  Any sane man will jump off a sinking ship.

Before I get too frustrated and disappointed, let me move on to the good news, which is worthy of a new paragraph:
 
Jeannie told me that she's pregnant!  I got home from work around 7:00pm this evening.  We sat down on my bed and she asked me to finally read the card she got for me.  Along with the card was a little mailbox of sorts.  I opened it up and there was a pregnancy stick inside.  I looked at it closely -- not fully comprehending what I was looking at I don't think -- and saw two lines, indicating "pregnant."  I looked at Jeannie, probably in astonishment, and then I kissed her.  We talked about it for a while and I told her that I was very happy to be with her and whatever happens we'll be together and go through it together.  I told her that I have faith in God, so we'll just take it as it comes and go from there.  Obviously this is something I could write about on and on, but I won't do that, mainly because Jeannie is upstairs waiting for me now, but also because I need more time to let it sink in.  I guess you can say that today was a momentous day!  I will say that I feel happy.  As always, I pray for God to guide me (and us).

I love big boobs

Today I have no agenda of what to write.  As I'm typing this I'm waiting for a large pizza to be delivered from Gusto, so I'll just type from the top of my head until that gets here.

Before I finished typing the first sentence of this paragraph (which I just deleted), the pizza got here.  So I ate and now I'm back.

Right now the MLS All-Star Game is on.  It's the MLS All-Stars vs. AS Roma, who's up 1-0 in about the 40th minute.  This year I've gotten much more into watching soccer (futbol).  Once the college basketball season ended, and especially once the NBA season was over, I really started watching lots of soccer: MLS games, CONCACAF Gold Cup games, and probably a couple Liga MX games.  Although there's not always a lot of scoring, I like that the ball is constantly in motion.  That's why I prefer soccer to baseball.  It's also why I predict that by the year 2020 the MLS will be just as popular as MLB.  My reasoning?  In this fast-paced, ADHD, short-attention-span culture, people will become more and more bored by the slow pace of baseball.  I believe that eventually MLS will be America's summer sport, not MLB.

On the topic of constant motion, I need to start doing cardio.  If I'm lucky I get to the gym about twice per week and I only lift weights.  Recently, perhaps due to diet, perhaps due to a largely sedentary lifestyle, perhaps due to age, or perhaps due to a lack of cardio in my diet, I've noticed that I've gained a few pounds.  How did I notice?  The waistline of my dress pants has been a little tight lately.  An idea came to mind the other day: I'd like to do interval sprints with Jeannie.  My idea is to go to a nearby city block where there's a baseball field and a recreation center, then do a 2x4 relay, that is 2 people (Jeannie and I, of course) for 4 laps each (thus, 8 laps total) around the city block.  I haven't proposed the idea to Jeannie yet.  She flies in to PHL tonight at 12:13am after spending a week with her biological mother in Houston.  I'll share my idea with her and see if she's up for it.

So I'm happy that Jeannie will be home.  She's a really sweet girl with a great heart.  She's also very patient with me, which is something I know is necessary in a partner for me.  We get along pretty well and have a lot of similar interests, especially traveling.  And at the risk of sounding too much like a guy, I love that she has big breasts.  I don't think I've ever admitted it out loud to any one, but for as long as I can remember, I always wanted a girlfriend with big breasts.  I would periodically have arguments in my head, where I felt guilty for thinking that I was being too superficial or objectifying, but then I would think to myself that I love big breasts and I want to be with a girl with big breasts.  Most importantly, though, I wondered when I was with other girls (either previous girlfriends or girls I was dating) if I was "settling" for a girl who was nice or attractive, but whether I would always long for or wonder what it would be like to be with a girl with big breasts.  And I think it was that fear of possible regret or even the temptation of cheating (just to feel what it would be like to touch, kiss, suck, and grab big breasts) that would often win out in those internal arguments.  I've always noticed girls with big breasts in public and they're the girls I'm attracted to.  It's been a blessing being with Jeannie.  As I said, she's a quality girl in so many ways and besides that I truly think she's a good fit for me, precisely because she's so caring, so loving, and so patient with me.  Those are the things that matter most, so I know I'm with a good girl.  But the fact that she has DD-cup breasts really seals the deal for me.  I don't care how that sounds, because I admit that, for me at least, it is a fact.  And all these things are what led me to ask Father Ed this past Saturday about what I need to think about and prepare to get married to Jeannie, hopefully some day not too far in the future, God willing.

Sub-par day

I didn't get into work until 10:45am today.  Although I was woken up two or three times last night (I've had the bedroom window and sliding glass door open since Jeannie went away, due to the nice weather), I'm not going to lean on that as an excuse.  If I had a job that excited me and energized me, I might have been a little bit late, but certainly not as late as 10:45am.  In that situation, I wouldn't mind being a little tired, as long as I was at a job that I like.  But even all that isn't an excuse.  I know I need to hold myself to a higher standard and drag my ass into work at a normal hour, whatever it takes.

In spite of the late start, though, I had a pretty productive day.  I caught up on most of my phone calls and I filed a motion for reconsideration on behalf of one of my really difficult clients, P.D.

I would want to write more now, but it's getting late, I still need to clean up in the kitchen, and I have two hearings listed for 9:00am tomorrow.  So let me get going and get ready for bed.  Buenas noches.

Good day today

I'll keep this short, since it's getting late.  Highlights of the day:

1) Helping a humble man, client M.D., by going with him to personally file a motion for special relief at the clerk of family court this afternoon.  We had a nice conversation about God, church, and his relationship with his son, whose mother had denied him access for the past two weeks.  Mr. D. needed our help now, since the name on the caption was his Muslim name, while he now uses his birth name again.  Taking a nice, easy stroll on such a beautiful day, and for such a good cause for a good man, was a great feeling.

2) Having a good, long conversation just now with Mita.  We talked about my relationship with Jeannie and I also told her a lot about my conversation with Father Ed.  I don't often get to talk with Mita like that, but I'm very happy when I do.

3) Oh, and I had a pretty good work-out at the gym earlier this evening: dumbbell incline bench press; dumbbell triceps kick-backs; dumbbell bicep curl and press; and barbell bench press.  As you can see, it was very focused on chest, bi's, and tri's.  Good stuff.  When I got home, I even did a final set of push-ups.

Now, hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight...

Rainy Sunday

Today was a good day.  I began the day by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo.  The message today was the power of prayer.  The Old Testament reading was Abraham asking God to spare the city of Sodom, if there were 50, then 45, then 40, then 30, then 20, then 10 innocent people there, so as not to punish the innocent for the sins of the guilty.  The New Testament reading was the story of the apostles, after seeing Jesus pray in the garden, asking him how to pray and Jesus teaching them how to pray the Lord's Prayer.  I hope to keep in mind the power of prayer, and to use it.  When I left church, I shook hands with Father Ed as usual and I wished him a good week on retreat in Virginia.  I told him that I would pray for him; he responded that he would pray for me too.

I spent some time out on the patio, drinking coffee and reading Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs.  And I spent some time cleaning up the apartment, because I thought Paul might come to visit (he never came through).

Later in the afternoon, I watched USA defeat Panama, 1-0, in the final match of the CONCACAF Gold Cup 2013.  It was a good match.  The first half was pretty even, due largely to the defense on each side.  The second half opened up for the U.S., though, as they clearly had the edge in possession, but just couldn't connect for a while, until Shea came in and tapped in a shot by Landon Donovan for the first, the only, and the winning goal of the match.

Not long after the game, I fell asleep on the couch, after trying to do some more reading.  I didn't sleep very well last night, so it finally caught up to me.  It felt good to take a nap.  There was a lot of heavy rain this afternoon, so it just seemed appropriate to take a nap on the couch.  I'm really thankful for that.

I'm starting to miss Jeannie.  Generally I'm a pretty independent and solitary person, so I've been pretty content to spend time with Rocky and the Baby.  But finally today I'm starting to miss Jeannie's company.  She's a really sweet girl and I'm so happy that she's my girlfriend.  Her not being here is the main reason I would say that today was a good but not a great day.  I'll pick her up from PHL this Wednesday night, but I probably won't be able to truly catch up with her until Thursday after work.  So until then, I'll just try to keep busy, keep my head up, and keep enjoying my time with Rocky and the Baby!

First chat with Father Ed

Life will continue!  May faith carry me forward.  May my experiences be a source of confidence in lessons learned and victories earned, rather than a weight holding me down.  May love be my guiding light, God lead me ahead and those around me either walk with me or step aside.  May I serve others and by doing so fulfill my mission.

Earlier this afternoon, from about 12:30pm to nearly 2:30pm, I sat at a kitchen table in the rectory of St. Charles Borromeo, chatting with Father Ed.  I told him that I was there first to thank him.  I said that in the five months or so that Jeannie and I have been going to church almost every Sunday, I've felt welcomed and very thankful to have St. Charles Borremeo in my life.  I told Father Ed that my second reason for being there was to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better.  My third reason for seeing him gave us a framework to meet that second purpose, the third reason being that I feel myself approaching a crossroads, both professionally and personally, and I hope to go the right way, if that can be said.  So, with that, we talked for a while about his career as a priest in the Roman Catholic Church and how he has gone from one place to another over the course of 36 years as a priest (he said he was ordained as a priest in March (I believe) 1977).  I shared with him the timeline of my life to this point, through childhood and now adulthood, and how I have not usually stayed longer than a handful of years in any one place, so I'm aware that there's very likely a certain inner or subconscious temporal expectation that it will soon be time to move on.

I also told Father Ed that I want to marry Jeannie, so I wanted to know more about marriage in the Church, but also the practical steps that we'd need to take to get there.  His explanations to me were very clear and easy-to-understand.  I told him that I respected and appreciated his lessons, as someone who often must explain complex legal concepts to low-income Philadelphians.  I told him that, if it were up to me, we'd have a simple ceremony as part of a regular mass at St. Charles Borromeo, nothing too fancy or overblown.  I told him that my style and personality is generally humble, so I didn't want to buy into the pomp of the "typical" American wedding.  As an example, I told him that, unlike at least one of the other attorneys with whom I work, I don't need photos of myself throughout the office (or, quite frankly, on facebook) and, in fact, I didn't hang my framed law degrees on my office wall, until finally goaded by co-workers and convinced by my mother that clients would want a sense of confidence instilled by seeing my credentials displayed.  Father Ed said that he never hung his religious degrees either; so I was happy to have something in common with him, something he could relate with me.

The main preparation for marriage is that Jeannie and I must be confirmed, likely in the spring by the bishop at the main cathedral.  Then, both before and after, Jeannie and I can meet with Father Ed to talk about marriage in the Catholic faith, as a means to assure that we're both understanding of the commitment, since it is a sacrament of the Church.  Since Jeannie is away in Houston right now, visiting her biological mother, I'll have to talk with her about this when she's back.

It felt good to sit down and talk with someone.  It felt nice to have a regular conversation, without pretense and also not over any kind of alcoholic drink.  It also felt nice to be on the receiving end of advice, since as a lawyer I'm on the side of the desk that is giving advice.  Even with that distinction, though, it felt to me like an authentic conversation between two men, something that I've missed very much in my life and, if I'm honest with myself, something that has very likely been a part of the dissatisfaction I've been feeling in my life for the past year or two, certainly since the death of Wagner, which seemed to create distance between my Philadelphia friends and me (perhaps out of protective distrust of others?), whereas one would believe that it would have brought us closer together.

At the end, I noticed that the time was getting late and Father Ed had to get ready for the 4:00 p.m. mass, so I thanked him for seeing me, I offered to help him around the rectory grounds any time he needs me, and said that I hoped we can continue the conversation another time soon.  Walking the block and a half home, I felt as satisfied and calm/relieved as I have in a long while.  Before I left, I asked Father Ed to pray for me; he said he would do so during his retreat this coming Monday through Friday in the hills of Virginia.  I hope that God leads me to where I belong.  I really look forward to it.

Keep Calm and Have Faith

I've been listening to a lot of Steely Dan lately.  I like the smoothness of the music, the smartness of the lyrics, and the vague nostalgic feeling that I get when I listen to it.  I've needed the calming effect a lot these days, and I'm grateful for that.

Earlier today, despite the warm, sunny skies, the power at the office cut out about 8 times in the course of half an hour, starting around 11am.  Later, the phones even cut out for a while.  I hung around until about 1:30pm, when we were allowed to go home.  The phones were back, but our connection to the network and to the internet was still down, effectively making it impossible to work, since our case management software is internet-based and we need access to the network in order to open our saved documents.  I was told that, for some unknown reason, there were rolling brown-outs on our block of Chestnut Street.

It felt so good to walk home that time of day.  As I've written about the past couple days (and as I've been thinking about and feeling for at least the past couple months), I feel oppressed, uncomfortable, anxious or all of the above when I'm at work.  Like a dark cloud lifting off my shoulders, leaving work and going home is a transition from bad to good.  To be able to do it much earlier than expected today made it even sweeter.  Something's got to change, that's all I'm gonna say on that topic right here, right now.

I want to be happy, I want to feel like I'm being useful, I want to serve others, I want to use my God-given gifts in a positive way, I want to feel accepted by others, I want to feel comfortable where I work and with the people who work with me, I want to be respected, I want to feel good about myself and the work I do, I want the courage and faith to make a positive change in my life, I want to do God's will, and I pray for God's grace to hear, and hopefully answer, my prayers.

Speaking of faith and God, during the break at work earlier, I called Father Ed on his cell phone and left a voicemail for him, asking to see him some time tomorrow late morning or early afternoon to chat.  My goals in seeing him are just to thank him for making me feel welcome at St. Charles Borromeo, get to know him a little better and have him get to know me a little bit better, and I also think I may mention how I am feeling like I'm very likely approaching a crossroads in my life -- professionally as I've mentioned and also personally as I hope to move forward in my relationship with Jeannie -- and how I would welcome his thoughts or advice on either or both.  I know he left a voicemail for me a little while ago, so I think I'll check that now.

Got some things off my chest

This afternoon, some time around 5:30pm give or take, Sue came into my office and asked me something along the lines of "how have you been?" or "how's it going?"  I told her the truth, I said that I was unhappy.  We talked for at least an hour, if not closer to an hour and a half, since it was nearly 7pm when we finished talking and she left my office.

I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest.  But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego.  In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation.  Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer.  So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue.  In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.

During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation.  First, the anecdote.  I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game.  I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.

Second, the analogy.  I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit.  I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone.  Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together.  I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.

During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself.  I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual.  I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed.  Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.

In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA.  Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA.  Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave.  I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.

Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other.  When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes.  Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.

If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it.  There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.

As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything.  I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave?  I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.

With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring.  In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.

A Return to Writing

I miss writing.  So I'm happy to be back on here.  I'm hoping I can keep up with it.  I have so much to work through, particularly as my career is concerned, that I know that I need to write.  I can feel it in my bones.  It's like the feeling one gets after being sedentary for a good while, when the body finally tells the mind that it's time to get up and start moving around, get the blood flowing, feel alive again.  This is the same kind of thing, but it some ways it goes deeper than that.  It raises one of the big questions: what am I going to do with my life?  Not to say that I ought to dramatize it or make it more than it is.  But these intimations seem to be telling me: the times, they are a-changin'.

To finally verbalize these intimations, I must admit that I haven't been happy with my life at work.  There's a gender bias at PLA, both in assessing cases and also among the co-workers in my unit.  I believe that most of the time it's likely subconscious, or in other words, not intentional.  But my primary contention is that, after pointing it out, I've felt something like an outcast.  I ask myself if I've brought it on myself.  That's very likely, to a substantial degree.  But I also undoubtedly feel like the same undertones and cultural tenor continue.  And that tone is set, as it usually is anywhere else, at the top, here by our supervising attorney.  In fact, just the day before yesterday, at our weekly unit meeting this past Monday, one of the paralegals, a woman, asked our supervisor if our supervisor's assessment of a particular wasn't "sexist."  I'm tired of the emotionally draining environment.  Like a bad relationship -- one in which I feel bad to be who I am, one in which I am no longer growing, one in which I'm not even acknowledged for anything positive, but only criticized in the infrequent opportunities when I can be -- I believe it's time to cut the cord and move on.  My own mental and emotional health depends on it.  Due to the wholeness of life, Jeannie and those others in my life also deserve for me to be at least generally happy.  And due to the shortness of life, why stay in something that doesn't serve a positive purpose?

This externally imposed period of self-reflection leads me to ask even bigger questions, such as: should I even remain in the practice of law?  My outstanding student loans would suggest that I should.  The dreamer in me would suggest maybe not, maybe now is the time to do something else.  I also wonder: should I even remain in Philadelphia?  Again, the practical me would say yes.  But the dreamer in me would say, there's a whole world out there.  And I'm with a girl who would be with me no matter where we go.  For that, and for the blessing to be in the enviable position of having this first-world freedom, I'm very thankful.  I thank God and I pray that God guide me where I need to be.

Saw comedian Kathleen Madigan on her "Gone Madigan" tour at the Xanadu Theatre, Trump Taj Mahal, Atlantic City with Jeannie.

Saw Los Amigos Invisibles at World Café Live for $18.00 with Jeannie, Mita and Eric, and Javi.

Saw Temple vs. Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) at the Liacouras Center, section 119, row T, seat 13, for $18.00 with Jeannie.

Saw Silver Linings Playbook at Riverview 17 for $11.50 with Jeannie.

Saw Temple vs. Rutgers at Lincoln Financial Field, section 105, row 26, seat 9 for $35.00 with Paul.

Saw Temple vs. Villanova at Lincoln Financial Field, section 133, row 23, seat 9 for $20.00 with Wagner, Corey, and Ben.

Saw the Drive Tour, featuring College, Anoraak, and Electric Youth, at Union Transfer for $15.00 with Wagner.

Went to The Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) for $25.00 with Adaliz.

Dear Ileana, I'm in Key West for Paul's wedding to Sarah-Jane.  To see and catch-up with my friends who are married and to see Paul and Sarah-Jane, I'm opening my eyes to the realization that you don't love me.  You consistently, over and over again, cheated on me with other guys.  Even if you try to justify that you did what you did at times when we were broken up, it doesn't matter; if you loved me, you wouldn't want to be with anyone else.  So let me ask you point-blank: why did you waste 2 1/2 years of my life, when the truth was that you still wanted: 1) to be with Stefan (offended that he had the gall to leave you, and then jealous when he started dating and fucking the Brazilian girl, Fernanda?), and/or b) to see how it felt to touch and have other dicks inside of you?  I now believe that you lied to me when you said, when you were leaving me on March 2nd, that this had nothing to do with other guys, yet just last Sunday Wagner saw you walking with a guy down the Schuylkill River Trail.  What's with your fucking inability to tell the truth???  I remember telling you way back at the beginning of our relationship to be honest with yourself and then honest with others.  But you couldn't do it: you didn't break-up with Stefan even though you were spending almost every single day with me.  You were living a lie, and I told you so.  And it sure seems that 2 1/2 years later, you have not matured, you have not learned that lesson, because you were telling me that we were exclusive, that we were boyfriend-girlfriend again, yet you were at least kissing the dj, if not other guys, and if not touching their dicks too.  I would not be even a tiny bit surprised to find out that you were fucking other guys in 2012 while also having sex with me.  What's the truth, Ileana?  Have the decency to come clean.  I want to know the entire truth.  It'll help me to move on.  Love,

Dear Ileana, As I write this I'm bawling like a baby.  I'm watching Benjamin Button on tv and its making me cry.  First, I remember we watched it together.  So many things remind me of you.  This is so hard . . . I miss you so much my heart feels like its dying.  I've never loved a woman as much as I've loved you.  But my heart is beginning, just the littlest bit, to tell me that I've lost you forever.  Second, the movie is making me cry, because it reminds me that I'm going to die some day, it may be soon or it may be many years from now.  But there is no doubt I will no longer be here someday.  And as I cry hysterically here, I pray to God for the blessing to one day love again, even though I may not deserve it.  I hope to God that one day I feel and know true love again.  I'm all alone; I have been since you left me.  I'm no longer so immature to think that sex with someone whom I don't love will provide me any sort of contentment.  I'm not an animal, and I will not use a woman for quick, easy sex for my own selfish motivations.  I'm a mature and respectful man, so I intend to only have sex when I am in love again.  My intense sadness arises from the reality that the woman I now love -- you, Ileana -- does not love me, is not here with me in any way -- not sexually, not physically, not emotionally, nothing.  I'm a good man, willing to give my heart, love, and passion to a woman who loves me.  I feel so utterly hopeless right now.  I feel betrayed, not just specifically by you, but by life in general.  Will I ever be loved by a woman again?  Will you, Ileana, ever love me again?  I know that I'm just a regular guy, not rich or famous in any way, not hip or cool or in any in crowd.  I've dedicated my life to helping those less fortunate.  If this is the only form of love I can give, then I will die someday accepting it as God's will.  And from time to time, I'll think about you, Ileana, and wonder . . . I will love you until the day I die, no matter what.  I love you now.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Wow, two interesting updates today.  First, you text me at 11am.  Second, I talked to Wagner tonight and he told me that he saw you on a walk this past Sunday late afternoon on the Schuylkill with a white guy possibly blonde hair.  I know that I shouldn't read too much into either one.  For your text, I could think: oh wow, she misses me and she wants to open communication to see if we could be together again.  But then I look at what you wrote which, in essence, was simply: hi, how are you?  And that doesn't have to mean anything but just that.  Then, for the walk with the guy, I could think: oh no, she's moved on from me, she's dating this guy, she's probably sleeping over his place, probably that night after the walk, which means you've likely had sex with someone else now since leaving me.  But then I think to myself: don't jump to conclusions, they weren't holding hands, and Ileana is not attracted to blonde guys (if Wagner's memory serves him correctly).  So, the take-away from all of this is I should assume nothing and try to keep an even keel.  Either you love me or you don't.  Either you intend to be with me again someday or you don't.  And you're the one who left me, you're the one who said she was confused.  So my initial reaction right now is that I'm not gonna respond to your text.  If you truly love me and you've become un-confused, you'll come find me and tell me that directly, not merely send a text message saying a platonic "hi, how are you?"  And until or unless you make the move to state your true love for me that has become clear to you, I want nothing else from you.  I don't want to be friends with a girl who consistently hooked up with other guys for the past 9+ months, who physically hit me numerous times when she got angry, who didn't often compliment me or even seem to like me, who didn't kiss me passionately just because, and who was able to lie to my face.  The only force in the universe capable of overcoming all that is true, real LOVE, expressed genuinely and willingly and passionately and consistently.  If you can't, won't, or don't want to LOVE me, then leave me alone.  I love you, Ileana.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Last night, after writing, I turned off the light, lied back in bed and prayed like I do every night.  While praying last night I broke down and cried hard.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I feel so empty, like there's nothing that can make me happy.  I have no interest in other women, because I have nothing to give.  I gave my heart to you and you still have it.  My empty chest can't provide anything to anyone.  As much as I want to see you and talk with you and be with you, I fear that I'm so dead, that I'll actually turn you off.  So I'm in this terrible funk where my separation from you is causing all this suffering, yet to see you too soon would probably hurt my chances for what I ultimately hope for: to be with you again.  Which leaves me with no real choice but to continue suffering, wondering if you still love me and if we will have a future together again.  I had the missed call from you back on Saturday, April 7th, but I haven't heard from you since then.  What am I to think?  Am I being impatient like I have been in the past?  Or am I a fool that's holding out hope in a hopeless situation?  I'm scared of losing you.  I'm not ignorant of our rough times, but I always thought that we'd get through everything.  I felt that we had something special, that could not be destroyed, that would survive every challenge no matter what.  Was I right?  Or was I wrong?  I love you and I miss you so much.  I remember you were with me when I bought this pad of paper at Rite-Aid at 23rd & Walnut.  I never would've guessed that one day I'd be writing love letters, of a love lost, to you on this very pad of paper.  We both have things that we need to work on, need to learn, but I thought we had a good relationship -- all the hours we spent together, all the things we did together.  Why can't we be together now?  Like Michael Grimm covered Al Green on America's Got Talent: "Let's Stay Together."  Please Ileana, I love you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Another night and another step closer to the abyss.  I don't see a future for myself.  I don't like being alone any more.  I really can't stand other women because none of them compare to you.  In fact I pissed off Cherise tonight (she's in town this week for business; she's staying in a hotel all week), when I told her that I never wanna be with another woman if it isn't with you (meaning you, Ileana).  She got angry and told me I was being dramatic.  I said that that's how I truly feel in my heart, so I don't think that's dramatic, even if that's her opinion.  Yet objectively, I maybe look foolish, especially if the whole truth, both sides are put side-by-side.  I say that because I'm feeling negative still; I have this sinking feeling that you may already be dating someone else and sleeping with them.  Is this true?  Please be honest with me; at this point, you probably have nothing to lose.  Plus, as you can see from all these letters, I'm still hanging on; if I know you're falling in love with someone else, then I'll know that you no longer love me and I'll have to move on.  Right now, I can't, because I don't want to; I still love you, so I have hope that we'll be together again.  And if I think you're just alone, then I'll keep up hope that you'll come back to me someday.  Do you see where it's actually nicer to tell me the hard truth? rather than know that you're making me lose time and suffer for a possibility that's not really possible?  That's why I ask you, out of all respect and decency, please -- in a nice but direct way -- tell me the truth.  And don't water it down.  Tell it to me straight -- if you're falling in love with someone else, if you already love someone else, if you're in a relationship with someone else, if you've moved in with someone else, if you have a new boyfriend, if you're consistently having sex with someone else.  Just tell me the truth and then I'll realize that I've lost you.  I thought we had something rare and good and special; but if you don't agree, then it doesn't matter what I think.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Let me warn you, I'm feeling kinda negative tonight.  My fear is winning out over my hope.  I have this bad feeling that you may have slept with someone already, at least in a literal sense and maybe also in a sexual sense.  The thought of either one, but particularly the latter, hurts me and makes me feel sick to my stomach.  It hurts to think of you with someone else.  I don't want you to be with anyone else!  I want you to be with me.  We have such good chemistry and passion, I don't know why you'd wanna be with anyone else.  I don't want to be with another woman but you.  I want us to hug and kiss and everything else every night.  I want to fall asleep next to you.  I want to wake up next to you.  This sucks, I hope to God you're not with anyone else!  I'm just so baffled by how we got here.  Can you please explain to me someday what happened on Friday, March 2nd?  It was so sudden and out of the blue.  I thought we were doing okay and heading in a good direction.  If there was something I should've done, or shouldn't have done, or should've done differently, I wish you would've talked to me and let me know.  Only 1 week before you had written me in a text: "I want you to trust me.  I can be faithful to you."  You wrote that on Thursday, February 23rd, only 8 days before you left me.  What happened???  Where did things go wrong???  Were you telling me, but I wasn't listening?  Was I just plain ignorant?  If you just needed some space, then I would've been okay with that; all I was asking for in return was regular communication.  Ileana, I honestly, deep down in my heart, think we are very, very good for each other, if only we communicate well.  I need to be kinder in my words to you and more patient overall; You need to be more willing to talk to me, as opposed to shutting down, especially when you're angry at me.  If we could do our part, our relationship would be great, because it was when there was no conflict or anger.  But it all ended because you shut down.  Please come back!  Love,

Dear Ileana, I have never loved another woman the way that I love you.  I hope we can be together again some day.  I know I need to be patient.  I know I need to give you space.  I feel like, in a lot of ways, we were both premature at getting back together in January, but we both feared too much time going by for fear of losing each other, when in fact we should've had faith that we'd still love each other even as some more time went by.  I feel like we were premature, we should've let more of the negative emotions -- guilt and resentment -- dissipate before getting back together again.  So, with the hope of actually learning our lessons, I'm trying my hardest to stay patient and respect your space.  But its getting really hard and I'm starting to feel the urge to take action, to do something, to reach out to you.  I'm thinking about your missed call from last Saturday and I'm very tempted to call you back.  Its so hard not having you as part of my daily life.  Its frustrating too because tonight is Saturday night and I can only imagine what you're doing.  I pray to God that you don't do anything impulsive.  I'm gonna say it point-blank: I miss having sex with you.  I miss when we get naked standing up and hug each other.  I miss getting under the blankets with you.  I miss the excitement of kissing you.  I really miss going down on you.  I miss you going down on me.  I miss grabbing your ass.  I miss seeing your beautiful face by the twilight of your or my bedroom.  I miss touching and kissing your body all over.  I really miss kissing your neck.  I miss holding hands with you, in bed, walking down the street, on the couch, anywhere.  I miss your beautiful body Ileana.  I don't want to be intimate with any woman but you.  I miss you so much.  And that's part of why its so hard for me to be patient and respect your space, though recent history tells me that I must.  It will make it all the sweeter when we are finally together again.  I hope you feel and want the same thing.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I cried again tonight because I miss you so much.  I'm not sure what else to say right now.  I'm writing all these letters because I want you to see, know, and believe some day when you read them that I really, truly do love you, and I don't want to be with anyone but you.  But then I wonder: has there ever been a question that I love you?  For the most part I think: not really.  Then I think that if you focus on my biggest mistakes, my most hurtful moments towards you, then I think that maybe you have questioned my love for you.  And my response to that is: I love you with my whole heart and soul, so much so that, if I can't be with you, I prefer to be alone.  I love you so much that I am willing to wait for you.  My mistakes were moments of weakness, and very hard lessons learned, of what never to do again, words and deeds for which I have prayed for God's forgiveness, and for which I beg for your forgiveness.  My love for you is so great that I am committed to accepting responsibility for those mistakes and making change to be a better man.  I believe I've been doing that and I'll keep doing that.  But anyway, I'm kinda getting off track, because I believe you already know that I love you; at least I hope so.  If I understand our break-up, then I think the true question is whether you love me.  And I think you need time and space apart from me to discover the answer.  In my heart, I believe you love me, but you've been hurt by me, and you reacted to that hurt in ways that you now feel guilty about, which makes it even more difficult to both give and receive love.  That's my opinion, and I pray to God that I'm right, because if I am, then ultimately, at our core, we both love each other deeply.  And if that is true, then we will be together again, according to God's will.  I have faith (that's definitely being tested) that this break will allow negativity to dissipate and go away, to be replaced by forgiveness, and finally true love.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I'm so sad.  My life feels so empty without you in it.  Yeah, I've got a great network of friends and people that care about me.  And I thank God for those people because I don't know where I'd be or how I'd feel without them and their support.  But Ileana, no one can replace you.  I don't believe there's a single person in this world that could ever replace you.  I miss you so much it hurts.  Then I wonder, have I depended on you too much for my happiness?  If so, that's a problem, and it explains how I'm feeling now.  And it makes sense that maybe you did the same with me.  And if that's so, then that was a form of pressure that we put on each other.  And that makes sense too.  Looking back, and not even that far, I should've encouraged you and made sure, for example, that you went to that all-day panel at Taller just a month or so ago.  And you should've encouraged me to buy a bicycle and start riding it regularly.  We both should've pushed each other to follow-through on private salsa lessons: it would've been fun and it would've brought us closer together.  I think we both unintentionally fell into the trap of our daily routines.  This is a big lesson we both need to learn, and hopefully God willing, with each other.  I hope you know, Ileana, that I didn't intend for you to feel in "handcuffs," like you said in our last conversation.  You should know that because I've always been one to go out, to party, to eat, to walk, to go on adventures, etc., and you know that because we've done all of those things together.  I wanna do those things with you again: I want to travel to new places, I want to go dancing frequently (so I get better too!), I want to go on random, spontaneous adventures within and outside the city, I want to try new activities that we've never done.  In a nutshell, I want to live life, deeply and happily, with you Ileana.  I want no one else but you and I know we can do this. Love,

Dear Ileana, It's now been 40 days and 40 nights since you've left me.  I guess this milestone may be biblically important, but to me it's just a sad reminder that I've gone that long without you in my life.  I will say, though, that every morning you are the first thing on my mind and every night you are the last thing on my mind.  I also want to let you know that I pray to God every single night before falling asleep, and I often pray for God to protect you, lead you away from temptation, and to heal your heart too.  I'm definitely still in the process of healing.  While talking with Diane earlier today, I realized that I sounded so bitter about things with us.  Afterwards I felt shameful, because I know in my heart that I love you.  It's just that I feel very hurt still, that's just the truth.  I want to heal.  I want to forgive you.  I also want to forgive myself for some things that I've said and done.  This will all take time.  A few people have acted or been surprised that I'm so torn up about you.  In fact, I've been so depressed that I've missed a lot of work.  That opinion (of a few) reminds me of something you thought about me before you moved out, when you thought that you couldn't appreciate any of my attention because you didn't think it was genuine enough.  And that opinion of me really hurts me a lot.  Why did you not believe that my love for you was genuine?  Yeah, I made some mistakes, but I admit them, and I'm sorry for them, and I hope you forgive me; but I have always loved you.  And the fact that some others are surprised that I'm so hurt, I don't understand!  I love you, Ileana.  So the fact that you're not with me is killing me.  It's pretty straightforward.  So why don't some others believe???  I haven't left you and I haven't quickly moved on to some other girl from South America!  I LOVE YOU!!!  God knows this is true; I cried just last night in the middle of my prayer to God.  If I have to prove it to the whole world, I will.  But first, I want you to believe me.  I love you Ileana.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I was just thinking back and I realized that it's already been 6 months since I went to Montreal. It makes me feel sad, because I felt like that may have been the last time that we were really on the same page.  I remember when I crossed the street late at night, and we hugged, and you told me that you missed me, and I felt so amazingly happy to be in your arms again.  Just writing about it now brings tears to my eyes, I felt so happy!  I really thought and felt that we were on the same page.  So where did we go wrong?  I feel like, below the surface, maybe I still felt hurt and resentful of the Whisper incident and maybe those feelings weren't fully resolved, through apology and forgiveness.  Perhaps similarly, below the surface, maybe, probably you still felt hurt and resentful of things I had said and done to you, and maybe those feelings weren't fully resolved, through apology and forgiveness.  If we stand any chance at being together again, we have to heal, and I have faith that will certainly happen.  The true question is whether there will still be love in our hearts for each other at that point.  If so, I think we would have to finish that process of sincere, heartfelt apology, followed by genuine forgiveness.  To this very day, I do not believe that we ever intended to hurt one another.  I never meant to hurt you, Ileana, and I don't believe that you ever meant to hurt me.  We both know each other very well, and we both know that we're good people.  But when we both realized that we had hurt the other, at times very deeply, our guilt began to mount, while our trust in the other began to diminish.  If we had recognized that, and like you had said, if we had resolved our issues, I believe in the bottom of my heart that we'd be together, happy and stronger for the experience.  I still pray to God, if it is God's will, that we can be together again, happy and good.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I just got back from Tom Burke's viewing.  After kneeling at the side of his open casket and saying a prayer, I had to step outside to cry.  Seeing him dead brought to the surface all the terrible feelings of loss that have been in my heart since losing you.  I cried.  I prayed to God, as I have every single day since you left me.  God knows how much I've been suffering.  To have been with you and to have been in contact with you for almost every day for nearly two and a half years, and then suddenly you abandon me completely and even block forms of communication is like a form of death, but yet I know you're still close by, alive and breathing, and I have no idea who you're with, what you're doing, and whether I exist for you.  Losing you has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  Where did we go wrong???  Are we past the point of no return?  Is there any chance for us to be together again?  I'm still reading the Bible.  I'm almost done with Psalms.  I reflect on the example God set in the Old Testament: He kept loving the Israelites, even though time and time again, they forget about Him and they turn their back on Him, but they eventually realize time after time that God's love is true, so they always return to God.  I wonder, I dream, could it be that way with you and me?  Can we come back to each other some day? and get it right, learn from our lessons, and treat each other right?  Or am I a silly dreamer, holding on to a fantasy that you don't have, that you might even laugh at?  I don't know what to say, how to feel.  I just know that, despite the negative feelings that still linger (and I pray to God will dissipate and disappear), I miss you so very much and I still love you.  There's no other woman I want but you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I really miss you a lot.  I think you're an amazing young woman, both intelligent and beautiful.  You're a rare breed and I'm sure you know it.  I really miss our time together.  I thought we had a good thing, but I guess you don't agree.  And as attracted as I am to you, I guess you don't feel the same way about me.  I don't understand why you moved in with me.  I don't understand why you came back to me in January and February.  I don't understand why you promised to be exclusive.  I don't understand why you started dating me at all.  I don't think you ever loved me, not for one day, not even for one minute.  I don't even think you ever liked me.  So why did you start dating me?  Is it because you wanted to teach a lesson to Stefan: that he was making a mistake by leaving you for Brazil?  Do you think you were successful at teaching him that lesson?  Do you realize that you did it at the expense of a man's heart and over two years of a man's mortal life?  You used me as an instrument.  You used me.  Put yourself in my shoes, in my head, and in my heart.  How do you think I feel?  Despite all the hurt you've put me through, I still love you.  And that's the really hard thing to deal with right now.  You dragged me along, not realizing that my love for you kept getting deeper and deeper.  Its hard for me to imagine my life without you, yet that's exactly what's been forced on me.  I guess I should start thinking of moving on.  But each and every day is a struggle.  I think of you non-stop.  You're still in my heart.  But what choice do I have?  I just wish you had been honest with me all along, but most especially at the end.  I don't think you were.  In fact, I know you weren't, because your words and actions were so wildly inconsistent that something, some parts of that, had to have been a fraudulent act.  Why?  Love,

Dear Ileana, I had a missed call from you earlier today, just past 3:30pm.  I didn't realize the phone was ringing, and I'm glad I didn't realize it.  My theory is that you were probably deleting my number from your contacts, and you accidentally dialed me, then when you realized that you were calling me, you immediately hung up, then promptly deleted my number.  This is a pretty reasonable theory, considering you've cut me off in almost every other possible way.  Plus, I can't imagine why you'd actually want to call me at 3:30pm on a Saturday.  I'm guessing you already had plans tonight to hang out with some guy.  And how can I compete with any of these guys?  I'm not full-blooded Latino.  I'm not an artist.  I'm not a dj.  I'm not the lead singer in a rock band.  I don't have a Latino last name.  You don't have a crush on me.  I don't have groupies.  All I am is a guy who's dedicated his life to those who are less fortunate.  I've asked God, years ago, to use me and my skills to fight for the rights of those who don't have a voice.  Although I have the ability to make a lot of money, to this point I've forsaken that to serve those who are underprivileged.  I'm a humble man with considerable skill and the willingness to fight anyone.  But I get the feeling that, in your eyes, I'm a nobody, none of that means anything.  I'm not famous.  And you are a beautiful, intelligent Latina that deserves more than a man who fits my profile.  Isn't that right?  And so, earlier today, you were probably deleting my number, to psychologically move on from me, and to make room for your new love interest or crush, but you accidentally called me.  Oh well.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I just got done crying for a while.  My heart hurts so much.  You were like family to me, and I've lost you.  You were my best friend, and I've lost you.  When I envisioned my future, I saw you there with me, but it seems I've lost you.  I'm so sad.  I feel so hurt.  I think that, by this point, you've almost certainly kissed another guy or guys.  That hurts me deeply to think of that.  I think that it's even possible that you may have had sex with another guy or guys.  That thought kills me.  I still love you Ileana, so to think of you with anyone else hurts me and pierces me to my core.  Do you even know how I feel?  Do you not love me at all?  My life feels so empty without you.  I think of you every single day, yet you're not here.  This hurts so badly.  It doesn't seem fair.  Stefan left for Brazil and at some point in the few months he was there he found a girlfriend, who he brought back to Philly and he's still with, if I remember correctly.  That proves right there that his feelings for you were not true love.  And yet my instinct tells me that your feelings for him, even after all this time, are stronger than your feelings for me.  Yet I'm the one that cries for you, I haven't left you for anyone, my heart belongs to you, I've admitted my mistakes, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove my love to you.  But you turn your back to me and walk away from my true, sincere love.  Why?  You've never told me the real reason.  Why did you leave me?  I still love you Ileana and I will continue to love you, because love is not a switch to be turned on and off, and if its real, it will live on, despite any obstacles or challenges.  There is no force in the universe more powerful than love.  I love you Ileana for everything you are and I will, no matter what.  Love,

Dear Ileana, You broke my heart.  Why?  I went out tonight for Carmen's birthday.  There were other people from work there.  I got the impression at one point that you would've joined us, but you decided not to because I was there.  Was I so bad to you that you don't even want to see me?  I don't understand.  What did I do to you?  It really sucks.  There were at least two girls tonight that I'm sure liked me.  Why don't you like me?  If you had the chance, would you tell those two girls how bad and terrible I am?  Would you tell them all the reasons why they should pass me by for a dj or a rock band singer or an artist instead?  Do those titles make those guys better than me?  What makes me such a terrible guy in your eyes?  Why do you avoid me?  Why do you put up wall after wall between us?  I don't understand.  People like me, yet you don't.  I don't get it.  I've always wanted to be an intelligent, athletic, and kind person.  Have I failed?  Compared to all the other guys in Philadelphia or in the whole world, am I really that undesirable?  Why couldn't you be honest with me about your reason for leaving me?  You lied to me until the very end.  Why did you lie?  How could you lie to my face?  Did I not deserve the respect of honesty?  Was I that unworthy, to be dealt lies?  You make me feel like shit.  You make me feel like a bad person.  You make me feel like I'm lacking something.  You make me feel like less than a man.  You've destroyed my confidence.  You've bruised my ego.  You've killed my spirit.  Why have you done all these things to me?  Do I deserve all these things?  Please tell me the truth.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Before you walked out on me on Friday, March 2nd, you said that you wanted to be friends with me.  Why?  You had already de-friended me on facebook.  Some time the next week you blocked me on gmail chat.  I haven't heard from you at all since then.  Starting in at least June 2011, according to your own admission, you consistently hooked up with other guys at least every two months, all the way up until today.  So why did you want to be friends with me?  Before you moved in with me at 18th & Fitzwater, you wrote that you weren't thrilled to be with me.  And even in our last go-around in February of this year, you didn't even seem to like me, let alone love me.  So again, why did you want to be friends with me?  Do you want to be friends with me today, whenever it is that you're finally reading this?  Ileana, I don't understand how things got to this place.  Yes, I made mistakes, but I've always loved you.  Yes, in some ways, although I was undoubtedly attracted to you from the moment I met you, my love for you took time to take root and grow.  Although I too went through periods of self-doubt and insecurity in the relationship, when the going got tough, I was always committed to you and to our relationship.  I know that, in my own ways, I was also inconsistent at points of our relationship, and looking back, I'm sorry for the message that sent to you, but in the end, and throughout it all, I knew that I wanted no one but you.  So again, despite our troubles, how did we get to this point?  As I write this now, I miss you so much, and not because I'm lonely, but because I miss you, Ileana.  As I write this now, I want to be more than just friends with you.  Of course, the more time that goes by, the more it seems that you don't even want to be friends with me.  That hurts.  I hope my fears are wrong.  Love,

Dear Ileana, My hope for us is starting to fade.  I know how I feel and I love you.  But I just don't have a lot of faith that you love me.  Maybe I'm not giving you enough credit or maybe I'm just scared.  Or maybe you really don't love me.  I have no way, right now, of knowing for sure.  So I can only guess, and that means falling prey to the ups and downs of my daily hopes and fears.  I know that there are several things that I will never do in any relationship with any woman in the future, including and especially you, if I get that opportunity.  These are lessons learned from my relationship with you, and understanding that I did things that really harmed the relationship and that really hurt your feelings.  I'm still very sorry for these mistakes and I will continue to pray for your forgiveness.  I love you, Ileana, please believe me.  That's why I feel so badly that I gave in to impulses and immature reactions that sent you a message other than love.  These are my promises to myself and my future, and if you can forgive me, to you too: I will never cheat again, never, its not worth it, and its so dishonorable; I will never hit a woman, never ever, its also not worth it, its reactionary and undignified for a man to do that to a woman; I will speak kindly to my woman, in other words I will be aware of how my words affect other people, especially those who love me and deserve my positive, reassuring support; I will make my woman my number one priority, meaning that although I will be responsible to my job and work responsibilities, whenever reasonably possible, I will make time to be with my woman, I want her to be the center of my world, not just as a cliche, but in my everyday choices in life, including compromising and doing things that she wants to do, especially with her friends too.  These are four huge lessons that I have learned.  I wonder if I'll be able to show you.  I wonder if you love me.  I wonder if I'll be with you again.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I've been feeling pretty stoic about us today.  I know that either you love me and I'll hear from you again or you don't and I won't.  I have a lot of faith that it's the first one.  Neither one of us would've stuck through some of those challenging times if we didn't truly love one another.  Neither one of us would've cried so many tears if our whole heart wasn't in it and wanted us to work so badly.  Neither one of us would've exhibited the passion we have for the other, time after time after time, in both positive and negative manifestations.  That passion, that desire, that magnetism is love.  Our problem was that all too often we didn't trust that the other truly loved.  And I think the reason for that is that neither one of us felt like we deserved the love of the other.  Our own individual fears, insecurities, and lack -- or less than enough -- of self-love killed this relationship.  Since we didn't feel like we deserved the other's love, any mistake by the other party only validated and supported that insecurity, and from there it was just a downward vicious cycle of waiting for the other person to mess up to "prove" that we didn't love each other.  It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And yet we both love each other so much.  And like all true love, it will never die.  Looking forward from here, then, the question is not whether we will still love each other; we will.  The question is whether the timing will be right -- after we internally forgive ourselves and each other, completely -- for us to one day be together again.  And if that happens, the immediate challenge is demonstrating to each other through consistent actions that we love each other and that we feel secure enough to deserve each other's love.  In other words, our love must be for ourselves and for each other, which goes back to truly having forgiven ourselves and each other for our past mistakes.  I know that seems like a lot needed to happen, but I have faith that if it is true love, then anything is possible.  Love,

Dear Ileana, "From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl, my heart said follow through."  Those are the opening lines, if you don't recognize them, from a Bob Marley song.  Since meeting you, every time I hear them, I think of you, because they describe so perfectly my experience with you.  I've never had that experience, or felt that way about any other woman, ever.  So I know that that moment is very rare.  And I really don't know, of course, or believe that that will ever happen to me before I die.  I've always said that the connection we have is very special.  And no matter what kinds of mistakes we've both made over the course of the relationship, in spite of any and all regrets, nothing can ever take away from the beauty and rarity of those feelings, and intuitions, when we first met.  That's why it's so frustrating now to be apart from you, with the thought and possibility, that we didn't make it work, even though we have something so rare and special.  But when my faith is clear and strong, I know that if I truly love you and if you truly love me, then someday we will be together again.  The rarity and specialness of our connection is something that, with time apart, will hopefully shine through and become more apparent over time.  I have no idea what you're feeling today or what you'll be feeling tomorrow, but I can only hope that you recognize our very special attraction, and if it is Gods's will, we'll be together again when the time is right for both of us.  I know there are a lot of negative feelings right now and recently: resentment, guilt, regret; but love will always outlast those bad feelings.  Its happened for many others, so I know it can happen with us.  I'm trying to be patient, which is something that I'm not always good at, but maybe for me, that's part of why this is our reality.  I'm willing to face any challenges, with the faith that they're opportunity for growth, and eventual happiness, hopefully with you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I love you with my whole heart and soul.  It's been 30 days since I last saw you face-to-face.  Only God knows how many more days until I see you again.  It's been tremendously difficult to be apart from you.  When I think back on our relationship, I wish it had been different.  Knowing how I feel today, I wish I had done things differently to avoid getting to this point.  I wish we could start all over.  And maybe that's the point of where we're at right now, to be apart for a while, so that we can start all over again in the future, but this time with the lessons learned from the first go-around.  But I know there are no guarantees.  And I really don't know how you feel today or how you'll feel in the future.  That's the hard part for me right now: not knowing if you think of me, not knowing if you miss me, not knowing if you love me.  This is fast becoming one of the most challenging periods of my life.  But I'm willing to take it on.  The only thing I have control over is learning my lessons, so I'm a better man as a result.  I want to be a better boyfriend to you.  I want to be a better man for me and for you.  I want to make you happy.  I want you to feel safe with me.  I want you to have fun with me.  I want you to trust me.  I want you to feel thrilled to be with me.  I want to make you laugh.  I want you to feel proud to be with me.  All those things can only happen if I feel good about myself, if I'm happy, and if I've learned from my mistakes.  All those things can only happen if I treat you like the most special woman in the world, as the beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman that you are, at all times every day.  I will do so, if it's God's will that we be together again some day.  My attraction to you was instantaneous, but my love for you took root over the entire course of our relationship.  I accept that that was God's will.  But now that my love is present I don't want to do anything, in word or in deed, to betray that love.  I simply will not.  I want to love you every day for the rest of my life.  Love,

Saw Fela! at the Academy of Music, balcony, section F, row F, seat 1, for $40.00 with Carmen.

Saw Temple vs. Massachusetts at the Liacouras Center, section 102, row F, seat 8, for $35.00.

Saw Penn vs. Harvard at The Palestra, section 216, row 11, seat 20, for $20.00 with Corey and Wagner.

Saw Temple vs. Villanova at the Liacouras Center, section 102, row U, seat 10, for $35.00.

Ileana, you were unfaithful to me time and time again.  You betrayed me and the relationship.  Naturally, that made you feel guilty.  You even thought about other guys while you were with me.  You poisoned this relationship to its core before I ever crossed any lines.  What I did this past Saturday night, and two other times, has no defense or justification.  But it was a reaction and an expression of my intense hurt from your betrayal.  Think about this, I literally stood five feet from you as I watched another guy put his whole tongue in your mouth, while grabbing your ass with both hands and picking you up from the floor.  You were holding his hand and smiling in a daze.  Now fast forward to the night before Thanksgiving, when you were out until 2am without communicating with me, and then my birthday party night, when instead of being here with me, you decided to wear a super short skirt and go alone to Silk City.  You've hurt me!  I know I'm paying the price for overreacting, I wish I had been more mature.  I hope you someday forgive me.  But you hurt me deeply, in a place where it takes a long time to heal.  You knew I loved you , yet you were unfaithful.  Just like in the very beginning, you were living a lie, that's what causes unhappiness!  Your own guilt was eating you away, and finally, inevitably, I found out, and that killed me.  You hurt me, Ileana.  I know I did something very wrong on Saturday night, but that's not what killed our relationship.  Instead of loving me, talking with me, making things better, you killed our relationship, and eventually I found out and things fell apart.  This sucks, Ileana!  Why did you hurt me???

I believe that my mom has no true understanding that I'm a real lawyer.  I believe that my mom still looks at me as if I were 21 years old.  I believe that my mom thinks I handle cases as a law student: mock cases or cases that aren't serious.  I don't think my mom understands that I sometimes argue against opposing counsel, that scores of clients think of me as their lawyer, that I'm an independent attorney with my own caseload.  I think my mom still gets worried when I drive a car, thinking automatically that I'm going to speed or drive recklessly.  I don't think my mom believes that I speak Spanish, although I've traveled by myself to Spanish-speaking countries, some of my clients speak no English at all, but only Spanish, and on one occasion when I was a paralegal I actually interpreted from Spanish to English and vice versa for a judge in a court hearing.  I believe that my mom has no real understanding of all the experiences I've had in my life, because she's never taken the time to ask, and when I do recount an experience, she tends not to listen very closely, if at all.  I don't think my mom realizes how many books I've read, and thus how many different points of view I've considered, how many stories I've experienced vicariously through the letters on a page and the pages in a book.  I believe that, by not realizing this, or even considering this, my mom believes that her judgment, by virtue of her age, is superior to mine, although she has read very little over the course of her lifetime, and still does not make reading a priority.  I believe that my mom has no idea how good a lawyer I really am.  I believe that my mom's opinion of my personality is largely focused on my negative qualities, or in other words, on my weaknesses.  I bet that if my mom had to list my three greatest strengths, she would struggle to list any, let alone name three qualities with confidence.

The beats were beating, and the ground was shaking
The rain was falling, and the earth was quaking
The earth had been dormant, but now it was awaking.
From time to time, life goes through changes
Things will stay the same until everything rearranges.
Those who survive must be able to react
          must be able to adjust
          roll with the punches
          do what they must
The purpose of life is to live until we die
          to struggle, to try
Generations will pass as the sun rises and falls
without justice, courage is weak
society is structured on the bases of laws
a more perfect world being the object we seek
And so the beat goes on
whether we feel it or not
the earth keeps revolving
for good or for naught.
The wheel in the sky keeps on turning
the fire in our heart keeps on burning
the desires in our soul keep on yearning
the young ones behind us keep on learning
things go up, things go down
one is a genius, the other is a clown
i'm made to feel like a fool
try as we may, our feelings will always rule

Dear Pito,

Happy 65th birthday!  I've enclosed a gift card with a $100.00 value.  You simply have to open the package, pull out the card, and you can use it wherever Visa is accepted.  I suggest you use it for gas or groceries, but of course its use is ultimately up to you.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to suggest that you use the occasion of your birthday, especially seeing that its your 65th, as a prime chance for self-reflection.  Others would say -- and others have in fact said -- that, at age 65, you are set in your ways, and thus I should accept you as you are, without question and without any expectation of change.

I strongly, yet respectfully, disagree.  I believe any person, every person, of any age, should hold themselves accountable and recognize how their words and actions effect those around them, particularly those closest to them.  I believe a person has not just the ability, but the obligation, to grow and improve oneself and improve their quality of life, particularly by improving the quality of their relationships.  I believe that the opposite viewpoint -- that these moral obligations do not continue as long as one is alive and well -- is a selfish one and essentially a moral cop-out, with profound effects to that person and those around him or her.  Thus, with that being said, I ask with all respect that you recognize the milestone of your 65th birthday as a key opportunity for self-reflection and growth, namely to challenge yourself to grow.

Finally, I'll just say briefly that I feel very disappointed that you apologize to Jessica for her inclusion on emails, without apologizing to me for blowing me off when we had set plans.  You apologize to the person who was not even hurt by the whole episode; and you don't apologize to the person who was.

Love,

Saw Temple vs. Rhode Island at the Liacouras Center, section 201, row E, seat 10, for $16.00.

Saw Ozomatli at World Café Live for $25.00 with Carmen.

Saw Temple vs. Penn at the Liacouras Center, section 103, row M, seat 8, for $35.00.

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it's already 2011 in the entire eastern hemisphere, we're so two-thousand-and-late.

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Today, on Human Rights Day, Liu Xiaobo is being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his long and non-violent struggle for fundamental human rights in China. He cannot receive this high honor, however, because he is currently serving an 11-year prison sentence for proposing democratic reforms in mainland China. He should be freed immediately and without condition!

Saw Temple vs. Georgetown at the Liacouras Center, section 214, row A, seat 5, for $25.00 with Ileana.

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Thanks so much to everyone for the birthday wishes! It's really good to hear from everyone, I wish we could all do a big group hug. Awww.....

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Leaving work now to begin the long Thanksgiving weekend. I'm thankful for my family and friends, for work to keep me busy and allow me to help others, for a bed to sleep in every night, for food to keep me going every day, and all the other little things in life. Thank you!

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it's all good in the hood.

Saw comedian George Lopez at the Academy of Music, balcony, section C, row A, seat 28, for $39.50 with Ileana.

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Temple men's basketball opens the season tonight ranked #22 in the nation. I like that Juan Fernandez has moved to the point, and Ramone Moore steps into the starting line-up as the 2 guard. I'm really excited for this season, I think this team has a lot of potential to win lots of games.

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Violent crime against immigrants sickens me. This man's duodenum and part of his pancreas and right colon had to be removed and his gastrointestinal tract had to be reconnected. Whether he was targeted because he was Asian and/or an immigrant and/or a non-English-speaker and/or a minority business owner is unjustifiable and beside the point. I hope the attacker is fully prosecuted and sentenced and I pray that this man recovers.

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Iverson is to Besiktas as Beckham is to L.A. Galaxy.

Saw Philadelphia 76ers vs. Indiana Pacers at Wells Fargo Center, north floor courtside, row 2, seat 11, with Wagner.

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I love Rittenhouse Square, plain and simple.

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Felicitaciones al escritor Mario Vargas Llosa por ganar el Premio Nobel de Literatura! Yo he leído tres libros de él: Lituma en los Andes, The Feast of the Goat, y The War of the End of the World, los cuales son muy bien escritos. Me felicita que un escrito americano (-latino) ha ganado el premio, por primera vez desde 1990 (Octavio Paz).

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Let's go Phillies!!!

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It still amazes me that Shawnee now has a turf field. It's been a while since I was a Renegade, but I still missing playing football every fall.

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Stop. Hammer Time.

Saw Los Amigos Invisibles at World Café Live for $18.00.

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today is a brand new day with brand new opportunities!

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Check out my melody.

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Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?

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Going to see Alo Brasil perform at World Cafe Live tonight!!!

lunch, coffee, and office

Today's entry will be very brief. Ileana and I went to Love Park today to have our lunch, but realized very quickly that it was too windy and just a little bit too chilly to eat outside. So, after eating our respective sandwiches, we packed-up and walked to Liberty Place, where we finished out meal indoors.

After meeting with a client last Thursday, who told me that Dunkin Donuts coffee is watered-down and colored with soy to look a darker brown, I've decided to go elsewhere for my coffee this week. Yesterday and today I walked to Cafe Loftus, located on 15th Street between Sansom and Walnut Streets, to get a small, 12-ounce coffee for $1.75. Their coffee is brewed using La Colombe coffee, which is the very well-respected coffee shop right off of Rittenhouse Square, where I sometimes get coffee on the weekends when the weather is warm and I'm able to sit in the square and enjoy a warm cup of coffee.

Finally, I'm happy to say that I'm finally beginning to acclimate to my new office. Three weeks ago I had to relocate due to Sue's return from her maternity leave and thus her reclaiming of her office, which I had been occupying during her absence. I was bittersweet about the move, because on one hand I was happy to have my own space to organize and decorate as I please, but on the other hand I was slightly bitter at having an interior office, i.e., with no windows. After being in here for three weeks (now the beginning of my fourth week), the positive benefits are outweighing the envy-driven drawbacks. Hopefully one day I'll have a spacious corner office with ample sunlight from large office windows, but for now I'll simply enjoy having my own personal office once again.

Birds

Lying in bed yesterday morning, with the door between the bedroom and living room half-open, I noticed out of the corner of my eye a small, dark shape moving quickly alongside the wall. For a few minutes before that, I had been hearing what sounded like someone throwing a pebble at my living room or kitchen window, and was confused at the sound. Now that I noticed this fleeting object, I quickly got out of bed, put on shorts and a t-shirt, and went out into the living room to investigate. A small, brown sparrow had gotten into the apartment and was flying around frantically, trying to get out. The night before, in order to let some fresh air in, I'd left the kitchen window cracked-open only about two or three inches. Somehow our small winged friend had found his way in through that opening. And now he wanted to get out. I opened the kitchen window as far wide as possible. I moved the hanging plant from that window to the open walkway between the kitchen and the living room. And I moved the large plant on the kitchen windowsill to the coffee table in the living room. By doing all of this, there was now a large, unobstructed passage to the open window. And of course the bird was too scared to come low because of Rocky and the Baby. So, I put Rocky in the bedroom and closed the door. And the Baby just stayed put in the living room, a little too unsettled by this strange creature that was flying around her living space. At this point, I tried to usher the bird towards the open window, but it was obviously too freaked-out by the large human waving his hands. I decided that I would just eat my breakfast in the living room and ignore the bird, hoping that it would eventually find its way out. After about five minutes, there was silence. I looked for the bird, but it was nowhere to be found. Happily, our brown sparrow had found his freedom.

Earlier today, on my walk from the office to the Criminal Justice Center, as I was walking north down 15th Street towards Market, I felt something hit my left hand. I raised it toward my face and saw that a round splatter of white goo had landed on the part of my hand behind my thumb and forefinger. I went right up to a food vendor and asked for napkins to wipe my hand. The woman I had been speaking with told me that I now had good luck, and she asked me to give her three numbers to play the lottery. I obliged and gave her three random numbers. Hopefully I truly have been blessed with good fortune. Let's see.

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Ozomatli, at World Cafe Live, one week from tonight.

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It's sunny in Philadelphia.

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Happy April, fools.