I'm a Lawyer

I help my clients.  I meet them in-person.  I listen to them.  I ask questions.  I know how to ask the hard questions.  I advise my clients.  I know how to explain complex legal concepts in an understandable way.  I take notes.  Very detailed, well-written notes.  I know the statutes and most relevant case law.  I know how to do legal research, and do it quickly and well, if I need to confirm the state of relevant case law.  I'm an excellent legal writer.  I don't misspell words.  I know how to use punctuation.  I know how to apply facts to law.  In writing.  And at Court.  I'm confident of my ability to analyze legal issues.  Very confident.  Because I'm thorough.  I work hard.  I am intelligent.  Since I am confident, I'm not intimidated by other lawyers.  Not by women lawyers.  Not by men lawyers.  Not by lawyers from this law school or that law school.  Not by the big names.  I respect the judges.  But I'm not scared of them.  I'm confident.  So I can present my cases with confidence.  I'm good at making evidentiary objections, although I can get better.  I respond to my clients' communications, although I can get better at that too, especially if I have a lower client volume.  I care about my clients.  I develop a sincere relationship with my clients.  I help my clients achieve their legal objectives.  I'm good at what I do.  I present well.  I'm professional.  I treat all people with respect: clients, opposing parties, attorneys, court staff, judges.  Some lawyers calls clients names in their notes or among colleagues in private.  I don't.  Some lawyers call opposing parties names in their notes or among colleagues in private.  I don't.  Some lawyers speak disparagingly about other classes of lawyers or about certain demographics of clientele or even about individual lawyers or parties.  I don't.  I treat all people with respect.  To their face.  In my notes.  And in private.  There are some clients I don't completely like.  There are some opposing parties that I don't trust, or whose actions I do not condone.  There are some lawyers that I don't hold in high esteem, usually for their character as noted above.  But I don't name-call any of them.  Those who do so simply diminish themselves.  I'll continue to do my work.  Continue to be a good lawyer.  Continue to help people.  I win cases.  Did I mention?  I win.  And I win.  And I win.  Yes, I'm competitive.  I've won a lot of things in the past, before becoming a lawyer.  I win.  This is a competitive field of work.  This is a competitive world we live in.  Am I competitive?  Hell yes.  And I win.  Why?  I'm intelligent.  I work hard.  I know my shit.  I'm not scared of anyone.  I'm confident.  I win.  Have I made mistakes?  Certainly, let she who has not sinned throw the first stone.  Do my mistakes take away from the truth of everything above?  No, not one bit.  If there is one who hates me or is jealous of me, it is because they know the truth of everything above but have difficulty accepting it.  That one will try to shine a light on my mistakes, but by pointing the light on me she will have put herself in darkness.  And remember: "To measure you by your smallest deed is to reckon the power of ocean by the frailty of its foam.  To judge you by your failures is to cast blame upon the seasons for their inconstancy."  (Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, p. 93).  I was a good lawyer before I went to law school.  Before I became a lawyer.  I have been a good lawyer.  I am a good lawyer.  I will continue to be a good lawyer.  I will help people and I will win cases.  You'll see.  Or you don't have to.  It's fine by me either way.  I am an excellent lawyer.

Proud to be a Two-Fifteener

I just saw on the ESPN ticker that college football begins August 28th.  I'm excited.  There's nothing like football.  College football on Saturdays, pro football on Sundays.  It reminds me that fall is on its way, my favorite season of the year.

Earlier today, I met Jeannie outside La Colombe across from City Hall, while she ate her lunch from Five Guys and I drank a coffee.  Despite the very light drizzle, I rode my bike to see her.  It was nice to spend some time with her while her dad watched Seva at home.

After dropping off Jeannie at her job, I walked over to 15th & Market Streets, where I sat down and waited for my friend Mike to come by.  I waited for about half an hour, but I didn't mind because I enjoyed people-watching and that, for once, I wasn't in any rush to go anywhere or do anything.  It felt really nice actually.

Finally, when I saw Mike walking towards me, I noticed that he was with [F.B.], another attorney who I've argued cases against and who I know Mike has become friendly with over the past year or so.  When [F.B.] came up to me he gave me a hug.  Despite our encounters in Court, we've always been friendly with each other.  It was probably also cool for him to see that Mike's friend was me.  [F.B.] suggested that we grab a drink, so we walked a couple blocks to Tir Na Nog.  We mainly talked about the practice of law and our families.  It was a good time.  Eventually [F.B.] had to leave to go back to his office, so it was really nice to have a chance to catch up, just a little bit, with Mike one-on-one.

Having had a couple beers, though, by the time I got back home I was just enough out of sorts that I didn't get much done.  I still hadn't eaten lunch, so I did that first: ham & American cheese on seeded rye with wasabi mayonnaise and a slice of pickle, along with popcorn, a banana, and an apple on the side.

Fast-forwarding to tonight, Jeannie made salads as usual and I cooked macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas, while we watched the movie American Reunion on FXX.  While sitting on the couch, Seva began yelling as she has the past few days, not in any kind of angry or demanding way, but instead as a flexing of her voice and lungs.  It's hilarious.  I have to admit that, once Seva gets started, Jeannie and I encourage it by yelling too.  We laugh the whole time.  It's really funny.

Finally, to conclude this post tonight, I'll offer a totally random thought: I would not for any amount of money or at any level of income live in New York City.  Just the thought of living there tires me.  It's just too much of some things (people, money, attitude) and not enough of others (living space, trees, open spaces, a sense of community).  I happily prefer being a Two-Fifteener: just enough city, just enough sense of community, with quick enough accessibility to open spaces within the city and then the suburbs beyond.

I Need to Be My Best Self

When I first came out of law school, I was known for three things:
1) my intelligence,
2) my commitment to serving others, and
3) my ability and willingness to take on any authority.

During my first two to three years as an attorney at [...], I strongly and consistently demonstrated all three qualities.  Over time, though, the negativity and attempts, intentional or not, to wear away my self-esteem began to effect me.  As with anything in life, when there is no passion or desire, one's effectiveness becomes dulled.  In the same way, feeling let down by [...], the reciprocal began to come true: I began to let down [...]; classic action-reaction.  With my passion and desire waning, my effectiveness as an attorney began to dull.  For the past year or so, I've become a lesser version of the lawyer that I can and should be.  And as is true with any relationship that is not making you a better person, I've begun to question why I should continue in this relationship...

I look back and see the three things I was known for when I first came out of law school.  With those three qualities, especially when I'm at my best, I can go anywhere and work for anyone.  So why stay at [...]?

I want to be the best version of myself that I can be, not just for myself, but because by being less than I can be, those whom I serve are not getting the service they deserve.  I want to put myself in a position where I feel strong and confident on the inside, in my own self-esteem, so my best qualities, including the three listed above, are freely and naturally demonstrated.  I need to feel good about myself, so I can do not just good work, but the best work possible.

The Countdown is On

The clock is ticking backwards towards the birth of my daughter.  I don't know how much time is left, but it feels like we're getting much closer.  More on that below.

Just a half-hour ago, I watched the end of the movie Rudy.  As I predicted, the end of the movie brought me to tears.  As I told Jeannie a little bit earlier in the movie, it touches me so much to see someone love something so much that he's willing to work as hard as he did to make his dreams come true.  On top of that, it really touches me when all his family and friends are there and you can see the pride in their eyes, the love for him in that moment when they witness his dream coming true.  Even now writing this here, tears are welling up in my eyes.  God hear me!  Please guide me in the direction of my dreams.  Please lead me to something that I love so much that I'm willing to work extra hard to make my dream come true.  Please God, this is something I wrote about in my law school application essay, asking for the tool (i.e. a law degree) to help others.  Now that I have that tool, and experience using it, help me God to take it to the next level.  I sense and know that there is more out there for me to do and ask your guidance to take me there.  And not only that, I want to make my family and friends proud.  I want to be surrounded by people who love me and support me, positive energy.  I pray for that, God.  Please hear my prayer.

Now to the update on the expected arrival of my daughter.  Earlier this morning, her mucus plug broke.  Throughout the day she's been having mild, yet seemingly more and more consistent contractions.  I'm no doctor and I have no experience with this kind of thing, but my instinct tells me that we'll get through tonight, but tomorrow may be a big day.

We went out for walks three times today.  First, we walked to our landlord's house a few blocks away to put some mail in his mailbox.  Second, we walked to Walgreen's on South Street, where Jeannie got some items related to nursing, after which we walked to the ATM for my bank, then turned around to walk home.  Third, we did a circuit in the late afternoon, just to make sure that Jeannie was on her feet and moving for one last time before settling in for the night.

During our first walk, we ran into Bernadette from church, who crossed the street to give us each a hug and chat for a few minutes.  During our second walk, we saw another woman from our church, who waved and talked with us for a minute from across the street, while she was sitting on the front steps to her house.  It was nice to see a couple people we recognized; I like the feeling of community that we're slowly building here.  I hope to God that we continue to play our part in building a community where we live.

Jeannie and I are both excited to meet our little girl.  We hope she comes soon.  We're really looking forward to meeting her.  I know that the feelings I felt while watching Rudy will pale in comparison to the feelings of love when I meet my daughter.  May God bless Jeannie and our daughter, give them the strength to get through what will be the transition to bring our girl to the outside.  And I thank God for all blessings.

Animal abuse

I saw (tonight on the 10pm edition of Action News on PHL17) a story about animal abuse.  Someone skinned an animal, likely a dog, from head to tail and removed the animal's ears and rear paws.  As I was watching the story, Rocky was sitting on the couch next to me.  The story is sick.  To know that there are people who can so easily disregard and disrespect life and dignity is sad and depressing.

It made me think about the time when I lived very briefly (for only about six weeks) with Ileana at 777 South Cleveland Street.  I remember we were on the bed when Rocky went walking across the bed and Ileana kicked him in the side.  Without waiting or asking any questions, I punched Ileana once as hard as I could on one of her hips.  I would do that again 100 times out of 100.  There is no right for anyone to hurt an animal, with the only exception being legitimate self-defense.  In hindsight, I'm very happy that I'm no longer in a relationship with Ileana, because that act demonstrated just a seed of what I describe above.

Since I've been in a relationship with Jeannie, she has been nothing but kind and loving towards Rocky and the Baby.  And so it's no surprise that there has never been any violence of any sort in my relationship with Jeannie.  Whereas Ileana eventually at the end of our relationship brought out the worst in me, my relationship with Jeannie has been healthy and normal, as a family should be.

Earlier today, due to the clocks springing forward one hour, we missed our normal 9:30am mass at St. Charles Borromeo.  Instead, we went to the 6:30pm mass at St. Patrick's.  After receiving the host of Christ in holy communion, I returned to the pew and as usual I said a prayer for Rocky and the Baby.  I always thank God for Rocky and the Baby being in my life and bringing me so much joy and happiness; and I prayed that God bless them and protect them.  I love Rocky and the Baby.

On the topic of animal abuse, without even knowing what the punishments are, I can say that I'm very likely in favor of increasing the punishments for convicted animal abusers.  Anyone with a complete disrespect of life, as demonstrated in their abuse of an animal, should be incarcerated for a long time and intensively treated to get to the heart of what has led them to such a skewed disdain for life.

Competition

I just finished playing a few games of Uno with Jeannie.  She got on a pretty good run and won a few games in a row.  I realized that she was playing very aggressive in her tactics and so I had to adjust.  I hate losing, at anything really.  I'm very competitive and I've probably always been this way.  Whenever I set out to do anything, especially after my consciousness and sense of identity began to develop into adult form, probably when I was at Shawnee High School, I set out to be the best, at least the best that I could be, but hopefully the best compared to all others.

As I've gotten older, I realize that an overly developed sense of competition is not healthy.  And so I've tried to be aware of this, and toned down my sense of competition when I can.  In my job, I do so by isolating myself from others to a great degree, so I'm not even tempted to be in a position where I will compare myself to others.

I feel like being a lawyer, then, was very likely in the cards for me from the beginning.  There's a side of me that wants to help others.  And I've always sided with the underdog, the underprivileged, the downtrodden, the needy.  And I'm quite empathetic.  That's why I often cry when I watch a touching movie.  But that side (or those sides) need to be reconciled with the side (or sides) of me that intend to be the best at everything I set my mind to do, the part of me that wants to win.  When I look at these major aspects of what I want to do and what makes me happy, I see that being a lawyer seems to be a fitting field for me.

On the topic of competition, my economic philosophy is that the core of a society's economy should certainly be based on the premise that competition is good, in that it brings the best of productivity and ideas out of people and increases the pace of gains in efficiency and development.  I strongly believe, then, that the core of our economy should be capitalist.  And that core should comprise most of the people in society.  Surrounding that large inner circle of competitive capitalism should be a socialist band, which provides for the needs of those who are in need -- the elderly, children, the physically disabled but unproductive, the mentally ill or disabled but unproductive, and those who are temporarily unemployed due to injury or pregnancy or downturns in economic cycles. But allow me to return to the point that I believe that competition, within the context of that framework, is good for society.

So, bringing it back to the personal level, feeling that I am, have been, and will hopefully continue to be in the productive phase of my life, I intend to compete.  And I think this aching to stretch and test my skills in the larger economic field is what is pulling me and calling me away from my current employment.  I'm ready to compete.  I'm ready to see what I'm worth.  I'm ready to help others, and win.

Journey begins now

Work sucks.  I need to find a new job.  My happiest moments at work are when I feel like I've actually helped someone and/or when I've genuinely connected with a client.  I can't look for a job on the basis of the second source of happiness, so I must look for a job on the basis of the first source: how, where, and in what way can I actually help people?  That will then lead me, naturally, to genuine connections with clients.  My legal experience and work history suggests that I stay in the field of family law, although I've always been interested in getting into immigration law.  Earlier tonight, Jeannie helped to install Microsoft Office on to my new computer (which I'm using to write this).  So, I will very soon start to develop a written plan for what I need to do to find my way to my next job.

Unlike what Anita said to a candidate at an interview today, I don't feel like I work in a collaborative environment.  As I've written about before, I don't feel comfortable at work.  To put it bluntly, I'm a minority: I'm a man in a woman's office.  My first legal job after law school was a contract position for a corporate firm defending a large pharmaceutical corporation in a class action civil suit.  I worked with about 100 other attorneys.  The team I worked on was about 12-15 of us.  Most of us were around the same age, we were mostly fresh or shortly out of law school, most of us had a really good sense of humor, and we were a mixed group (male/female and different skin colors).  Looking back, it was a great work environment.  I didn't like the work itself, but my co-workers really made work enjoyable.  If I could combine that collegiality and camaraderie with the substance of the work I do now, I think I'd be a happy worker.  I'd be motivated to go to work.  I'd feel the good spirit and support of those around me.  I'd feel like I was working with others with whom I share things in common.  I'd feel like I was working with equals.  That's what's missing at PLA, so that's what I want to find elsewhere.

Unlike what Jesse said to a candidate at an interview today, I do not feel energized at work.  The closer I get to the office, the more closed-off I feel, the more repressed I feel.  I don't feel comfortable walking around the hallways at work, because I don't feel supported, I feel that others get more credit than they deserve, I feel that some don't pull their weight, and as a man I feel totally left out.  So, in sum, work doesn't energize me; on the contrary, it drains me of any happiness I have when I get there.

I realize that I'm complaining a lot.  I try to keep these negative thoughts to myself, other than when I share them with Jeannie, or occasionally to my mom, dad, or sister.  I dump all these negative feelings here, because I need to get them off my chest.  I also go to the gym, because I have to release the negative energy through a physical outlet.  I hope to find a job from which I don't absorb negativity which I must later release through complaining, writing, and weight-lifting.  I hope to find a job which fulfills me, energizes me, and brings out the best in me.  May God help me.

A Day to Remember

Two significant things happened today.  Both are mile-markers as I approach the coming crossroads in my life.  One was good and one not-so-good.

I'll start with the shitty one.  While delivering a reviewed CASAC case into the mail room, I saw Anita by the mail machine.  As I walked in, I said, "hi Anita!"  She said hi and asked me if I was busy.  I told her that I wasn't, so she followed me into my office and closed the door.  She asked me if I had access to the PLA intranet site; I said no.  She then told me that she had heard from Sue my position that there may be gender bias in the unit, both among the co-workers in the unit and how we assess clients' cases.  I said yes, that's right.  So she told me that she would send to me the link the intranet site, along with the PLA harassment policy.  She said that I could make a report to her or to the chair of the board of directors.  I responded by saying thanks and that I would read it.  And she stood up and walked out of the office.

As soon as she walked out, I thought to myself, "really?  That's it?"  And, in fact, I don't remember the last time that Anita took any personal interest in me whatsoever.  I don't remember the last conversation with her that consisted of more than courteous banter to fill the air and pass the time in the elevator or in the kitchen or something along those lines.  Where's the interest in your employees?  As the leader of an organization that's only about 40 people, how hard is it to show some direct, genuine interest every once in a while?  And how about especially when an employee is dissatisfied, as I have been?  That's not how you run a quality organization, one where your employees are energized to work for you, while also sincerely respecting you due to your consistency, discipline, example, and leadership.  When you think of the great coaches, Vince Lombardi or Pat Summit or Phil Jackson, they're tough, but they show care for their players.  That quite simply lacks at PLA.  Today's sub-par episode in management is just one more strike on the (still only mental) list of grievances.  I ask myself: if that's the leadership, then what does that say about the organization?  Any sane man will jump off a sinking ship.

Before I get too frustrated and disappointed, let me move on to the good news, which is worthy of a new paragraph:
 
Jeannie told me that she's pregnant!  I got home from work around 7:00pm this evening.  We sat down on my bed and she asked me to finally read the card she got for me.  Along with the card was a little mailbox of sorts.  I opened it up and there was a pregnancy stick inside.  I looked at it closely -- not fully comprehending what I was looking at I don't think -- and saw two lines, indicating "pregnant."  I looked at Jeannie, probably in astonishment, and then I kissed her.  We talked about it for a while and I told her that I was very happy to be with her and whatever happens we'll be together and go through it together.  I told her that I have faith in God, so we'll just take it as it comes and go from there.  Obviously this is something I could write about on and on, but I won't do that, mainly because Jeannie is upstairs waiting for me now, but also because I need more time to let it sink in.  I guess you can say that today was a momentous day!  I will say that I feel happy.  As always, I pray for God to guide me (and us).

Sub-par day

I didn't get into work until 10:45am today.  Although I was woken up two or three times last night (I've had the bedroom window and sliding glass door open since Jeannie went away, due to the nice weather), I'm not going to lean on that as an excuse.  If I had a job that excited me and energized me, I might have been a little bit late, but certainly not as late as 10:45am.  In that situation, I wouldn't mind being a little tired, as long as I was at a job that I like.  But even all that isn't an excuse.  I know I need to hold myself to a higher standard and drag my ass into work at a normal hour, whatever it takes.

In spite of the late start, though, I had a pretty productive day.  I caught up on most of my phone calls and I filed a motion for reconsideration on behalf of one of my really difficult clients, P.D.

I would want to write more now, but it's getting late, I still need to clean up in the kitchen, and I have two hearings listed for 9:00am tomorrow.  So let me get going and get ready for bed.  Buenas noches.

Good day today

I'll keep this short, since it's getting late.  Highlights of the day:

1) Helping a humble man, client M.D., by going with him to personally file a motion for special relief at the clerk of family court this afternoon.  We had a nice conversation about God, church, and his relationship with his son, whose mother had denied him access for the past two weeks.  Mr. D. needed our help now, since the name on the caption was his Muslim name, while he now uses his birth name again.  Taking a nice, easy stroll on such a beautiful day, and for such a good cause for a good man, was a great feeling.

2) Having a good, long conversation just now with Mita.  We talked about my relationship with Jeannie and I also told her a lot about my conversation with Father Ed.  I don't often get to talk with Mita like that, but I'm very happy when I do.

3) Oh, and I had a pretty good work-out at the gym earlier this evening: dumbbell incline bench press; dumbbell triceps kick-backs; dumbbell bicep curl and press; and barbell bench press.  As you can see, it was very focused on chest, bi's, and tri's.  Good stuff.  When I got home, I even did a final set of push-ups.

Now, hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight...

Got some things off my chest

This afternoon, some time around 5:30pm give or take, Sue came into my office and asked me something along the lines of "how have you been?" or "how's it going?"  I told her the truth, I said that I was unhappy.  We talked for at least an hour, if not closer to an hour and a half, since it was nearly 7pm when we finished talking and she left my office.

I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest.  But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego.  In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation.  Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer.  So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue.  In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.

During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation.  First, the anecdote.  I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game.  I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.

Second, the analogy.  I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit.  I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone.  Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together.  I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.

During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself.  I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual.  I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed.  Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.

In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA.  Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA.  Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave.  I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.

Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other.  When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes.  Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.

If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it.  There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.

As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything.  I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave?  I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.

With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring.  In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.

A Return to Writing

I miss writing.  So I'm happy to be back on here.  I'm hoping I can keep up with it.  I have so much to work through, particularly as my career is concerned, that I know that I need to write.  I can feel it in my bones.  It's like the feeling one gets after being sedentary for a good while, when the body finally tells the mind that it's time to get up and start moving around, get the blood flowing, feel alive again.  This is the same kind of thing, but it some ways it goes deeper than that.  It raises one of the big questions: what am I going to do with my life?  Not to say that I ought to dramatize it or make it more than it is.  But these intimations seem to be telling me: the times, they are a-changin'.

To finally verbalize these intimations, I must admit that I haven't been happy with my life at work.  There's a gender bias at PLA, both in assessing cases and also among the co-workers in my unit.  I believe that most of the time it's likely subconscious, or in other words, not intentional.  But my primary contention is that, after pointing it out, I've felt something like an outcast.  I ask myself if I've brought it on myself.  That's very likely, to a substantial degree.  But I also undoubtedly feel like the same undertones and cultural tenor continue.  And that tone is set, as it usually is anywhere else, at the top, here by our supervising attorney.  In fact, just the day before yesterday, at our weekly unit meeting this past Monday, one of the paralegals, a woman, asked our supervisor if our supervisor's assessment of a particular wasn't "sexist."  I'm tired of the emotionally draining environment.  Like a bad relationship -- one in which I feel bad to be who I am, one in which I am no longer growing, one in which I'm not even acknowledged for anything positive, but only criticized in the infrequent opportunities when I can be -- I believe it's time to cut the cord and move on.  My own mental and emotional health depends on it.  Due to the wholeness of life, Jeannie and those others in my life also deserve for me to be at least generally happy.  And due to the shortness of life, why stay in something that doesn't serve a positive purpose?

This externally imposed period of self-reflection leads me to ask even bigger questions, such as: should I even remain in the practice of law?  My outstanding student loans would suggest that I should.  The dreamer in me would suggest maybe not, maybe now is the time to do something else.  I also wonder: should I even remain in Philadelphia?  Again, the practical me would say yes.  But the dreamer in me would say, there's a whole world out there.  And I'm with a girl who would be with me no matter where we go.  For that, and for the blessing to be in the enviable position of having this first-world freedom, I'm very thankful.  I thank God and I pray that God guide me where I need to be.

I believe that my mom has no true understanding that I'm a real lawyer.  I believe that my mom still looks at me as if I were 21 years old.  I believe that my mom thinks I handle cases as a law student: mock cases or cases that aren't serious.  I don't think my mom understands that I sometimes argue against opposing counsel, that scores of clients think of me as their lawyer, that I'm an independent attorney with my own caseload.  I think my mom still gets worried when I drive a car, thinking automatically that I'm going to speed or drive recklessly.  I don't think my mom believes that I speak Spanish, although I've traveled by myself to Spanish-speaking countries, some of my clients speak no English at all, but only Spanish, and on one occasion when I was a paralegal I actually interpreted from Spanish to English and vice versa for a judge in a court hearing.  I believe that my mom has no real understanding of all the experiences I've had in my life, because she's never taken the time to ask, and when I do recount an experience, she tends not to listen very closely, if at all.  I don't think my mom realizes how many books I've read, and thus how many different points of view I've considered, how many stories I've experienced vicariously through the letters on a page and the pages in a book.  I believe that, by not realizing this, or even considering this, my mom believes that her judgment, by virtue of her age, is superior to mine, although she has read very little over the course of her lifetime, and still does not make reading a priority.  I believe that my mom has no idea how good a lawyer I really am.  I believe that my mom's opinion of my personality is largely focused on my negative qualities, or in other words, on my weaknesses.  I bet that if my mom had to list my three greatest strengths, she would struggle to list any, let alone name three qualities with confidence.

lunch, coffee, and office

Today's entry will be very brief. Ileana and I went to Love Park today to have our lunch, but realized very quickly that it was too windy and just a little bit too chilly to eat outside. So, after eating our respective sandwiches, we packed-up and walked to Liberty Place, where we finished out meal indoors.

After meeting with a client last Thursday, who told me that Dunkin Donuts coffee is watered-down and colored with soy to look a darker brown, I've decided to go elsewhere for my coffee this week. Yesterday and today I walked to Cafe Loftus, located on 15th Street between Sansom and Walnut Streets, to get a small, 12-ounce coffee for $1.75. Their coffee is brewed using La Colombe coffee, which is the very well-respected coffee shop right off of Rittenhouse Square, where I sometimes get coffee on the weekends when the weather is warm and I'm able to sit in the square and enjoy a warm cup of coffee.

Finally, I'm happy to say that I'm finally beginning to acclimate to my new office. Three weeks ago I had to relocate due to Sue's return from her maternity leave and thus her reclaiming of her office, which I had been occupying during her absence. I was bittersweet about the move, because on one hand I was happy to have my own space to organize and decorate as I please, but on the other hand I was slightly bitter at having an interior office, i.e., with no windows. After being in here for three weeks (now the beginning of my fourth week), the positive benefits are outweighing the envy-driven drawbacks. Hopefully one day I'll have a spacious corner office with ample sunlight from large office windows, but for now I'll simply enjoy having my own personal office once again.

Job prospects

I'd really like to be able to stay on at Philadelphia Legal Assistance on a permanent basis. I spoke very briefly with our executive director this afternoon, who told me that they're applying for funding from the Department of Justice to staff a family law attorney to focus on serving immigrant clients. That's right up my alley, considering my language and cultural background, as well as my travel experience, and ability to build rapport quickly with people of various cultures. The problem, though, is that the funding may not be available until the end of the year. And we're only in January now. The executive director told me that I should reach out to a particular private attorney, who she's friends with and who I happen to know, to discuss the possibility of getting together for lunch, with the ostensible purpose of talking about going in with him, at least on a temporary basis. My initial reaction is one of disappointment, because I'd like to stay on here at PLA. But I'm gonna have to sit down to talk more in detail about these possibilities with our executive director. And then I'll just have to take it from there. I don't like the idea of once again leaving a position after just a few months, but if I have no choice in the matter, then what else can I do?

Remembering MLK

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. told his Ebenezer Church congregation:

"If our economic system is to survive, there has to be a better distribution of wealth . . . we can't have a system where some people live in superfluous, inordinate wealth, while others live in abject, deadening poverty."

Today is Martin Luther King Day 2010. I'm happy that I work in public service. Hopefully my six-month stint at Philadelphia Legal Assistance becomes something longer lasting. I hope that an offer for a permanent position is extended to me in the next week or two. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Thanks.

the end of a busy week

It's certainly been a very busy week. For the first time, I had three hearings scheduled for one week. It didn't turn out so bad, though, because my client at this morning's hearing had already decided to remit all child support arrears for the defendant and terminate the support order, all by the time I got to court. So in the end, I only had to put on two hearings this past week, on Monday and yesterday. Even besides the hearings and the preparation involved for them, I've been busy trying to catch up on call-backs to clients. I still have a list of about ten calls that I need to make today. And over the course of the day, other things always seem to pop up to slow down any progress. But I realize that it's all part of the ebb and flow of work. Next week should be pretty good. I only have a custody master's conference on Thursday. So that should afford me the opportunity to catch-up on some things that really need to be done.

Anyway, enough about work. This past Wednesday, Wagner and I went to see the Temple men's basketball team take on the UPenn Quakers at the Palestra, the famed basketball arena. The game turned out as we had both hoped: Penn hung around for the first half and into the beginning of the second half, enough to make it an interesting and entertaining game, but then by mid-second half Temple began to pull away en route to their 60-45 victory. For buying tickets right there at the box office about five minutes before tip-off, our seats were not too bad: just behind the Temple student section, behind and slightly to the side of one of the hoops, and not too, too far from the Temple bench. There were no outstanding performances from the Temple players, more of just an overall team effort. As I commented to Wagner during the game, I think Temple played down just a little bit to their competition.

Last night after work, I went out with a few co-workers for happy hour. Diane organized the outting, and we went to the American Pub, underground near the Clothespin on 15th and Market. The atmosphere was decent, though nothing to really go back to in the future. I had a couple Miller Lites. Afterward, knowing that I had nothing at home to make dinner, I invited Ileana out to dinner. We shared some mozzarella sticks and a pizza at Pietro's Coal Oven Pizzeria, on Walnut Street near 18th.

So that's what's been going on. Besides simply reporting my weekly, or even daily, activities, I wanna get back to writing here about random stuff. Maybe if next week isn't so busy at work, I'll be able to take a quick break here and there to post some thoughts on non-personal issues. In the meantime, I hope you don't mind too much reading my online personal diary. Have a great weekend, fellow user of the world wide web!

Facebook status update

Any two individuals should be allowed to marry each other in a civil ceremony. Any civil marriage law that doesn't provide this is contrary to "liberty" and "the pursuit of happiness," and for those who choose to marry, the definition of "life" itself.

BCS National Championship

Tonight is the big game between Alabama and Texas. I have no plans tonight other than to chill out and watch the game at home. Hopefully it's a close, entertaining game; wouldn't want to end this college football season with a flop.

Earlier today I filed exceptions in a child support case. I thought the master did a really shitty job of calculating the child support. And I think she was motivated to prove me wrong since during the hearing I refused to settle with the other side for a meager monthly sum on behalf of my client. I insisted on a hearing, and the master became visibly angry that she'd actually have to put on a full hearing. That's why I think she wanted to tweak the numbers in whatever way possible to make the final order for less than the other side was offering to settle for. The exceptions were due today, and I got them done just in time. I found plenty of caselaw to support my position. But as with anything else, there's no way to know how the court will resolve my exceptions. With the court, as on the football field, it's "any given Sunday." But as I instant messaged to Ileana earlier today, while I was putting the finishing touches on the exceptions: "my legal arguments are swift and painlessly painful." That was my way of saying that I think I did a good job in preparing my exceptions, i.e., making my arguments. Now we'll just have to wait for a hearing date.

Besides that, all is quiet on the western front. I've been super-busy at work and that has been the main focus of my life these past few days. The only other thing that I'll comment on now is that the weather has been really cold. I think I heard that it may snow tonight, which is hard to believe since we've had perfectly clear (yet cold) skies all day long today. But hey, it is winter, so what else should we expect? That's all for now, folks, hope all is well and quiet on your front and back too. Peace.

Wow, two days in a row!

Okay, so I'm actually back again. I was surprised to look out the window this morning and see some snow on the ground outside. It's a half-day at work, being that today is New Year's Eve. Today at work I only have a couple of complaints (divorce and support) to file at the Clerk and then make a couple phone calls.

Last night was nice. Ileana and I wanted to go out to eat. So we first walked to Erawan, where I was hoping my friend Laddie would be working. But since she wasn't there, we left and walked to Grace Tavern. But there weren't any open seats there. So we walked a block down South Street and decided to give L2 a try. We walked to the dining room in the back, which had sofa benches with dark red satin all along the walls. There was swing music and other 1940s-sounding music playing. The room was dimly-lit and there were large framed paintings of portraits of women on each wall. The vibe was somewhat Eastern European or perhaps Parisian. So we had hopes that it would be a good meal. Things became a bit disappointing right off the bat when the waiter said that they didn't have many wines to choose from. Of course I wanted malbec, which they didn't have. So we had to settle for two glasses of merlot. Then when Ileana ordered a pasta dish, the guy came back and said they didn't have pasta! and that she would have to order something else. Despite his explanation that they had been closed for five days for the holidays, the idea of such a sparse menu seemed preposterous and shoddy. To top things off, when I got my chicken parmesan, the red sauce was so thin that I think they must have bought the sauce on sale at Shoprite. We really enjoyed the atmosphere (music and ambience) and the appetizers (pita with hummus and shrimp wrapped in bacon) were good enough for us to enjoy our time there. But everything else was disappointing enough that we decided that we're never going back there.

After wrapping up the check, we decided it was still too early to go home. So we walked another block down South Street to Ten Stone. We had a couple rounds of beers: two Palm Belgian Ambers for Ileana, and one Palm Belgian Amber and one Hoegaarden for me. I watched the Sixers-Kings basketball game while we talked.

Well, I hope you have a wonderful New Year's Eve tonight. Be safe. And may the new year bring you good health and happiness!