Dear Ileana, It's now been 40 days and 40 nights since you've left me.  I guess this milestone may be biblically important, but to me it's just a sad reminder that I've gone that long without you in my life.  I will say, though, that every morning you are the first thing on my mind and every night you are the last thing on my mind.  I also want to let you know that I pray to God every single night before falling asleep, and I often pray for God to protect you, lead you away from temptation, and to heal your heart too.  I'm definitely still in the process of healing.  While talking with Diane earlier today, I realized that I sounded so bitter about things with us.  Afterwards I felt shameful, because I know in my heart that I love you.  It's just that I feel very hurt still, that's just the truth.  I want to heal.  I want to forgive you.  I also want to forgive myself for some things that I've said and done.  This will all take time.  A few people have acted or been surprised that I'm so torn up about you.  In fact, I've been so depressed that I've missed a lot of work.  That opinion (of a few) reminds me of something you thought about me before you moved out, when you thought that you couldn't appreciate any of my attention because you didn't think it was genuine enough.  And that opinion of me really hurts me a lot.  Why did you not believe that my love for you was genuine?  Yeah, I made some mistakes, but I admit them, and I'm sorry for them, and I hope you forgive me; but I have always loved you.  And the fact that some others are surprised that I'm so hurt, I don't understand!  I love you, Ileana.  So the fact that you're not with me is killing me.  It's pretty straightforward.  So why don't some others believe???  I haven't left you and I haven't quickly moved on to some other girl from South America!  I LOVE YOU!!!  God knows this is true; I cried just last night in the middle of my prayer to God.  If I have to prove it to the whole world, I will.  But first, I want you to believe me.  I love you Ileana.  Love,