Got some things off my chest

This afternoon, some time around 5:30pm give or take, Sue came into my office and asked me something along the lines of "how have you been?" or "how's it going?"  I told her the truth, I said that I was unhappy.  We talked for at least an hour, if not closer to an hour and a half, since it was nearly 7pm when we finished talking and she left my office.

I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest.  But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego.  In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation.  Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer.  So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue.  In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.

During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation.  First, the anecdote.  I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game.  I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.

Second, the analogy.  I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit.  I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone.  Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together.  I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.

During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself.  I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual.  I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed.  Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.

In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA.  Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA.  Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave.  I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.

Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other.  When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes.  Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.

If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it.  There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.

As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything.  I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave?  I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.

With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring.  In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.