Saw Temple vs. Rutgers at Lincoln Financial Field, section 105, row 26, seat 9 for $35.00 with Paul.

Saw Temple vs. Villanova at Lincoln Financial Field, section 133, row 23, seat 9 for $20.00 with Wagner, Corey, and Ben.

Saw the Drive Tour, featuring College, Anoraak, and Electric Youth, at Union Transfer for $15.00 with Wagner.

Went to The Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) for $25.00 with Adaliz.

Dear Ileana, I'm in Key West for Paul's wedding to Sarah-Jane.  To see and catch-up with my friends who are married and to see Paul and Sarah-Jane, I'm opening my eyes to the realization that you don't love me.  You consistently, over and over again, cheated on me with other guys.  Even if you try to justify that you did what you did at times when we were broken up, it doesn't matter; if you loved me, you wouldn't want to be with anyone else.  So let me ask you point-blank: why did you waste 2 1/2 years of my life, when the truth was that you still wanted: 1) to be with Stefan (offended that he had the gall to leave you, and then jealous when he started dating and fucking the Brazilian girl, Fernanda?), and/or b) to see how it felt to touch and have other dicks inside of you?  I now believe that you lied to me when you said, when you were leaving me on March 2nd, that this had nothing to do with other guys, yet just last Sunday Wagner saw you walking with a guy down the Schuylkill River Trail.  What's with your fucking inability to tell the truth???  I remember telling you way back at the beginning of our relationship to be honest with yourself and then honest with others.  But you couldn't do it: you didn't break-up with Stefan even though you were spending almost every single day with me.  You were living a lie, and I told you so.  And it sure seems that 2 1/2 years later, you have not matured, you have not learned that lesson, because you were telling me that we were exclusive, that we were boyfriend-girlfriend again, yet you were at least kissing the dj, if not other guys, and if not touching their dicks too.  I would not be even a tiny bit surprised to find out that you were fucking other guys in 2012 while also having sex with me.  What's the truth, Ileana?  Have the decency to come clean.  I want to know the entire truth.  It'll help me to move on.  Love,

Dear Ileana, As I write this I'm bawling like a baby.  I'm watching Benjamin Button on tv and its making me cry.  First, I remember we watched it together.  So many things remind me of you.  This is so hard . . . I miss you so much my heart feels like its dying.  I've never loved a woman as much as I've loved you.  But my heart is beginning, just the littlest bit, to tell me that I've lost you forever.  Second, the movie is making me cry, because it reminds me that I'm going to die some day, it may be soon or it may be many years from now.  But there is no doubt I will no longer be here someday.  And as I cry hysterically here, I pray to God for the blessing to one day love again, even though I may not deserve it.  I hope to God that one day I feel and know true love again.  I'm all alone; I have been since you left me.  I'm no longer so immature to think that sex with someone whom I don't love will provide me any sort of contentment.  I'm not an animal, and I will not use a woman for quick, easy sex for my own selfish motivations.  I'm a mature and respectful man, so I intend to only have sex when I am in love again.  My intense sadness arises from the reality that the woman I now love -- you, Ileana -- does not love me, is not here with me in any way -- not sexually, not physically, not emotionally, nothing.  I'm a good man, willing to give my heart, love, and passion to a woman who loves me.  I feel so utterly hopeless right now.  I feel betrayed, not just specifically by you, but by life in general.  Will I ever be loved by a woman again?  Will you, Ileana, ever love me again?  I know that I'm just a regular guy, not rich or famous in any way, not hip or cool or in any in crowd.  I've dedicated my life to helping those less fortunate.  If this is the only form of love I can give, then I will die someday accepting it as God's will.  And from time to time, I'll think about you, Ileana, and wonder . . . I will love you until the day I die, no matter what.  I love you now.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Wow, two interesting updates today.  First, you text me at 11am.  Second, I talked to Wagner tonight and he told me that he saw you on a walk this past Sunday late afternoon on the Schuylkill with a white guy possibly blonde hair.  I know that I shouldn't read too much into either one.  For your text, I could think: oh wow, she misses me and she wants to open communication to see if we could be together again.  But then I look at what you wrote which, in essence, was simply: hi, how are you?  And that doesn't have to mean anything but just that.  Then, for the walk with the guy, I could think: oh no, she's moved on from me, she's dating this guy, she's probably sleeping over his place, probably that night after the walk, which means you've likely had sex with someone else now since leaving me.  But then I think to myself: don't jump to conclusions, they weren't holding hands, and Ileana is not attracted to blonde guys (if Wagner's memory serves him correctly).  So, the take-away from all of this is I should assume nothing and try to keep an even keel.  Either you love me or you don't.  Either you intend to be with me again someday or you don't.  And you're the one who left me, you're the one who said she was confused.  So my initial reaction right now is that I'm not gonna respond to your text.  If you truly love me and you've become un-confused, you'll come find me and tell me that directly, not merely send a text message saying a platonic "hi, how are you?"  And until or unless you make the move to state your true love for me that has become clear to you, I want nothing else from you.  I don't want to be friends with a girl who consistently hooked up with other guys for the past 9+ months, who physically hit me numerous times when she got angry, who didn't often compliment me or even seem to like me, who didn't kiss me passionately just because, and who was able to lie to my face.  The only force in the universe capable of overcoming all that is true, real LOVE, expressed genuinely and willingly and passionately and consistently.  If you can't, won't, or don't want to LOVE me, then leave me alone.  I love you, Ileana.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Last night, after writing, I turned off the light, lied back in bed and prayed like I do every night.  While praying last night I broke down and cried hard.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I feel so empty, like there's nothing that can make me happy.  I have no interest in other women, because I have nothing to give.  I gave my heart to you and you still have it.  My empty chest can't provide anything to anyone.  As much as I want to see you and talk with you and be with you, I fear that I'm so dead, that I'll actually turn you off.  So I'm in this terrible funk where my separation from you is causing all this suffering, yet to see you too soon would probably hurt my chances for what I ultimately hope for: to be with you again.  Which leaves me with no real choice but to continue suffering, wondering if you still love me and if we will have a future together again.  I had the missed call from you back on Saturday, April 7th, but I haven't heard from you since then.  What am I to think?  Am I being impatient like I have been in the past?  Or am I a fool that's holding out hope in a hopeless situation?  I'm scared of losing you.  I'm not ignorant of our rough times, but I always thought that we'd get through everything.  I felt that we had something special, that could not be destroyed, that would survive every challenge no matter what.  Was I right?  Or was I wrong?  I love you and I miss you so much.  I remember you were with me when I bought this pad of paper at Rite-Aid at 23rd & Walnut.  I never would've guessed that one day I'd be writing love letters, of a love lost, to you on this very pad of paper.  We both have things that we need to work on, need to learn, but I thought we had a good relationship -- all the hours we spent together, all the things we did together.  Why can't we be together now?  Like Michael Grimm covered Al Green on America's Got Talent: "Let's Stay Together."  Please Ileana, I love you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Another night and another step closer to the abyss.  I don't see a future for myself.  I don't like being alone any more.  I really can't stand other women because none of them compare to you.  In fact I pissed off Cherise tonight (she's in town this week for business; she's staying in a hotel all week), when I told her that I never wanna be with another woman if it isn't with you (meaning you, Ileana).  She got angry and told me I was being dramatic.  I said that that's how I truly feel in my heart, so I don't think that's dramatic, even if that's her opinion.  Yet objectively, I maybe look foolish, especially if the whole truth, both sides are put side-by-side.  I say that because I'm feeling negative still; I have this sinking feeling that you may already be dating someone else and sleeping with them.  Is this true?  Please be honest with me; at this point, you probably have nothing to lose.  Plus, as you can see from all these letters, I'm still hanging on; if I know you're falling in love with someone else, then I'll know that you no longer love me and I'll have to move on.  Right now, I can't, because I don't want to; I still love you, so I have hope that we'll be together again.  And if I think you're just alone, then I'll keep up hope that you'll come back to me someday.  Do you see where it's actually nicer to tell me the hard truth? rather than know that you're making me lose time and suffer for a possibility that's not really possible?  That's why I ask you, out of all respect and decency, please -- in a nice but direct way -- tell me the truth.  And don't water it down.  Tell it to me straight -- if you're falling in love with someone else, if you already love someone else, if you're in a relationship with someone else, if you've moved in with someone else, if you have a new boyfriend, if you're consistently having sex with someone else.  Just tell me the truth and then I'll realize that I've lost you.  I thought we had something rare and good and special; but if you don't agree, then it doesn't matter what I think.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Let me warn you, I'm feeling kinda negative tonight.  My fear is winning out over my hope.  I have this bad feeling that you may have slept with someone already, at least in a literal sense and maybe also in a sexual sense.  The thought of either one, but particularly the latter, hurts me and makes me feel sick to my stomach.  It hurts to think of you with someone else.  I don't want you to be with anyone else!  I want you to be with me.  We have such good chemistry and passion, I don't know why you'd wanna be with anyone else.  I don't want to be with another woman but you.  I want us to hug and kiss and everything else every night.  I want to fall asleep next to you.  I want to wake up next to you.  This sucks, I hope to God you're not with anyone else!  I'm just so baffled by how we got here.  Can you please explain to me someday what happened on Friday, March 2nd?  It was so sudden and out of the blue.  I thought we were doing okay and heading in a good direction.  If there was something I should've done, or shouldn't have done, or should've done differently, I wish you would've talked to me and let me know.  Only 1 week before you had written me in a text: "I want you to trust me.  I can be faithful to you."  You wrote that on Thursday, February 23rd, only 8 days before you left me.  What happened???  Where did things go wrong???  Were you telling me, but I wasn't listening?  Was I just plain ignorant?  If you just needed some space, then I would've been okay with that; all I was asking for in return was regular communication.  Ileana, I honestly, deep down in my heart, think we are very, very good for each other, if only we communicate well.  I need to be kinder in my words to you and more patient overall; You need to be more willing to talk to me, as opposed to shutting down, especially when you're angry at me.  If we could do our part, our relationship would be great, because it was when there was no conflict or anger.  But it all ended because you shut down.  Please come back!  Love,

Dear Ileana, I have never loved another woman the way that I love you.  I hope we can be together again some day.  I know I need to be patient.  I know I need to give you space.  I feel like, in a lot of ways, we were both premature at getting back together in January, but we both feared too much time going by for fear of losing each other, when in fact we should've had faith that we'd still love each other even as some more time went by.  I feel like we were premature, we should've let more of the negative emotions -- guilt and resentment -- dissipate before getting back together again.  So, with the hope of actually learning our lessons, I'm trying my hardest to stay patient and respect your space.  But its getting really hard and I'm starting to feel the urge to take action, to do something, to reach out to you.  I'm thinking about your missed call from last Saturday and I'm very tempted to call you back.  Its so hard not having you as part of my daily life.  Its frustrating too because tonight is Saturday night and I can only imagine what you're doing.  I pray to God that you don't do anything impulsive.  I'm gonna say it point-blank: I miss having sex with you.  I miss when we get naked standing up and hug each other.  I miss getting under the blankets with you.  I miss the excitement of kissing you.  I really miss going down on you.  I miss you going down on me.  I miss grabbing your ass.  I miss seeing your beautiful face by the twilight of your or my bedroom.  I miss touching and kissing your body all over.  I really miss kissing your neck.  I miss holding hands with you, in bed, walking down the street, on the couch, anywhere.  I miss your beautiful body Ileana.  I don't want to be intimate with any woman but you.  I miss you so much.  And that's part of why its so hard for me to be patient and respect your space, though recent history tells me that I must.  It will make it all the sweeter when we are finally together again.  I hope you feel and want the same thing.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I cried again tonight because I miss you so much.  I'm not sure what else to say right now.  I'm writing all these letters because I want you to see, know, and believe some day when you read them that I really, truly do love you, and I don't want to be with anyone but you.  But then I wonder: has there ever been a question that I love you?  For the most part I think: not really.  Then I think that if you focus on my biggest mistakes, my most hurtful moments towards you, then I think that maybe you have questioned my love for you.  And my response to that is: I love you with my whole heart and soul, so much so that, if I can't be with you, I prefer to be alone.  I love you so much that I am willing to wait for you.  My mistakes were moments of weakness, and very hard lessons learned, of what never to do again, words and deeds for which I have prayed for God's forgiveness, and for which I beg for your forgiveness.  My love for you is so great that I am committed to accepting responsibility for those mistakes and making change to be a better man.  I believe I've been doing that and I'll keep doing that.  But anyway, I'm kinda getting off track, because I believe you already know that I love you; at least I hope so.  If I understand our break-up, then I think the true question is whether you love me.  And I think you need time and space apart from me to discover the answer.  In my heart, I believe you love me, but you've been hurt by me, and you reacted to that hurt in ways that you now feel guilty about, which makes it even more difficult to both give and receive love.  That's my opinion, and I pray to God that I'm right, because if I am, then ultimately, at our core, we both love each other deeply.  And if that is true, then we will be together again, according to God's will.  I have faith (that's definitely being tested) that this break will allow negativity to dissipate and go away, to be replaced by forgiveness, and finally true love.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I'm so sad.  My life feels so empty without you in it.  Yeah, I've got a great network of friends and people that care about me.  And I thank God for those people because I don't know where I'd be or how I'd feel without them and their support.  But Ileana, no one can replace you.  I don't believe there's a single person in this world that could ever replace you.  I miss you so much it hurts.  Then I wonder, have I depended on you too much for my happiness?  If so, that's a problem, and it explains how I'm feeling now.  And it makes sense that maybe you did the same with me.  And if that's so, then that was a form of pressure that we put on each other.  And that makes sense too.  Looking back, and not even that far, I should've encouraged you and made sure, for example, that you went to that all-day panel at Taller just a month or so ago.  And you should've encouraged me to buy a bicycle and start riding it regularly.  We both should've pushed each other to follow-through on private salsa lessons: it would've been fun and it would've brought us closer together.  I think we both unintentionally fell into the trap of our daily routines.  This is a big lesson we both need to learn, and hopefully God willing, with each other.  I hope you know, Ileana, that I didn't intend for you to feel in "handcuffs," like you said in our last conversation.  You should know that because I've always been one to go out, to party, to eat, to walk, to go on adventures, etc., and you know that because we've done all of those things together.  I wanna do those things with you again: I want to travel to new places, I want to go dancing frequently (so I get better too!), I want to go on random, spontaneous adventures within and outside the city, I want to try new activities that we've never done.  In a nutshell, I want to live life, deeply and happily, with you Ileana.  I want no one else but you and I know we can do this. Love,

Dear Ileana, It's now been 40 days and 40 nights since you've left me.  I guess this milestone may be biblically important, but to me it's just a sad reminder that I've gone that long without you in my life.  I will say, though, that every morning you are the first thing on my mind and every night you are the last thing on my mind.  I also want to let you know that I pray to God every single night before falling asleep, and I often pray for God to protect you, lead you away from temptation, and to heal your heart too.  I'm definitely still in the process of healing.  While talking with Diane earlier today, I realized that I sounded so bitter about things with us.  Afterwards I felt shameful, because I know in my heart that I love you.  It's just that I feel very hurt still, that's just the truth.  I want to heal.  I want to forgive you.  I also want to forgive myself for some things that I've said and done.  This will all take time.  A few people have acted or been surprised that I'm so torn up about you.  In fact, I've been so depressed that I've missed a lot of work.  That opinion (of a few) reminds me of something you thought about me before you moved out, when you thought that you couldn't appreciate any of my attention because you didn't think it was genuine enough.  And that opinion of me really hurts me a lot.  Why did you not believe that my love for you was genuine?  Yeah, I made some mistakes, but I admit them, and I'm sorry for them, and I hope you forgive me; but I have always loved you.  And the fact that some others are surprised that I'm so hurt, I don't understand!  I love you, Ileana.  So the fact that you're not with me is killing me.  It's pretty straightforward.  So why don't some others believe???  I haven't left you and I haven't quickly moved on to some other girl from South America!  I LOVE YOU!!!  God knows this is true; I cried just last night in the middle of my prayer to God.  If I have to prove it to the whole world, I will.  But first, I want you to believe me.  I love you Ileana.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I was just thinking back and I realized that it's already been 6 months since I went to Montreal. It makes me feel sad, because I felt like that may have been the last time that we were really on the same page.  I remember when I crossed the street late at night, and we hugged, and you told me that you missed me, and I felt so amazingly happy to be in your arms again.  Just writing about it now brings tears to my eyes, I felt so happy!  I really thought and felt that we were on the same page.  So where did we go wrong?  I feel like, below the surface, maybe I still felt hurt and resentful of the Whisper incident and maybe those feelings weren't fully resolved, through apology and forgiveness.  Perhaps similarly, below the surface, maybe, probably you still felt hurt and resentful of things I had said and done to you, and maybe those feelings weren't fully resolved, through apology and forgiveness.  If we stand any chance at being together again, we have to heal, and I have faith that will certainly happen.  The true question is whether there will still be love in our hearts for each other at that point.  If so, I think we would have to finish that process of sincere, heartfelt apology, followed by genuine forgiveness.  To this very day, I do not believe that we ever intended to hurt one another.  I never meant to hurt you, Ileana, and I don't believe that you ever meant to hurt me.  We both know each other very well, and we both know that we're good people.  But when we both realized that we had hurt the other, at times very deeply, our guilt began to mount, while our trust in the other began to diminish.  If we had recognized that, and like you had said, if we had resolved our issues, I believe in the bottom of my heart that we'd be together, happy and stronger for the experience.  I still pray to God, if it is God's will, that we can be together again, happy and good.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I just got back from Tom Burke's viewing.  After kneeling at the side of his open casket and saying a prayer, I had to step outside to cry.  Seeing him dead brought to the surface all the terrible feelings of loss that have been in my heart since losing you.  I cried.  I prayed to God, as I have every single day since you left me.  God knows how much I've been suffering.  To have been with you and to have been in contact with you for almost every day for nearly two and a half years, and then suddenly you abandon me completely and even block forms of communication is like a form of death, but yet I know you're still close by, alive and breathing, and I have no idea who you're with, what you're doing, and whether I exist for you.  Losing you has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  Where did we go wrong???  Are we past the point of no return?  Is there any chance for us to be together again?  I'm still reading the Bible.  I'm almost done with Psalms.  I reflect on the example God set in the Old Testament: He kept loving the Israelites, even though time and time again, they forget about Him and they turn their back on Him, but they eventually realize time after time that God's love is true, so they always return to God.  I wonder, I dream, could it be that way with you and me?  Can we come back to each other some day? and get it right, learn from our lessons, and treat each other right?  Or am I a silly dreamer, holding on to a fantasy that you don't have, that you might even laugh at?  I don't know what to say, how to feel.  I just know that, despite the negative feelings that still linger (and I pray to God will dissipate and disappear), I miss you so very much and I still love you.  There's no other woman I want but you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I really miss you a lot.  I think you're an amazing young woman, both intelligent and beautiful.  You're a rare breed and I'm sure you know it.  I really miss our time together.  I thought we had a good thing, but I guess you don't agree.  And as attracted as I am to you, I guess you don't feel the same way about me.  I don't understand why you moved in with me.  I don't understand why you came back to me in January and February.  I don't understand why you promised to be exclusive.  I don't understand why you started dating me at all.  I don't think you ever loved me, not for one day, not even for one minute.  I don't even think you ever liked me.  So why did you start dating me?  Is it because you wanted to teach a lesson to Stefan: that he was making a mistake by leaving you for Brazil?  Do you think you were successful at teaching him that lesson?  Do you realize that you did it at the expense of a man's heart and over two years of a man's mortal life?  You used me as an instrument.  You used me.  Put yourself in my shoes, in my head, and in my heart.  How do you think I feel?  Despite all the hurt you've put me through, I still love you.  And that's the really hard thing to deal with right now.  You dragged me along, not realizing that my love for you kept getting deeper and deeper.  Its hard for me to imagine my life without you, yet that's exactly what's been forced on me.  I guess I should start thinking of moving on.  But each and every day is a struggle.  I think of you non-stop.  You're still in my heart.  But what choice do I have?  I just wish you had been honest with me all along, but most especially at the end.  I don't think you were.  In fact, I know you weren't, because your words and actions were so wildly inconsistent that something, some parts of that, had to have been a fraudulent act.  Why?  Love,

Dear Ileana, I had a missed call from you earlier today, just past 3:30pm.  I didn't realize the phone was ringing, and I'm glad I didn't realize it.  My theory is that you were probably deleting my number from your contacts, and you accidentally dialed me, then when you realized that you were calling me, you immediately hung up, then promptly deleted my number.  This is a pretty reasonable theory, considering you've cut me off in almost every other possible way.  Plus, I can't imagine why you'd actually want to call me at 3:30pm on a Saturday.  I'm guessing you already had plans tonight to hang out with some guy.  And how can I compete with any of these guys?  I'm not full-blooded Latino.  I'm not an artist.  I'm not a dj.  I'm not the lead singer in a rock band.  I don't have a Latino last name.  You don't have a crush on me.  I don't have groupies.  All I am is a guy who's dedicated his life to those who are less fortunate.  I've asked God, years ago, to use me and my skills to fight for the rights of those who don't have a voice.  Although I have the ability to make a lot of money, to this point I've forsaken that to serve those who are underprivileged.  I'm a humble man with considerable skill and the willingness to fight anyone.  But I get the feeling that, in your eyes, I'm a nobody, none of that means anything.  I'm not famous.  And you are a beautiful, intelligent Latina that deserves more than a man who fits my profile.  Isn't that right?  And so, earlier today, you were probably deleting my number, to psychologically move on from me, and to make room for your new love interest or crush, but you accidentally called me.  Oh well.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I just got done crying for a while.  My heart hurts so much.  You were like family to me, and I've lost you.  You were my best friend, and I've lost you.  When I envisioned my future, I saw you there with me, but it seems I've lost you.  I'm so sad.  I feel so hurt.  I think that, by this point, you've almost certainly kissed another guy or guys.  That hurts me deeply to think of that.  I think that it's even possible that you may have had sex with another guy or guys.  That thought kills me.  I still love you Ileana, so to think of you with anyone else hurts me and pierces me to my core.  Do you even know how I feel?  Do you not love me at all?  My life feels so empty without you.  I think of you every single day, yet you're not here.  This hurts so badly.  It doesn't seem fair.  Stefan left for Brazil and at some point in the few months he was there he found a girlfriend, who he brought back to Philly and he's still with, if I remember correctly.  That proves right there that his feelings for you were not true love.  And yet my instinct tells me that your feelings for him, even after all this time, are stronger than your feelings for me.  Yet I'm the one that cries for you, I haven't left you for anyone, my heart belongs to you, I've admitted my mistakes, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove my love to you.  But you turn your back to me and walk away from my true, sincere love.  Why?  You've never told me the real reason.  Why did you leave me?  I still love you Ileana and I will continue to love you, because love is not a switch to be turned on and off, and if its real, it will live on, despite any obstacles or challenges.  There is no force in the universe more powerful than love.  I love you Ileana for everything you are and I will, no matter what.  Love,

Dear Ileana, You broke my heart.  Why?  I went out tonight for Carmen's birthday.  There were other people from work there.  I got the impression at one point that you would've joined us, but you decided not to because I was there.  Was I so bad to you that you don't even want to see me?  I don't understand.  What did I do to you?  It really sucks.  There were at least two girls tonight that I'm sure liked me.  Why don't you like me?  If you had the chance, would you tell those two girls how bad and terrible I am?  Would you tell them all the reasons why they should pass me by for a dj or a rock band singer or an artist instead?  Do those titles make those guys better than me?  What makes me such a terrible guy in your eyes?  Why do you avoid me?  Why do you put up wall after wall between us?  I don't understand.  People like me, yet you don't.  I don't get it.  I've always wanted to be an intelligent, athletic, and kind person.  Have I failed?  Compared to all the other guys in Philadelphia or in the whole world, am I really that undesirable?  Why couldn't you be honest with me about your reason for leaving me?  You lied to me until the very end.  Why did you lie?  How could you lie to my face?  Did I not deserve the respect of honesty?  Was I that unworthy, to be dealt lies?  You make me feel like shit.  You make me feel like a bad person.  You make me feel like I'm lacking something.  You make me feel like less than a man.  You've destroyed my confidence.  You've bruised my ego.  You've killed my spirit.  Why have you done all these things to me?  Do I deserve all these things?  Please tell me the truth.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Before you walked out on me on Friday, March 2nd, you said that you wanted to be friends with me.  Why?  You had already de-friended me on facebook.  Some time the next week you blocked me on gmail chat.  I haven't heard from you at all since then.  Starting in at least June 2011, according to your own admission, you consistently hooked up with other guys at least every two months, all the way up until today.  So why did you want to be friends with me?  Before you moved in with me at 18th & Fitzwater, you wrote that you weren't thrilled to be with me.  And even in our last go-around in February of this year, you didn't even seem to like me, let alone love me.  So again, why did you want to be friends with me?  Do you want to be friends with me today, whenever it is that you're finally reading this?  Ileana, I don't understand how things got to this place.  Yes, I made mistakes, but I've always loved you.  Yes, in some ways, although I was undoubtedly attracted to you from the moment I met you, my love for you took time to take root and grow.  Although I too went through periods of self-doubt and insecurity in the relationship, when the going got tough, I was always committed to you and to our relationship.  I know that, in my own ways, I was also inconsistent at points of our relationship, and looking back, I'm sorry for the message that sent to you, but in the end, and throughout it all, I knew that I wanted no one but you.  So again, despite our troubles, how did we get to this point?  As I write this now, I miss you so much, and not because I'm lonely, but because I miss you, Ileana.  As I write this now, I want to be more than just friends with you.  Of course, the more time that goes by, the more it seems that you don't even want to be friends with me.  That hurts.  I hope my fears are wrong.  Love,

Dear Ileana, My hope for us is starting to fade.  I know how I feel and I love you.  But I just don't have a lot of faith that you love me.  Maybe I'm not giving you enough credit or maybe I'm just scared.  Or maybe you really don't love me.  I have no way, right now, of knowing for sure.  So I can only guess, and that means falling prey to the ups and downs of my daily hopes and fears.  I know that there are several things that I will never do in any relationship with any woman in the future, including and especially you, if I get that opportunity.  These are lessons learned from my relationship with you, and understanding that I did things that really harmed the relationship and that really hurt your feelings.  I'm still very sorry for these mistakes and I will continue to pray for your forgiveness.  I love you, Ileana, please believe me.  That's why I feel so badly that I gave in to impulses and immature reactions that sent you a message other than love.  These are my promises to myself and my future, and if you can forgive me, to you too: I will never cheat again, never, its not worth it, and its so dishonorable; I will never hit a woman, never ever, its also not worth it, its reactionary and undignified for a man to do that to a woman; I will speak kindly to my woman, in other words I will be aware of how my words affect other people, especially those who love me and deserve my positive, reassuring support; I will make my woman my number one priority, meaning that although I will be responsible to my job and work responsibilities, whenever reasonably possible, I will make time to be with my woman, I want her to be the center of my world, not just as a cliche, but in my everyday choices in life, including compromising and doing things that she wants to do, especially with her friends too.  These are four huge lessons that I have learned.  I wonder if I'll be able to show you.  I wonder if you love me.  I wonder if I'll be with you again.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I've been feeling pretty stoic about us today.  I know that either you love me and I'll hear from you again or you don't and I won't.  I have a lot of faith that it's the first one.  Neither one of us would've stuck through some of those challenging times if we didn't truly love one another.  Neither one of us would've cried so many tears if our whole heart wasn't in it and wanted us to work so badly.  Neither one of us would've exhibited the passion we have for the other, time after time after time, in both positive and negative manifestations.  That passion, that desire, that magnetism is love.  Our problem was that all too often we didn't trust that the other truly loved.  And I think the reason for that is that neither one of us felt like we deserved the love of the other.  Our own individual fears, insecurities, and lack -- or less than enough -- of self-love killed this relationship.  Since we didn't feel like we deserved the other's love, any mistake by the other party only validated and supported that insecurity, and from there it was just a downward vicious cycle of waiting for the other person to mess up to "prove" that we didn't love each other.  It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And yet we both love each other so much.  And like all true love, it will never die.  Looking forward from here, then, the question is not whether we will still love each other; we will.  The question is whether the timing will be right -- after we internally forgive ourselves and each other, completely -- for us to one day be together again.  And if that happens, the immediate challenge is demonstrating to each other through consistent actions that we love each other and that we feel secure enough to deserve each other's love.  In other words, our love must be for ourselves and for each other, which goes back to truly having forgiven ourselves and each other for our past mistakes.  I know that seems like a lot needed to happen, but I have faith that if it is true love, then anything is possible.  Love,

Dear Ileana, "From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl, my heart said follow through."  Those are the opening lines, if you don't recognize them, from a Bob Marley song.  Since meeting you, every time I hear them, I think of you, because they describe so perfectly my experience with you.  I've never had that experience, or felt that way about any other woman, ever.  So I know that that moment is very rare.  And I really don't know, of course, or believe that that will ever happen to me before I die.  I've always said that the connection we have is very special.  And no matter what kinds of mistakes we've both made over the course of the relationship, in spite of any and all regrets, nothing can ever take away from the beauty and rarity of those feelings, and intuitions, when we first met.  That's why it's so frustrating now to be apart from you, with the thought and possibility, that we didn't make it work, even though we have something so rare and special.  But when my faith is clear and strong, I know that if I truly love you and if you truly love me, then someday we will be together again.  The rarity and specialness of our connection is something that, with time apart, will hopefully shine through and become more apparent over time.  I have no idea what you're feeling today or what you'll be feeling tomorrow, but I can only hope that you recognize our very special attraction, and if it is Gods's will, we'll be together again when the time is right for both of us.  I know there are a lot of negative feelings right now and recently: resentment, guilt, regret; but love will always outlast those bad feelings.  Its happened for many others, so I know it can happen with us.  I'm trying to be patient, which is something that I'm not always good at, but maybe for me, that's part of why this is our reality.  I'm willing to face any challenges, with the faith that they're opportunity for growth, and eventual happiness, hopefully with you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I love you with my whole heart and soul.  It's been 30 days since I last saw you face-to-face.  Only God knows how many more days until I see you again.  It's been tremendously difficult to be apart from you.  When I think back on our relationship, I wish it had been different.  Knowing how I feel today, I wish I had done things differently to avoid getting to this point.  I wish we could start all over.  And maybe that's the point of where we're at right now, to be apart for a while, so that we can start all over again in the future, but this time with the lessons learned from the first go-around.  But I know there are no guarantees.  And I really don't know how you feel today or how you'll feel in the future.  That's the hard part for me right now: not knowing if you think of me, not knowing if you miss me, not knowing if you love me.  This is fast becoming one of the most challenging periods of my life.  But I'm willing to take it on.  The only thing I have control over is learning my lessons, so I'm a better man as a result.  I want to be a better boyfriend to you.  I want to be a better man for me and for you.  I want to make you happy.  I want you to feel safe with me.  I want you to have fun with me.  I want you to trust me.  I want you to feel thrilled to be with me.  I want to make you laugh.  I want you to feel proud to be with me.  All those things can only happen if I feel good about myself, if I'm happy, and if I've learned from my mistakes.  All those things can only happen if I treat you like the most special woman in the world, as the beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman that you are, at all times every day.  I will do so, if it's God's will that we be together again some day.  My attraction to you was instantaneous, but my love for you took root over the entire course of our relationship.  I accept that that was God's will.  But now that my love is present I don't want to do anything, in word or in deed, to betray that love.  I simply will not.  I want to love you every day for the rest of my life.  Love,

Saw Fela! at the Academy of Music, balcony, section F, row F, seat 1, for $40.00 with Carmen.

Saw Temple vs. Massachusetts at the Liacouras Center, section 102, row F, seat 8, for $35.00.

Saw Penn vs. Harvard at The Palestra, section 216, row 11, seat 20, for $20.00 with Corey and Wagner.