Saw American Hustle at Riverview 17 with Jeannie and Jess for $12.00 per ticket.

Saw Temple at Penn men's college basketball game at the Palestra, section 201, row 17, seat 21, with Jeannie, Jeannie's dad, Malinda, Omar, and Eric, for $14.00 per ticket.  There was a post-game performance by Bill Cosby.

Bought a gray Schwinn Traveler for $325, plus $26 tax, at Via Bicycle.

Saw Gravity (in 3D) at the Rave University City 6 with Jeannie for $13.50 per ticket.

Cool winds

It's that time of year.  Football is almost here!!!  This coming Thursday is the college football kick-off.  There's one more week of NFL pre-season, then the NFL regular season starts just two weeks from now.  The downside, I guess, is that summer is coming to an end.  Labor Day is next weekend, but that's a nice thing for me now since that's the anniversary of when I met Jeannie.  It's also the start of my favorite season of the year: fall.  In addition to being football season, I love the warm days and cool nights.  I remember as a child walking the trails of Cheesequake State Park and Holmdel State Park during the fall.  I also remember favorably the excitement and anticipation of a new school year and the building excitement for the fall holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas.  It's a good time of year, for sure.

I'm hoping some of that spirit of renewal and rejuvenation effect me this year.  If you've read my recent posts, you know that there has been a lot of negativity in the air, mainly at work.  Jeannie and I leave this coming Thursday for a long weekend in Montreal.  I had been hoping that our recent trip to Ensenada, Mexico and San Diego might infuse me with some positive rejuvenation.  It didn't happen that way, but I remain hopeful that this upcoming trip to Montreal will finally do so.  Now that Jeannie and I are expecting a baby, and especially since Jeannie is still looking for work, I feel it's important that I use the challenges at work as an opportunity to learn lessons and re-double yet again my focus and energies on the work itself, rather than bothering myself with worries about other people's perceptions of me.  God knows me.  God knows that I'm not a perfect man, but that I'm a good man who does good work by helping others, both at work as part of my job but also outside of work as a compassionate man.  This past Wednesday when I was leaving work and walking with Ben, his boyfriend Kyle, and another attorney from the office, Jane, down 15th Street toward Baja Room, I saw a homeless woman with whom I'm friendly, Maria.  As I passed her, I happily said hi, and she turned around and came running back to me to give me a hug.  Earlier that day, as I was walking back down Chestnut Street from Court, a young guy approached me and shared with me his story of trying to get on his feet and look for work.  He asked for help getting shoes or shirts for work.  In response I arranged to meet him at 2pm tomorrow to give him a pair of shoes and possibly some shirts, to get him going in the right direction.  God knows that I'm a good man, even if I haven't been perfect.  Whether any one at work realizes that is no longer my concern.  I'll do my job to the best of my ability until I feel in my heart that it's time to move on.

Whoever you are reading this now, I pray that God blesses you with good health, happiness, and love.  Whatever troubles you may have or worries on your mind, may this season be one of healthy renewal for you too.  God bless you.

Day off

It's amazing how much better I feel when I'm not at work.  I feel so much more at ease.  I feel so much more like my self.  I'm off work today, and even though I only slept about 6.5 hours last night, I've felt pretty good all day.  I'm getting a little bit tired now, so I think I'll write here, then hit up the gym while I'm still functional.

Today started off with Jeannie and I going to Pennsylvania Hospital for our second pre-natal appointment.  We met with (who I think was) a certified nurse, who ran through a battery of questions with Jeannie then gave her a physical examination.  Jeannie and I (mostly Jeannie) had the chance to ask some questions, so that was good.  The nurse also reviewed the results of Jeannie's blood test from our first appointment a couple weeks ago.  Everything looked good.  She told us that we're a low-risk pregnancy, and I hope to God that everything goes as smoothly as it sounds like it can or may.

Next, we met with another, older woman in an office down the hallway.  I don't know her title, but she was very helpful, in terms of being very up-front and descriptive about the nature of the pain associated with childbirth and also about the benefits of using a midwife for childbirth, rather than a doctor in a hospital.  After hearing earlier that we're a low-risk pregnancy, I like the idea of using a midwife.  Jeannie said she was also leaning that way, although she said that her birth mother has been encouraging (shall I say?) her to go with a doctor.  While meeting with the woman this morning, I told Jeannie that I like the sound of using a midwife and I don't want us to make decisions that are driven by fear (of what could go wrong).  I want to keep setting the tone that we're both going to be as healthy as we can be throughout this process on all levels -- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and otherwise -- so we have positive energy and so we think positive.  Although it may sound cheesy, I don't want to operate in "what-if"s, but in "we can"s.  Ultimately we must have faith in God that everything we will as it shall be.

After getting back from the appointment, I took the rest of the afternoon to fold some laundry that had needed to be folded and put away for a couple days.  I also reviewed 3 of 5 folders of legal documents (templates and model documents) for this coming year of law students.  As productive as I felt this afternoon, though, days off always seem to fly by.  It's weird.

Can I learn from this test?

Man, how difficult it seems to be happy, genuinely happy!  I feel so weary of this life that I'm living.  The biggest weight around my neck is my relationship with my coworkers.  I need to figure out if there is anything that I can be doing better or differently without, of course, sacrificing my morals or principles.  The problem is that I have a supervisor whose skills as a lawyer are sub-par, due primarily to her tendency to over-identify with our women clients, while demonizing men in general, particularly the opposing parties.  Additionally, she also makes assumptions all the time, something which should be a no-no for any lawyer, yet she is the supervising attorney.  Oftentimes her assumptions play into her pro-woman, anti-man bias.  As with any team or organization, it's only as good as its leadership.  The second lawyer in seniority is very self-promotional, a quality which I generally dislike.  A cult of personality has grown around her and she seems to encourage it by speaking highly of herself, posting photos of herself throughout the office, and purposely sitting at the head of the table at weekly unit meetings.  I'm third in seniority.  The next lawyer in seniority has stated point-blank that she will only date black men.  This policy has challenged me internally since I found out about it.  On one hand, I understand that every person has the right to have their own preferences for who they date.  But if another woman stated that she only dates men who earn more than a million dollars per year, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being materialistic?  Or if another woman stated that she only dates men with a huge penis, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for objectifying men?  When we bring up issues of race, it naturally raises the question of racism.  Is it racist for the fourth lawyer in seniority to state that she only dates black men?  Is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being superficial?  What's even more frustrating for me is that these lawyers (1, 2, and 4) are all kind women at heart.  I know this, because I've seen it in how they treat others.  They're not necessarily bad people, but there are things about them that I frankly do not like.  But, as long as I'm analyzing this whole situation, I can easily wonder if there are things about me that they do not like.  Perhaps that's what I need to find out.  If I am to use this challenging period in my life for any kind of constructive purpose, then perhaps I need to be asking everyone what can I be doing differently? what can I be doing better? what do you dislike about my work as a lawyer? what do you dislike about my work as a supervisor of law students? what do you dislike about me as a coworker? what do you dislike about me as a person?  Today's Gospel reading at St. Charles Borromeo was from St. Paul's letter to the Hebrews.  I'm not sure the exact scripture citation, but after looking in my Bible here at home, I believe today's Gospel came from Hebrews 12.  Here's a direct quotation from Hebrews 12:5-11, The Message:

"My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,
    but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
    the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God."

I need to remind myself that every challenge in life must be a test from God.  I've tried to keep my head up, be a good man, do my work to the best of my ability, and disregard any perceived judgment or dislike from others.  But this three-day weekend that is now coming to an end was generally unhappy.  I had troubles sleeping, as a result of all the negative feelings from work.  As much as I try to put a positive spin on this whole thing, I can't help but feel crappy.  This negativity from work is effecting my overall emotional well-being.  What do I do?  If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me.  I pray to God to help me through this trial and lead me to where I need to be, even if it's somewhere other than where I am now.

Memorandum to management

TO:  Anita and Richard
FROM:  [Xxxxx]
DATE: 8/15/13

Earlier this year, I brought up the issue of name-calling opposing parties, which seemed to be happening more and more.  I raised the issue at a family law unit meeting.  I stand by my position that name-calling anyone (client, opposing party, co-worker, court official, etc.) in any setting is wrong.  I regret and feel ashamed, however, of my delivery, since I was too emotional when I raised it with the unit.  I learned from that mistake and hope to be better at delivering criticism to others.

Note that Sue repeatedly used the word "asshole" to describe only men opposing parties.  In a private conversation between Sue and I in my office, I told Sue that if she continued to name-call men as "assholes," then I would name-call women opposing parties as "cunts."  Of course that suggestion elicited a very angry reaction from her.  Just as I was angry at what I perceived as a unit bias against men.

The unit responded by making a policy that no one shall name-call a client or opposing party at a unit meeeting; instead each person shall use objective, descriptive statements of fact.  I accepted the unit's policy decision as a step in the right direction.  I added that I acknowledge I have no right to tell people how to speak behind closed doors, but I believe the policy should be no name-calling ever, in even private.  We, especially the leaders in the unit, have a duty to set an example of professionalism at all times.  There's no legitimate reason to name-call; there's no excuse to name-call.  The unit listened to me, but made no decision to take it to that level.

Just a couple days ago, I found out that Sue name-called me.  Sue called me a "bitch" in a private conversation with (an)other person(s) from the unit.  I'm not surprised, coming from the person who most name-called men opposing parties and the person who most wanted to limit the policy against name-calling to unit meetings only.  If I called any woman in my office a "bitch," I'd be fired for sexual harassment.  In a pro-woman-biased organization, however, the double standard is condoned.

I have two salient issues.  First, the alienation of me as the only male in the unit, especially since my personality is such that I get very frustrated with any kind of injustice or inequality.  Second, that the supervising attorney of the unit (and implicitly also management, by my perception of their failure to manage this situation) has not been a leader; she has not set an example of what a complete, professional, competent attorney should be; she's teaching the young people in our unit (paralegals, law students and even newer attorneys) that it's okay to assess a case by calling a man a "fucking asshole" or consider a case for representation based on an emotional sympathy for the woman client, rather than based upon the objective facts of the case.

I have many more issues with Sue's quality of work as supervising attorney (most of which I've told her directly) but that's beyond the scope of this memorandum.  I'll just say that I've tried at least a couple times to "manage up," and I've come to the conclusion that it's a useless waste of time.  I don't think that I will ever change Sue.  And it's also not my job to supervise or manage Sue.  Now having no respect for Sue, I intend to have as little contact as possible with Sue and I request management's approval of such.

As a final consideration, let me swear and affirm that I have never name-called any client, opposing party, coworker, or court official ever in any setting, whether at a unit meeting or closed-door meeting with anyone.  And as yourself: if you knew that the person supposedly guiding you and your legal career called you a "bitch," would you feel morale to come to work, see them in the office, consider their advice or assessment of cases, or like them as a person?  If your answer is anything but "no," then I will consider all my options, including sharing this with others and/or resignation.

Sun after the Storm

Although today was Wednesday I used a vacation day to take the day off from work.  I needed it.  Yesterday was one of the most emotional days at work since I've been back as an attorney.  I had exit interviews with two of the outgoing law student interns, the first being terrible, the second fortunately allaying most of the fears and insecurities that arose from the first.  Between the two, I met privately with Diana in my office in what turned out to be total gush of pent-up emotion, then a shorter open door meeting with Diane, which started out as an honest conversation, until the second law student showed up and thus began the second exit interview.  Although Jeannie and I went to Corey and Laura's house for a barbecue later in the evening, I was emotionally spent and my self-esteem had been greatly injured, therefore blunting the effect of what would normally have been a good time hanging out with a good friend and his fiancee.

Today was a much better day, although it started slow as I still had an emotional hangover from yesterday.  I felt tired, groggy, and emotionally weak for the first half of the day.  The fact that I wasn't in the office, which is the source of my low self-esteem and unhappiness, was a good thing and it ended up being a good day.

Jeannie and I stepped out around 9:30am to an absolutely beautiful day: blue skies, cool air, and a crisp breeze, a real precursor of fall even though we're still in mid-August.  We caught a cab to Pennsylvania Hospital for Jeannie's first prenatal appointment.  Jeannie had led me to believe that it was going to be a more comprehensive medical visit, but after waiting for nearly an hour and a half, during which time Jeannie filled out a bunch of paperwork, we eventually met with who I think was a nurse's assistant, who gave us some brief advice on the prenatal process and also scheduled our next appointment.  Then Jeannie had to get some blood taken.  And then we left.  It was sort of anticlimactic based on my assumption what it was going to be, but Jeannie said that she was happy that I went with her.

Next, we walked a couple blocks to Washington Square, where we got a coffee and blueberry scone for me and a cafe latte for Jeannie.  We sat at a sidewalk table in the direct warm sunlight and that's when a lot of the negativity from yesterday finally evaporated into the air.  It felt good to be with my girlfriend on a warm, relaxing summer day.

Next, we walked up Walnut Street to 16th, then walked to Chestnut and doubled back halfway up the block to get to H&R Block, where I finally got my taxes done for years 2009 through 2012.  I was due refunds for federal and state taxes for all years, so despite the hefty fee for the tax preparation, the net gain was worth it, especially to be completed in only about an hour and a half.  I felt content to finally check that task off my to do list.

Next, we walked home to eat lunch out in our back patio.  I warmed up some spaghetti, then ate some yogurt and cherries.  We had just enough time to eat lunch and relax for just a couple minutes, then it was time to see Father Ed.  Jeannie met with him for a little more than an hour.  We talked about preparing to get confirmed.  But most of our conversation was about preparing to get married.  During a minute when Father Ed had to step out of the room to take a phone call, Jeannie whispered to me that she would tell him that she's pregnant, in order to find out if it would effect his advice on our timeline and preparation for getting married.  I'm glad Jeannie did tell him, because he said that we could get married sooner if that's what we chose.  So our conversation led to a tentative decision to at least consider getting married at the end of this year, perhaps in December.  Finally, right before we left, Father Ed recited a prayer for parents-to-be from a prayer book, we all recited the Lord's Prayer, and he blessed us with holy water.  It was a really nice thing.  Writing and thinking about it now, I hope that God truly blesses us.  Insofar as work has been very trying lately, I pray especially to "forgive those who trespass against us" and to "lead us not into temptation" and "deliver us from evil."  Of course in the longer view, and in light of the prayer for parents-to-be, I hope to God that I'll be a good man and a good father.  For that I hope that God blesses me with the Holy Spirit and guides me to where I need to be, with whom, and what I should do and say in every situation.

Now, at the end of the night, I feel a sense of calm and relief, which is a complete 180 degrees from how I felt this time last night.  I have to go back to work tomorrow, though.  I can only hope that somehow some way things have or will turn a corner there.  For my part I know that in some way I probably need to lighten up and not take things too seriously.  Anyway, it's time for bed now...

Summer law students' last day

Today was the last official day for the summer law students.  For that reason there was a luncheon in the 5th floor conference room at 12:30pm.  After Anita said some words of thanks, she opened it up to whoever wanted to individually thank their law students.  Ben jumped right in to thank the work of his two students in the food stamp clinic.

After a pause, in which I deliberately thought to myself that I must speak, I did indeed give a short speech.  I said that I was proud of the four students under my supervision and the work they did this summer.  I said that it called to mind Mahatma Gandhi's statement that we must be the change we wish to see in the world, since I saw the change that took place this summer.  I said that I saw the external change that the students made by helping their clients.  I said how, just this morning, I was closing lots of casefiles and nearly every case was closed as a "limited action" (as opposed to "advice only") case, meaning that the student wrote a complaint for custody or complaint for support or a letter to the Court that wouldn't have been done for the client if it wasn't for us, if it wasn't for the law students.  I said that I also saw the internal change within the students, in their growth from day one until today, how they learned so much in the past ten (10) weeks and I hope I had something to do with that.  Finally, I said that I was proud of the work that the students did and I was happy for them.

Let me say that what I've written here is a pretty faithful paraphrase of what I said, but it reads much better here than how I delivered it.  Thus, I stand by the substance, but I felt somewhat embarrassed at the presentation.  The reason I say this is that I felt hesitant and a bit nervous in front of everyone.  This is nothing new when it comes to speaking in front of others about my own personal feelings, but I also know that my vibe standing before so many of my co-workers was effected by the negativity and dissatisfaction that I've been feeling at work for at least the past couple months.  If I had stood in front of a group of co-workers that I genuinely felt were my friends, people who cared for me and around whom I could feel comfortable and be myself, then the substance of my speech today would have been more natural, more confidently delivered.  Instead, it was a tentative, though sincere, sharing of my thoughts.  Bottom line: I can't stand where I work.  I want to feel passionate and motivated, while also supported and loved.  That ain't happenin' where I'm at -- a de facto women's rights, Penn Law lawyers-preferred, Haverford paralegals-preferred -- a public interest law firm that is becoming organizationally old and static and in which powered is essentially concentrated in the hands of just three people or so.  I'm tired of it, in a very real and literal way.  And I'm sure they're tired of me -- I'm not a woman, I'm not Penn Law or Haverford educated, and I don't kiss anyone's ass, ever.

Daydreaming of wandering north...

As I'm writing this now, I'm listening to Los Amigos Invisibles on youtube.  Listening to their music almost always makes me feel happy.  It's takes me away to another place, physically, psychically, and emotionally.  It somehow reminds me that there's a whole world out there, beyond the quotidian existence of my office, the world of family law, and the steps I take to get from home to the office and back.  I feel empowered even as I write this now.

Speaking of dreaming of other places, while at work today, between phone calls and other tasks, I looked at a map of Quebec province, Canada.  I daydreamed about my trip in the fall of 2011 to Montreal.  I remember the daylong train ride from Philadelphia through New York City, along the Hudson River and past Lake Champlain up to Montreal.  I recalled the sensation of feeling like I was in a European city, while still  knowing that my feet were firmly planted in North America.  I looked up some information on the city of Trois Rivieres on the banks of the St. Lawrence River and I hoped that Jeannie and I can make the trip there some time in the next month or so.  Just thinking about it, I could picture myself there and already I could feel my stress level declining.  God willing, we'll be there soon.

Finally tonight, I just want to say that I'm so thankful for Rocky and the Baby.  I love them so much.  While we sat on the couch eating our dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon and diced onion and red pepper, with a bagel with cream cheese, Rocky jumped up to sit between Jeannie and me and the Baby sat on top of the cable box like usual.  A little later on, when I was done with dinner and just sitting drinking a glass of orange juice, the Baby jumped up to sit on my lap.  Even now as I type, I look up from my desk and see Rocky perched on the thin ledge next to and above the stair case that leads down here to the basement.  These guys bring me so much happiness.  I hope they know that I love them so much.

Work and gym today, Florida in late October?

Jeannie and I worked out together at the gym at the YMCA tonight.  We did the following exercises: dumbbell squats; lat pull-downs; leg extensions; seated cable rows; and a quick set of lunges.  I haven't worked out legs in over a month, so I won't be surprised if I'm feeling it tomorrow.

We're hoping to plan a trip to visit my dad in Naples, Florida some time within the next couple months.  I sent an email to my dad just the other day asking if he's free for the first two weeks of October.  He replied to say that his sister (my aunt Judith) will be there from October 1st to the 12th.  So that blows that idea.  Then, my friend Corey is getting married on Saturday the 19th and Jeannie's family friend Cindy is getting married on Saturday the 26th.  I just wrote an email to my dad a few minutes ago to say that I guess we'll have to look at going to visit him at the very end of October into the beginning of November.  I'll look for his reply tomorrow.  If that's when we decide to go, I hope that the water temperature in the Gulf of Mexico isn't too cool yet.

Work wasn't so bad today.  I caught up with all my review of the law students' legal writing and case notes.  I caught up with most, though certainly not all, of my list of phone calls.  And, as the highlights of my day, Deeya came to ask me for case strategy this morning, Jesse came in the late afternoon to ask me for a critique of how she handled a case and also to ask for case strategy, and Lizzy, one of the paralegals, thanked me very kindly for sending a template of a motion to vacate an acknowledgment of paternity.  As I wrote just yesterday, I'm happiest when I feel like I can truly help others.  So in that context today was a pretty good day.  And for that I am thankful.

Journey begins now

Work sucks.  I need to find a new job.  My happiest moments at work are when I feel like I've actually helped someone and/or when I've genuinely connected with a client.  I can't look for a job on the basis of the second source of happiness, so I must look for a job on the basis of the first source: how, where, and in what way can I actually help people?  That will then lead me, naturally, to genuine connections with clients.  My legal experience and work history suggests that I stay in the field of family law, although I've always been interested in getting into immigration law.  Earlier tonight, Jeannie helped to install Microsoft Office on to my new computer (which I'm using to write this).  So, I will very soon start to develop a written plan for what I need to do to find my way to my next job.

Unlike what Anita said to a candidate at an interview today, I don't feel like I work in a collaborative environment.  As I've written about before, I don't feel comfortable at work.  To put it bluntly, I'm a minority: I'm a man in a woman's office.  My first legal job after law school was a contract position for a corporate firm defending a large pharmaceutical corporation in a class action civil suit.  I worked with about 100 other attorneys.  The team I worked on was about 12-15 of us.  Most of us were around the same age, we were mostly fresh or shortly out of law school, most of us had a really good sense of humor, and we were a mixed group (male/female and different skin colors).  Looking back, it was a great work environment.  I didn't like the work itself, but my co-workers really made work enjoyable.  If I could combine that collegiality and camaraderie with the substance of the work I do now, I think I'd be a happy worker.  I'd be motivated to go to work.  I'd feel the good spirit and support of those around me.  I'd feel like I was working with others with whom I share things in common.  I'd feel like I was working with equals.  That's what's missing at PLA, so that's what I want to find elsewhere.

Unlike what Jesse said to a candidate at an interview today, I do not feel energized at work.  The closer I get to the office, the more closed-off I feel, the more repressed I feel.  I don't feel comfortable walking around the hallways at work, because I don't feel supported, I feel that others get more credit than they deserve, I feel that some don't pull their weight, and as a man I feel totally left out.  So, in sum, work doesn't energize me; on the contrary, it drains me of any happiness I have when I get there.

I realize that I'm complaining a lot.  I try to keep these negative thoughts to myself, other than when I share them with Jeannie, or occasionally to my mom, dad, or sister.  I dump all these negative feelings here, because I need to get them off my chest.  I also go to the gym, because I have to release the negative energy through a physical outlet.  I hope to find a job from which I don't absorb negativity which I must later release through complaining, writing, and weight-lifting.  I hope to find a job which fulfills me, energizes me, and brings out the best in me.  May God help me.

Weekend round-up

I had a great weekend.  On Friday, I worked until 6:40pm, then walked home to get changed and go to the gym for about 45 minutes.  I did the following exercises: barbell bench press; dumbbell curl and press; dumbbell lateral raises; and tricep cable press-downs.  It was a good work-out.  I'll note that, for my final set of bench press, I put up 225 pounds for two (2) repetitions, with no spot.  Jeannie and I came back from the gym, and she took a quick shower, after which we made a dinner of salad and mac-n-cheese.  Then I took a shower and we headed out to meet Jeannie's friends, Katy, Deb, and Antoine at Morgan's Pier.  The breeze coming off the Delaware River was really pleasant and the views of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge were spectacular.  We got to Morgan's Pier just in time to see the fireworks at the end of the Camden Riversharks game.  The main downside to Morgan's Pier, however, was the loud volume of the techno music they were playing; it made it kinda hard to talk.  Overall, it was a good night though.

On Saturday, Jeannie and I met up with Corey and Laura for brunch at SoWe.  Jeannie had the crab cakes benedict and I had French toast.  We had a nice time catching up with Corey and Laura, who are getting married in a little more than two (2) months from now.  I feel like Corey and I have grown apart a bit since the suicide of Wagner.  It could be due to the busyness of our respective schedules or our preference to spend our free time with our respective partner, but I also wonder if one or both of us might be backing away out of a reaction to the death of Wagner, as a form of psychological self-preservation or just distancing ourselves from a terrible episode in our recent past.  Anyway, bringing it back to the present, it was great to see Corey and Laura.  After brunch, I dropped-off my brown dress shoes to be re-soled at Paul and Paula's shoe repair shop on South Street near 20th Street.  Then, we stopped in to Neighborhood Books on South Street near 19th, where I bought The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State by Friedrich Engels and The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene (which I'll read in that order).  After that, we came home and rested for a while until Jeannie's friend, Katy, came over for a visit and helped Jeannie to make what turned out to be a delicious chicken pot pie.  Later, around 9pm, my friend Ben and his boyfriend, Kyle, came over to join us.  And later, closer to midnight, Katy's husband, Andrew, stopped by for a few minutes after flying in to PHL.  We all just hung out and watched Spider-Man 3 on television.

Today was a good day.  We started the day as usual by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo.  After getting home and having some cereal for breakfast, Jeannie went out for a walk, while I stayed home to water the plants and do some reading out on the back patio.  The sun felt good and warm.  I drank a couple cups of coffee and really just enjoyed my time outside.  Later, after I gave myself a haircut and Jeannie came home, I ate lunch (left-over chicken pot pie; French vanilla yogurt; and an apple) and took a shower.  Then, we walked the couple blocks over to the Marian Anderson Recreation Center pool, which was such a good idea, because it was so relaxing.  There weren't too many people there, the water was cool and relaxing, and the sun still felt great.  Afterward, we came home and shortly after my friend Rodwin (an old friend from Gettysburg) came by for a visit.  He just spent the last few months in basic training and he leaves tomorrow morning on a cross-country drive to his assignment in Fort Lewis, Washington.  It was very good to see Rod and I felt honored that he would take time from his very tight schedule to come all the way into Philadelphia to see Jeannie and me.  It meant a whole lot and I was happy to see him.  After he left, Jeannie and I spent some quality time together before taking advantage of the beautiful evening to make some burgers on the grill, with a salad and French fries on the side.  Now, Jeannie's waiting for me at the couch so we can enjoy some relaxation as we wind down the weekend.  All in all, it was a very good one.  And for that, I'm very thankful to God.

Several reflections on society

I think all the media and events sympathetic to Trayvon Martin are ridiculous.  Trayvon Martin was bashing George Zimmerman's head into a sidewalk.  George Zimmerman was justified in defending his life.  There was likely poor decision-making on the part of both men, but George Zimmerman did nothing unlawful at any point, either before, during, or after.  And if poor decision-making is a punishable crime, then we're all guilty.

I think it's terrible that the United States has militarized the border with Mexico.  Open the border.  The whole point of the NAFTA was free trade (obviously, since that's part of the acronym).  If the U.S. is in favor of free trade and commerce, then it should be in favor of the free movement of labor.  Labor and capital are two sides of the same coin.  Policies must be consistent, or else they are simply hypocrisy.

I think it's a real shame that so many people of wealth and means are not religious.  Everything you are, everything you have is due to the grace of God.  To be ignorant of that is sinful pride and arrogance.  Failure to give thanks for the people and things in your life, and for life itself, is a sin.  I have little respect for people who think they are "the shit."  God shall humble you when the time is right, and your wealth will be exposed for its worthlessness.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper has been getting lots of publicity, largely negative, for getting caught on camera using the "n-----" word.  I condemned my friend Paul for using the word several years ago.  And I stand in my position that the word should never be used.  But returning to the theme of hypocrisy from above, I disrespect any person that uses the "n-----" word, including persons of African descent and/or dark skin color.  Quit using the word; depending on your appearance you either sound like a racist or an ignorant, uneducated fool.  If the United States is going to be the greatest country in the world, it must act like it; being or looking like a racist or ignorant, uneducated fool demonstrates the opposite of being great.

And speaking of judging others, up until I created a big hullabaloo a few months ago by speaking truth at a weekly unit meeting, my supervisor would frequently use the word "asshole" to describe men, and only men, opposing parties in cases where we considered whether to provide attorney representation to our clients (who, in these particular cases, were women).  I have no tolerance for any kind of racism, sexism, or bias rooted in immutable characteristics.  Quit name-calling others, you sound like an insolent adolescent.  Again, if we're going to be a great nation, each and every one of us must hold ourselves to high standards of conduct, not just for ourselves as individuals, but also as mindful of the example we set for others, especially the young.  Regularly calling any class or category of people an "asshole" or some other offensive word is the opposite of great; it's a base reflection of the reality television culture we live in, where people are implicitly encouraged to speak and act impulsively, often at the expense of other people's dignity.

A Day to Remember

Two significant things happened today.  Both are mile-markers as I approach the coming crossroads in my life.  One was good and one not-so-good.

I'll start with the shitty one.  While delivering a reviewed CASAC case into the mail room, I saw Anita by the mail machine.  As I walked in, I said, "hi Anita!"  She said hi and asked me if I was busy.  I told her that I wasn't, so she followed me into my office and closed the door.  She asked me if I had access to the PLA intranet site; I said no.  She then told me that she had heard from Sue my position that there may be gender bias in the unit, both among the co-workers in the unit and how we assess clients' cases.  I said yes, that's right.  So she told me that she would send to me the link the intranet site, along with the PLA harassment policy.  She said that I could make a report to her or to the chair of the board of directors.  I responded by saying thanks and that I would read it.  And she stood up and walked out of the office.

As soon as she walked out, I thought to myself, "really?  That's it?"  And, in fact, I don't remember the last time that Anita took any personal interest in me whatsoever.  I don't remember the last conversation with her that consisted of more than courteous banter to fill the air and pass the time in the elevator or in the kitchen or something along those lines.  Where's the interest in your employees?  As the leader of an organization that's only about 40 people, how hard is it to show some direct, genuine interest every once in a while?  And how about especially when an employee is dissatisfied, as I have been?  That's not how you run a quality organization, one where your employees are energized to work for you, while also sincerely respecting you due to your consistency, discipline, example, and leadership.  When you think of the great coaches, Vince Lombardi or Pat Summit or Phil Jackson, they're tough, but they show care for their players.  That quite simply lacks at PLA.  Today's sub-par episode in management is just one more strike on the (still only mental) list of grievances.  I ask myself: if that's the leadership, then what does that say about the organization?  Any sane man will jump off a sinking ship.

Before I get too frustrated and disappointed, let me move on to the good news, which is worthy of a new paragraph:
 
Jeannie told me that she's pregnant!  I got home from work around 7:00pm this evening.  We sat down on my bed and she asked me to finally read the card she got for me.  Along with the card was a little mailbox of sorts.  I opened it up and there was a pregnancy stick inside.  I looked at it closely -- not fully comprehending what I was looking at I don't think -- and saw two lines, indicating "pregnant."  I looked at Jeannie, probably in astonishment, and then I kissed her.  We talked about it for a while and I told her that I was very happy to be with her and whatever happens we'll be together and go through it together.  I told her that I have faith in God, so we'll just take it as it comes and go from there.  Obviously this is something I could write about on and on, but I won't do that, mainly because Jeannie is upstairs waiting for me now, but also because I need more time to let it sink in.  I guess you can say that today was a momentous day!  I will say that I feel happy.  As always, I pray for God to guide me (and us).

I love big boobs

Today I have no agenda of what to write.  As I'm typing this I'm waiting for a large pizza to be delivered from Gusto, so I'll just type from the top of my head until that gets here.

Before I finished typing the first sentence of this paragraph (which I just deleted), the pizza got here.  So I ate and now I'm back.

Right now the MLS All-Star Game is on.  It's the MLS All-Stars vs. AS Roma, who's up 1-0 in about the 40th minute.  This year I've gotten much more into watching soccer (futbol).  Once the college basketball season ended, and especially once the NBA season was over, I really started watching lots of soccer: MLS games, CONCACAF Gold Cup games, and probably a couple Liga MX games.  Although there's not always a lot of scoring, I like that the ball is constantly in motion.  That's why I prefer soccer to baseball.  It's also why I predict that by the year 2020 the MLS will be just as popular as MLB.  My reasoning?  In this fast-paced, ADHD, short-attention-span culture, people will become more and more bored by the slow pace of baseball.  I believe that eventually MLS will be America's summer sport, not MLB.

On the topic of constant motion, I need to start doing cardio.  If I'm lucky I get to the gym about twice per week and I only lift weights.  Recently, perhaps due to diet, perhaps due to a largely sedentary lifestyle, perhaps due to age, or perhaps due to a lack of cardio in my diet, I've noticed that I've gained a few pounds.  How did I notice?  The waistline of my dress pants has been a little tight lately.  An idea came to mind the other day: I'd like to do interval sprints with Jeannie.  My idea is to go to a nearby city block where there's a baseball field and a recreation center, then do a 2x4 relay, that is 2 people (Jeannie and I, of course) for 4 laps each (thus, 8 laps total) around the city block.  I haven't proposed the idea to Jeannie yet.  She flies in to PHL tonight at 12:13am after spending a week with her biological mother in Houston.  I'll share my idea with her and see if she's up for it.

So I'm happy that Jeannie will be home.  She's a really sweet girl with a great heart.  She's also very patient with me, which is something I know is necessary in a partner for me.  We get along pretty well and have a lot of similar interests, especially traveling.  And at the risk of sounding too much like a guy, I love that she has big breasts.  I don't think I've ever admitted it out loud to any one, but for as long as I can remember, I always wanted a girlfriend with big breasts.  I would periodically have arguments in my head, where I felt guilty for thinking that I was being too superficial or objectifying, but then I would think to myself that I love big breasts and I want to be with a girl with big breasts.  Most importantly, though, I wondered when I was with other girls (either previous girlfriends or girls I was dating) if I was "settling" for a girl who was nice or attractive, but whether I would always long for or wonder what it would be like to be with a girl with big breasts.  And I think it was that fear of possible regret or even the temptation of cheating (just to feel what it would be like to touch, kiss, suck, and grab big breasts) that would often win out in those internal arguments.  I've always noticed girls with big breasts in public and they're the girls I'm attracted to.  It's been a blessing being with Jeannie.  As I said, she's a quality girl in so many ways and besides that I truly think she's a good fit for me, precisely because she's so caring, so loving, and so patient with me.  Those are the things that matter most, so I know I'm with a good girl.  But the fact that she has DD-cup breasts really seals the deal for me.  I don't care how that sounds, because I admit that, for me at least, it is a fact.  And all these things are what led me to ask Father Ed this past Saturday about what I need to think about and prepare to get married to Jeannie, hopefully some day not too far in the future, God willing.

Sub-par day

I didn't get into work until 10:45am today.  Although I was woken up two or three times last night (I've had the bedroom window and sliding glass door open since Jeannie went away, due to the nice weather), I'm not going to lean on that as an excuse.  If I had a job that excited me and energized me, I might have been a little bit late, but certainly not as late as 10:45am.  In that situation, I wouldn't mind being a little tired, as long as I was at a job that I like.  But even all that isn't an excuse.  I know I need to hold myself to a higher standard and drag my ass into work at a normal hour, whatever it takes.

In spite of the late start, though, I had a pretty productive day.  I caught up on most of my phone calls and I filed a motion for reconsideration on behalf of one of my really difficult clients, P.D.

I would want to write more now, but it's getting late, I still need to clean up in the kitchen, and I have two hearings listed for 9:00am tomorrow.  So let me get going and get ready for bed.  Buenas noches.

Good day today

I'll keep this short, since it's getting late.  Highlights of the day:

1) Helping a humble man, client M.D., by going with him to personally file a motion for special relief at the clerk of family court this afternoon.  We had a nice conversation about God, church, and his relationship with his son, whose mother had denied him access for the past two weeks.  Mr. D. needed our help now, since the name on the caption was his Muslim name, while he now uses his birth name again.  Taking a nice, easy stroll on such a beautiful day, and for such a good cause for a good man, was a great feeling.

2) Having a good, long conversation just now with Mita.  We talked about my relationship with Jeannie and I also told her a lot about my conversation with Father Ed.  I don't often get to talk with Mita like that, but I'm very happy when I do.

3) Oh, and I had a pretty good work-out at the gym earlier this evening: dumbbell incline bench press; dumbbell triceps kick-backs; dumbbell bicep curl and press; and barbell bench press.  As you can see, it was very focused on chest, bi's, and tri's.  Good stuff.  When I got home, I even did a final set of push-ups.

Now, hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight...

Rainy Sunday

Today was a good day.  I began the day by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo.  The message today was the power of prayer.  The Old Testament reading was Abraham asking God to spare the city of Sodom, if there were 50, then 45, then 40, then 30, then 20, then 10 innocent people there, so as not to punish the innocent for the sins of the guilty.  The New Testament reading was the story of the apostles, after seeing Jesus pray in the garden, asking him how to pray and Jesus teaching them how to pray the Lord's Prayer.  I hope to keep in mind the power of prayer, and to use it.  When I left church, I shook hands with Father Ed as usual and I wished him a good week on retreat in Virginia.  I told him that I would pray for him; he responded that he would pray for me too.

I spent some time out on the patio, drinking coffee and reading Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs.  And I spent some time cleaning up the apartment, because I thought Paul might come to visit (he never came through).

Later in the afternoon, I watched USA defeat Panama, 1-0, in the final match of the CONCACAF Gold Cup 2013.  It was a good match.  The first half was pretty even, due largely to the defense on each side.  The second half opened up for the U.S., though, as they clearly had the edge in possession, but just couldn't connect for a while, until Shea came in and tapped in a shot by Landon Donovan for the first, the only, and the winning goal of the match.

Not long after the game, I fell asleep on the couch, after trying to do some more reading.  I didn't sleep very well last night, so it finally caught up to me.  It felt good to take a nap.  There was a lot of heavy rain this afternoon, so it just seemed appropriate to take a nap on the couch.  I'm really thankful for that.

I'm starting to miss Jeannie.  Generally I'm a pretty independent and solitary person, so I've been pretty content to spend time with Rocky and the Baby.  But finally today I'm starting to miss Jeannie's company.  She's a really sweet girl and I'm so happy that she's my girlfriend.  Her not being here is the main reason I would say that today was a good but not a great day.  I'll pick her up from PHL this Wednesday night, but I probably won't be able to truly catch up with her until Thursday after work.  So until then, I'll just try to keep busy, keep my head up, and keep enjoying my time with Rocky and the Baby!

First chat with Father Ed

Life will continue!  May faith carry me forward.  May my experiences be a source of confidence in lessons learned and victories earned, rather than a weight holding me down.  May love be my guiding light, God lead me ahead and those around me either walk with me or step aside.  May I serve others and by doing so fulfill my mission.

Earlier this afternoon, from about 12:30pm to nearly 2:30pm, I sat at a kitchen table in the rectory of St. Charles Borromeo, chatting with Father Ed.  I told him that I was there first to thank him.  I said that in the five months or so that Jeannie and I have been going to church almost every Sunday, I've felt welcomed and very thankful to have St. Charles Borremeo in my life.  I told Father Ed that my second reason for being there was to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better.  My third reason for seeing him gave us a framework to meet that second purpose, the third reason being that I feel myself approaching a crossroads, both professionally and personally, and I hope to go the right way, if that can be said.  So, with that, we talked for a while about his career as a priest in the Roman Catholic Church and how he has gone from one place to another over the course of 36 years as a priest (he said he was ordained as a priest in March (I believe) 1977).  I shared with him the timeline of my life to this point, through childhood and now adulthood, and how I have not usually stayed longer than a handful of years in any one place, so I'm aware that there's very likely a certain inner or subconscious temporal expectation that it will soon be time to move on.

I also told Father Ed that I want to marry Jeannie, so I wanted to know more about marriage in the Church, but also the practical steps that we'd need to take to get there.  His explanations to me were very clear and easy-to-understand.  I told him that I respected and appreciated his lessons, as someone who often must explain complex legal concepts to low-income Philadelphians.  I told him that, if it were up to me, we'd have a simple ceremony as part of a regular mass at St. Charles Borromeo, nothing too fancy or overblown.  I told him that my style and personality is generally humble, so I didn't want to buy into the pomp of the "typical" American wedding.  As an example, I told him that, unlike at least one of the other attorneys with whom I work, I don't need photos of myself throughout the office (or, quite frankly, on facebook) and, in fact, I didn't hang my framed law degrees on my office wall, until finally goaded by co-workers and convinced by my mother that clients would want a sense of confidence instilled by seeing my credentials displayed.  Father Ed said that he never hung his religious degrees either; so I was happy to have something in common with him, something he could relate with me.

The main preparation for marriage is that Jeannie and I must be confirmed, likely in the spring by the bishop at the main cathedral.  Then, both before and after, Jeannie and I can meet with Father Ed to talk about marriage in the Catholic faith, as a means to assure that we're both understanding of the commitment, since it is a sacrament of the Church.  Since Jeannie is away in Houston right now, visiting her biological mother, I'll have to talk with her about this when she's back.

It felt good to sit down and talk with someone.  It felt nice to have a regular conversation, without pretense and also not over any kind of alcoholic drink.  It also felt nice to be on the receiving end of advice, since as a lawyer I'm on the side of the desk that is giving advice.  Even with that distinction, though, it felt to me like an authentic conversation between two men, something that I've missed very much in my life and, if I'm honest with myself, something that has very likely been a part of the dissatisfaction I've been feeling in my life for the past year or two, certainly since the death of Wagner, which seemed to create distance between my Philadelphia friends and me (perhaps out of protective distrust of others?), whereas one would believe that it would have brought us closer together.

At the end, I noticed that the time was getting late and Father Ed had to get ready for the 4:00 p.m. mass, so I thanked him for seeing me, I offered to help him around the rectory grounds any time he needs me, and said that I hoped we can continue the conversation another time soon.  Walking the block and a half home, I felt as satisfied and calm/relieved as I have in a long while.  Before I left, I asked Father Ed to pray for me; he said he would do so during his retreat this coming Monday through Friday in the hills of Virginia.  I hope that God leads me to where I belong.  I really look forward to it.

Keep Calm and Have Faith

I've been listening to a lot of Steely Dan lately.  I like the smoothness of the music, the smartness of the lyrics, and the vague nostalgic feeling that I get when I listen to it.  I've needed the calming effect a lot these days, and I'm grateful for that.

Earlier today, despite the warm, sunny skies, the power at the office cut out about 8 times in the course of half an hour, starting around 11am.  Later, the phones even cut out for a while.  I hung around until about 1:30pm, when we were allowed to go home.  The phones were back, but our connection to the network and to the internet was still down, effectively making it impossible to work, since our case management software is internet-based and we need access to the network in order to open our saved documents.  I was told that, for some unknown reason, there were rolling brown-outs on our block of Chestnut Street.

It felt so good to walk home that time of day.  As I've written about the past couple days (and as I've been thinking about and feeling for at least the past couple months), I feel oppressed, uncomfortable, anxious or all of the above when I'm at work.  Like a dark cloud lifting off my shoulders, leaving work and going home is a transition from bad to good.  To be able to do it much earlier than expected today made it even sweeter.  Something's got to change, that's all I'm gonna say on that topic right here, right now.

I want to be happy, I want to feel like I'm being useful, I want to serve others, I want to use my God-given gifts in a positive way, I want to feel accepted by others, I want to feel comfortable where I work and with the people who work with me, I want to be respected, I want to feel good about myself and the work I do, I want the courage and faith to make a positive change in my life, I want to do God's will, and I pray for God's grace to hear, and hopefully answer, my prayers.

Speaking of faith and God, during the break at work earlier, I called Father Ed on his cell phone and left a voicemail for him, asking to see him some time tomorrow late morning or early afternoon to chat.  My goals in seeing him are just to thank him for making me feel welcome at St. Charles Borromeo, get to know him a little better and have him get to know me a little bit better, and I also think I may mention how I am feeling like I'm very likely approaching a crossroads in my life -- professionally as I've mentioned and also personally as I hope to move forward in my relationship with Jeannie -- and how I would welcome his thoughts or advice on either or both.  I know he left a voicemail for me a little while ago, so I think I'll check that now.

Got some things off my chest

This afternoon, some time around 5:30pm give or take, Sue came into my office and asked me something along the lines of "how have you been?" or "how's it going?"  I told her the truth, I said that I was unhappy.  We talked for at least an hour, if not closer to an hour and a half, since it was nearly 7pm when we finished talking and she left my office.

I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest.  But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego.  In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation.  Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer.  So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue.  In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.

During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation.  First, the anecdote.  I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game.  I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.

Second, the analogy.  I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit.  I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone.  Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together.  I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.

During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself.  I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual.  I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed.  Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.

In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA.  Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA.  Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave.  I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.

Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other.  When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes.  Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.

If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it.  There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.

As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything.  I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave?  I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.

With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring.  In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.

A Return to Writing

I miss writing.  So I'm happy to be back on here.  I'm hoping I can keep up with it.  I have so much to work through, particularly as my career is concerned, that I know that I need to write.  I can feel it in my bones.  It's like the feeling one gets after being sedentary for a good while, when the body finally tells the mind that it's time to get up and start moving around, get the blood flowing, feel alive again.  This is the same kind of thing, but it some ways it goes deeper than that.  It raises one of the big questions: what am I going to do with my life?  Not to say that I ought to dramatize it or make it more than it is.  But these intimations seem to be telling me: the times, they are a-changin'.

To finally verbalize these intimations, I must admit that I haven't been happy with my life at work.  There's a gender bias at PLA, both in assessing cases and also among the co-workers in my unit.  I believe that most of the time it's likely subconscious, or in other words, not intentional.  But my primary contention is that, after pointing it out, I've felt something like an outcast.  I ask myself if I've brought it on myself.  That's very likely, to a substantial degree.  But I also undoubtedly feel like the same undertones and cultural tenor continue.  And that tone is set, as it usually is anywhere else, at the top, here by our supervising attorney.  In fact, just the day before yesterday, at our weekly unit meeting this past Monday, one of the paralegals, a woman, asked our supervisor if our supervisor's assessment of a particular wasn't "sexist."  I'm tired of the emotionally draining environment.  Like a bad relationship -- one in which I feel bad to be who I am, one in which I am no longer growing, one in which I'm not even acknowledged for anything positive, but only criticized in the infrequent opportunities when I can be -- I believe it's time to cut the cord and move on.  My own mental and emotional health depends on it.  Due to the wholeness of life, Jeannie and those others in my life also deserve for me to be at least generally happy.  And due to the shortness of life, why stay in something that doesn't serve a positive purpose?

This externally imposed period of self-reflection leads me to ask even bigger questions, such as: should I even remain in the practice of law?  My outstanding student loans would suggest that I should.  The dreamer in me would suggest maybe not, maybe now is the time to do something else.  I also wonder: should I even remain in Philadelphia?  Again, the practical me would say yes.  But the dreamer in me would say, there's a whole world out there.  And I'm with a girl who would be with me no matter where we go.  For that, and for the blessing to be in the enviable position of having this first-world freedom, I'm very thankful.  I thank God and I pray that God guide me where I need to be.

Saw comedian Kathleen Madigan on her "Gone Madigan" tour at the Xanadu Theatre, Trump Taj Mahal, Atlantic City with Jeannie.

Saw Los Amigos Invisibles at World Café Live for $18.00 with Jeannie, Mita and Eric, and Javi.

Saw Temple vs. Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) at the Liacouras Center, section 119, row T, seat 13, for $18.00 with Jeannie.

Saw Silver Linings Playbook at Riverview 17 for $11.50 with Jeannie.