Summer law students' last day

Today was the last official day for the summer law students.  For that reason there was a luncheon in the 5th floor conference room at 12:30pm.  After Anita said some words of thanks, she opened it up to whoever wanted to individually thank their law students.  Ben jumped right in to thank the work of his two students in the food stamp clinic.

After a pause, in which I deliberately thought to myself that I must speak, I did indeed give a short speech.  I said that I was proud of the four students under my supervision and the work they did this summer.  I said that it called to mind Mahatma Gandhi's statement that we must be the change we wish to see in the world, since I saw the change that took place this summer.  I said that I saw the external change that the students made by helping their clients.  I said how, just this morning, I was closing lots of casefiles and nearly every case was closed as a "limited action" (as opposed to "advice only") case, meaning that the student wrote a complaint for custody or complaint for support or a letter to the Court that wouldn't have been done for the client if it wasn't for us, if it wasn't for the law students.  I said that I also saw the internal change within the students, in their growth from day one until today, how they learned so much in the past ten (10) weeks and I hope I had something to do with that.  Finally, I said that I was proud of the work that the students did and I was happy for them.

Let me say that what I've written here is a pretty faithful paraphrase of what I said, but it reads much better here than how I delivered it.  Thus, I stand by the substance, but I felt somewhat embarrassed at the presentation.  The reason I say this is that I felt hesitant and a bit nervous in front of everyone.  This is nothing new when it comes to speaking in front of others about my own personal feelings, but I also know that my vibe standing before so many of my co-workers was effected by the negativity and dissatisfaction that I've been feeling at work for at least the past couple months.  If I had stood in front of a group of co-workers that I genuinely felt were my friends, people who cared for me and around whom I could feel comfortable and be myself, then the substance of my speech today would have been more natural, more confidently delivered.  Instead, it was a tentative, though sincere, sharing of my thoughts.  Bottom line: I can't stand where I work.  I want to feel passionate and motivated, while also supported and loved.  That ain't happenin' where I'm at -- a de facto women's rights, Penn Law lawyers-preferred, Haverford paralegals-preferred -- a public interest law firm that is becoming organizationally old and static and in which powered is essentially concentrated in the hands of just three people or so.  I'm tired of it, in a very real and literal way.  And I'm sure they're tired of me -- I'm not a woman, I'm not Penn Law or Haverford educated, and I don't kiss anyone's ass, ever.