Conflicts

It's amazing that there continues to be conflict all over the world.  It was like that when I was a little kid.  It's like that now.  Why should we believe that it's ever going to be any different?  Why is there conflict at all?  One answer is that we have free will.  Another is that, for all our similarities, we want to feel unique, so we play up our differences: nationalities, political parties, religions, skin color, et cetera.  By following our own human nature and playing up our differences, rivalries and tensions develop.  An 'us-versus-them' mentality develops.  So that's another answer to why there is perpetual conflict throughout the world.  Another answer is man's tendency toward sin and temptation: especially in the form of power (pride); this stems from man's natural insecurity, both materially as an animal that strives to survive at all costs, and emotionally as beings that compensate for internal insecurity by manifesting external power.

Another issue is that no relationship, nor anything at all for that matter, is static.  The universe is dynamic.  Your body and every person's body is dynamic.  People change and thus that makes the relationship between and among people dynamic.  I can think of easy examples in my own life right off the top of my head.  In fact, it's a theme that's been on my mind a lot lately.  I perceive that my relationship with my cousin Carlos isn't what it used to be or what it could be.  When I write a short note or message to him, his responses are either stock and pithy (the latest one was simply "gracias primo") or he simply uses an emoticon (usually a 'thumbs-up' icon) to acknowledge my note without having to engage in any substantive dialogue.  Assuming my perception is really accurate, I have no idea what's going on.  Is he jealous because I got married? and/or because I've become a father?  Did I slight him in some way the last time I was in Costa Rica?  I have no clue.  I suppose I can ask him what's going on.  That would be the mature, logical thing to do.  I think I may be afraid of the answer.  But then again, the cold hard truth should always be preferable to living under a hazy assumption, shouldn't it?

Next I think of my relationship with my friend Paul.  I still consider him to be my friend, though we're not as close as we used to be.  If you look back at previous posts here, around the 2008 time frame, Paul is a major player.  We spent a lot of time together.  We traveled together, to Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, to his parents' home in Tampa, Florida, and even to Costa Rica back in the day.  I had a close relationship in those days, the late 1990s through the entire decade of the 2000s.  I kept my mouth shut on certain things that concerned me, because I enjoyed my time with him.  We had fun together.  In a very real way, at a time when we were young adults, flexing our wings (if that's even a proper saying) and coming into our own, we were each other's family -- at a time when we needed to prove our individuality separate and apart from our own respective families.  But as time passed, and perhaps when I became more comfortable in my adulthood, or perhaps wasn't having as much fun spending time and traveling with him, or perhaps when I had met other friends and thus didn't feel like I needed or depended upon my friendship with him -- whatever the case was -- I felt that I needed to communicate with him my concerns about his beliefs as expressed in words: using the word "nigger" to pejoratively describe a dark-skinned American of African descent, then a couple years later using the word "dyke" to describe a female mayor of some northern New Jersey city, either Hoboken or Jersey City.  After each separate incident, I wrote a letter by hand and sent it to him, expressing my disapproval.  Was this the right approach?  I thought so.  I still think so.  But maybe not.  Should I have talked with him face-to-face?  My main takeaway, as I write this now, is that I shouldn't invest too much time in a friend with such negative, prejudiced, and outdated beliefs.  In short: surround yourself with good people.  But then I ask myself, who am I to judge him?  Be soft on the sinner, but not on the sin!  Did I practically give up a friendship for the foolish objective of proving a principle?

This tug of war between philosophical poles happens quite frequently in my head.  I think part of it is the guilt -- justified or not -- at having effectively ended a friendship.  I think the other part is a realization that life is not guaranteed to remain static, things will change, and this logically leads to a realization, whether explicit or implicit, that life will eventually end: after all these changes and changes, death shall come.

I've written previously that a break-up from a girlfriend is very analogous to these existential realizations.  The relationship died.  It's as if the ex-girlfriend is dead, although we know damn well that she's alive somewhere, probably with some other guy already.  A break-up is a foreboding of death.  It's a terrible feeling...to be reminded of one's own mortality.  And yet we're reminded of it all the time, whether looking outwardly at all the conflict in the world, the people, the children!, being killed in war, or whether looking inwardly to our own failed relationships.  What's the answer?  I can't say I know, other than to keep on living, find something to believe in, put one's gifts and talents to the best use possible to be productive and self-fulfilling, and be with (or be open to be with) someone you love and who loves you.

Cycling in the Heat, and Thoughts of a Summer Past

I took a bike ride this morning.  I left at 11:10am and returned at 11:46am, making it a 36-minute ride.  Most of my ride was along the Schuylkill River Trail.  After just checking Google maps, I estimate the ride to be about 10 miles.  During the time that I rode, the air temperature was at or near 90 degrees and the dewpoint was high, around 72 degrees.  By the time I got back home I was sweating like a racehorse.  But it felt good, really good.

As I wrote recently, I feel like my holistic health is greatly improving: physical, mental, spiritual.  There are two main components to it: 1) more time: to be with my wife and daughter, to lift weights and take bike rides, and to read, among other things; and 2) being away from the office.  I had lunch with my good friend Madhu yesterday.  One of the first things he said to me, when we sat down to eat at Sansom Kabob House, was that I looked better than I have in a while (or something to that effect).  I told him that I feel better than I have in a while, and I shared very briefly why.  It's good to know that, in such a relatively short time, I've been able to feel better and move in a positive direction.  It's what I was very much hoping for, and I thank God so much for this and all blessings.

Meanwhile, as a note on a related element, I've put a bit more effort in the past couple days to do more reading.  After a couple sessions, I'm now 200 pages into the 348-page (this edition, at least) Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez.  It would take a pretty big push, but I would love to finish the book by the end of this coming weekend.

I have intentions -- and already the first book in line -- to change the direction of my reading.  Immediately before the birth of Seva, I figured that I would only have the time and mental capacity to read fiction -- something that could be read in short spurts and would be a welcome escape from the rigors of early parenthood.  Now on the third book of the three books I bought just before Seva's birth, I'm ready to read topics of more substance, non-fiction, and related to my field of work and the skills necessary to excel in it.  I won't share the title of the book that's currently in the batter's box (since I haven't begun it yet), but I'll say that I'm looking forward to reading it, thus giving me added incentive to finish Love in the Time of Cholera as soon as possible.

Anyway, as I'm writing this, the sky is a weird color -- the sun is setting in the west but the sky is covered in low clouds as rain is coming down fairly steady.  I just stepped outside on to the back patio to check on the kittens (as I'd recently mentioned in a post here).  Earlier this afternoon I checked on them due to the strong heat.  I saw three kittens huddled together in a matted clearing, then their mother cat came from my right, hissing at me -- more as a warning than out of any viciousness -- while slightly to the left of the huddle of kittens came another two crawling underneath the wooden fence separating our property from the neighbor's yard behind us.  In total, there are five kittens: two mostly gray with black stripes, two with white patches and patches of gray/black, and one totally black.  It was really cute to see.  But as I just checked them now, all five are sort of huddled near each other, completely soaked and still getting pummeled with raindrops, while their mother cat is nowhere to be seen.  I hope the kittens make it through this rainstorm.  I wish there was something I could do right now, but I don't think there is.  Since they don't realize it at all, Rocky and the Baby should be thankful to be indoors, where it's safe, warm, and dry.

Now, on to a totally separate topic, for some reason today I thought about the last "girlfriend" I had before meeting my wife.  I put the word girlfriend in quotes because I can't say that I consider all past relationships as being at the girlfriend level.  I don't know of any further classifications in the English language that allow for further distinction.  I consider that I had three relationships with girlfriends, as I define that term, before I met and began my relationship with my wife.  My relationship with Adaliz was a relatively short, 4-month relationship between my relationships with my last girlfriend and with my wife; although our relationship was sincere while it lasted, I don't consider it a relationship that rose to the level of girlfriend, mainly due to the length of the relationship.  Adaliz was (really, is, but I'll speak in the past tense since the relationship is over) a beautiful girl.  She had long straight dark brown hair, light brown eyes, and beautiful naturally tan Latina skin, being of half Salvadoran and half Venezuelan descent.  Strangely (or perhaps not so, as assimilation and acculturation go), she spoke very, very little Spanish.  She was very much into poetry and, somewhat on a broader scale, into art.  In fact, one of my favorite memories with her was a date to the Modern Museum of Art in New York City.  As I said, she was a visually and aesthetically beautiful girl.  As with so many relationships, especially from the man's perspective, it was Adaliz's physical beauty that really drew me to her.  I also loved her name, something about it made me desire her even more.  Our relationship began just fine.  We met at my friend Paul's wedding in Key West, Florida.  At the reception, I found myself looking for, and then at, her quite frequently.  Near the end of the reception, I knew that I had to say or do something, so I took the opportunity when she passed by me to say, "Are you going out [after the reception]?  I hope to see you out there."  I ended up seeing her shortly after, at a bar where nearly everyone went after the reception.  I approached her when she was at the bar ordering a drink and I started a conversation; things started from there and we ended spending the rest of the night together, until I finally went back to my hotel room around 3am.  During that time, she and I left everyone behind and went bar-hopping, during which time we talked and got to know one another.  When ended the night on the roof of her hotel, overlooking the main drag in Key West, kissing and talking still with one another.  I finally pulled myself away to go back to my hotel room, as I already mentioned.  After that weekend, we kept in touch and followed through on plans to see each other.  She lived in Hoboken, New Jersey, while I lived in Philadelphia of course.  So, it was a long-distance relationship, something I vowed to never do again after the lesson I learned from the end of my relationship with Cherise.  But due to my attraction to her, I was willing to overlook that at the beginning.  The distance also helped to slow things down, or at least keep things from getting too passionate, which was a good thing.  Looking back on it now, although I wouldn't have needed the time to reach this conclusion, it was a relationship characterized largely by sexual passion.  I believe that we both cared about each other, for sure, but the reality was that our time together was less about what we saw or what we talked about than what we did together.  It was a perfect cure -- for what it was worth -- from the esteem hangover that I was feeling from the miserable end to my relationship with Ileana.  It really was, as I smile even now typing this.  Sounds good, right?  Well, as time went on, there were two issues that emerged, oddly and ironically both tied to lessons learned from previous girlfriends.  First, I got tired of the distance, which I mentioned already was a main lesson from my relationship with Cherise.  Second, I began to notice that Adaliz had a hot side, no surprise after having experienced and felt her passion in bed, but the prospect of a relationship with another young, hot-tempered, or less-than-even-keeled Latina was the last thing I needed after the misery and heartache I suffered at the hands of Ileana.  I began questioning to myself the relationship with Adaliz and about two weeks before I ultimately ended it, I asked Adaliz for some time to think things over.  That totally infuriated her, which further supported my second concern above, thus paradoxically driving me to call the end of the relationship almost right away after her reaction.  What she may not have realized fully was that the emotional scars from my last relationship were still very fresh, and with my self-esteem already in a much healthier spot (due to Adaliz herself), I knew that I deserved much better, or at least different, than an immature temper.  I have no qualms now with the decision I made to end the relationship with Adaliz.  As fate would have it, I met my wife only the very next weekend after I ended it with Adaliz -- which any onlooker would say was a rebound, but I'm now married, happily so, and we have a beautiful daughter.  If there's anything I'll always remember and cherish from my relationship with Adaliz, it was the passion, something that cannot be invented or feigned, and something which in its own right is a blessed experience from God.  I believe that firmly with full faith.  That's why, despite the brevity of the relationship, and any observer's writing it off as simply a rebound relationship, it was worth much more than that.  I can say that because I was the one who lived it and I am the one who remembers it and cherishes it now.

Work and gym today, Florida in late October?

Jeannie and I worked out together at the gym at the YMCA tonight.  We did the following exercises: dumbbell squats; lat pull-downs; leg extensions; seated cable rows; and a quick set of lunges.  I haven't worked out legs in over a month, so I won't be surprised if I'm feeling it tomorrow.

We're hoping to plan a trip to visit my dad in Naples, Florida some time within the next couple months.  I sent an email to my dad just the other day asking if he's free for the first two weeks of October.  He replied to say that his sister (my aunt Judith) will be there from October 1st to the 12th.  So that blows that idea.  Then, my friend Corey is getting married on Saturday the 19th and Jeannie's family friend Cindy is getting married on Saturday the 26th.  I just wrote an email to my dad a few minutes ago to say that I guess we'll have to look at going to visit him at the very end of October into the beginning of November.  I'll look for his reply tomorrow.  If that's when we decide to go, I hope that the water temperature in the Gulf of Mexico isn't too cool yet.

Work wasn't so bad today.  I caught up with all my review of the law students' legal writing and case notes.  I caught up with most, though certainly not all, of my list of phone calls.  And, as the highlights of my day, Deeya came to ask me for case strategy this morning, Jesse came in the late afternoon to ask me for a critique of how she handled a case and also to ask for case strategy, and Lizzy, one of the paralegals, thanked me very kindly for sending a template of a motion to vacate an acknowledgment of paternity.  As I wrote just yesterday, I'm happiest when I feel like I can truly help others.  So in that context today was a pretty good day.  And for that I am thankful.

Email to Pito

Hey, I hope you had a nice Memorial Day weekend. I enjoyed a long weekend down along the Gulf Coast: flew in to Tampa, drove up the coast and across the panhandle to Panama City Beach, drove back to Tampa to party and hit the beach at Clearwater. I'm glad to hear that you quit cold turkey, keep it up!