Man, how difficult it seems to be happy, genuinely happy! I feel so weary of this life that I'm living. The biggest weight around my neck is my relationship with my coworkers. I need to figure out if there is anything that I can be doing better or differently without, of course, sacrificing my morals or principles. The problem is that I have a supervisor whose skills as a lawyer are sub-par, due primarily to her tendency to over-identify with our women clients, while demonizing men in general, particularly the opposing parties. Additionally, she also makes assumptions all the time, something which should be a no-no for any lawyer, yet she is the supervising attorney. Oftentimes her assumptions play into her pro-woman, anti-man bias. As with any team or organization, it's only as good as its leadership. The second lawyer in seniority is very self-promotional, a quality which I generally dislike. A cult of personality has grown around her and she seems to encourage it by speaking highly of herself, posting photos of herself throughout the office, and purposely sitting at the head of the table at weekly unit meetings. I'm third in seniority. The next lawyer in seniority has stated point-blank that she will only date black men. This policy has challenged me internally since I found out about it. On one hand, I understand that every person has the right to have their own preferences for who they date. But if another woman stated that she only dates men who earn more than a million dollars per year, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being materialistic? Or if another woman stated that she only dates men with a huge penis, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for objectifying men? When we bring up issues of race, it naturally raises the question of racism. Is it racist for the fourth lawyer in seniority to state that she only dates black men? Is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being superficial? What's even more frustrating for me is that these lawyers (1, 2, and 4) are all kind women at heart. I know this, because I've seen it in how they treat others. They're not necessarily bad people, but there are things about them that I frankly do not like. But, as long as I'm analyzing this whole situation, I can easily wonder if there are things about me that they do not like. Perhaps that's what I need to find out. If I am to use this challenging period in my life for any kind of constructive purpose, then perhaps I need to be asking everyone what can I be doing differently? what can I be doing better? what do you dislike about my work as a lawyer? what do you dislike about my work as a supervisor of law students? what do you dislike about me as a coworker? what do you dislike about me as a person? Today's Gospel reading at St. Charles Borromeo was from St. Paul's letter to the Hebrews. I'm not sure the exact scripture citation, but after looking in my Bible here at home, I believe today's Gospel came from Hebrews 12. Here's a direct quotation from Hebrews 12:5-11, The Message:
"My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,
but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God."
I need to remind myself that every challenge in life must be a test from God. I've tried to keep my head up, be a good man, do my work to the best of my ability, and disregard any perceived judgment or dislike from others. But this three-day weekend that is now coming to an end was generally unhappy. I had troubles sleeping, as a result of all the negative feelings from work. As much as I try to put a positive spin on this whole thing, I can't help but feel crappy. This negativity from work is effecting my overall emotional well-being. What do I do? If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me. I pray to God to help me through this trial and lead me to where I need to be, even if it's somewhere other than where I am now.
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