Dear Ileana, I really miss you a lot.  I think you're an amazing young woman, both intelligent and beautiful.  You're a rare breed and I'm sure you know it.  I really miss our time together.  I thought we had a good thing, but I guess you don't agree.  And as attracted as I am to you, I guess you don't feel the same way about me.  I don't understand why you moved in with me.  I don't understand why you came back to me in January and February.  I don't understand why you promised to be exclusive.  I don't understand why you started dating me at all.  I don't think you ever loved me, not for one day, not even for one minute.  I don't even think you ever liked me.  So why did you start dating me?  Is it because you wanted to teach a lesson to Stefan: that he was making a mistake by leaving you for Brazil?  Do you think you were successful at teaching him that lesson?  Do you realize that you did it at the expense of a man's heart and over two years of a man's mortal life?  You used me as an instrument.  You used me.  Put yourself in my shoes, in my head, and in my heart.  How do you think I feel?  Despite all the hurt you've put me through, I still love you.  And that's the really hard thing to deal with right now.  You dragged me along, not realizing that my love for you kept getting deeper and deeper.  Its hard for me to imagine my life without you, yet that's exactly what's been forced on me.  I guess I should start thinking of moving on.  But each and every day is a struggle.  I think of you non-stop.  You're still in my heart.  But what choice do I have?  I just wish you had been honest with me all along, but most especially at the end.  I don't think you were.  In fact, I know you weren't, because your words and actions were so wildly inconsistent that something, some parts of that, had to have been a fraudulent act.  Why?  Love,

Dear Ileana, I had a missed call from you earlier today, just past 3:30pm.  I didn't realize the phone was ringing, and I'm glad I didn't realize it.  My theory is that you were probably deleting my number from your contacts, and you accidentally dialed me, then when you realized that you were calling me, you immediately hung up, then promptly deleted my number.  This is a pretty reasonable theory, considering you've cut me off in almost every other possible way.  Plus, I can't imagine why you'd actually want to call me at 3:30pm on a Saturday.  I'm guessing you already had plans tonight to hang out with some guy.  And how can I compete with any of these guys?  I'm not full-blooded Latino.  I'm not an artist.  I'm not a dj.  I'm not the lead singer in a rock band.  I don't have a Latino last name.  You don't have a crush on me.  I don't have groupies.  All I am is a guy who's dedicated his life to those who are less fortunate.  I've asked God, years ago, to use me and my skills to fight for the rights of those who don't have a voice.  Although I have the ability to make a lot of money, to this point I've forsaken that to serve those who are underprivileged.  I'm a humble man with considerable skill and the willingness to fight anyone.  But I get the feeling that, in your eyes, I'm a nobody, none of that means anything.  I'm not famous.  And you are a beautiful, intelligent Latina that deserves more than a man who fits my profile.  Isn't that right?  And so, earlier today, you were probably deleting my number, to psychologically move on from me, and to make room for your new love interest or crush, but you accidentally called me.  Oh well.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I just got done crying for a while.  My heart hurts so much.  You were like family to me, and I've lost you.  You were my best friend, and I've lost you.  When I envisioned my future, I saw you there with me, but it seems I've lost you.  I'm so sad.  I feel so hurt.  I think that, by this point, you've almost certainly kissed another guy or guys.  That hurts me deeply to think of that.  I think that it's even possible that you may have had sex with another guy or guys.  That thought kills me.  I still love you Ileana, so to think of you with anyone else hurts me and pierces me to my core.  Do you even know how I feel?  Do you not love me at all?  My life feels so empty without you.  I think of you every single day, yet you're not here.  This hurts so badly.  It doesn't seem fair.  Stefan left for Brazil and at some point in the few months he was there he found a girlfriend, who he brought back to Philly and he's still with, if I remember correctly.  That proves right there that his feelings for you were not true love.  And yet my instinct tells me that your feelings for him, even after all this time, are stronger than your feelings for me.  Yet I'm the one that cries for you, I haven't left you for anyone, my heart belongs to you, I've admitted my mistakes, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove my love to you.  But you turn your back to me and walk away from my true, sincere love.  Why?  You've never told me the real reason.  Why did you leave me?  I still love you Ileana and I will continue to love you, because love is not a switch to be turned on and off, and if its real, it will live on, despite any obstacles or challenges.  There is no force in the universe more powerful than love.  I love you Ileana for everything you are and I will, no matter what.  Love,

Dear Ileana, You broke my heart.  Why?  I went out tonight for Carmen's birthday.  There were other people from work there.  I got the impression at one point that you would've joined us, but you decided not to because I was there.  Was I so bad to you that you don't even want to see me?  I don't understand.  What did I do to you?  It really sucks.  There were at least two girls tonight that I'm sure liked me.  Why don't you like me?  If you had the chance, would you tell those two girls how bad and terrible I am?  Would you tell them all the reasons why they should pass me by for a dj or a rock band singer or an artist instead?  Do those titles make those guys better than me?  What makes me such a terrible guy in your eyes?  Why do you avoid me?  Why do you put up wall after wall between us?  I don't understand.  People like me, yet you don't.  I don't get it.  I've always wanted to be an intelligent, athletic, and kind person.  Have I failed?  Compared to all the other guys in Philadelphia or in the whole world, am I really that undesirable?  Why couldn't you be honest with me about your reason for leaving me?  You lied to me until the very end.  Why did you lie?  How could you lie to my face?  Did I not deserve the respect of honesty?  Was I that unworthy, to be dealt lies?  You make me feel like shit.  You make me feel like a bad person.  You make me feel like I'm lacking something.  You make me feel like less than a man.  You've destroyed my confidence.  You've bruised my ego.  You've killed my spirit.  Why have you done all these things to me?  Do I deserve all these things?  Please tell me the truth.  Love,

Dear Ileana, Before you walked out on me on Friday, March 2nd, you said that you wanted to be friends with me.  Why?  You had already de-friended me on facebook.  Some time the next week you blocked me on gmail chat.  I haven't heard from you at all since then.  Starting in at least June 2011, according to your own admission, you consistently hooked up with other guys at least every two months, all the way up until today.  So why did you want to be friends with me?  Before you moved in with me at 18th & Fitzwater, you wrote that you weren't thrilled to be with me.  And even in our last go-around in February of this year, you didn't even seem to like me, let alone love me.  So again, why did you want to be friends with me?  Do you want to be friends with me today, whenever it is that you're finally reading this?  Ileana, I don't understand how things got to this place.  Yes, I made mistakes, but I've always loved you.  Yes, in some ways, although I was undoubtedly attracted to you from the moment I met you, my love for you took time to take root and grow.  Although I too went through periods of self-doubt and insecurity in the relationship, when the going got tough, I was always committed to you and to our relationship.  I know that, in my own ways, I was also inconsistent at points of our relationship, and looking back, I'm sorry for the message that sent to you, but in the end, and throughout it all, I knew that I wanted no one but you.  So again, despite our troubles, how did we get to this point?  As I write this now, I miss you so much, and not because I'm lonely, but because I miss you, Ileana.  As I write this now, I want to be more than just friends with you.  Of course, the more time that goes by, the more it seems that you don't even want to be friends with me.  That hurts.  I hope my fears are wrong.  Love,

Dear Ileana, My hope for us is starting to fade.  I know how I feel and I love you.  But I just don't have a lot of faith that you love me.  Maybe I'm not giving you enough credit or maybe I'm just scared.  Or maybe you really don't love me.  I have no way, right now, of knowing for sure.  So I can only guess, and that means falling prey to the ups and downs of my daily hopes and fears.  I know that there are several things that I will never do in any relationship with any woman in the future, including and especially you, if I get that opportunity.  These are lessons learned from my relationship with you, and understanding that I did things that really harmed the relationship and that really hurt your feelings.  I'm still very sorry for these mistakes and I will continue to pray for your forgiveness.  I love you, Ileana, please believe me.  That's why I feel so badly that I gave in to impulses and immature reactions that sent you a message other than love.  These are my promises to myself and my future, and if you can forgive me, to you too: I will never cheat again, never, its not worth it, and its so dishonorable; I will never hit a woman, never ever, its also not worth it, its reactionary and undignified for a man to do that to a woman; I will speak kindly to my woman, in other words I will be aware of how my words affect other people, especially those who love me and deserve my positive, reassuring support; I will make my woman my number one priority, meaning that although I will be responsible to my job and work responsibilities, whenever reasonably possible, I will make time to be with my woman, I want her to be the center of my world, not just as a cliche, but in my everyday choices in life, including compromising and doing things that she wants to do, especially with her friends too.  These are four huge lessons that I have learned.  I wonder if I'll be able to show you.  I wonder if you love me.  I wonder if I'll be with you again.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I've been feeling pretty stoic about us today.  I know that either you love me and I'll hear from you again or you don't and I won't.  I have a lot of faith that it's the first one.  Neither one of us would've stuck through some of those challenging times if we didn't truly love one another.  Neither one of us would've cried so many tears if our whole heart wasn't in it and wanted us to work so badly.  Neither one of us would've exhibited the passion we have for the other, time after time after time, in both positive and negative manifestations.  That passion, that desire, that magnetism is love.  Our problem was that all too often we didn't trust that the other truly loved.  And I think the reason for that is that neither one of us felt like we deserved the love of the other.  Our own individual fears, insecurities, and lack -- or less than enough -- of self-love killed this relationship.  Since we didn't feel like we deserved the other's love, any mistake by the other party only validated and supported that insecurity, and from there it was just a downward vicious cycle of waiting for the other person to mess up to "prove" that we didn't love each other.  It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And yet we both love each other so much.  And like all true love, it will never die.  Looking forward from here, then, the question is not whether we will still love each other; we will.  The question is whether the timing will be right -- after we internally forgive ourselves and each other, completely -- for us to one day be together again.  And if that happens, the immediate challenge is demonstrating to each other through consistent actions that we love each other and that we feel secure enough to deserve each other's love.  In other words, our love must be for ourselves and for each other, which goes back to truly having forgiven ourselves and each other for our past mistakes.  I know that seems like a lot needed to happen, but I have faith that if it is true love, then anything is possible.  Love,

Dear Ileana, "From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl, my heart said follow through."  Those are the opening lines, if you don't recognize them, from a Bob Marley song.  Since meeting you, every time I hear them, I think of you, because they describe so perfectly my experience with you.  I've never had that experience, or felt that way about any other woman, ever.  So I know that that moment is very rare.  And I really don't know, of course, or believe that that will ever happen to me before I die.  I've always said that the connection we have is very special.  And no matter what kinds of mistakes we've both made over the course of the relationship, in spite of any and all regrets, nothing can ever take away from the beauty and rarity of those feelings, and intuitions, when we first met.  That's why it's so frustrating now to be apart from you, with the thought and possibility, that we didn't make it work, even though we have something so rare and special.  But when my faith is clear and strong, I know that if I truly love you and if you truly love me, then someday we will be together again.  The rarity and specialness of our connection is something that, with time apart, will hopefully shine through and become more apparent over time.  I have no idea what you're feeling today or what you'll be feeling tomorrow, but I can only hope that you recognize our very special attraction, and if it is Gods's will, we'll be together again when the time is right for both of us.  I know there are a lot of negative feelings right now and recently: resentment, guilt, regret; but love will always outlast those bad feelings.  Its happened for many others, so I know it can happen with us.  I'm trying to be patient, which is something that I'm not always good at, but maybe for me, that's part of why this is our reality.  I'm willing to face any challenges, with the faith that they're opportunity for growth, and eventual happiness, hopefully with you.  Love,

Dear Ileana, I love you with my whole heart and soul.  It's been 30 days since I last saw you face-to-face.  Only God knows how many more days until I see you again.  It's been tremendously difficult to be apart from you.  When I think back on our relationship, I wish it had been different.  Knowing how I feel today, I wish I had done things differently to avoid getting to this point.  I wish we could start all over.  And maybe that's the point of where we're at right now, to be apart for a while, so that we can start all over again in the future, but this time with the lessons learned from the first go-around.  But I know there are no guarantees.  And I really don't know how you feel today or how you'll feel in the future.  That's the hard part for me right now: not knowing if you think of me, not knowing if you miss me, not knowing if you love me.  This is fast becoming one of the most challenging periods of my life.  But I'm willing to take it on.  The only thing I have control over is learning my lessons, so I'm a better man as a result.  I want to be a better boyfriend to you.  I want to be a better man for me and for you.  I want to make you happy.  I want you to feel safe with me.  I want you to have fun with me.  I want you to trust me.  I want you to feel thrilled to be with me.  I want to make you laugh.  I want you to feel proud to be with me.  All those things can only happen if I feel good about myself, if I'm happy, and if I've learned from my mistakes.  All those things can only happen if I treat you like the most special woman in the world, as the beautiful, intelligent, amazing woman that you are, at all times every day.  I will do so, if it's God's will that we be together again some day.  My attraction to you was instantaneous, but my love for you took root over the entire course of our relationship.  I accept that that was God's will.  But now that my love is present I don't want to do anything, in word or in deed, to betray that love.  I simply will not.  I want to love you every day for the rest of my life.  Love,

Saw Fela! at the Academy of Music, balcony, section F, row F, seat 1, for $40.00 with Carmen.

Saw Temple vs. Massachusetts at the Liacouras Center, section 102, row F, seat 8, for $35.00.

Saw Penn vs. Harvard at The Palestra, section 216, row 11, seat 20, for $20.00 with Corey and Wagner.

Saw Temple vs. Villanova at the Liacouras Center, section 102, row U, seat 10, for $35.00.

Ileana, you were unfaithful to me time and time again.  You betrayed me and the relationship.  Naturally, that made you feel guilty.  You even thought about other guys while you were with me.  You poisoned this relationship to its core before I ever crossed any lines.  What I did this past Saturday night, and two other times, has no defense or justification.  But it was a reaction and an expression of my intense hurt from your betrayal.  Think about this, I literally stood five feet from you as I watched another guy put his whole tongue in your mouth, while grabbing your ass with both hands and picking you up from the floor.  You were holding his hand and smiling in a daze.  Now fast forward to the night before Thanksgiving, when you were out until 2am without communicating with me, and then my birthday party night, when instead of being here with me, you decided to wear a super short skirt and go alone to Silk City.  You've hurt me!  I know I'm paying the price for overreacting, I wish I had been more mature.  I hope you someday forgive me.  But you hurt me deeply, in a place where it takes a long time to heal.  You knew I loved you , yet you were unfaithful.  Just like in the very beginning, you were living a lie, that's what causes unhappiness!  Your own guilt was eating you away, and finally, inevitably, I found out, and that killed me.  You hurt me, Ileana.  I know I did something very wrong on Saturday night, but that's not what killed our relationship.  Instead of loving me, talking with me, making things better, you killed our relationship, and eventually I found out and things fell apart.  This sucks, Ileana!  Why did you hurt me???

I believe that my mom has no true understanding that I'm a real lawyer.  I believe that my mom still looks at me as if I were 21 years old.  I believe that my mom thinks I handle cases as a law student: mock cases or cases that aren't serious.  I don't think my mom understands that I sometimes argue against opposing counsel, that scores of clients think of me as their lawyer, that I'm an independent attorney with my own caseload.  I think my mom still gets worried when I drive a car, thinking automatically that I'm going to speed or drive recklessly.  I don't think my mom believes that I speak Spanish, although I've traveled by myself to Spanish-speaking countries, some of my clients speak no English at all, but only Spanish, and on one occasion when I was a paralegal I actually interpreted from Spanish to English and vice versa for a judge in a court hearing.  I believe that my mom has no real understanding of all the experiences I've had in my life, because she's never taken the time to ask, and when I do recount an experience, she tends not to listen very closely, if at all.  I don't think my mom realizes how many books I've read, and thus how many different points of view I've considered, how many stories I've experienced vicariously through the letters on a page and the pages in a book.  I believe that, by not realizing this, or even considering this, my mom believes that her judgment, by virtue of her age, is superior to mine, although she has read very little over the course of her lifetime, and still does not make reading a priority.  I believe that my mom has no idea how good a lawyer I really am.  I believe that my mom's opinion of my personality is largely focused on my negative qualities, or in other words, on my weaknesses.  I bet that if my mom had to list my three greatest strengths, she would struggle to list any, let alone name three qualities with confidence.

The beats were beating, and the ground was shaking
The rain was falling, and the earth was quaking
The earth had been dormant, but now it was awaking.
From time to time, life goes through changes
Things will stay the same until everything rearranges.
Those who survive must be able to react
          must be able to adjust
          roll with the punches
          do what they must
The purpose of life is to live until we die
          to struggle, to try
Generations will pass as the sun rises and falls
without justice, courage is weak
society is structured on the bases of laws
a more perfect world being the object we seek
And so the beat goes on
whether we feel it or not
the earth keeps revolving
for good or for naught.
The wheel in the sky keeps on turning
the fire in our heart keeps on burning
the desires in our soul keep on yearning
the young ones behind us keep on learning
things go up, things go down
one is a genius, the other is a clown
i'm made to feel like a fool
try as we may, our feelings will always rule

Dear Pito,

Happy 65th birthday!  I've enclosed a gift card with a $100.00 value.  You simply have to open the package, pull out the card, and you can use it wherever Visa is accepted.  I suggest you use it for gas or groceries, but of course its use is ultimately up to you.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to suggest that you use the occasion of your birthday, especially seeing that its your 65th, as a prime chance for self-reflection.  Others would say -- and others have in fact said -- that, at age 65, you are set in your ways, and thus I should accept you as you are, without question and without any expectation of change.

I strongly, yet respectfully, disagree.  I believe any person, every person, of any age, should hold themselves accountable and recognize how their words and actions effect those around them, particularly those closest to them.  I believe a person has not just the ability, but the obligation, to grow and improve oneself and improve their quality of life, particularly by improving the quality of their relationships.  I believe that the opposite viewpoint -- that these moral obligations do not continue as long as one is alive and well -- is a selfish one and essentially a moral cop-out, with profound effects to that person and those around him or her.  Thus, with that being said, I ask with all respect that you recognize the milestone of your 65th birthday as a key opportunity for self-reflection and growth, namely to challenge yourself to grow.

Finally, I'll just say briefly that I feel very disappointed that you apologize to Jessica for her inclusion on emails, without apologizing to me for blowing me off when we had set plans.  You apologize to the person who was not even hurt by the whole episode; and you don't apologize to the person who was.

Love,

Saw Temple vs. Rhode Island at the Liacouras Center, section 201, row E, seat 10, for $16.00.

Saw Ozomatli at World Café Live for $25.00 with Carmen.

Saw Temple vs. Penn at the Liacouras Center, section 103, row M, seat 8, for $35.00.