It's that time of year. Football is almost here!!! This coming Thursday is the college football kick-off. There's one more week of NFL pre-season, then the NFL regular season starts just two weeks from now. The downside, I guess, is that summer is coming to an end. Labor Day is next weekend, but that's a nice thing for me now since that's the anniversary of when I met Jeannie. It's also the start of my favorite season of the year: fall. In addition to being football season, I love the warm days and cool nights. I remember as a child walking the trails of Cheesequake State Park and Holmdel State Park during the fall. I also remember favorably the excitement and anticipation of a new school year and the building excitement for the fall holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. It's a good time of year, for sure.
I'm hoping some of that spirit of renewal and rejuvenation effect me this year. If you've read my recent posts, you know that there has been a lot of negativity in the air, mainly at work. Jeannie and I leave this coming Thursday for a long weekend in Montreal. I had been hoping that our recent trip to Ensenada, Mexico and San Diego might infuse me with some positive rejuvenation. It didn't happen that way, but I remain hopeful that this upcoming trip to Montreal will finally do so. Now that Jeannie and I are expecting a baby, and especially since Jeannie is still looking for work, I feel it's important that I use the challenges at work as an opportunity to learn lessons and re-double yet again my focus and energies on the work itself, rather than bothering myself with worries about other people's perceptions of me. God knows me. God knows that I'm not a perfect man, but that I'm a good man who does good work by helping others, both at work as part of my job but also outside of work as a compassionate man. This past Wednesday when I was leaving work and walking with Ben, his boyfriend Kyle, and another attorney from the office, Jane, down 15th Street toward Baja Room, I saw a homeless woman with whom I'm friendly, Maria. As I passed her, I happily said hi, and she turned around and came running back to me to give me a hug. Earlier that day, as I was walking back down Chestnut Street from Court, a young guy approached me and shared with me his story of trying to get on his feet and look for work. He asked for help getting shoes or shirts for work. In response I arranged to meet him at 2pm tomorrow to give him a pair of shoes and possibly some shirts, to get him going in the right direction. God knows that I'm a good man, even if I haven't been perfect. Whether any one at work realizes that is no longer my concern. I'll do my job to the best of my ability until I feel in my heart that it's time to move on.
Whoever you are reading this now, I pray that God blesses you with good health, happiness, and love. Whatever troubles you may have or worries on your mind, may this season be one of healthy renewal for you too. God bless you.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Day off
It's amazing how much better I feel when I'm not at work. I feel so much more at ease. I feel so much more like my self. I'm off work today, and even though I only slept about 6.5 hours last night, I've felt pretty good all day. I'm getting a little bit tired now, so I think I'll write here, then hit up the gym while I'm still functional.
Today started off with Jeannie and I going to Pennsylvania Hospital for our second pre-natal appointment. We met with (who I think was) a certified nurse, who ran through a battery of questions with Jeannie then gave her a physical examination. Jeannie and I (mostly Jeannie) had the chance to ask some questions, so that was good. The nurse also reviewed the results of Jeannie's blood test from our first appointment a couple weeks ago. Everything looked good. She told us that we're a low-risk pregnancy, and I hope to God that everything goes as smoothly as it sounds like it can or may.
Next, we met with another, older woman in an office down the hallway. I don't know her title, but she was very helpful, in terms of being very up-front and descriptive about the nature of the pain associated with childbirth and also about the benefits of using a midwife for childbirth, rather than a doctor in a hospital. After hearing earlier that we're a low-risk pregnancy, I like the idea of using a midwife. Jeannie said she was also leaning that way, although she said that her birth mother has been encouraging (shall I say?) her to go with a doctor. While meeting with the woman this morning, I told Jeannie that I like the sound of using a midwife and I don't want us to make decisions that are driven by fear (of what could go wrong). I want to keep setting the tone that we're both going to be as healthy as we can be throughout this process on all levels -- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and otherwise -- so we have positive energy and so we think positive. Although it may sound cheesy, I don't want to operate in "what-if"s, but in "we can"s. Ultimately we must have faith in God that everything we will as it shall be.
After getting back from the appointment, I took the rest of the afternoon to fold some laundry that had needed to be folded and put away for a couple days. I also reviewed 3 of 5 folders of legal documents (templates and model documents) for this coming year of law students. As productive as I felt this afternoon, though, days off always seem to fly by. It's weird.
Today started off with Jeannie and I going to Pennsylvania Hospital for our second pre-natal appointment. We met with (who I think was) a certified nurse, who ran through a battery of questions with Jeannie then gave her a physical examination. Jeannie and I (mostly Jeannie) had the chance to ask some questions, so that was good. The nurse also reviewed the results of Jeannie's blood test from our first appointment a couple weeks ago. Everything looked good. She told us that we're a low-risk pregnancy, and I hope to God that everything goes as smoothly as it sounds like it can or may.
Next, we met with another, older woman in an office down the hallway. I don't know her title, but she was very helpful, in terms of being very up-front and descriptive about the nature of the pain associated with childbirth and also about the benefits of using a midwife for childbirth, rather than a doctor in a hospital. After hearing earlier that we're a low-risk pregnancy, I like the idea of using a midwife. Jeannie said she was also leaning that way, although she said that her birth mother has been encouraging (shall I say?) her to go with a doctor. While meeting with the woman this morning, I told Jeannie that I like the sound of using a midwife and I don't want us to make decisions that are driven by fear (of what could go wrong). I want to keep setting the tone that we're both going to be as healthy as we can be throughout this process on all levels -- physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and otherwise -- so we have positive energy and so we think positive. Although it may sound cheesy, I don't want to operate in "what-if"s, but in "we can"s. Ultimately we must have faith in God that everything we will as it shall be.
After getting back from the appointment, I took the rest of the afternoon to fold some laundry that had needed to be folded and put away for a couple days. I also reviewed 3 of 5 folders of legal documents (templates and model documents) for this coming year of law students. As productive as I felt this afternoon, though, days off always seem to fly by. It's weird.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Can I learn from this test?
Man, how difficult it seems to be happy, genuinely happy! I feel so weary of this life that I'm living. The biggest weight around my neck is my relationship with my coworkers. I need to figure out if there is anything that I can be doing better or differently without, of course, sacrificing my morals or principles. The problem is that I have a supervisor whose skills as a lawyer are sub-par, due primarily to her tendency to over-identify with our women clients, while demonizing men in general, particularly the opposing parties. Additionally, she also makes assumptions all the time, something which should be a no-no for any lawyer, yet she is the supervising attorney. Oftentimes her assumptions play into her pro-woman, anti-man bias. As with any team or organization, it's only as good as its leadership. The second lawyer in seniority is very self-promotional, a quality which I generally dislike. A cult of personality has grown around her and she seems to encourage it by speaking highly of herself, posting photos of herself throughout the office, and purposely sitting at the head of the table at weekly unit meetings. I'm third in seniority. The next lawyer in seniority has stated point-blank that she will only date black men. This policy has challenged me internally since I found out about it. On one hand, I understand that every person has the right to have their own preferences for who they date. But if another woman stated that she only dates men who earn more than a million dollars per year, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being materialistic? Or if another woman stated that she only dates men with a huge penis, then is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for objectifying men? When we bring up issues of race, it naturally raises the question of racism. Is it racist for the fourth lawyer in seniority to state that she only dates black men? Is it unreasonable for me to dislike her for being superficial? What's even more frustrating for me is that these lawyers (1, 2, and 4) are all kind women at heart. I know this, because I've seen it in how they treat others. They're not necessarily bad people, but there are things about them that I frankly do not like. But, as long as I'm analyzing this whole situation, I can easily wonder if there are things about me that they do not like. Perhaps that's what I need to find out. If I am to use this challenging period in my life for any kind of constructive purpose, then perhaps I need to be asking everyone what can I be doing differently? what can I be doing better? what do you dislike about my work as a lawyer? what do you dislike about my work as a supervisor of law students? what do you dislike about me as a coworker? what do you dislike about me as a person? Today's Gospel reading at St. Charles Borromeo was from St. Paul's letter to the Hebrews. I'm not sure the exact scripture citation, but after looking in my Bible here at home, I believe today's Gospel came from Hebrews 12. Here's a direct quotation from Hebrews 12:5-11, The Message:
I need to remind myself that every challenge in life must be a test from God. I've tried to keep my head up, be a good man, do my work to the best of my ability, and disregard any perceived judgment or dislike from others. But this three-day weekend that is now coming to an end was generally unhappy. I had troubles sleeping, as a result of all the negative feelings from work. As much as I try to put a positive spin on this whole thing, I can't help but feel crappy. This negativity from work is effecting my overall emotional well-being. What do I do? If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me. I pray to God to help me through this trial and lead me to where I need to be, even if it's somewhere other than where I am now.
"My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline,
but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
but don’t be crushed by it either.
It’s the child he loves that he disciplines;
the child he embraces, he also corrects.
God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God."
I need to remind myself that every challenge in life must be a test from God. I've tried to keep my head up, be a good man, do my work to the best of my ability, and disregard any perceived judgment or dislike from others. But this three-day weekend that is now coming to an end was generally unhappy. I had troubles sleeping, as a result of all the negative feelings from work. As much as I try to put a positive spin on this whole thing, I can't help but feel crappy. This negativity from work is effecting my overall emotional well-being. What do I do? If you're reading this, please say a prayer for me. I pray to God to help me through this trial and lead me to where I need to be, even if it's somewhere other than where I am now.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Memorandum to management
TO: Anita and Richard
FROM: [Xxxxx]
DATE: 8/15/13
Earlier this year, I brought up the issue of name-calling opposing parties, which seemed to be happening more and more. I raised the issue at a family law unit meeting. I stand by my position that name-calling anyone (client, opposing party, co-worker, court official, etc.) in any setting is wrong. I regret and feel ashamed, however, of my delivery, since I was too emotional when I raised it with the unit. I learned from that mistake and hope to be better at delivering criticism to others.
Note that Sue repeatedly used the word "asshole" to describe only men opposing parties. In a private conversation between Sue and I in my office, I told Sue that if she continued to name-call men as "assholes," then I would name-call women opposing parties as "cunts." Of course that suggestion elicited a very angry reaction from her. Just as I was angry at what I perceived as a unit bias against men.
The unit responded by making a policy that no one shall name-call a client or opposing party at a unit meeeting; instead each person shall use objective, descriptive statements of fact. I accepted the unit's policy decision as a step in the right direction. I added that I acknowledge I have no right to tell people how to speak behind closed doors, but I believe the policy should be no name-calling ever, in even private. We, especially the leaders in the unit, have a duty to set an example of professionalism at all times. There's no legitimate reason to name-call; there's no excuse to name-call. The unit listened to me, but made no decision to take it to that level.
Just a couple days ago, I found out that Sue name-called me. Sue called me a "bitch" in a private conversation with (an)other person(s) from the unit. I'm not surprised, coming from the person who most name-called men opposing parties and the person who most wanted to limit the policy against name-calling to unit meetings only. If I called any woman in my office a "bitch," I'd be fired for sexual harassment. In a pro-woman-biased organization, however, the double standard is condoned.
I have two salient issues. First, the alienation of me as the only male in the unit, especially since my personality is such that I get very frustrated with any kind of injustice or inequality. Second, that the supervising attorney of the unit (and implicitly also management, by my perception of their failure to manage this situation) has not been a leader; she has not set an example of what a complete, professional, competent attorney should be; she's teaching the young people in our unit (paralegals, law students and even newer attorneys) that it's okay to assess a case by calling a man a "fucking asshole" or consider a case for representation based on an emotional sympathy for the woman client, rather than based upon the objective facts of the case.
I have many more issues with Sue's quality of work as supervising attorney (most of which I've told her directly) but that's beyond the scope of this memorandum. I'll just say that I've tried at least a couple times to "manage up," and I've come to the conclusion that it's a useless waste of time. I don't think that I will ever change Sue. And it's also not my job to supervise or manage Sue. Now having no respect for Sue, I intend to have as little contact as possible with Sue and I request management's approval of such.
As a final consideration, let me swear and affirm that I have never name-called any client, opposing party, coworker, or court official ever in any setting, whether at a unit meeting or closed-door meeting with anyone. And as yourself: if you knew that the person supposedly guiding you and your legal career called you a "bitch," would you feel morale to come to work, see them in the office, consider their advice or assessment of cases, or like them as a person? If your answer is anything but "no," then I will consider all my options, including sharing this with others and/or resignation.
FROM: [Xxxxx]
DATE: 8/15/13
Earlier this year, I brought up the issue of name-calling opposing parties, which seemed to be happening more and more. I raised the issue at a family law unit meeting. I stand by my position that name-calling anyone (client, opposing party, co-worker, court official, etc.) in any setting is wrong. I regret and feel ashamed, however, of my delivery, since I was too emotional when I raised it with the unit. I learned from that mistake and hope to be better at delivering criticism to others.
Note that Sue repeatedly used the word "asshole" to describe only men opposing parties. In a private conversation between Sue and I in my office, I told Sue that if she continued to name-call men as "assholes," then I would name-call women opposing parties as "cunts." Of course that suggestion elicited a very angry reaction from her. Just as I was angry at what I perceived as a unit bias against men.
The unit responded by making a policy that no one shall name-call a client or opposing party at a unit meeeting; instead each person shall use objective, descriptive statements of fact. I accepted the unit's policy decision as a step in the right direction. I added that I acknowledge I have no right to tell people how to speak behind closed doors, but I believe the policy should be no name-calling ever, in even private. We, especially the leaders in the unit, have a duty to set an example of professionalism at all times. There's no legitimate reason to name-call; there's no excuse to name-call. The unit listened to me, but made no decision to take it to that level.
Just a couple days ago, I found out that Sue name-called me. Sue called me a "bitch" in a private conversation with (an)other person(s) from the unit. I'm not surprised, coming from the person who most name-called men opposing parties and the person who most wanted to limit the policy against name-calling to unit meetings only. If I called any woman in my office a "bitch," I'd be fired for sexual harassment. In a pro-woman-biased organization, however, the double standard is condoned.
I have two salient issues. First, the alienation of me as the only male in the unit, especially since my personality is such that I get very frustrated with any kind of injustice or inequality. Second, that the supervising attorney of the unit (and implicitly also management, by my perception of their failure to manage this situation) has not been a leader; she has not set an example of what a complete, professional, competent attorney should be; she's teaching the young people in our unit (paralegals, law students and even newer attorneys) that it's okay to assess a case by calling a man a "fucking asshole" or consider a case for representation based on an emotional sympathy for the woman client, rather than based upon the objective facts of the case.
I have many more issues with Sue's quality of work as supervising attorney (most of which I've told her directly) but that's beyond the scope of this memorandum. I'll just say that I've tried at least a couple times to "manage up," and I've come to the conclusion that it's a useless waste of time. I don't think that I will ever change Sue. And it's also not my job to supervise or manage Sue. Now having no respect for Sue, I intend to have as little contact as possible with Sue and I request management's approval of such.
As a final consideration, let me swear and affirm that I have never name-called any client, opposing party, coworker, or court official ever in any setting, whether at a unit meeting or closed-door meeting with anyone. And as yourself: if you knew that the person supposedly guiding you and your legal career called you a "bitch," would you feel morale to come to work, see them in the office, consider their advice or assessment of cases, or like them as a person? If your answer is anything but "no," then I will consider all my options, including sharing this with others and/or resignation.
Sun after the Storm
Although today was Wednesday I used a vacation day to take the day off from work. I needed it. Yesterday was one of the most emotional days at work since I've been back as an attorney. I had exit interviews with two of the outgoing law student interns, the first being terrible, the second fortunately allaying most of the fears and insecurities that arose from the first. Between the two, I met privately with Diana in my office in what turned out to be total gush of pent-up emotion, then a shorter open door meeting with Diane, which started out as an honest conversation, until the second law student showed up and thus began the second exit interview. Although Jeannie and I went to Corey and Laura's house for a barbecue later in the evening, I was emotionally spent and my self-esteem had been greatly injured, therefore blunting the effect of what would normally have been a good time hanging out with a good friend and his fiancee.
Today was a much better day, although it started slow as I still had an emotional hangover from yesterday. I felt tired, groggy, and emotionally weak for the first half of the day. The fact that I wasn't in the office, which is the source of my low self-esteem and unhappiness, was a good thing and it ended up being a good day.
Jeannie and I stepped out around 9:30am to an absolutely beautiful day: blue skies, cool air, and a crisp breeze, a real precursor of fall even though we're still in mid-August. We caught a cab to Pennsylvania Hospital for Jeannie's first prenatal appointment. Jeannie had led me to believe that it was going to be a more comprehensive medical visit, but after waiting for nearly an hour and a half, during which time Jeannie filled out a bunch of paperwork, we eventually met with who I think was a nurse's assistant, who gave us some brief advice on the prenatal process and also scheduled our next appointment. Then Jeannie had to get some blood taken. And then we left. It was sort of anticlimactic based on my assumption what it was going to be, but Jeannie said that she was happy that I went with her.
Next, we walked a couple blocks to Washington Square, where we got a coffee and blueberry scone for me and a cafe latte for Jeannie. We sat at a sidewalk table in the direct warm sunlight and that's when a lot of the negativity from yesterday finally evaporated into the air. It felt good to be with my girlfriend on a warm, relaxing summer day.
Next, we walked up Walnut Street to 16th, then walked to Chestnut and doubled back halfway up the block to get to H&R Block, where I finally got my taxes done for years 2009 through 2012. I was due refunds for federal and state taxes for all years, so despite the hefty fee for the tax preparation, the net gain was worth it, especially to be completed in only about an hour and a half. I felt content to finally check that task off my to do list.
Next, we walked home to eat lunch out in our back patio. I warmed up some spaghetti, then ate some yogurt and cherries. We had just enough time to eat lunch and relax for just a couple minutes, then it was time to see Father Ed. Jeannie met with him for a little more than an hour. We talked about preparing to get confirmed. But most of our conversation was about preparing to get married. During a minute when Father Ed had to step out of the room to take a phone call, Jeannie whispered to me that she would tell him that she's pregnant, in order to find out if it would effect his advice on our timeline and preparation for getting married. I'm glad Jeannie did tell him, because he said that we could get married sooner if that's what we chose. So our conversation led to a tentative decision to at least consider getting married at the end of this year, perhaps in December. Finally, right before we left, Father Ed recited a prayer for parents-to-be from a prayer book, we all recited the Lord's Prayer, and he blessed us with holy water. It was a really nice thing. Writing and thinking about it now, I hope that God truly blesses us. Insofar as work has been very trying lately, I pray especially to "forgive those who trespass against us" and to "lead us not into temptation" and "deliver us from evil." Of course in the longer view, and in light of the prayer for parents-to-be, I hope to God that I'll be a good man and a good father. For that I hope that God blesses me with the Holy Spirit and guides me to where I need to be, with whom, and what I should do and say in every situation.
Now, at the end of the night, I feel a sense of calm and relief, which is a complete 180 degrees from how I felt this time last night. I have to go back to work tomorrow, though. I can only hope that somehow some way things have or will turn a corner there. For my part I know that in some way I probably need to lighten up and not take things too seriously. Anyway, it's time for bed now...
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Summer law students' last day
Today was the last official day for the summer law students. For that reason there was a luncheon in the 5th floor conference room at 12:30pm. After Anita said some words of thanks, she opened it up to whoever wanted to individually thank their law students. Ben jumped right in to thank the work of his two students in the food stamp clinic.
After a pause, in which I deliberately thought to myself that I must speak, I did indeed give a short speech. I said that I was proud of the four students under my supervision and the work they did this summer. I said that it called to mind Mahatma Gandhi's statement that we must be the change we wish to see in the world, since I saw the change that took place this summer. I said that I saw the external change that the students made by helping their clients. I said how, just this morning, I was closing lots of casefiles and nearly every case was closed as a "limited action" (as opposed to "advice only") case, meaning that the student wrote a complaint for custody or complaint for support or a letter to the Court that wouldn't have been done for the client if it wasn't for us, if it wasn't for the law students. I said that I also saw the internal change within the students, in their growth from day one until today, how they learned so much in the past ten (10) weeks and I hope I had something to do with that. Finally, I said that I was proud of the work that the students did and I was happy for them.
Let me say that what I've written here is a pretty faithful paraphrase of what I said, but it reads much better here than how I delivered it. Thus, I stand by the substance, but I felt somewhat embarrassed at the presentation. The reason I say this is that I felt hesitant and a bit nervous in front of everyone. This is nothing new when it comes to speaking in front of others about my own personal feelings, but I also know that my vibe standing before so many of my co-workers was effected by the negativity and dissatisfaction that I've been feeling at work for at least the past couple months. If I had stood in front of a group of co-workers that I genuinely felt were my friends, people who cared for me and around whom I could feel comfortable and be myself, then the substance of my speech today would have been more natural, more confidently delivered. Instead, it was a tentative, though sincere, sharing of my thoughts. Bottom line: I can't stand where I work. I want to feel passionate and motivated, while also supported and loved. That ain't happenin' where I'm at -- a de facto women's rights, Penn Law lawyers-preferred, Haverford paralegals-preferred -- a public interest law firm that is becoming organizationally old and static and in which powered is essentially concentrated in the hands of just three people or so. I'm tired of it, in a very real and literal way. And I'm sure they're tired of me -- I'm not a woman, I'm not Penn Law or Haverford educated, and I don't kiss anyone's ass, ever.
After a pause, in which I deliberately thought to myself that I must speak, I did indeed give a short speech. I said that I was proud of the four students under my supervision and the work they did this summer. I said that it called to mind Mahatma Gandhi's statement that we must be the change we wish to see in the world, since I saw the change that took place this summer. I said that I saw the external change that the students made by helping their clients. I said how, just this morning, I was closing lots of casefiles and nearly every case was closed as a "limited action" (as opposed to "advice only") case, meaning that the student wrote a complaint for custody or complaint for support or a letter to the Court that wouldn't have been done for the client if it wasn't for us, if it wasn't for the law students. I said that I also saw the internal change within the students, in their growth from day one until today, how they learned so much in the past ten (10) weeks and I hope I had something to do with that. Finally, I said that I was proud of the work that the students did and I was happy for them.
Let me say that what I've written here is a pretty faithful paraphrase of what I said, but it reads much better here than how I delivered it. Thus, I stand by the substance, but I felt somewhat embarrassed at the presentation. The reason I say this is that I felt hesitant and a bit nervous in front of everyone. This is nothing new when it comes to speaking in front of others about my own personal feelings, but I also know that my vibe standing before so many of my co-workers was effected by the negativity and dissatisfaction that I've been feeling at work for at least the past couple months. If I had stood in front of a group of co-workers that I genuinely felt were my friends, people who cared for me and around whom I could feel comfortable and be myself, then the substance of my speech today would have been more natural, more confidently delivered. Instead, it was a tentative, though sincere, sharing of my thoughts. Bottom line: I can't stand where I work. I want to feel passionate and motivated, while also supported and loved. That ain't happenin' where I'm at -- a de facto women's rights, Penn Law lawyers-preferred, Haverford paralegals-preferred -- a public interest law firm that is becoming organizationally old and static and in which powered is essentially concentrated in the hands of just three people or so. I'm tired of it, in a very real and literal way. And I'm sure they're tired of me -- I'm not a woman, I'm not Penn Law or Haverford educated, and I don't kiss anyone's ass, ever.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Daydreaming of wandering north...
As I'm writing this now, I'm listening to Los Amigos Invisibles on youtube. Listening to their music almost always makes me feel happy. It's takes me away to another place, physically, psychically, and emotionally. It somehow reminds me that there's a whole world out there, beyond the quotidian existence of my office, the world of family law, and the steps I take to get from home to the office and back. I feel empowered even as I write this now.
Speaking of dreaming of other places, while at work today, between phone calls and other tasks, I looked at a map of Quebec province, Canada. I daydreamed about my trip in the fall of 2011 to Montreal. I remember the daylong train ride from Philadelphia through New York City, along the Hudson River and past Lake Champlain up to Montreal. I recalled the sensation of feeling like I was in a European city, while still knowing that my feet were firmly planted in North America. I looked up some information on the city of Trois Rivieres on the banks of the St. Lawrence River and I hoped that Jeannie and I can make the trip there some time in the next month or so. Just thinking about it, I could picture myself there and already I could feel my stress level declining. God willing, we'll be there soon.
Finally tonight, I just want to say that I'm so thankful for Rocky and the Baby. I love them so much. While we sat on the couch eating our dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon and diced onion and red pepper, with a bagel with cream cheese, Rocky jumped up to sit between Jeannie and me and the Baby sat on top of the cable box like usual. A little later on, when I was done with dinner and just sitting drinking a glass of orange juice, the Baby jumped up to sit on my lap. Even now as I type, I look up from my desk and see Rocky perched on the thin ledge next to and above the stair case that leads down here to the basement. These guys bring me so much happiness. I hope they know that I love them so much.
Speaking of dreaming of other places, while at work today, between phone calls and other tasks, I looked at a map of Quebec province, Canada. I daydreamed about my trip in the fall of 2011 to Montreal. I remember the daylong train ride from Philadelphia through New York City, along the Hudson River and past Lake Champlain up to Montreal. I recalled the sensation of feeling like I was in a European city, while still knowing that my feet were firmly planted in North America. I looked up some information on the city of Trois Rivieres on the banks of the St. Lawrence River and I hoped that Jeannie and I can make the trip there some time in the next month or so. Just thinking about it, I could picture myself there and already I could feel my stress level declining. God willing, we'll be there soon.
Finally tonight, I just want to say that I'm so thankful for Rocky and the Baby. I love them so much. While we sat on the couch eating our dinner of scrambled eggs with bacon and diced onion and red pepper, with a bagel with cream cheese, Rocky jumped up to sit between Jeannie and me and the Baby sat on top of the cable box like usual. A little later on, when I was done with dinner and just sitting drinking a glass of orange juice, the Baby jumped up to sit on my lap. Even now as I type, I look up from my desk and see Rocky perched on the thin ledge next to and above the stair case that leads down here to the basement. These guys bring me so much happiness. I hope they know that I love them so much.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Work and gym today, Florida in late October?
Jeannie and I worked out together at the gym at the YMCA tonight. We did the following exercises: dumbbell squats; lat pull-downs; leg extensions; seated cable rows; and a quick set of lunges. I haven't worked out legs in over a month, so I won't be surprised if I'm feeling it tomorrow.
We're hoping to plan a trip to visit my dad in Naples, Florida some time within the next couple months. I sent an email to my dad just the other day asking if he's free for the first two weeks of October. He replied to say that his sister (my aunt Judith) will be there from October 1st to the 12th. So that blows that idea. Then, my friend Corey is getting married on Saturday the 19th and Jeannie's family friend Cindy is getting married on Saturday the 26th. I just wrote an email to my dad a few minutes ago to say that I guess we'll have to look at going to visit him at the very end of October into the beginning of November. I'll look for his reply tomorrow. If that's when we decide to go, I hope that the water temperature in the Gulf of Mexico isn't too cool yet.
Work wasn't so bad today. I caught up with all my review of the law students' legal writing and case notes. I caught up with most, though certainly not all, of my list of phone calls. And, as the highlights of my day, Deeya came to ask me for case strategy this morning, Jesse came in the late afternoon to ask me for a critique of how she handled a case and also to ask for case strategy, and Lizzy, one of the paralegals, thanked me very kindly for sending a template of a motion to vacate an acknowledgment of paternity. As I wrote just yesterday, I'm happiest when I feel like I can truly help others. So in that context today was a pretty good day. And for that I am thankful.
We're hoping to plan a trip to visit my dad in Naples, Florida some time within the next couple months. I sent an email to my dad just the other day asking if he's free for the first two weeks of October. He replied to say that his sister (my aunt Judith) will be there from October 1st to the 12th. So that blows that idea. Then, my friend Corey is getting married on Saturday the 19th and Jeannie's family friend Cindy is getting married on Saturday the 26th. I just wrote an email to my dad a few minutes ago to say that I guess we'll have to look at going to visit him at the very end of October into the beginning of November. I'll look for his reply tomorrow. If that's when we decide to go, I hope that the water temperature in the Gulf of Mexico isn't too cool yet.
Work wasn't so bad today. I caught up with all my review of the law students' legal writing and case notes. I caught up with most, though certainly not all, of my list of phone calls. And, as the highlights of my day, Deeya came to ask me for case strategy this morning, Jesse came in the late afternoon to ask me for a critique of how she handled a case and also to ask for case strategy, and Lizzy, one of the paralegals, thanked me very kindly for sending a template of a motion to vacate an acknowledgment of paternity. As I wrote just yesterday, I'm happiest when I feel like I can truly help others. So in that context today was a pretty good day. And for that I am thankful.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Journey begins now
Work sucks. I need to find a new job. My happiest moments at work are when I feel like I've actually helped someone and/or when I've genuinely connected with a client. I can't look for a job on the basis of the second source of happiness, so I must look for a job on the basis of the first source: how, where, and in what way can I actually help people? That will then lead me, naturally, to genuine connections with clients. My legal experience and work history suggests that I stay in the field of family law, although I've always been interested in getting into immigration law. Earlier tonight, Jeannie helped to install Microsoft Office on to my new computer (which I'm using to write this). So, I will very soon start to develop a written plan for what I need to do to find my way to my next job.
Unlike what Anita said to a candidate at an interview today, I don't feel like I work in a collaborative environment. As I've written about before, I don't feel comfortable at work. To put it bluntly, I'm a minority: I'm a man in a woman's office. My first legal job after law school was a contract position for a corporate firm defending a large pharmaceutical corporation in a class action civil suit. I worked with about 100 other attorneys. The team I worked on was about 12-15 of us. Most of us were around the same age, we were mostly fresh or shortly out of law school, most of us had a really good sense of humor, and we were a mixed group (male/female and different skin colors). Looking back, it was a great work environment. I didn't like the work itself, but my co-workers really made work enjoyable. If I could combine that collegiality and camaraderie with the substance of the work I do now, I think I'd be a happy worker. I'd be motivated to go to work. I'd feel the good spirit and support of those around me. I'd feel like I was working with others with whom I share things in common. I'd feel like I was working with equals. That's what's missing at PLA, so that's what I want to find elsewhere.
Unlike what Jesse said to a candidate at an interview today, I do not feel energized at work. The closer I get to the office, the more closed-off I feel, the more repressed I feel. I don't feel comfortable walking around the hallways at work, because I don't feel supported, I feel that others get more credit than they deserve, I feel that some don't pull their weight, and as a man I feel totally left out. So, in sum, work doesn't energize me; on the contrary, it drains me of any happiness I have when I get there.
I realize that I'm complaining a lot. I try to keep these negative thoughts to myself, other than when I share them with Jeannie, or occasionally to my mom, dad, or sister. I dump all these negative feelings here, because I need to get them off my chest. I also go to the gym, because I have to release the negative energy through a physical outlet. I hope to find a job from which I don't absorb negativity which I must later release through complaining, writing, and weight-lifting. I hope to find a job which fulfills me, energizes me, and brings out the best in me. May God help me.
Unlike what Anita said to a candidate at an interview today, I don't feel like I work in a collaborative environment. As I've written about before, I don't feel comfortable at work. To put it bluntly, I'm a minority: I'm a man in a woman's office. My first legal job after law school was a contract position for a corporate firm defending a large pharmaceutical corporation in a class action civil suit. I worked with about 100 other attorneys. The team I worked on was about 12-15 of us. Most of us were around the same age, we were mostly fresh or shortly out of law school, most of us had a really good sense of humor, and we were a mixed group (male/female and different skin colors). Looking back, it was a great work environment. I didn't like the work itself, but my co-workers really made work enjoyable. If I could combine that collegiality and camaraderie with the substance of the work I do now, I think I'd be a happy worker. I'd be motivated to go to work. I'd feel the good spirit and support of those around me. I'd feel like I was working with others with whom I share things in common. I'd feel like I was working with equals. That's what's missing at PLA, so that's what I want to find elsewhere.
Unlike what Jesse said to a candidate at an interview today, I do not feel energized at work. The closer I get to the office, the more closed-off I feel, the more repressed I feel. I don't feel comfortable walking around the hallways at work, because I don't feel supported, I feel that others get more credit than they deserve, I feel that some don't pull their weight, and as a man I feel totally left out. So, in sum, work doesn't energize me; on the contrary, it drains me of any happiness I have when I get there.
I realize that I'm complaining a lot. I try to keep these negative thoughts to myself, other than when I share them with Jeannie, or occasionally to my mom, dad, or sister. I dump all these negative feelings here, because I need to get them off my chest. I also go to the gym, because I have to release the negative energy through a physical outlet. I hope to find a job from which I don't absorb negativity which I must later release through complaining, writing, and weight-lifting. I hope to find a job which fulfills me, energizes me, and brings out the best in me. May God help me.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Weekend round-up
I had a great weekend. On Friday, I worked until 6:40pm, then walked home to get changed and go to the gym for about 45 minutes. I did the following exercises: barbell bench press; dumbbell curl and press; dumbbell lateral raises; and tricep cable press-downs. It was a good work-out. I'll note that, for my final set of bench press, I put up 225 pounds for two (2) repetitions, with no spot. Jeannie and I came back from the gym, and she took a quick shower, after which we made a dinner of salad and mac-n-cheese. Then I took a shower and we headed out to meet Jeannie's friends, Katy, Deb, and Antoine at Morgan's Pier. The breeze coming off the Delaware River was really pleasant and the views of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge were spectacular. We got to Morgan's Pier just in time to see the fireworks at the end of the Camden Riversharks game. The main downside to Morgan's Pier, however, was the loud volume of the techno music they were playing; it made it kinda hard to talk. Overall, it was a good night though.
On Saturday, Jeannie and I met up with Corey and Laura for brunch at SoWe. Jeannie had the crab cakes benedict and I had French toast. We had a nice time catching up with Corey and Laura, who are getting married in a little more than two (2) months from now. I feel like Corey and I have grown apart a bit since the suicide of Wagner. It could be due to the busyness of our respective schedules or our preference to spend our free time with our respective partner, but I also wonder if one or both of us might be backing away out of a reaction to the death of Wagner, as a form of psychological self-preservation or just distancing ourselves from a terrible episode in our recent past. Anyway, bringing it back to the present, it was great to see Corey and Laura. After brunch, I dropped-off my brown dress shoes to be re-soled at Paul and Paula's shoe repair shop on South Street near 20th Street. Then, we stopped in to Neighborhood Books on South Street near 19th, where I bought The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State by Friedrich Engels and The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene (which I'll read in that order). After that, we came home and rested for a while until Jeannie's friend, Katy, came over for a visit and helped Jeannie to make what turned out to be a delicious chicken pot pie. Later, around 9pm, my friend Ben and his boyfriend, Kyle, came over to join us. And later, closer to midnight, Katy's husband, Andrew, stopped by for a few minutes after flying in to PHL. We all just hung out and watched Spider-Man 3 on television.
Today was a good day. We started the day as usual by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo. After getting home and having some cereal for breakfast, Jeannie went out for a walk, while I stayed home to water the plants and do some reading out on the back patio. The sun felt good and warm. I drank a couple cups of coffee and really just enjoyed my time outside. Later, after I gave myself a haircut and Jeannie came home, I ate lunch (left-over chicken pot pie; French vanilla yogurt; and an apple) and took a shower. Then, we walked the couple blocks over to the Marian Anderson Recreation Center pool, which was such a good idea, because it was so relaxing. There weren't too many people there, the water was cool and relaxing, and the sun still felt great. Afterward, we came home and shortly after my friend Rodwin (an old friend from Gettysburg) came by for a visit. He just spent the last few months in basic training and he leaves tomorrow morning on a cross-country drive to his assignment in Fort Lewis, Washington. It was very good to see Rod and I felt honored that he would take time from his very tight schedule to come all the way into Philadelphia to see Jeannie and me. It meant a whole lot and I was happy to see him. After he left, Jeannie and I spent some quality time together before taking advantage of the beautiful evening to make some burgers on the grill, with a salad and French fries on the side. Now, Jeannie's waiting for me at the couch so we can enjoy some relaxation as we wind down the weekend. All in all, it was a very good one. And for that, I'm very thankful to God.
On Saturday, Jeannie and I met up with Corey and Laura for brunch at SoWe. Jeannie had the crab cakes benedict and I had French toast. We had a nice time catching up with Corey and Laura, who are getting married in a little more than two (2) months from now. I feel like Corey and I have grown apart a bit since the suicide of Wagner. It could be due to the busyness of our respective schedules or our preference to spend our free time with our respective partner, but I also wonder if one or both of us might be backing away out of a reaction to the death of Wagner, as a form of psychological self-preservation or just distancing ourselves from a terrible episode in our recent past. Anyway, bringing it back to the present, it was great to see Corey and Laura. After brunch, I dropped-off my brown dress shoes to be re-soled at Paul and Paula's shoe repair shop on South Street near 20th Street. Then, we stopped in to Neighborhood Books on South Street near 19th, where I bought The Origin of the Family, Private Property, and the State by Friedrich Engels and The Power and the Glory by Graham Greene (which I'll read in that order). After that, we came home and rested for a while until Jeannie's friend, Katy, came over for a visit and helped Jeannie to make what turned out to be a delicious chicken pot pie. Later, around 9pm, my friend Ben and his boyfriend, Kyle, came over to join us. And later, closer to midnight, Katy's husband, Andrew, stopped by for a few minutes after flying in to PHL. We all just hung out and watched Spider-Man 3 on television.
Today was a good day. We started the day as usual by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo. After getting home and having some cereal for breakfast, Jeannie went out for a walk, while I stayed home to water the plants and do some reading out on the back patio. The sun felt good and warm. I drank a couple cups of coffee and really just enjoyed my time outside. Later, after I gave myself a haircut and Jeannie came home, I ate lunch (left-over chicken pot pie; French vanilla yogurt; and an apple) and took a shower. Then, we walked the couple blocks over to the Marian Anderson Recreation Center pool, which was such a good idea, because it was so relaxing. There weren't too many people there, the water was cool and relaxing, and the sun still felt great. Afterward, we came home and shortly after my friend Rodwin (an old friend from Gettysburg) came by for a visit. He just spent the last few months in basic training and he leaves tomorrow morning on a cross-country drive to his assignment in Fort Lewis, Washington. It was very good to see Rod and I felt honored that he would take time from his very tight schedule to come all the way into Philadelphia to see Jeannie and me. It meant a whole lot and I was happy to see him. After he left, Jeannie and I spent some quality time together before taking advantage of the beautiful evening to make some burgers on the grill, with a salad and French fries on the side. Now, Jeannie's waiting for me at the couch so we can enjoy some relaxation as we wind down the weekend. All in all, it was a very good one. And for that, I'm very thankful to God.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Several reflections on society
I think all the media and events sympathetic to Trayvon Martin are ridiculous. Trayvon Martin was bashing George Zimmerman's head into a sidewalk. George Zimmerman was justified in defending his life. There was likely poor decision-making on the part of both men, but George Zimmerman did nothing unlawful at any point, either before, during, or after. And if poor decision-making is a punishable crime, then we're all guilty.
I think it's terrible that the United States has militarized the border with Mexico. Open the border. The whole point of the NAFTA was free trade (obviously, since that's part of the acronym). If the U.S. is in favor of free trade and commerce, then it should be in favor of the free movement of labor. Labor and capital are two sides of the same coin. Policies must be consistent, or else they are simply hypocrisy.
I think it's a real shame that so many people of wealth and means are not religious. Everything you are, everything you have is due to the grace of God. To be ignorant of that is sinful pride and arrogance. Failure to give thanks for the people and things in your life, and for life itself, is a sin. I have little respect for people who think they are "the shit." God shall humble you when the time is right, and your wealth will be exposed for its worthlessness.
Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper has been getting lots of publicity, largely negative, for getting caught on camera using the "n-----" word. I condemned my friend Paul for using the word several years ago. And I stand in my position that the word should never be used. But returning to the theme of hypocrisy from above, I disrespect any person that uses the "n-----" word, including persons of African descent and/or dark skin color. Quit using the word; depending on your appearance you either sound like a racist or an ignorant, uneducated fool. If the United States is going to be the greatest country in the world, it must act like it; being or looking like a racist or ignorant, uneducated fool demonstrates the opposite of being great.
And speaking of judging others, up until I created a big hullabaloo a few months ago by speaking truth at a weekly unit meeting, my supervisor would frequently use the word "asshole" to describe men, and only men, opposing parties in cases where we considered whether to provide attorney representation to our clients (who, in these particular cases, were women). I have no tolerance for any kind of racism, sexism, or bias rooted in immutable characteristics. Quit name-calling others, you sound like an insolent adolescent. Again, if we're going to be a great nation, each and every one of us must hold ourselves to high standards of conduct, not just for ourselves as individuals, but also as mindful of the example we set for others, especially the young. Regularly calling any class or category of people an "asshole" or some other offensive word is the opposite of great; it's a base reflection of the reality television culture we live in, where people are implicitly encouraged to speak and act impulsively, often at the expense of other people's dignity.
I think it's terrible that the United States has militarized the border with Mexico. Open the border. The whole point of the NAFTA was free trade (obviously, since that's part of the acronym). If the U.S. is in favor of free trade and commerce, then it should be in favor of the free movement of labor. Labor and capital are two sides of the same coin. Policies must be consistent, or else they are simply hypocrisy.
I think it's a real shame that so many people of wealth and means are not religious. Everything you are, everything you have is due to the grace of God. To be ignorant of that is sinful pride and arrogance. Failure to give thanks for the people and things in your life, and for life itself, is a sin. I have little respect for people who think they are "the shit." God shall humble you when the time is right, and your wealth will be exposed for its worthlessness.
Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper has been getting lots of publicity, largely negative, for getting caught on camera using the "n-----" word. I condemned my friend Paul for using the word several years ago. And I stand in my position that the word should never be used. But returning to the theme of hypocrisy from above, I disrespect any person that uses the "n-----" word, including persons of African descent and/or dark skin color. Quit using the word; depending on your appearance you either sound like a racist or an ignorant, uneducated fool. If the United States is going to be the greatest country in the world, it must act like it; being or looking like a racist or ignorant, uneducated fool demonstrates the opposite of being great.
And speaking of judging others, up until I created a big hullabaloo a few months ago by speaking truth at a weekly unit meeting, my supervisor would frequently use the word "asshole" to describe men, and only men, opposing parties in cases where we considered whether to provide attorney representation to our clients (who, in these particular cases, were women). I have no tolerance for any kind of racism, sexism, or bias rooted in immutable characteristics. Quit name-calling others, you sound like an insolent adolescent. Again, if we're going to be a great nation, each and every one of us must hold ourselves to high standards of conduct, not just for ourselves as individuals, but also as mindful of the example we set for others, especially the young. Regularly calling any class or category of people an "asshole" or some other offensive word is the opposite of great; it's a base reflection of the reality television culture we live in, where people are implicitly encouraged to speak and act impulsively, often at the expense of other people's dignity.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Day to Remember
Two significant things happened today. Both are mile-markers as I approach the coming crossroads in my life. One was good and one not-so-good.
I'll start with the shitty one. While delivering a reviewed CASAC case into the mail room, I saw Anita by the mail machine. As I walked in, I said, "hi Anita!" She said hi and asked me if I was busy. I told her that I wasn't, so she followed me into my office and closed the door. She asked me if I had access to the PLA intranet site; I said no. She then told me that she had heard from Sue my position that there may be gender bias in the unit, both among the co-workers in the unit and how we assess clients' cases. I said yes, that's right. So she told me that she would send to me the link the intranet site, along with the PLA harassment policy. She said that I could make a report to her or to the chair of the board of directors. I responded by saying thanks and that I would read it. And she stood up and walked out of the office.
As soon as she walked out, I thought to myself, "really? That's it?" And, in fact, I don't remember the last time that Anita took any personal interest in me whatsoever. I don't remember the last conversation with her that consisted of more than courteous banter to fill the air and pass the time in the elevator or in the kitchen or something along those lines. Where's the interest in your employees? As the leader of an organization that's only about 40 people, how hard is it to show some direct, genuine interest every once in a while? And how about especially when an employee is dissatisfied, as I have been? That's not how you run a quality organization, one where your employees are energized to work for you, while also sincerely respecting you due to your consistency, discipline, example, and leadership. When you think of the great coaches, Vince Lombardi or Pat Summit or Phil Jackson, they're tough, but they show care for their players. That quite simply lacks at PLA. Today's sub-par episode in management is just one more strike on the (still only mental) list of grievances. I ask myself: if that's the leadership, then what does that say about the organization? Any sane man will jump off a sinking ship.
Before I get too frustrated and disappointed, let me move on to the good news, which is worthy of a new paragraph:
Jeannie told me that she's pregnant! I got home from work around 7:00pm this evening. We sat down on my bed and she asked me to finally read the card she got for me. Along with the card was a little mailbox of sorts. I opened it up and there was a pregnancy stick inside. I looked at it closely -- not fully comprehending what I was looking at I don't think -- and saw two lines, indicating "pregnant." I looked at Jeannie, probably in astonishment, and then I kissed her. We talked about it for a while and I told her that I was very happy to be with her and whatever happens we'll be together and go through it together. I told her that I have faith in God, so we'll just take it as it comes and go from there. Obviously this is something I could write about on and on, but I won't do that, mainly because Jeannie is upstairs waiting for me now, but also because I need more time to let it sink in. I guess you can say that today was a momentous day! I will say that I feel happy. As always, I pray for God to guide me (and us).
I'll start with the shitty one. While delivering a reviewed CASAC case into the mail room, I saw Anita by the mail machine. As I walked in, I said, "hi Anita!" She said hi and asked me if I was busy. I told her that I wasn't, so she followed me into my office and closed the door. She asked me if I had access to the PLA intranet site; I said no. She then told me that she had heard from Sue my position that there may be gender bias in the unit, both among the co-workers in the unit and how we assess clients' cases. I said yes, that's right. So she told me that she would send to me the link the intranet site, along with the PLA harassment policy. She said that I could make a report to her or to the chair of the board of directors. I responded by saying thanks and that I would read it. And she stood up and walked out of the office.
As soon as she walked out, I thought to myself, "really? That's it?" And, in fact, I don't remember the last time that Anita took any personal interest in me whatsoever. I don't remember the last conversation with her that consisted of more than courteous banter to fill the air and pass the time in the elevator or in the kitchen or something along those lines. Where's the interest in your employees? As the leader of an organization that's only about 40 people, how hard is it to show some direct, genuine interest every once in a while? And how about especially when an employee is dissatisfied, as I have been? That's not how you run a quality organization, one where your employees are energized to work for you, while also sincerely respecting you due to your consistency, discipline, example, and leadership. When you think of the great coaches, Vince Lombardi or Pat Summit or Phil Jackson, they're tough, but they show care for their players. That quite simply lacks at PLA. Today's sub-par episode in management is just one more strike on the (still only mental) list of grievances. I ask myself: if that's the leadership, then what does that say about the organization? Any sane man will jump off a sinking ship.
Before I get too frustrated and disappointed, let me move on to the good news, which is worthy of a new paragraph:
Jeannie told me that she's pregnant! I got home from work around 7:00pm this evening. We sat down on my bed and she asked me to finally read the card she got for me. Along with the card was a little mailbox of sorts. I opened it up and there was a pregnancy stick inside. I looked at it closely -- not fully comprehending what I was looking at I don't think -- and saw two lines, indicating "pregnant." I looked at Jeannie, probably in astonishment, and then I kissed her. We talked about it for a while and I told her that I was very happy to be with her and whatever happens we'll be together and go through it together. I told her that I have faith in God, so we'll just take it as it comes and go from there. Obviously this is something I could write about on and on, but I won't do that, mainly because Jeannie is upstairs waiting for me now, but also because I need more time to let it sink in. I guess you can say that today was a momentous day! I will say that I feel happy. As always, I pray for God to guide me (and us).
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