Conflicts

It's amazing that there continues to be conflict all over the world.  It was like that when I was a little kid.  It's like that now.  Why should we believe that it's ever going to be any different?  Why is there conflict at all?  One answer is that we have free will.  Another is that, for all our similarities, we want to feel unique, so we play up our differences: nationalities, political parties, religions, skin color, et cetera.  By following our own human nature and playing up our differences, rivalries and tensions develop.  An 'us-versus-them' mentality develops.  So that's another answer to why there is perpetual conflict throughout the world.  Another answer is man's tendency toward sin and temptation: especially in the form of power (pride); this stems from man's natural insecurity, both materially as an animal that strives to survive at all costs, and emotionally as beings that compensate for internal insecurity by manifesting external power.

Another issue is that no relationship, nor anything at all for that matter, is static.  The universe is dynamic.  Your body and every person's body is dynamic.  People change and thus that makes the relationship between and among people dynamic.  I can think of easy examples in my own life right off the top of my head.  In fact, it's a theme that's been on my mind a lot lately.  I perceive that my relationship with my cousin Carlos isn't what it used to be or what it could be.  When I write a short note or message to him, his responses are either stock and pithy (the latest one was simply "gracias primo") or he simply uses an emoticon (usually a 'thumbs-up' icon) to acknowledge my note without having to engage in any substantive dialogue.  Assuming my perception is really accurate, I have no idea what's going on.  Is he jealous because I got married? and/or because I've become a father?  Did I slight him in some way the last time I was in Costa Rica?  I have no clue.  I suppose I can ask him what's going on.  That would be the mature, logical thing to do.  I think I may be afraid of the answer.  But then again, the cold hard truth should always be preferable to living under a hazy assumption, shouldn't it?

Next I think of my relationship with my friend Paul.  I still consider him to be my friend, though we're not as close as we used to be.  If you look back at previous posts here, around the 2008 time frame, Paul is a major player.  We spent a lot of time together.  We traveled together, to Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, to his parents' home in Tampa, Florida, and even to Costa Rica back in the day.  I had a close relationship in those days, the late 1990s through the entire decade of the 2000s.  I kept my mouth shut on certain things that concerned me, because I enjoyed my time with him.  We had fun together.  In a very real way, at a time when we were young adults, flexing our wings (if that's even a proper saying) and coming into our own, we were each other's family -- at a time when we needed to prove our individuality separate and apart from our own respective families.  But as time passed, and perhaps when I became more comfortable in my adulthood, or perhaps wasn't having as much fun spending time and traveling with him, or perhaps when I had met other friends and thus didn't feel like I needed or depended upon my friendship with him -- whatever the case was -- I felt that I needed to communicate with him my concerns about his beliefs as expressed in words: using the word "nigger" to pejoratively describe a dark-skinned American of African descent, then a couple years later using the word "dyke" to describe a female mayor of some northern New Jersey city, either Hoboken or Jersey City.  After each separate incident, I wrote a letter by hand and sent it to him, expressing my disapproval.  Was this the right approach?  I thought so.  I still think so.  But maybe not.  Should I have talked with him face-to-face?  My main takeaway, as I write this now, is that I shouldn't invest too much time in a friend with such negative, prejudiced, and outdated beliefs.  In short: surround yourself with good people.  But then I ask myself, who am I to judge him?  Be soft on the sinner, but not on the sin!  Did I practically give up a friendship for the foolish objective of proving a principle?

This tug of war between philosophical poles happens quite frequently in my head.  I think part of it is the guilt -- justified or not -- at having effectively ended a friendship.  I think the other part is a realization that life is not guaranteed to remain static, things will change, and this logically leads to a realization, whether explicit or implicit, that life will eventually end: after all these changes and changes, death shall come.

I've written previously that a break-up from a girlfriend is very analogous to these existential realizations.  The relationship died.  It's as if the ex-girlfriend is dead, although we know damn well that she's alive somewhere, probably with some other guy already.  A break-up is a foreboding of death.  It's a terrible feeling...to be reminded of one's own mortality.  And yet we're reminded of it all the time, whether looking outwardly at all the conflict in the world, the people, the children!, being killed in war, or whether looking inwardly to our own failed relationships.  What's the answer?  I can't say I know, other than to keep on living, find something to believe in, put one's gifts and talents to the best use possible to be productive and self-fulfilling, and be with (or be open to be with) someone you love and who loves you.

Listen

The slow chugging of an engine, maybe a bus or a garbage truck.
Then, the sound of a car going by and glass clinks and clanks,
so it's probably a garbage truck. The engine chugs, and a couple
short sounds of horn, not too loud though. Another car goes by,
then a loud humming engine of a truck goes by. The slight
screech of a brake. Then, silence. My pen stops moving for a
second. But another two or maybe three cars go by. The city is
waking. But silence again. No sounds but engines and car wheels whizzing
by. Vague noises of sleepiness. What else to be heard?

San Jose, Costa Rica -- afternoon

It's kind of an eerie feeling. It's almost as if time has stopped, at least temporarily, as oxymoronic as that is. I've been alone here in Tia Zahyra's house for about the past two hours. Besides the phone ringing just once, it has been a nearly uninterrupted stagnation.

Of course, as I write this though, Mita and Tia Zahyra are walking in the door. Mita is a little upset for some reason: either because Jessica may be alone this Christmas, or that Jessica is not with us here, or that Mita is not here with Jessica, any or all of the above. For better or for worse, I have to admit that I'm surprised; Mita seemed so wrapped up in being here, barely paying me any attention. I figured that everything left in the United States was for the most part out of sight, out of mind.

But when I think about it, I believe Mita's putting on something of a front, for the purpose of convincing herself that Costa Rica is better than the United States in every possible way. But under that surface, there are apparently deeper currents. I remember being depressed when I spent Christmas here in Costa Rica two years ago. It was very difficult to be apart from my close family and friends for Christmas, and it made it even more difficult to be in a warm climate for the holidays. I felt like a stranger in a strange land. It's not a good feeling.

I hope for Jessica's sake that Pito is spending Christmas with her. So far I've been pretty stoic about the holidays this time around. Perhaps I'm putting up my defenses after my experience two years ago. Or maybe it's easier because Mita is here. I don't think it's really the latter, but I could be wrong. Or maybe it's the difference that in only 8 days Cherise will be here. I think that makes a huge difference; to look forward to something in the short-term.

Well, I should have some coffee and socialize now that there's some life here, some reassurance of time and reality.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- night

These past couple of days there have been the vaguest hints of the onset of autumn. The slightest chill in the air, especially of course at nighttime, brings with it the next set of aggregated memories, which for me consist of my keenest nostalgia.

There's just something about fall that brings me back to feelings of my childhood and adolescence. Furthermore, this year specifically, this cooler weather signals for me the official end of my latest chapter, which was embodied in my trip to Costa Rica and Nicaragua. The return to cooler weather signifies my return to North American weather. The sentient feeling on my skin impels my mind to the constant memory that I am far away from the Equator. And so it goes.

I must set my sights on new horizons, be they domestic or foreign, literal or figurative. For now all continues to seem stagnant, which is not necessarily a bad thing at present: I have been desiring some stability for the time being. But life always seems stagnant when looking outward with a short-sighted vision.

Extending my vision, my considerations primarily include law school, but I'm still reluctant to voluntarily enter a form of economic enslavement. It's diametric counterpart is the consideration of travelling extensively through Europe. But that idea always carries with it the fear of an unstable life that is not moving toward any productive end. Nevertheless, the allure of travel and adventure calls out to me seductively enough.

At this point in time, I am content to accept that this decision, as with all others, will be made at its appropriate time, when the context and circumstances surrounding it may be totally difficult. That is partly the nature of existentialism, to which I faithfully adhere. Essentially, I am not presently in the position to have to make a decision, and so I am free to ponder, either dreamily or stressfully, all of the possibilities. What the future may hold I am eager to find out. When it comes to action, I will advance confidently in the direction of my dreams, to paraphrase Thoreau. The rest will naturally fall into place.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- night

So another weekend has passed, this being a Sunday night. Its times like this that I feel I'm stuck in samsara, destined to eternally live for the weekends but always wondering at their conclusion how long the cycle will last.

And of course, I look back and wonder 'how' and 'why' I spent so much money. I have to be mindful of my spending since my rent here is higher than it had been at 2008. So far, I seem to be stuck in a financial quagmire, generally the same amount going out as is coming in. That's a very precarious way of living and I really need to consider curtailing my consumption (both the alcoholic and financial types since they go hand-in-hand). I have to put more focus toward my goals of furnishing and finishing my apartment, and then making a somewhat costly investment in purchasing a personal computer. But these are all material desires.

I am quite happy these days, but sometimes when I am alone, I am confronted with the seeds of my discontent: the loneliness in which I contemplate and the instability of life itself. I wonder what its all about. I ponder my purported goals and then wonder what my goals should be. I think about what is really important in life. And eventually I drive myself to the point of feeling lost and alone. From there, my thoughts drift toward the trivial tasks of tomorrow, toward women and lust, or toward lofty dreams of a glorious future. And one of those three, then, usually carries me into temporary unconsciousness. And so it goes.

Samara, Costa Rica -- afternoon

Today is a day to take it easy. The skin on my upper back is tender from being in the sun and the water all day yesterday. So I'm hanging out in the shade of Clara's house with Ronald. I just opened a can of tuna with my knife while Ronald cut slices of bread for our lunch. We ended the meal with pieces of fresh watermelon.

After writing this, I'll do some reading, then walk down the beach to get a guanabana con leche. Then around 4pm, when the sun is not so strong, I'll get into the water.

My plan now is to leave for Nosara tomorrow morning, and stay there until Monday morning, when I will return to San Jose, thereby ending my solo trip. I left San Jose on February 13th, so I've been on the road for a month. However, in a lot of ways, its seemed longer. I really enjoyed the trip, despite a few difficulties. But that is to be expected.

My desire to travel has only grown. And now I have solid experience to learn for my next trip. I would like to go to Europe, and I would also like to visit the northwestern part of South America: Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, and Bolivia. And I also want to complete a tour of Central America, also visiting some southern parts of Mexico. For all this, I need time and money. My goal now is to devise a plan to realize these aspirations. Presently, I'm thinking of going to Europe in a year, around next May 2004. That will give me a solid year to save money and accumulate vacation time. Of course, anything is possible.

But returning to my feelings from this trip, it is strange to think that this chapter is nearly over. If all goes according to plan, Paul will arrive in San Jose this coming Wednesday, and we'll tour Costa Rica. But of course it will be different to travel with someone else. In many ways, I'm looking forward to it. However, to take full advantage of his 10-day vacation, the time must be more regimented. So, in that way, I'm losing the freedom and flexibility that I have enjoyed for the past month.

And now, in just over two weeks, I return to the United States. I look forward to that for two reasons: for Mita and for stability. But I absolutely can't deny that I will miss this current lifestyle. There have been so many occasions where I have felt so happy and so free; it is an amazing feeling. When I experience the pure beauty of nature, or a cool tropical drink, or an enlightening conversation with a Tico or Nica or European, or the excitement of hitting the road to a new place: all these things make me feel so good, so alive. The purpose of life must be one's happiness, without threatening or denying the happiness of another. If this definition is correct, then I am fulfilling life's purpose here. However, perhaps there is more to life. I shall now sit on the cliff overlooking the ocean to ponder that point. And all the while, I will be happy.

Samara, Costa Rica -- night

Let me take this opportunity right now to say how great it is to be alive. Whoever may read these words (even if it be only myself) must realize this and strive to never, not for a moment, take life for granted.

San Jose, Costa Rica -- night

I think it's interesting that I haven't felt lonely or depressed since I've been here. To a certain extent, I'm definitely surprised. On the other hand, though, I've gotten used to feeling solitary since the end of my last relationship.

One of my intentions of leaving my comfortable life in the United States was to embrace that solitude. By doing so, I hoped to find myself, as the cliche goes. I wanted to be comfortable with myself primarily for my own sake. At a secondary level, though, if I ever enter into another relationship, it would only be fair and respectful to that woman that I be centered and confident with myself. That second point, however, I do not expect or anticipate. At that level, I may very well be lonely, but not realize it completely, feeling comfortably numb.

What concerns me most at this point is my direction in life. Although I am not completely aimless, since I have values and dreams, I do feel lost. Unfortunately there are no want-ads in the paper looking for applicants to change the world. Since my primary aim is not to accumulate as much money as possible, my options are not so clearly delineated. I absolutely must maintain faith: faith in God and faith in myself. From that conviction, my first premise must be action, movement. With that action, and the contacts and experiences that will necessarily arise, I will derive a clearer vision of my path.

My philosophy, or outlook on life, has taken a definite turn to existentialism. Perhaps it is for this reason that I am so comfortably numb. Since the future affects me, at best, in a vague manner, it doesn't play much of a factor in my considerations. At this point, my philosophy only gives me a vision to the present and the immediate future.

Here are some lines that I jotted down the other day: "Life consists of the present and an anticipation of the immediate future. The past and the future exist only as a type of imagination, a manifestation of a distorted reality. Therefore, to exist simply and solely as a memory is to be dead in all practical terms, if not also in the present physical reality. For the one holding the memory, the former is a certainty; the latter, from that perspective, cannot be ascertained and is therefore as good as true."

Poneloya, Nicaragua

Eternal. Inconsequent. These two ideas are dominating my thoughts as I sit here on the beach gazing out on the Pacific. Eternal: the ocean, the clouds, the sand, the cliffs, the SUN. Inconsequent: ME, and every other life-form sharing this existence with ME. Just as a grain of sand is an inconsequential part of the beach, or as a drop of water is an inconsequential part of the ocean, so am I an inconsequential part of humanity. Or am I???

If by some force, some impetus, all the grains of sand or all the drops of water collectively worked together to achieve some common goal, a huge, insuperable force will have been created. So, by the same manner, if every part of humanity, every man and woman, worked together collectively to achieve some common goal, a huge, insuperable force will have been created. The true mystery remains, however, in finding the impetus for that collectivization, that bringing together of humankind.

Just as every empire has fallen, there are two key components. Social systems fall apart due to internal strife and external pressures. Likewise, for a global community to form, there must be internal and external forces. Unfortunately, this almost improbably means catastrophe, which assumes that catastrophic, traumatic effects will continue for too long to provide an opportunity for stable collectivization. Despite, the logic, reasoning, and goodwill of humankind should, and must, suffice to make up this difference. Internal and external causes will most likely be needed to provide the spark, but those intangible qualities which humankind has been blessed with will complete the total instigative force. I am convinced that this world and its people can live in peace and can live equally. Every one has to want it, desire it in his/her own heart and mind. To achieve this mentality, education and communication of the highest degree are necessary. Then, in the institution of the new society, equality of the highest degree is absolutely requisite. One day it shall be. It MUST. One day it shall be . . .

Before closing this entry, I must remark an a young boy who just approached me for one cordoba. Of course I gave him nothing, as everyone should earn, in one form or another, his/her earnings. But, it saddens me that the present order creates a reality in which people have to lower themselves to beggars. I told the boy that I could see in his eyes that he was intelligent. He walked away. Perhaps he construed it as my acknowledging his begging as a business, and not true 'begging.' Either way, not one person should ever have to lower themselves. We are all equals. Every soul is equally valuable. Therefore, the house of each soul should be treated as such . . .

One final thought: a ladybug has landed on my leg as I write this and the SUN shines brightly.