San Jose, Costa Rica -- night

I think it's interesting that I haven't felt lonely or depressed since I've been here. To a certain extent, I'm definitely surprised. On the other hand, though, I've gotten used to feeling solitary since the end of my last relationship.

One of my intentions of leaving my comfortable life in the United States was to embrace that solitude. By doing so, I hoped to find myself, as the cliche goes. I wanted to be comfortable with myself primarily for my own sake. At a secondary level, though, if I ever enter into another relationship, it would only be fair and respectful to that woman that I be centered and confident with myself. That second point, however, I do not expect or anticipate. At that level, I may very well be lonely, but not realize it completely, feeling comfortably numb.

What concerns me most at this point is my direction in life. Although I am not completely aimless, since I have values and dreams, I do feel lost. Unfortunately there are no want-ads in the paper looking for applicants to change the world. Since my primary aim is not to accumulate as much money as possible, my options are not so clearly delineated. I absolutely must maintain faith: faith in God and faith in myself. From that conviction, my first premise must be action, movement. With that action, and the contacts and experiences that will necessarily arise, I will derive a clearer vision of my path.

My philosophy, or outlook on life, has taken a definite turn to existentialism. Perhaps it is for this reason that I am so comfortably numb. Since the future affects me, at best, in a vague manner, it doesn't play much of a factor in my considerations. At this point, my philosophy only gives me a vision to the present and the immediate future.

Here are some lines that I jotted down the other day: "Life consists of the present and an anticipation of the immediate future. The past and the future exist only as a type of imagination, a manifestation of a distorted reality. Therefore, to exist simply and solely as a memory is to be dead in all practical terms, if not also in the present physical reality. For the one holding the memory, the former is a certainty; the latter, from that perspective, cannot be ascertained and is therefore as good as true."