Hope for the Future

This past Monday, March 17, 2014, at 10:57pm, my friend M. Williams wrote a note to me on facebook, in response to my birthday greeting to him.  He wrote:

"You're welcome; actually, I held back...I didn't want to embarrass you. You see, you have transformative talents, skills and abilities - you're a phenomenal person; I don't know many people who are "game-changers" like you. [My Name], there will be opportunities in your future to lead - which is perfect, because you will be an AMAZING leader. Whether it be in the governmental, private or public sectors, you are destined to be A Great Leader. It is a privilege and an honor to see all of this coalesce around you; it's a privilege and an honor to know you - heck, to know someone LIKE you!"

It meant a lot to me to get that kind of positive feedback.  There are times when I feel that I have the ability to be a leader: the desire to help others, to be a good listener to understand what others need, the communication skills (writing especially, but also speaking) to convey a message, and the will to go up against anyone without fear.  But at my current job I never get any kind of positive feedback.  Instead, if I'm not ignored or taken for granted, I'm put down.  I'll never forget how Sue put me down some time in 2013 by criticizing the tone of my emails.  Other than occasionally saying "good night" when she passes my office, Anita doesn't speak with me.  Neither my supervisor Sue nor our executive director Anita has ever complimented my job as an attorney or my job as a supervising attorney of a law clinic.  Neither Sue nor Anita have approached me to talk about my career development or my future in the organization.  Never -- at least not since I returned for my current stint as an attorney -- has either one given me the kind of compliment above from my friend.

Just yesterday, I met with a client of mine, an Egyptian woman, who I had represented relatively early in my current stint.  I haven't even seen her for at least a couple years.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that I closed her last case in 2011.  When I went out to the waiting room to bring her back to my office, she was smiling so big, she was so happy to see me.  And totally unexpectedly, she presented a couple gifts to me, items from Egypt, one a business card holder and the other a jewelry box.  It meant so much to me, more than I can really convey by typing into this blog.  I was very happy.  Her huge smile (happier than I ever remember her looking) made me smile so big, the kind of smile that I rarely have in that office.

Those are the kinds of experiences that keep my head above water in that office.  The praise and respect and gratitude that I get from clients and the Court are what make me believe in myself.  The energy and attention, or lack thereof, that I get from the leadership in my office makes me doubt myself; it hurts my self-esteem.  It's a shitty situation.  But I persevere because there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and the grace of God, through my clients and the Court, buoys my faith in the future.