A few thoughts on recent days

Work
I'm so tired of thinking about it and writing about it, but I dislike my work environment.  As I mentioned to Jeannie when I came home from work tonight, I'm just not happy.  It's not fun to be there.  I think back to my first couple years there, when I had fun and my true personality shined.  I would joke around at unit meetings; in fact, I still have cards from the law students at the end of the summer, writing about how my joking around made the unit meetings fun.  I was a lot more comfortable in my role.  I had optimism.  I felt good about myself, and others seemed to believe in me, which also made me feel good.  Now, aside from Richard and Diane, I don't trust anyone completely.  I don't feel appreciated.  Even deeper than that, I feel like people don't like me.

My self-esteem is damaged; I feel like whenever the opportunity presents itself, Sue finds a way to criticize me or find something wrong with what I've done.  At the unit meeting just two days ago, on Monday, Sue criticized me in front of everyone there by saying that the law student, whose client's case we were reviewing, had improperly identified the issuing judge.  I angrily stated that the law students know that Judge Dougherty doesn't sit at 34 South 11th Street.

What I should have replied was simply two words: "K____ Bacon."  I supervise 20 law students, who are only required to be in the office for three (3) hours per week.  Sue, on the other hand, supervises only 3, or at most 4, paralegals who are in the office full-time, thus 40 hours per week.  At the end of 12 months, paralegal K. Bacon, under Sue's supervision!, didn't know shit.  She sucked as a paralegal.  In kinder, more accurate terms, she was completely incompetent.  And yet, Sue finds any opportunity to criticize a minor point, to suggest that I'm not doing the best job as supervising attorney.

The bottom line is that the law clinic is operating at its highest level in its existence; I certainly cannot take all the credit, but it's on my clock.  Under my supervision, the student advocates provide more pro se legal assistance, especially in terms of educating the clients of the relevant law in Pennsylvania and arming them with copies of the actual law (statutes) itself, than ever before in the history of the law clinic.  Sue sucks as supervisor.  That's the bottom line.

And what's a shame is that last week's unit meeting, on Monday, March 17, 2014, when Sue wasn't present, was the best unit meeting -- for me, at least -- in a very long time.  I felt free to talk and offer my analysis on cases.  I felt a part of the unit.  I felt comfortable, for the most part, with my co-workers there.  It's quite ironic that Sue is like an abuser, I feel safe when she's not around.

If you have a moldy loaf of bread, you're not going to eat it.  Even if the mold is concentrated in one or a couple spots, the safe thing is not to eat the bread.  You throw out the whole loaf of bread and get a new loaf that doesn't have any mold.  That's the sensible thing to do, to protect your own health.

Faith
Earlier today, after seeing an inspirational meme/image on facebook, I looked up Psalm 27.  With everything on my mind from work, it really gave me strength and perspective.  Here I copy Psalm 27 from the The Message:

Light, space, zest—
    that’s God!
So, with him on my side I’m fearless,
    afraid of no one and nothing.

    When vandal hordes ride down
    ready to eat me alive,
Those bullies and toughs
    fall flat on their faces.

When besieged,
    I’m calm as a baby.
When all hell breaks loose,
    I’m collected and cool.

I’m asking God for one thing,
    only one thing:
To live with him in his house
    my whole life long.
I’ll contemplate his beauty;
    I’ll study at his feet.

That’s the only quiet, secure place
    in a noisy world,
The perfect getaway,
    far from the buzz of traffic.

God holds me head and shoulders
    above all who try to pull me down.
I’m headed for his place to offer anthems
    that will raise the roof!
Already I’m singing God-songs;
    I’m making music to God.

Listen, God, I’m calling at the top of my lungs:
    “Be good to me! Answer me!”
When my heart whispered, “Seek God,”
    my whole being replied,
“I’m seeking him!”
    Don’t hide from me now!

You’ve always been right there for me;
    don’t turn your back on me now.
Don’t throw me out, don’t abandon me;
    you’ve always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
    but God took me in.

Point me down your highway, God;
    direct me along a well-lighted street;
    show my enemies whose side you’re on.
Don’t throw me to the dogs,
    those liars who are out to get me,
    filling the air with their threats.

I’m sure now I’ll see God’s goodness
    in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
    Take heart. Don’t quit.
I’ll say it again:
    Stay with God.

Daughter
With all the shit that swirls through my brain from the bullshit I'm surrounded by at work, I can say with faith in God that this is an exciting time in my life.  I'm very excited to meet my beautiful daughter, very likely one day within the next couple weeks.  I want to meet her and start getting to know her.  I want to be there for her and love her from the moment I meet her.

I'm excited to think that this is a relationship that is unique and hopefully, God willing, last many years.  So to begin that relationship any day now is very exciting.  It's also very exciting and emotional to think that the birth of my daughter will really make real the birth, creation, and development of my very own family, something that I could only dream about a couple years ago.

I thank God with my whole heart and soul  for these blessings, after the hard lessons that I've lived through and, reading above, through which I'm still living.  I know and accept that life cannot and will not always be smooth sailing, but that there are moments -- like the impending birth of my daughter -- that make it all worth it and will far outshine all the trials and bad energy.