Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Facebook status update
It wasn't until I was walking in the door at work, wondering why everyone was looking at me kinda funny, that I realized I forgot to put on pants this morning!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Checkin' back in
Hey folks, how's it going? Here's the deal: for at least the past month I've had to come to the coffeeshop in order to connect to internet, and that's the reason I haven't been posting too much.
Things have been pretty chill, still working on that project in a Center City firm, but wondering how much longer that's gonna last, hoping that it lasts until the end of March, if I'm a lucky duck. But just this past Saturday I officially submitted my online registration for what would be a career track; I applied to take the foreign service officer test. I'll sit for the exam this June, and depending on how well I do, I'll likely be asked two or three months after that to go to Washington, D.C. to take the oral exam. By the beginning of 2010, there's a decent chance that I'll be working in a foreign country. So keep your fingers crossed for me, thanks!
This past Saturday night, Corey and Evan came into town to visit me. The brief run-down of where we went (purely for the purposes of my own recollection) was: Sidecar, Ten Stone, Parc, Alfa, and Denim. Needless to say, that last place should trigger the correct guess that it was a late night; didn't get back to the double-deuce until somewhere around 4am. Although I did a vodka shot at Ten Stone and an Irish car bomb shot at Alfa, I wasn't completely out of my brain; I can say with confidence, though, that I was feeling pretty toasty by the end of our long evening.
Well, the other nice thing about this past weekend was that the weather was pretty nice: our first real taste of spring with temps near 70 on Saturday. Corey got into 30th Street Station at 2:30pm, and after I dropped-off some groceries from Trader Joe's, we walked over to Rittenhouse Square to enjoy the sight of all the passers-by, especially the females. We sat there for a while, enjoying the weather and generally catching up. I suggested that we take a walk down Walnut Street, and as we were leaving the park, I heard my name; it was Teresa, my friend from Friends of Farmworkers. I haven't seen Teresa for at least a couple of years, so it was cool to see her and catch up; her future mother-in-law, as she claimed, was flying in from Puerto Rico early that evening, and she was just hanging out eating a salad before she had to catch the R1 to the airport.
Anyway, I really oughtta get going home now. I'm representing one of my clients at a child support hearing tomorrow morning and I need to go home to eat dinner and do some final, last-minute prep for the hearing. The feeling I get the night before a hearing, and as I go to it, are very similar to the hyped-up feelings I got before football games in high school and college; there's a certain acute awareness that's part adrenaline rush and part psychological coming-into-focus for the big event. As much as I didn't want to represent this guy at tomorrow's hearing (because, in my estimation, this will likely be my first-ever true loser of a case), I'm happy for the primed feeling that I'm already starting to feel. Oh well, if I can possibly get back in here sooner than a month from now, I'll let you know how it goes. Peace out, friendly readers, and I hope all is well in your corner of the world!
Things have been pretty chill, still working on that project in a Center City firm, but wondering how much longer that's gonna last, hoping that it lasts until the end of March, if I'm a lucky duck. But just this past Saturday I officially submitted my online registration for what would be a career track; I applied to take the foreign service officer test. I'll sit for the exam this June, and depending on how well I do, I'll likely be asked two or three months after that to go to Washington, D.C. to take the oral exam. By the beginning of 2010, there's a decent chance that I'll be working in a foreign country. So keep your fingers crossed for me, thanks!
This past Saturday night, Corey and Evan came into town to visit me. The brief run-down of where we went (purely for the purposes of my own recollection) was: Sidecar, Ten Stone, Parc, Alfa, and Denim. Needless to say, that last place should trigger the correct guess that it was a late night; didn't get back to the double-deuce until somewhere around 4am. Although I did a vodka shot at Ten Stone and an Irish car bomb shot at Alfa, I wasn't completely out of my brain; I can say with confidence, though, that I was feeling pretty toasty by the end of our long evening.
Well, the other nice thing about this past weekend was that the weather was pretty nice: our first real taste of spring with temps near 70 on Saturday. Corey got into 30th Street Station at 2:30pm, and after I dropped-off some groceries from Trader Joe's, we walked over to Rittenhouse Square to enjoy the sight of all the passers-by, especially the females. We sat there for a while, enjoying the weather and generally catching up. I suggested that we take a walk down Walnut Street, and as we were leaving the park, I heard my name; it was Teresa, my friend from Friends of Farmworkers. I haven't seen Teresa for at least a couple of years, so it was cool to see her and catch up; her future mother-in-law, as she claimed, was flying in from Puerto Rico early that evening, and she was just hanging out eating a salad before she had to catch the R1 to the airport.
Anyway, I really oughtta get going home now. I'm representing one of my clients at a child support hearing tomorrow morning and I need to go home to eat dinner and do some final, last-minute prep for the hearing. The feeling I get the night before a hearing, and as I go to it, are very similar to the hyped-up feelings I got before football games in high school and college; there's a certain acute awareness that's part adrenaline rush and part psychological coming-into-focus for the big event. As much as I didn't want to represent this guy at tomorrow's hearing (because, in my estimation, this will likely be my first-ever true loser of a case), I'm happy for the primed feeling that I'm already starting to feel. Oh well, if I can possibly get back in here sooner than a month from now, I'll let you know how it goes. Peace out, friendly readers, and I hope all is well in your corner of the world!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Whoa, look who it is!!!
It's been a lil while, huh? Well, let's catch-up. Since my last post, not too much has been going on. I've been working ridiculous hours, billing almost sixty hours per week. This leaves me with very little time, and usually even less energy to post anything on to the blog, or do anything on internet for that matter. On the extracurricular side, I've gone to a couple Temple men's basketball games, both of which they won. And I've gone out a couple random times to get a few beers. Speaking of which, I went out last night to meet up with Tobin (who I hope is pleased now that I've put up some new material) and two of his girl-friends at McGillin's, on Drury Street between 12th and 13th Streets, in the section of the city that certain people are now calling "Midtown Village." After working for a good chunk of my Saturday, I had enough energy left at the end of the day to drink three beers and have some good conversation with those guys. So what else is going on? I'm just focusing on working a lot (since there's a tentative end-date to this project), and thereby trying to make a bunch of dough. As I said last night, it really sucks that when I have lots of free time, I'm very money-conscious and I don't wanna do anything that isn't free, but when I'm acquiring greenbacks, I'm so busy or tired that I don't wanna do anything other than rest up, or try to catch up on the invariably neverending list of personal things to do. On that topic, I'm in the coffeeshop right now, about to make some more progress on some online registrations. So in the interest of actually making that progress, I'm gonna end this post here. I promise that I'll try to post weekly. In the meantime, live long and prosper!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Positivity
"Life comes in phases, take the good with the bad."
"Sometimes life, it seems to stall, but never be ungrateful, y'all."
A couple of quotes from songs by the Beastie Boys, arguably my favorite music group due to their playful humor, diversity of musical genres, and occasional bits of wisdom (such as the above) to be found as nuggets throughout their songs.
Anyone who's been keeping up with me lately knows that there has been a decent amount of negativity in my life lately, much of it admittedly brought on by myself. Hey, I never said I was perfect, and just as every single one of us (unless you're God) must do, there's always room for improvement and making progress.
And speaking of making progress, I was hired today to join a project at the Philadelphia offices of one of the 15 largest law firms in the world. I interviewed with one of their associates just yesterday, and today I got the good news that they want me on-board. Of course I said yes. As is the nature of these projects, there will be an end date. But that's not a bad thing by any measure. In emotional terms, it gives me some purpose on a day-to-day basis, and brings me into daily contact with other people; perhaps I'll even make some new friends. In financial terms, of course I'll be earning more by working than what I'd been receiving in unemployment benefits (as not insignificant as they - surprisingly - were), and even better than that I'll be making even more than I was making at the end of my last project. Looking at the bigger picture, though, the greatest benefit to this project is that it takes the edge off of the urgent pressure to fulfill one of my top two pre-eminent new year's resolutions: to begin a career track (the other resolution being to be a better communicator, as that has hurt too many people, including myself). Don't get me wrong, even though I got this job, there will continue to be a certain steady determination to begin a career track. I already have a good idea as to what I would like to pursue, i.e. where my unique skills and personality traits best suit me to work. At the superstititious risk of jinxing myself, though, I'll keep these dreams and aspirations in reserve until I at least begin to make more substantive progress in real, material terms to achieving those goals. As with any true resolution, I know that I have to consciously focus on making progress toward fulfilling the objective that the resolution represents.
Anyway, I'm here at Good Karma cafe, typing these very words, and hoping that I can begin to soak up some good karma. As I wrote in an email to my friend, Lisa, in Dubai, earlier this evening: the Eagles are feeding off of the cautious optimism of the city of Philadelphia, an optimism that is no longer dulled by cynicism as it was in the past, due to the Phillies' breaking the championship ice just a few months ago. The cynical, self-defeating edge to past optimism has been largely defused by the Phillies, so now there's just the good energy of truly "believing". Let's all root for the Eagles, and for the growth of that positivity in the city of brotherly love. E-A-G-L-E-S, go Eagles!!! And may we all turn the page to a positive, happy and healthy new year.
"Sometimes life, it seems to stall, but never be ungrateful, y'all."
A couple of quotes from songs by the Beastie Boys, arguably my favorite music group due to their playful humor, diversity of musical genres, and occasional bits of wisdom (such as the above) to be found as nuggets throughout their songs.
Anyone who's been keeping up with me lately knows that there has been a decent amount of negativity in my life lately, much of it admittedly brought on by myself. Hey, I never said I was perfect, and just as every single one of us (unless you're God) must do, there's always room for improvement and making progress.
And speaking of making progress, I was hired today to join a project at the Philadelphia offices of one of the 15 largest law firms in the world. I interviewed with one of their associates just yesterday, and today I got the good news that they want me on-board. Of course I said yes. As is the nature of these projects, there will be an end date. But that's not a bad thing by any measure. In emotional terms, it gives me some purpose on a day-to-day basis, and brings me into daily contact with other people; perhaps I'll even make some new friends. In financial terms, of course I'll be earning more by working than what I'd been receiving in unemployment benefits (as not insignificant as they - surprisingly - were), and even better than that I'll be making even more than I was making at the end of my last project. Looking at the bigger picture, though, the greatest benefit to this project is that it takes the edge off of the urgent pressure to fulfill one of my top two pre-eminent new year's resolutions: to begin a career track (the other resolution being to be a better communicator, as that has hurt too many people, including myself). Don't get me wrong, even though I got this job, there will continue to be a certain steady determination to begin a career track. I already have a good idea as to what I would like to pursue, i.e. where my unique skills and personality traits best suit me to work. At the superstititious risk of jinxing myself, though, I'll keep these dreams and aspirations in reserve until I at least begin to make more substantive progress in real, material terms to achieving those goals. As with any true resolution, I know that I have to consciously focus on making progress toward fulfilling the objective that the resolution represents.
Anyway, I'm here at Good Karma cafe, typing these very words, and hoping that I can begin to soak up some good karma. As I wrote in an email to my friend, Lisa, in Dubai, earlier this evening: the Eagles are feeding off of the cautious optimism of the city of Philadelphia, an optimism that is no longer dulled by cynicism as it was in the past, due to the Phillies' breaking the championship ice just a few months ago. The cynical, self-defeating edge to past optimism has been largely defused by the Phillies, so now there's just the good energy of truly "believing". Let's all root for the Eagles, and for the growth of that positivity in the city of brotherly love. E-A-G-L-E-S, go Eagles!!! And may we all turn the page to a positive, happy and healthy new year.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
6.2 earthquake in Costa Rica
Just this past Thursday, a 6.2 earthquake struck Costa Rica. The epicenter was located 10 kilometers east of Volcan Poas. My Tia Tere lives just a few miles from Poas. Fortunately I received an email from my cousin Yorlen yesterday saying that they had spoken with Tia Tere, and although there was a lot of structural damage to the homes and buildings where she lives, everyone was safe and sound, thank God. Yorlen said that in San Jose, the capital city (where she lives), the earthquake felt strong and lasted a long time.
Last time I checked on the website of La Nacion, there are at least 15 dead and over 100 people missing as a result of the earthquake. Several people, including a couple of tourists, died at a waterfall: Catarata La Paz. Last time I was in Costa Rica, in August 2007, we drove past that waterfall through some really treacherously winding roads through the mountains of la Cordillera Central. I can only try to imagine what it must have been like to be there at the time of a strong earthquake; the roads are scary enough when the ground is still.
In fact, here's a photo of my Tia Sula standing in front of Catarata La Paz, August 2007:
Please keep the people of Costa Rica in your prayers; may God save those who are missing, pray that they are found alive.
Last time I checked on the website of La Nacion, there are at least 15 dead and over 100 people missing as a result of the earthquake. Several people, including a couple of tourists, died at a waterfall: Catarata La Paz. Last time I was in Costa Rica, in August 2007, we drove past that waterfall through some really treacherously winding roads through the mountains of la Cordillera Central. I can only try to imagine what it must have been like to be there at the time of a strong earthquake; the roads are scary enough when the ground is still.
In fact, here's a photo of my Tia Sula standing in front of Catarata La Paz, August 2007:
Please keep the people of Costa Rica in your prayers; may God save those who are missing, pray that they are found alive.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Books and quotations
I'm reading the book Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein. I'm almost halfway done right now. It's not a particularly well-written book, if compared to Hemingway or Baldwin or Morrison or Dos Passos or numerous other well-acclaimed authors. But the book is serving its purpose. There is a suspenseful plot that keeps me turning the pages and it's a nice escape from everyday life. After recently reading a heavy history book, this is exactly what the doctor ordered.
I'm not too sure yet what I want to read next. Not that I have to decide for about another week, but right now I'm leaning toward either non-fiction regarding immigration issues, or some philosophy by Marcuse, or more likely than not, another good fiction work, probably a classic, like something by Cather. We'll see; I'll keep you posted.
Now, some random quotations from books that I've previously read:
"I think that humans are the products of struggles and difficulties, that problems gradually mold a person in the same way that a lathe shapes a piece of material -- in this case, the matter and spirit of a human being." -- Fidel Castro, Fidel: My Early Years
"When do we say that a man has put his life in order? It is when he has achieved an understanding of his life and conformed his conduct to what he believes to be true." -- Albert Camus, Between Hell and Reason: Essays from the Resistance Newspaper Combat, 1944-1947
"don't try to cloud my healthy eye with your melancholy breath!" -- Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer
"Each of us must be tempered in some fire. Nobody had more to do with choosing the fire that tempered me than myself, and instead of finding fault with the fire I give thanks that I had the metal to take the temper and hold it." -- Jack Black, You Can't Win
"Man lives only to learn. And if he learns it is because that is the nature of his lot, for good or bad." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge
I'm not too sure yet what I want to read next. Not that I have to decide for about another week, but right now I'm leaning toward either non-fiction regarding immigration issues, or some philosophy by Marcuse, or more likely than not, another good fiction work, probably a classic, like something by Cather. We'll see; I'll keep you posted.
Now, some random quotations from books that I've previously read:
"I think that humans are the products of struggles and difficulties, that problems gradually mold a person in the same way that a lathe shapes a piece of material -- in this case, the matter and spirit of a human being." -- Fidel Castro, Fidel: My Early Years
"When do we say that a man has put his life in order? It is when he has achieved an understanding of his life and conformed his conduct to what he believes to be true." -- Albert Camus, Between Hell and Reason: Essays from the Resistance Newspaper Combat, 1944-1947
"don't try to cloud my healthy eye with your melancholy breath!" -- Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer
"Each of us must be tempered in some fire. Nobody had more to do with choosing the fire that tempered me than myself, and instead of finding fault with the fire I give thanks that I had the metal to take the temper and hold it." -- Jack Black, You Can't Win
"Man lives only to learn. And if he learns it is because that is the nature of his lot, for good or bad." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge
Ridiculous
Reality television can really suck you in because there's always a lot of drama. But usually after watching a couple episodes in a row, you feel dumber for having watched it. That's how this whole situation has become. This is my last post on this topic, because it has gotten past the point of ridiculous.
To lie: to make a statement that one knows is false, esp. with intent to deceive. Keep this definition, straight from Webster's Dictionary, in mind as you read the following.
From the time I met Diana until I returned from my trip, I made statements based on how I felt at the time: Diana was a fun girl, she showed me a lot of attention, and we seemed to have a connection. I emailed her every single day during my trip to southeast Asia. Did I have to do that? Not at all. As the cliche goes, actions speak louder than words. During a trip to the other side of the world, where every minute of my time was precious, where I could be doing plenty of other things, every single day I emailed Diana. And not only that, but I called her on the telephone from southeast Asia more than I called my own family. Don't anyone dare call me a liar.
From the moment I met Diana until well past my birthday into mid-December, I did not kiss another girl, I did not so much as touch another girl. Again, actions speak louder than words. I respected and cared for Diana so much that I remained faithful to her for every minute of our undefined and short-lived relationship. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. So don't anyone dare call me a liar.
Part of living life means sometimes trying to figure out how you feel, even when you can't put your finger on what it is that's making you doubt or feel ambiguous. At some point toward the end of my trip (I cannot pinpoint the exact date), I began to have doubts about my relationship with Diana. Am I allowed to have doubts? Am I allowed to change my mind? I'm human, so of course I am. Any mature person understands this.
Unfortunately, after returning home, by around Thanksgiving, I had come to the conclusion that my doubts about Diana were just too big to ignore; and I knew that I had to back out of the relationship, I tried to do that as gently and respectfully as possible. Because I respected and cared for Diana, I did my best not to hurt her, although there was obviously no way to avoid all hurt.
Do I feel badly that I changed my mind? Yes, because I hurt her, but No, because I know that I made the right decision. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I never did so intentionally. If there was one mistake that I made, it was coming on too strong out of the gate. This is precisely the mistake that is causing all the caustic reactions on the part of Diana. The bottom line is that I created expectations that far exceeded what reality ended up being. For that, I sincerely apologize. It's a mistake that I know I must learn from.
Finally, I just want to address two points that Diana mentioned in a recent text message. First, her accusation that I lied to myself all along. That is absolutely not true. This would be a good time, dear reader, to refer to the definition of lie above. From beginning to end, I was honest with myself. When I felt very optimistic that the relationship was good, I expressed those feelings openly and honestly with Diana. Towards the end of the trip, when doubts started creeping in, I talked about them openly and honestly with my good friend Paul, with whom I was traveling. And when I came back and realized that those doubts became substantiated, I changed the way I was expressing myself to honestly reflect the way I was feeling: I was not going to lead-on Diana any more than I already unintentionally had. I never made any false statements to myself, nor did I ever make any false statements to Diana.
Second, Diana asked me how she has been immature in all this. I'll answer this question by giving an example from Diana's own life to illustrate. [deleted at the request of a reader].
And just as Diana went through a period of self-reflection [deleted at the request of a reader], that is just what I've done here: I went through a process of figuring out my feelings for Diana, and I made a decision to stop continuing a relationship with her. The difference with me, though: I never cheated on her. I never lied to her. I never lied to myself.
As far as all the juvenile insults flung at me by Diana's friend, they rolled right off my back. They don't even warrant a response.
I'm now done airing my dirty laundry. Look forward to future posts about football, travel, comical stories about my friends, and other nonsense. Thanks for checking in, friends!
To lie: to make a statement that one knows is false, esp. with intent to deceive. Keep this definition, straight from Webster's Dictionary, in mind as you read the following.
From the time I met Diana until I returned from my trip, I made statements based on how I felt at the time: Diana was a fun girl, she showed me a lot of attention, and we seemed to have a connection. I emailed her every single day during my trip to southeast Asia. Did I have to do that? Not at all. As the cliche goes, actions speak louder than words. During a trip to the other side of the world, where every minute of my time was precious, where I could be doing plenty of other things, every single day I emailed Diana. And not only that, but I called her on the telephone from southeast Asia more than I called my own family. Don't anyone dare call me a liar.
From the moment I met Diana until well past my birthday into mid-December, I did not kiss another girl, I did not so much as touch another girl. Again, actions speak louder than words. I respected and cared for Diana so much that I remained faithful to her for every minute of our undefined and short-lived relationship. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. So don't anyone dare call me a liar.
Part of living life means sometimes trying to figure out how you feel, even when you can't put your finger on what it is that's making you doubt or feel ambiguous. At some point toward the end of my trip (I cannot pinpoint the exact date), I began to have doubts about my relationship with Diana. Am I allowed to have doubts? Am I allowed to change my mind? I'm human, so of course I am. Any mature person understands this.
Unfortunately, after returning home, by around Thanksgiving, I had come to the conclusion that my doubts about Diana were just too big to ignore; and I knew that I had to back out of the relationship, I tried to do that as gently and respectfully as possible. Because I respected and cared for Diana, I did my best not to hurt her, although there was obviously no way to avoid all hurt.
Do I feel badly that I changed my mind? Yes, because I hurt her, but No, because I know that I made the right decision. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I never did so intentionally. If there was one mistake that I made, it was coming on too strong out of the gate. This is precisely the mistake that is causing all the caustic reactions on the part of Diana. The bottom line is that I created expectations that far exceeded what reality ended up being. For that, I sincerely apologize. It's a mistake that I know I must learn from.
Finally, I just want to address two points that Diana mentioned in a recent text message. First, her accusation that I lied to myself all along. That is absolutely not true. This would be a good time, dear reader, to refer to the definition of lie above. From beginning to end, I was honest with myself. When I felt very optimistic that the relationship was good, I expressed those feelings openly and honestly with Diana. Towards the end of the trip, when doubts started creeping in, I talked about them openly and honestly with my good friend Paul, with whom I was traveling. And when I came back and realized that those doubts became substantiated, I changed the way I was expressing myself to honestly reflect the way I was feeling: I was not going to lead-on Diana any more than I already unintentionally had. I never made any false statements to myself, nor did I ever make any false statements to Diana.
Second, Diana asked me how she has been immature in all this. I'll answer this question by giving an example from Diana's own life to illustrate. [deleted at the request of a reader].
And just as Diana went through a period of self-reflection [deleted at the request of a reader], that is just what I've done here: I went through a process of figuring out my feelings for Diana, and I made a decision to stop continuing a relationship with her. The difference with me, though: I never cheated on her. I never lied to her. I never lied to myself.
As far as all the juvenile insults flung at me by Diana's friend, they rolled right off my back. They don't even warrant a response.
I'm now done airing my dirty laundry. Look forward to future posts about football, travel, comical stories about my friends, and other nonsense. Thanks for checking in, friends!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Love hurts
Man, love really can cut both ways. Any time you give your heart to someone, you are taking a risk, whether you realize it or not, that the person to whom you are giving your heart is giving you their heart in return and that they will continue to do so. Even if you are married, don't take love for granted, because as one of my close friends just realized -- his wife left him to re-live a youth that she never really lived in the first place -- nothing is guaranteed in this life, nothing.
I couldn't sleep last night because I wanted to post my thoughts on Diana. I almost got out of bed at around 3am, but then I decided that I would just write about it today. As fate would have it, she and I chatted on IM earlier today.
A certain degree of guilt regarding Diana is what kept me up for a little while last night. I know that she's hurt by the fact that I did a complete about-face in my relationship with her. Throughout my time with her, I acted authentically, based on how I felt at the time. I did not intend that -- nor could I foresee how -- the trip would make me begin to realize certain things that would make me reconsider my relationship with her.
The real time of transition in our relationship was my first week back in Philadelphia after my return from southeast Asia at the end of November up until my birthday on December 5th. That process consisted entirely of realizing that I could not and did not want to pursue a relationship with Diana. There were certain things about her that I began to reflect on as a result of long conversations with Paul during the trip and also within my own head both during and immediately after my trip. The conclusion that I had to pause that relationship, if not stop it altogether, was reached independent of any outside influence.
It was not until after my birthday that I even began to consider anything serious with Cherise. To be unequivocally clear then: there was no overlap between Diana and Cherise in any way, shape, or form. Although I can understand from a third-person's perspective that the timing appears conveniently close, there is no connection.
I remember on my birthday that part of me wanted Diana to join me and my friends, but ultimately my true inclination was that I was still struggling with how to most gently and respectfully let her down and back off the relationship, so I didn't really want to see her on what was meant to be a fun night for me.
In our IM chat earlier today, Diana accused me of lying to her. Yet she did not and has never offered any example of when I actually lied to her. And the fact of the matter is that I never lied to her. I understand that she's saying that in an attempt to convince herself that I'm a bad guy. Although I undoubtedly hurt her by failing to live up to the expectations which I myself had played a part in setting up, I never lied. Once I realized that there were seeds of doubt and discontent on my part, I talked about them openly with one of my best friends. And I took the time to deliberate within my own head what the best course of action would be. Once I came back to Philly and saw Diana, my thoughts coalesced, and I quickly realized that the relationship was over for me. So I began delicately backing out, doing my best to do so respectfully. I didn't mention anything about Cherise, because she had nothing to do with it (in fact, Cherise would later complain that I didn't contact her when I got back from my trip, which is very true, because my complete attention was focused on Diana and how to slowly back out of that situation).
I'm legitimately angry and offended that Diana has accused me of lying. I'm a very honorable person (that's part of why I became a lawyer) and I demand truth from everyone around me as much as I'm truthful to everyone in my life, sometimes to a fault. So for someone to accuse me of lying is a major insult to me. Diana, if you read this, let's hear one concrete example of when I've lied to you.
I would truly like to clear the air with Diana and begin the new year as civil, mutually respectful acquaintances, if not friends. But to the extent that she continues to exhibit her immaturity through baseless accusations, I become less and less inclined to deal with such a person -- I simply have enough problems to deal with that I don't need more negativity piled on.
I'm observant and aware enough to realize that the end of my relationship with Diana, in combination with the competition that Cherise intentionally threw in my face at the end of the month, impelled me to assert myself toward Cherise much more than I would have otherwise done. Is that such a bad thing if I've loved Cherise all this time, despite trying to bury it or ignore it, and if Cherise still loves me too? I don't think so.
Sooner or later I would have come to the conclusion that I should not pursue a relationship with Diana, regardless of anything and everything and everyone else. Looking objectively at my purpose in her life, I think I was meant to help her break up with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was mired in a stagnant and unfulfilling relationship.
I feel sorry for hurting her and for letting her down. But I was honest at every step of the way, from the beginning when things were fresh to the end when I realized that it just wasn't right. Although I certainly feel sorry for hurting Diana's feelings, I cannot be sorry for being honest with myself and with those effected by me.
I couldn't sleep last night because I wanted to post my thoughts on Diana. I almost got out of bed at around 3am, but then I decided that I would just write about it today. As fate would have it, she and I chatted on IM earlier today.
A certain degree of guilt regarding Diana is what kept me up for a little while last night. I know that she's hurt by the fact that I did a complete about-face in my relationship with her. Throughout my time with her, I acted authentically, based on how I felt at the time. I did not intend that -- nor could I foresee how -- the trip would make me begin to realize certain things that would make me reconsider my relationship with her.
The real time of transition in our relationship was my first week back in Philadelphia after my return from southeast Asia at the end of November up until my birthday on December 5th. That process consisted entirely of realizing that I could not and did not want to pursue a relationship with Diana. There were certain things about her that I began to reflect on as a result of long conversations with Paul during the trip and also within my own head both during and immediately after my trip. The conclusion that I had to pause that relationship, if not stop it altogether, was reached independent of any outside influence.
It was not until after my birthday that I even began to consider anything serious with Cherise. To be unequivocally clear then: there was no overlap between Diana and Cherise in any way, shape, or form. Although I can understand from a third-person's perspective that the timing appears conveniently close, there is no connection.
I remember on my birthday that part of me wanted Diana to join me and my friends, but ultimately my true inclination was that I was still struggling with how to most gently and respectfully let her down and back off the relationship, so I didn't really want to see her on what was meant to be a fun night for me.
In our IM chat earlier today, Diana accused me of lying to her. Yet she did not and has never offered any example of when I actually lied to her. And the fact of the matter is that I never lied to her. I understand that she's saying that in an attempt to convince herself that I'm a bad guy. Although I undoubtedly hurt her by failing to live up to the expectations which I myself had played a part in setting up, I never lied. Once I realized that there were seeds of doubt and discontent on my part, I talked about them openly with one of my best friends. And I took the time to deliberate within my own head what the best course of action would be. Once I came back to Philly and saw Diana, my thoughts coalesced, and I quickly realized that the relationship was over for me. So I began delicately backing out, doing my best to do so respectfully. I didn't mention anything about Cherise, because she had nothing to do with it (in fact, Cherise would later complain that I didn't contact her when I got back from my trip, which is very true, because my complete attention was focused on Diana and how to slowly back out of that situation).
I'm legitimately angry and offended that Diana has accused me of lying. I'm a very honorable person (that's part of why I became a lawyer) and I demand truth from everyone around me as much as I'm truthful to everyone in my life, sometimes to a fault. So for someone to accuse me of lying is a major insult to me. Diana, if you read this, let's hear one concrete example of when I've lied to you.
I would truly like to clear the air with Diana and begin the new year as civil, mutually respectful acquaintances, if not friends. But to the extent that she continues to exhibit her immaturity through baseless accusations, I become less and less inclined to deal with such a person -- I simply have enough problems to deal with that I don't need more negativity piled on.
I'm observant and aware enough to realize that the end of my relationship with Diana, in combination with the competition that Cherise intentionally threw in my face at the end of the month, impelled me to assert myself toward Cherise much more than I would have otherwise done. Is that such a bad thing if I've loved Cherise all this time, despite trying to bury it or ignore it, and if Cherise still loves me too? I don't think so.
Sooner or later I would have come to the conclusion that I should not pursue a relationship with Diana, regardless of anything and everything and everyone else. Looking objectively at my purpose in her life, I think I was meant to help her break up with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was mired in a stagnant and unfulfilling relationship.
I feel sorry for hurting her and for letting her down. But I was honest at every step of the way, from the beginning when things were fresh to the end when I realized that it just wasn't right. Although I certainly feel sorry for hurting Diana's feelings, I cannot be sorry for being honest with myself and with those effected by me.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A lil lighter
The last two posts have been on the heavy side. New Year's Eve was as terrible as I thought it would be, despite going out with a friend of mine to a local watering hole. But hey, that was '08; that's old news.
It's a new year, and that means turning over a new leaf, at least in terms of outlook and attitude. I've resolved to be a better communicator, keeping in more frequent contact with my family and friends. The one positive that I can take from all the negative of the past week or so is the realization that when times get rough, I will oftentimes retreat within myself. And that a lot of what happened recently is a direct result of failing to communicate my feelings during a time of separation. Cherise lost a lot of faith in me because, as far as she could see through her eyes, I basically abandoned her; all she could naturally assume was that I didn't really care about her too much. And believe me, this exact same paradigm has definitely affected my relationships with my family and friends. I want to change this, and I hope to God that this is the year that I can make that change. I want to foster better relationships with my family and close friends, and as far as Cherise, I will make sure to keep in touch, and take comfort in the fact that whatever will happen, will indeed happen.
I went to the gym earlier today. This was my third visit in four days, but before that I hadn't gone since October 31st. The gym is a good way to blow off steam and I know that it makes me feel good when I'm in good shape. I'm gonna keep that up consistently, as I always did before my trip to southeast Asia. Knowing myself as I do, I should be close to good form in about two weeks. By the end of the month, I should be lifting close to my max weight.
A funny thing, though, from the gym earlier today. The radio was broken, so there was complete silence. Well, at least until a tough guy came down to use the squat rack, and began screaming at himself at the end of every set. This kind of thing reminded me of my college weight room. For those that don't know, I played football in high school and college. So being around my teammates, I was exposed to the archetypal meathead, and it always made me laugh when they screamed in the weight room. And for some reason, it's almost always during squats. Great stuff.
Well, that's all I feel like posting today. Speaking of football, I wanna get home soon to watch the NFL wild-card playoff games.
Here's to a healthy and happy '09. Cheers!
It's a new year, and that means turning over a new leaf, at least in terms of outlook and attitude. I've resolved to be a better communicator, keeping in more frequent contact with my family and friends. The one positive that I can take from all the negative of the past week or so is the realization that when times get rough, I will oftentimes retreat within myself. And that a lot of what happened recently is a direct result of failing to communicate my feelings during a time of separation. Cherise lost a lot of faith in me because, as far as she could see through her eyes, I basically abandoned her; all she could naturally assume was that I didn't really care about her too much. And believe me, this exact same paradigm has definitely affected my relationships with my family and friends. I want to change this, and I hope to God that this is the year that I can make that change. I want to foster better relationships with my family and close friends, and as far as Cherise, I will make sure to keep in touch, and take comfort in the fact that whatever will happen, will indeed happen.
I went to the gym earlier today. This was my third visit in four days, but before that I hadn't gone since October 31st. The gym is a good way to blow off steam and I know that it makes me feel good when I'm in good shape. I'm gonna keep that up consistently, as I always did before my trip to southeast Asia. Knowing myself as I do, I should be close to good form in about two weeks. By the end of the month, I should be lifting close to my max weight.
A funny thing, though, from the gym earlier today. The radio was broken, so there was complete silence. Well, at least until a tough guy came down to use the squat rack, and began screaming at himself at the end of every set. This kind of thing reminded me of my college weight room. For those that don't know, I played football in high school and college. So being around my teammates, I was exposed to the archetypal meathead, and it always made me laugh when they screamed in the weight room. And for some reason, it's almost always during squats. Great stuff.
Well, that's all I feel like posting today. Speaking of football, I wanna get home soon to watch the NFL wild-card playoff games.
Here's to a healthy and happy '09. Cheers!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Follow-up
I feel like I should follow-up on last night's post to clarify what's going on and so as not to put anyone in an unfair light. Here's the recent history of Cherise and me:
A little over three months ago, Cherise came to Lancaster for a three-month contract that was to end today, December 30th. Before she got here I remember thinking to myself that I was interested to see her, since I hadn't seen her face-to-face since March 2007: a year and a half ago. During that interval we did keep in touch, admittedly most of the time because she would reach out to me, and not as often the other way around.
A significant point in our time apart was just this past June, on her birthday. I was working at the time, but there was a lot of downtime that day. I spent the whole day thinking about her, and I made a list of the things about her that make me love her, along with a list of things that concern me as potential impediments to a future relationship. Of the latter, I didn't think that there was anything that couldn't be fixed or addressed, as long as we really committed to each other one day, namely in marriage. But at that time, Cherise was in the middle of a 7-month contract on a cruise ship around the world. So I never shared my thoughts with her.
Fast-forward to right before she got to Lancaster three months ago. I was at a point where I really wanted a relationship with someone. As I said, I was very interested and a bit excited to see Cherise, but I focused on keeping my expectations modest: I just wanted to see what my gut told me the moment I saw her face-to-face.
As fate would have it, only days before Cherise landed at Philadelphia International Airport, I went out one night on the town with my really good friend, Corey, and my sister, Jessica. That night I met a girl named Diana. My first impression was that I was really attracted to her. And after exchanging numbers that night we met, beginning the next day she showered me with attention. It was something that I really liked. Even besides that, I liked her for two big reasons: she lived in Philly and she spoke Spanish pretty well. Stepping back, I know that distance was the undoing of Cherise and me that led to me breaking up with her. And a part of me always wondered if my cultural background was so core to my sense of self that I needed to be with someone who was Latina or at least spoke Spanish.
Diana had entered the picture at a key moment. After several days of amazing attention from Diana, Cherise was flying into PHL, and she had asked me to meet her there, which I still very much wanted to do. For better or for worse, though, my mindset was not as open-minded as it would have been had I not met Diana. And this has implications for why I'm feeling so hurt that Cherise is refusing to spend New Year's Eve with me, and instead told me that she's not breaking plans that she made at least a month ago with a 25 year-old kid from New York (who she met, incidentally, years ago on a flight from Long Beach, California back to Philly to be with me).
For the first month that Cherise was here, I saw her two, maybe three, times. Each time I was very distant and aloof. My mind was on Diana. It's important to note, though, that Cherise asked me to consider moving out to Los Angeles to live and be with her; I rejected that idea out of hand. But the point is that she came to Lancaster to be near me and see if we could start a relationship again. The timing, unfortunately I would say, was off.
I did very little to reach out to Cherise from the time she got to Lancaster until Election Day, when I left on my three-week trip to southeast Asia: a whole month where I did little if anything to initiate communication, but instead focused on my blossoming relationship with Diana. I thought I was doing the right thing; I liked all the positive attention that I was getting and I was happy to reciprocate.
But, looking back, I think that knowing that I was leaving made me speed things up with Diana, where I really should've taken it much slower to be sure that I was beginning things with the right person. While I was in southeast Asia, I emailed Diana every single day of my trip. But certain thoughts and self-reflections, which I won't get into here, made me begin to realize, at the deepest levels within me, that I wasn't ready for or interested in a serious relationship with her. It took me returning to Philly, seeing Diana face-to-face again, and the first few days of downtime back here at home to really comprehend that I couldn't pursue a relationship with her. I felt terrible for that mistake, because I didn't want to hurt Diana, but I knew that I had to back out then, because I wasn't going to live a fraud.
I came back to Philly only a few days before Thanksgiving. I remember that I had mentioned to Cherise before she got here on the East Coast that she could spend Thanksgiving with my family; I remember that on Thanksgiving that I thought about her a lot, but I didn't invite her because I was too guilty since I was still in the difficult process of talking to Diana and expressing my change of heart to her. But deep down, I really wished that Cherise had been with me for Thanksgiving; that was probably a mistake on part to not be more communicative and invite her.
Only a week later I celebrated my birthday, on December 5th. Cherise was the very first person, among all my friends and family, to wish me a happy birthday. It made me feel happy to hear from her. Metaphorically, it was like she was knocking on the door again, and this time I was prepared and happy to begin slowly opening the door. We began talking and hanging out consistently from then until now. So of course long-buried feelings were uncovered, or at least I can say that for me they were (not to say that she didn't have feelings, but I'm trying to be careful not to make assumptions unless she explicitly said or did something).
So here's where I have to back-up. Early in her contract, Cherise tore her calf muscle. She didn't call me to tell me about it; and I was really calling her because I was busy with Diana. Since I didn't know what happened, I couldn't act on what I didn't know and show my caring and concern for her. But by that point she had already met some other guys, three that she told me of, that were showing her attention. Looking at this situation objectively, neither one of us was doing anything wrong; we were both single and we were seeing other people.
But I feel like Cherise is punishing me now for not being there for her at the beginning of her contract, even though we were both single and had no obligation to each other. And I think she loves me, but she'd prefer to be in a relationship that she has complete control over: she's 30 years old and surely has the control over the 25 year-old. And I think that stems from her fear of being hurt again by me: that I would let her down or break up with her again.
As it relates to my current predicament with Cherise, my timing with Diana was really unfortunate. But I say that it took that short relationship, and the opportunity to step back from the situation on my trip to southeast Asia, that made me begin to realize and even start to accept that I still love Cherise and that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. Can I be faulted for the events that led me to that conclusion? Should I be punished for coming to my senses? You tell me.
So here's how this created Cherise's rejection of me for New Year's Eve. Back at least a month ago, the 25 year-old kid asked Cherise to promise to spend New Year's Eve with him; she promised him that she would. She told me that she would not break her promise to him, especially since he made the effort to visit her when she was on crutches from the torn calf muscle and had visited her (at least one more time that I know of) while she was out in Lancaster.
This has totally broken my heart because the way I look at it, she's choosing him over me. But if I step back, she was single (and thus had no obligation to me) when she began spending time with him and made the promise to spend New Year's Eve with him. In an abstract sense, I really can't blame her honor for refusing to break a promise.
But here's the real problem: now I fear that I have no chance with her. I'm scared to take a risk to show her that I want to begin a committed, exclusive relationship with her, one that will eventually lead to marriage.
I did my best to overcome that fear by going out to Lancaster yesterday with a dozen long-stem red roses. And before she dropped me off at the Lancaster train station against my will, I showed her the gold necklace with the diamond charm that I wanted to give her as a Christmas gift. Although I showed her the necklace, I refused to give it to her, because I felt in the moment that she didn't deserve it; she was telling me to leave because she had plans later that night with someone else. As you can imagine, my imagination began to run amok. And I've been a mess ever since, sad and scared that I lost the chance to be with the woman that I love.
Cherise called me shortly after she had dropped me off to make sure that I was okay. Among other things she said in the short conversation, she told me to have faith. She didn't elaborate on what she meant by that. Then, this morning she sent me a text message saying "Good morning!" A couple hours later, I replied in a text message by saying "I miss you. I'm so sad, it hurts. I wish I was there to see you today." Only a few minutes later, she texted back: "Believe it or not. I miss you too!" And finally, I texted back a couple hours later: "I believe you. That's why we should see each other again while you're here." That was 5:18pm today, right around the time her final show was ending. I haven't heard back from her since.
I just tried calling her a few minutes ago, just before 2am here. She didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I want her to see that I'm thinking about her, even if she's with someone else right now. In the past, my defensive mechanism is to shut down all lines of communication, refuse to reply to any communication initiated by her, and basically go AWOL. I'm trying to overcome that defensive mechanism because I know that our chances for a real relationship are running out. I know that I have to do my part to change past patterns if we are to start something new.
As much as I still really hurt, I'm somewhat resigned to the fact that Cherise will be with someone else for New Year's Eve. I really, truly hope, though, that she calls me tomorrow to say that she wants to be with me. But I'm not going to bank on it.
What I'm banking on is that she told me to have faith. Once she completes her promise to this guy, I need her to accept my offer to be faithful to her and I need her to promise to be faithful to me. She flies out on January 1st to San Diego for a three-month contract on a cruise ship there. I want to have an exclusive relationship with her beginning immediately when she goes out there. If she promises this to me, then I'll book a ticket right away to go to San Diego on the first flight that I can find. If she loves me, then she'll want a relationship with me, just as she expressed when she saw me again three months ago. As soon as we begin the exclusive relationship, I'll really focus on adding more money to my savings to buy a ring to propose to her before this time next year, if not much sooner.
My biggest fear here is that she'll say that she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me. I simply can't compete with other guys. I've been in the picture (in her life and in her heart, one way or another) for over five years, since September 20, 2003. She should know by now whether she wants to be married to me or not. I'm not going to compete with guys that just entered the picture a few months ago; I'm too tired for competition and I'm not so foolish to chase a woman who wants to play the field.
If she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me first thing after the new year, then I'll have to walk away.
Cherise, if you read this, and if you love me, then please let's just be together.
A little over three months ago, Cherise came to Lancaster for a three-month contract that was to end today, December 30th. Before she got here I remember thinking to myself that I was interested to see her, since I hadn't seen her face-to-face since March 2007: a year and a half ago. During that interval we did keep in touch, admittedly most of the time because she would reach out to me, and not as often the other way around.
A significant point in our time apart was just this past June, on her birthday. I was working at the time, but there was a lot of downtime that day. I spent the whole day thinking about her, and I made a list of the things about her that make me love her, along with a list of things that concern me as potential impediments to a future relationship. Of the latter, I didn't think that there was anything that couldn't be fixed or addressed, as long as we really committed to each other one day, namely in marriage. But at that time, Cherise was in the middle of a 7-month contract on a cruise ship around the world. So I never shared my thoughts with her.
Fast-forward to right before she got to Lancaster three months ago. I was at a point where I really wanted a relationship with someone. As I said, I was very interested and a bit excited to see Cherise, but I focused on keeping my expectations modest: I just wanted to see what my gut told me the moment I saw her face-to-face.
As fate would have it, only days before Cherise landed at Philadelphia International Airport, I went out one night on the town with my really good friend, Corey, and my sister, Jessica. That night I met a girl named Diana. My first impression was that I was really attracted to her. And after exchanging numbers that night we met, beginning the next day she showered me with attention. It was something that I really liked. Even besides that, I liked her for two big reasons: she lived in Philly and she spoke Spanish pretty well. Stepping back, I know that distance was the undoing of Cherise and me that led to me breaking up with her. And a part of me always wondered if my cultural background was so core to my sense of self that I needed to be with someone who was Latina or at least spoke Spanish.
Diana had entered the picture at a key moment. After several days of amazing attention from Diana, Cherise was flying into PHL, and she had asked me to meet her there, which I still very much wanted to do. For better or for worse, though, my mindset was not as open-minded as it would have been had I not met Diana. And this has implications for why I'm feeling so hurt that Cherise is refusing to spend New Year's Eve with me, and instead told me that she's not breaking plans that she made at least a month ago with a 25 year-old kid from New York (who she met, incidentally, years ago on a flight from Long Beach, California back to Philly to be with me).
For the first month that Cherise was here, I saw her two, maybe three, times. Each time I was very distant and aloof. My mind was on Diana. It's important to note, though, that Cherise asked me to consider moving out to Los Angeles to live and be with her; I rejected that idea out of hand. But the point is that she came to Lancaster to be near me and see if we could start a relationship again. The timing, unfortunately I would say, was off.
I did very little to reach out to Cherise from the time she got to Lancaster until Election Day, when I left on my three-week trip to southeast Asia: a whole month where I did little if anything to initiate communication, but instead focused on my blossoming relationship with Diana. I thought I was doing the right thing; I liked all the positive attention that I was getting and I was happy to reciprocate.
But, looking back, I think that knowing that I was leaving made me speed things up with Diana, where I really should've taken it much slower to be sure that I was beginning things with the right person. While I was in southeast Asia, I emailed Diana every single day of my trip. But certain thoughts and self-reflections, which I won't get into here, made me begin to realize, at the deepest levels within me, that I wasn't ready for or interested in a serious relationship with her. It took me returning to Philly, seeing Diana face-to-face again, and the first few days of downtime back here at home to really comprehend that I couldn't pursue a relationship with her. I felt terrible for that mistake, because I didn't want to hurt Diana, but I knew that I had to back out then, because I wasn't going to live a fraud.
I came back to Philly only a few days before Thanksgiving. I remember that I had mentioned to Cherise before she got here on the East Coast that she could spend Thanksgiving with my family; I remember that on Thanksgiving that I thought about her a lot, but I didn't invite her because I was too guilty since I was still in the difficult process of talking to Diana and expressing my change of heart to her. But deep down, I really wished that Cherise had been with me for Thanksgiving; that was probably a mistake on part to not be more communicative and invite her.
Only a week later I celebrated my birthday, on December 5th. Cherise was the very first person, among all my friends and family, to wish me a happy birthday. It made me feel happy to hear from her. Metaphorically, it was like she was knocking on the door again, and this time I was prepared and happy to begin slowly opening the door. We began talking and hanging out consistently from then until now. So of course long-buried feelings were uncovered, or at least I can say that for me they were (not to say that she didn't have feelings, but I'm trying to be careful not to make assumptions unless she explicitly said or did something).
So here's where I have to back-up. Early in her contract, Cherise tore her calf muscle. She didn't call me to tell me about it; and I was really calling her because I was busy with Diana. Since I didn't know what happened, I couldn't act on what I didn't know and show my caring and concern for her. But by that point she had already met some other guys, three that she told me of, that were showing her attention. Looking at this situation objectively, neither one of us was doing anything wrong; we were both single and we were seeing other people.
But I feel like Cherise is punishing me now for not being there for her at the beginning of her contract, even though we were both single and had no obligation to each other. And I think she loves me, but she'd prefer to be in a relationship that she has complete control over: she's 30 years old and surely has the control over the 25 year-old. And I think that stems from her fear of being hurt again by me: that I would let her down or break up with her again.
As it relates to my current predicament with Cherise, my timing with Diana was really unfortunate. But I say that it took that short relationship, and the opportunity to step back from the situation on my trip to southeast Asia, that made me begin to realize and even start to accept that I still love Cherise and that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. Can I be faulted for the events that led me to that conclusion? Should I be punished for coming to my senses? You tell me.
So here's how this created Cherise's rejection of me for New Year's Eve. Back at least a month ago, the 25 year-old kid asked Cherise to promise to spend New Year's Eve with him; she promised him that she would. She told me that she would not break her promise to him, especially since he made the effort to visit her when she was on crutches from the torn calf muscle and had visited her (at least one more time that I know of) while she was out in Lancaster.
This has totally broken my heart because the way I look at it, she's choosing him over me. But if I step back, she was single (and thus had no obligation to me) when she began spending time with him and made the promise to spend New Year's Eve with him. In an abstract sense, I really can't blame her honor for refusing to break a promise.
But here's the real problem: now I fear that I have no chance with her. I'm scared to take a risk to show her that I want to begin a committed, exclusive relationship with her, one that will eventually lead to marriage.
I did my best to overcome that fear by going out to Lancaster yesterday with a dozen long-stem red roses. And before she dropped me off at the Lancaster train station against my will, I showed her the gold necklace with the diamond charm that I wanted to give her as a Christmas gift. Although I showed her the necklace, I refused to give it to her, because I felt in the moment that she didn't deserve it; she was telling me to leave because she had plans later that night with someone else. As you can imagine, my imagination began to run amok. And I've been a mess ever since, sad and scared that I lost the chance to be with the woman that I love.
Cherise called me shortly after she had dropped me off to make sure that I was okay. Among other things she said in the short conversation, she told me to have faith. She didn't elaborate on what she meant by that. Then, this morning she sent me a text message saying "Good morning!" A couple hours later, I replied in a text message by saying "I miss you. I'm so sad, it hurts. I wish I was there to see you today." Only a few minutes later, she texted back: "Believe it or not. I miss you too!" And finally, I texted back a couple hours later: "I believe you. That's why we should see each other again while you're here." That was 5:18pm today, right around the time her final show was ending. I haven't heard back from her since.
I just tried calling her a few minutes ago, just before 2am here. She didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I want her to see that I'm thinking about her, even if she's with someone else right now. In the past, my defensive mechanism is to shut down all lines of communication, refuse to reply to any communication initiated by her, and basically go AWOL. I'm trying to overcome that defensive mechanism because I know that our chances for a real relationship are running out. I know that I have to do my part to change past patterns if we are to start something new.
As much as I still really hurt, I'm somewhat resigned to the fact that Cherise will be with someone else for New Year's Eve. I really, truly hope, though, that she calls me tomorrow to say that she wants to be with me. But I'm not going to bank on it.
What I'm banking on is that she told me to have faith. Once she completes her promise to this guy, I need her to accept my offer to be faithful to her and I need her to promise to be faithful to me. She flies out on January 1st to San Diego for a three-month contract on a cruise ship there. I want to have an exclusive relationship with her beginning immediately when she goes out there. If she promises this to me, then I'll book a ticket right away to go to San Diego on the first flight that I can find. If she loves me, then she'll want a relationship with me, just as she expressed when she saw me again three months ago. As soon as we begin the exclusive relationship, I'll really focus on adding more money to my savings to buy a ring to propose to her before this time next year, if not much sooner.
My biggest fear here is that she'll say that she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me. I simply can't compete with other guys. I've been in the picture (in her life and in her heart, one way or another) for over five years, since September 20, 2003. She should know by now whether she wants to be married to me or not. I'm not going to compete with guys that just entered the picture a few months ago; I'm too tired for competition and I'm not so foolish to chase a woman who wants to play the field.
If she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me first thing after the new year, then I'll have to walk away.
Cherise, if you read this, and if you love me, then please let's just be together.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Facebook status update
i'm tryin to get up so don't you get me down. life, i love ya, now gimme a pound.
Bad episode
I had a really bad night tonight. One of the worst nights that I've had in a long time.
I went to a bar to try to drink it off. Really immature, I know. But I just wanted to drink myself into a stupor. It didn't exactly work, as you can see since I'm still awake and typing into the blog right now. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I could barely sleep at all last night.
Earlier today, I went out to Lancaster to try to lay it all on the line for my ex-girlfriend. I've realized that I still really love her, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. But she drove me against my will to the train station at the end of her first show, telling me that another guy was coming in at around 2am tonight to visit her. My heart was totally ripped to shreds. And to add injury upon injury, she insists that she has plans to be with another guy, a 25 year-old kid, on New Year's Eve.
I brought her 12 long-stem red roses to her show today. I guess it doesn't matter, though, when someone doesn't love you. I give up. I'm not going to compete against other guys, especially kids.
I pray to God that there is someone out there for me. Someone who will not push me away. Someone who will express her emotions to me. By that I mean: someone who will not turn cold on me at any hint of conflict or difficulty. I want someone who is affectionate toward me. Someone who loves me for my passion; not someone who makes fun of me for it.
I tried to drink myself into oblivion tonight; it didn't work. It's nearly 3am right now. I know that Cherise is with a guy right now. That guy is in her bedrooom right this very second. I wish I was drunk. I wish I could cease existing for the next week or so.
I went to a bar to try to drink it off. Really immature, I know. But I just wanted to drink myself into a stupor. It didn't exactly work, as you can see since I'm still awake and typing into the blog right now. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I could barely sleep at all last night.
Earlier today, I went out to Lancaster to try to lay it all on the line for my ex-girlfriend. I've realized that I still really love her, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. But she drove me against my will to the train station at the end of her first show, telling me that another guy was coming in at around 2am tonight to visit her. My heart was totally ripped to shreds. And to add injury upon injury, she insists that she has plans to be with another guy, a 25 year-old kid, on New Year's Eve.
I brought her 12 long-stem red roses to her show today. I guess it doesn't matter, though, when someone doesn't love you. I give up. I'm not going to compete against other guys, especially kids.
I pray to God that there is someone out there for me. Someone who will not push me away. Someone who will express her emotions to me. By that I mean: someone who will not turn cold on me at any hint of conflict or difficulty. I want someone who is affectionate toward me. Someone who loves me for my passion; not someone who makes fun of me for it.
I tried to drink myself into oblivion tonight; it didn't work. It's nearly 3am right now. I know that Cherise is with a guy right now. That guy is in her bedrooom right this very second. I wish I was drunk. I wish I could cease existing for the next week or so.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Tea with honey
I'm drinking a cup of Salada tea with 100% desert Mesquite honey. The reason: I've been sick for the past couple of days. Though I think it's breaking now: yesterday was a lot of sneezing and a lot of clear, runny mucus; today was thicker mucus in the morning and now more of just a dry cough with a little congestion.
Why am I sick? Superficially, the yo-yo temperature changes on a day-to-day basis is not helpful. Also, on a few occasions over the past week (especially last Friday night on Washington Street in Hoboken and last Saturday night in Philly's Gayborhood), I was definitely under-dressed: wearing a blazer when I should've been wearing a winter coat.
In most cases, though, I could probably get away with all of that, being the healthy guy that I am. So the deeper reason for getting sick, I think, has to do with my primary frustration these days: being unemployed. I figured that I would've had a job by this amount of time after my SE Asia trip. But due to the bleak job market, and some unfortunate timing, I'm out of a job right before the holidays. The stress from this situation finally wore me down this past week. I had a lead that I thought would materialize this past Monday (in a meeting with JuriStaff), but it was an opportunity that faded quickly. To hit the nail on the head, I can say that the disappointment - and even anger and depression - that resulted from that let-down was the true cause of my cold.
Not unrelated, though, is another byproduct of my unemployment. Being without a job means spending an inordinate amount of time at home (i.e., all day everyday). Because I've never been so good at dusting around the apartment, I think my respiratory system is paying more of a price than usual, thus making me more susceptible to falling ill. So I dusted some (certainly not all) of the apartment earlier tonight. I hope to motivate myself to do some more dusting tomorrow.
So that's that. I'd appreciate any prayers or well wishes that you could send my way. But I feel better tonight than I did last night. Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of feeling sick so that I can start fresh on Monday. Yesterday I just paid to re-join my gym, so I'd like to get in there on Monday for the first time since very early November. And I hope to start the new week with an eager and optimistic approach to getting a gig as soon as possible. And to have a generally happy state-of-being for the holidays.
For tonight I'll enjoy my tea with honey, which I just happened to finish right now!
Why am I sick? Superficially, the yo-yo temperature changes on a day-to-day basis is not helpful. Also, on a few occasions over the past week (especially last Friday night on Washington Street in Hoboken and last Saturday night in Philly's Gayborhood), I was definitely under-dressed: wearing a blazer when I should've been wearing a winter coat.
In most cases, though, I could probably get away with all of that, being the healthy guy that I am. So the deeper reason for getting sick, I think, has to do with my primary frustration these days: being unemployed. I figured that I would've had a job by this amount of time after my SE Asia trip. But due to the bleak job market, and some unfortunate timing, I'm out of a job right before the holidays. The stress from this situation finally wore me down this past week. I had a lead that I thought would materialize this past Monday (in a meeting with JuriStaff), but it was an opportunity that faded quickly. To hit the nail on the head, I can say that the disappointment - and even anger and depression - that resulted from that let-down was the true cause of my cold.
Not unrelated, though, is another byproduct of my unemployment. Being without a job means spending an inordinate amount of time at home (i.e., all day everyday). Because I've never been so good at dusting around the apartment, I think my respiratory system is paying more of a price than usual, thus making me more susceptible to falling ill. So I dusted some (certainly not all) of the apartment earlier tonight. I hope to motivate myself to do some more dusting tomorrow.
So that's that. I'd appreciate any prayers or well wishes that you could send my way. But I feel better tonight than I did last night. Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day of feeling sick so that I can start fresh on Monday. Yesterday I just paid to re-join my gym, so I'd like to get in there on Monday for the first time since very early November. And I hope to start the new week with an eager and optimistic approach to getting a gig as soon as possible. And to have a generally happy state-of-being for the holidays.
For tonight I'll enjoy my tea with honey, which I just happened to finish right now!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Bottom of the bag
Popcorn.
I've been eating it with my lunch for the past week.
Today I got to the bottom of the bag.
So I poured out almost all the remaining contents of the bag on to my plate.
A lot of small pieces of popcorn.
Very few intact, full pieces of popcorn.
In order to effectively eat it all, I simply pressed my tongue to the small pieces of popcorn on the plate so that they stuck to my tongue and I could eat them.
I've been eating it with my lunch for the past week.
Today I got to the bottom of the bag.
So I poured out almost all the remaining contents of the bag on to my plate.
A lot of small pieces of popcorn.
Very few intact, full pieces of popcorn.
In order to effectively eat it all, I simply pressed my tongue to the small pieces of popcorn on the plate so that they stuck to my tongue and I could eat them.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Bring back the home-cooked meal
"Those most vulnerable to obesity are those who frequently eat out," said Gary Foster, head of the Obesity Research Center at Temple University.
I heard that statement while listening to a WHYY news report this morning on 90.1 FM. You can hear the entire news clip by clicking HERE and scrolling down to the headline "Restaurant menus must have labels" with the December 18, 2008 dateline.
I've always been a strong proponent of cooking meals at home. By cooking at home, I know exactly what is going into my body, because I'm the one that buys the meal's ingredients and then prepares the meal. Growing up in a household where my mother (or sometimes my father) prepared a home-cooked meal every single night, I valued the importance of a well-rounded meal. I remember that every dinner included one meat (or, every once in a while, seafood), one grain (usually rice or pasta), and at least one vegetable. We rarely drank soda. And we rarely ordered out; we might get pizza or Chinese food about once, maybe twice, a month.
Conversely, I'm generally opposed to eating out. Even on nights when I'm tired from working all day or have little to choose from other than macaroni and cheese, I'll still usually choose to cook my own dinner, rather than eating out or ordering in. Ideally, I would eat out at a healthy, reasonably-priced restaurant once per week or every 10 days.
We live in a culture in which too many people have lost sight of the benefits of preparing their own meals and eating in the comfort of their own home. Our culture has placed too much emphasis on outsourcing everything to others so as to do as little as possible for ourselves, as well as on the perceived social prestige of eating out. I'd rather eat healthy and save money for doing it, than worry about showing off for others while paying more money for my laziness.
I heard that statement while listening to a WHYY news report this morning on 90.1 FM. You can hear the entire news clip by clicking HERE and scrolling down to the headline "Restaurant menus must have labels" with the December 18, 2008 dateline.
I've always been a strong proponent of cooking meals at home. By cooking at home, I know exactly what is going into my body, because I'm the one that buys the meal's ingredients and then prepares the meal. Growing up in a household where my mother (or sometimes my father) prepared a home-cooked meal every single night, I valued the importance of a well-rounded meal. I remember that every dinner included one meat (or, every once in a while, seafood), one grain (usually rice or pasta), and at least one vegetable. We rarely drank soda. And we rarely ordered out; we might get pizza or Chinese food about once, maybe twice, a month.
Conversely, I'm generally opposed to eating out. Even on nights when I'm tired from working all day or have little to choose from other than macaroni and cheese, I'll still usually choose to cook my own dinner, rather than eating out or ordering in. Ideally, I would eat out at a healthy, reasonably-priced restaurant once per week or every 10 days.
We live in a culture in which too many people have lost sight of the benefits of preparing their own meals and eating in the comfort of their own home. Our culture has placed too much emphasis on outsourcing everything to others so as to do as little as possible for ourselves, as well as on the perceived social prestige of eating out. I'd rather eat healthy and save money for doing it, than worry about showing off for others while paying more money for my laziness.
Unrealistic reaction
Here in the United States, there has been a television advertisement on the major national networks for Toyota. It features their promotion for the "Toyotathon of Toyotathons."
Throughout the commercial, a guy in a tan jacket is going around town placing a sticker that reads "of Toyotathons" on all the already-existing signs and billboards that read "Toyotathon." The point, presumably, is to advertise that this sale is going to be the mother of all sales for Toyota products.
Well, at the very end of the commercial, there is a shot of a woman reading a newspaper, and she's holding it up in front of her face. On the back page of the newspaper is a print ad with the bold and easily-legible title: "Toyotathon". The guy in the tan jacket briskly places one of his stickers directly on to her newspaper, then quickly disappears out of the camera shot, ostensibly to walk away quickly to continue his task of placing stickers elsewhere. And the woman reacts by turning the back page toward her and then tilting her head to see what was placed on her newspaper. And nothing else!
My point is this: what kind of reaction is this??? Does this not seem unnatural to you? If someone abruptly touched something that I was holding in my hands and then walked away quickly, I'd look first to see who this stranger was, then I'd quickly look at what was done to the newspaper in my hands, and then I'd look again to get a good look at the suspect.
This woman's reaction was so nonchalant to the point of being completely incredible. And this, in turn, takes away from the veracity of the commercial and, thus, the consumer's trust in this company and its products. It should have come as no surprise, then, that while listening to NPR Morning Report this morning, it was reported that Toyota is forecasting negative growth (an oxymoron) in 2009, the first time this will happen in the company's 70 year history.
And it all started with a stupid commercial.
Throughout the commercial, a guy in a tan jacket is going around town placing a sticker that reads "of Toyotathons" on all the already-existing signs and billboards that read "Toyotathon." The point, presumably, is to advertise that this sale is going to be the mother of all sales for Toyota products.
Well, at the very end of the commercial, there is a shot of a woman reading a newspaper, and she's holding it up in front of her face. On the back page of the newspaper is a print ad with the bold and easily-legible title: "Toyotathon". The guy in the tan jacket briskly places one of his stickers directly on to her newspaper, then quickly disappears out of the camera shot, ostensibly to walk away quickly to continue his task of placing stickers elsewhere. And the woman reacts by turning the back page toward her and then tilting her head to see what was placed on her newspaper. And nothing else!
My point is this: what kind of reaction is this??? Does this not seem unnatural to you? If someone abruptly touched something that I was holding in my hands and then walked away quickly, I'd look first to see who this stranger was, then I'd quickly look at what was done to the newspaper in my hands, and then I'd look again to get a good look at the suspect.
This woman's reaction was so nonchalant to the point of being completely incredible. And this, in turn, takes away from the veracity of the commercial and, thus, the consumer's trust in this company and its products. It should have come as no surprise, then, that while listening to NPR Morning Report this morning, it was reported that Toyota is forecasting negative growth (an oxymoron) in 2009, the first time this will happen in the company's 70 year history.
And it all started with a stupid commercial.
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