Follow-up

I feel like I should follow-up on last night's post to clarify what's going on and so as not to put anyone in an unfair light. Here's the recent history of Cherise and me:

A little over three months ago, Cherise came to Lancaster for a three-month contract that was to end today, December 30th. Before she got here I remember thinking to myself that I was interested to see her, since I hadn't seen her face-to-face since March 2007: a year and a half ago. During that interval we did keep in touch, admittedly most of the time because she would reach out to me, and not as often the other way around.

A significant point in our time apart was just this past June, on her birthday. I was working at the time, but there was a lot of downtime that day. I spent the whole day thinking about her, and I made a list of the things about her that make me love her, along with a list of things that concern me as potential impediments to a future relationship. Of the latter, I didn't think that there was anything that couldn't be fixed or addressed, as long as we really committed to each other one day, namely in marriage. But at that time, Cherise was in the middle of a 7-month contract on a cruise ship around the world. So I never shared my thoughts with her.

Fast-forward to right before she got to Lancaster three months ago. I was at a point where I really wanted a relationship with someone. As I said, I was very interested and a bit excited to see Cherise, but I focused on keeping my expectations modest: I just wanted to see what my gut told me the moment I saw her face-to-face.

As fate would have it, only days before Cherise landed at Philadelphia International Airport, I went out one night on the town with my really good friend, Corey, and my sister, Jessica. That night I met a girl named Diana. My first impression was that I was really attracted to her. And after exchanging numbers that night we met, beginning the next day she showered me with attention. It was something that I really liked. Even besides that, I liked her for two big reasons: she lived in Philly and she spoke Spanish pretty well. Stepping back, I know that distance was the undoing of Cherise and me that led to me breaking up with her. And a part of me always wondered if my cultural background was so core to my sense of self that I needed to be with someone who was Latina or at least spoke Spanish.

Diana had entered the picture at a key moment. After several days of amazing attention from Diana, Cherise was flying into PHL, and she had asked me to meet her there, which I still very much wanted to do. For better or for worse, though, my mindset was not as open-minded as it would have been had I not met Diana. And this has implications for why I'm feeling so hurt that Cherise is refusing to spend New Year's Eve with me, and instead told me that she's not breaking plans that she made at least a month ago with a 25 year-old kid from New York (who she met, incidentally, years ago on a flight from Long Beach, California back to Philly to be with me).

For the first month that Cherise was here, I saw her two, maybe three, times. Each time I was very distant and aloof. My mind was on Diana. It's important to note, though, that Cherise asked me to consider moving out to Los Angeles to live and be with her; I rejected that idea out of hand. But the point is that she came to Lancaster to be near me and see if we could start a relationship again. The timing, unfortunately I would say, was off.

I did very little to reach out to Cherise from the time she got to Lancaster until Election Day, when I left on my three-week trip to southeast Asia: a whole month where I did little if anything to initiate communication, but instead focused on my blossoming relationship with Diana. I thought I was doing the right thing; I liked all the positive attention that I was getting and I was happy to reciprocate.

But, looking back, I think that knowing that I was leaving made me speed things up with Diana, where I really should've taken it much slower to be sure that I was beginning things with the right person. While I was in southeast Asia, I emailed Diana every single day of my trip. But certain thoughts and self-reflections, which I won't get into here, made me begin to realize, at the deepest levels within me, that I wasn't ready for or interested in a serious relationship with her. It took me returning to Philly, seeing Diana face-to-face again, and the first few days of downtime back here at home to really comprehend that I couldn't pursue a relationship with her. I felt terrible for that mistake, because I didn't want to hurt Diana, but I knew that I had to back out then, because I wasn't going to live a fraud.

I came back to Philly only a few days before Thanksgiving. I remember that I had mentioned to Cherise before she got here on the East Coast that she could spend Thanksgiving with my family; I remember that on Thanksgiving that I thought about her a lot, but I didn't invite her because I was too guilty since I was still in the difficult process of talking to Diana and expressing my change of heart to her. But deep down, I really wished that Cherise had been with me for Thanksgiving; that was probably a mistake on part to not be more communicative and invite her.

Only a week later I celebrated my birthday, on December 5th. Cherise was the very first person, among all my friends and family, to wish me a happy birthday. It made me feel happy to hear from her. Metaphorically, it was like she was knocking on the door again, and this time I was prepared and happy to begin slowly opening the door. We began talking and hanging out consistently from then until now. So of course long-buried feelings were uncovered, or at least I can say that for me they were (not to say that she didn't have feelings, but I'm trying to be careful not to make assumptions unless she explicitly said or did something).

So here's where I have to back-up. Early in her contract, Cherise tore her calf muscle. She didn't call me to tell me about it; and I was really calling her because I was busy with Diana. Since I didn't know what happened, I couldn't act on what I didn't know and show my caring and concern for her. But by that point she had already met some other guys, three that she told me of, that were showing her attention. Looking at this situation objectively, neither one of us was doing anything wrong; we were both single and we were seeing other people.

But I feel like Cherise is punishing me now for not being there for her at the beginning of her contract, even though we were both single and had no obligation to each other. And I think she loves me, but she'd prefer to be in a relationship that she has complete control over: she's 30 years old and surely has the control over the 25 year-old. And I think that stems from her fear of being hurt again by me: that I would let her down or break up with her again.

As it relates to my current predicament with Cherise, my timing with Diana was really unfortunate. But I say that it took that short relationship, and the opportunity to step back from the situation on my trip to southeast Asia, that made me begin to realize and even start to accept that I still love Cherise and that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. Can I be faulted for the events that led me to that conclusion? Should I be punished for coming to my senses? You tell me.

So here's how this created Cherise's rejection of me for New Year's Eve. Back at least a month ago, the 25 year-old kid asked Cherise to promise to spend New Year's Eve with him; she promised him that she would. She told me that she would not break her promise to him, especially since he made the effort to visit her when she was on crutches from the torn calf muscle and had visited her (at least one more time that I know of) while she was out in Lancaster.

This has totally broken my heart because the way I look at it, she's choosing him over me. But if I step back, she was single (and thus had no obligation to me) when she began spending time with him and made the promise to spend New Year's Eve with him. In an abstract sense, I really can't blame her honor for refusing to break a promise.

But here's the real problem: now I fear that I have no chance with her. I'm scared to take a risk to show her that I want to begin a committed, exclusive relationship with her, one that will eventually lead to marriage.

I did my best to overcome that fear by going out to Lancaster yesterday with a dozen long-stem red roses. And before she dropped me off at the Lancaster train station against my will, I showed her the gold necklace with the diamond charm that I wanted to give her as a Christmas gift. Although I showed her the necklace, I refused to give it to her, because I felt in the moment that she didn't deserve it; she was telling me to leave because she had plans later that night with someone else. As you can imagine, my imagination began to run amok. And I've been a mess ever since, sad and scared that I lost the chance to be with the woman that I love.

Cherise called me shortly after she had dropped me off to make sure that I was okay. Among other things she said in the short conversation, she told me to have faith. She didn't elaborate on what she meant by that. Then, this morning she sent me a text message saying "Good morning!" A couple hours later, I replied in a text message by saying "I miss you. I'm so sad, it hurts. I wish I was there to see you today." Only a few minutes later, she texted back: "Believe it or not. I miss you too!" And finally, I texted back a couple hours later: "I believe you. That's why we should see each other again while you're here." That was 5:18pm today, right around the time her final show was ending. I haven't heard back from her since.

I just tried calling her a few minutes ago, just before 2am here. She didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I want her to see that I'm thinking about her, even if she's with someone else right now. In the past, my defensive mechanism is to shut down all lines of communication, refuse to reply to any communication initiated by her, and basically go AWOL. I'm trying to overcome that defensive mechanism because I know that our chances for a real relationship are running out. I know that I have to do my part to change past patterns if we are to start something new.

As much as I still really hurt, I'm somewhat resigned to the fact that Cherise will be with someone else for New Year's Eve. I really, truly hope, though, that she calls me tomorrow to say that she wants to be with me. But I'm not going to bank on it.

What I'm banking on is that she told me to have faith. Once she completes her promise to this guy, I need her to accept my offer to be faithful to her and I need her to promise to be faithful to me. She flies out on January 1st to San Diego for a three-month contract on a cruise ship there. I want to have an exclusive relationship with her beginning immediately when she goes out there. If she promises this to me, then I'll book a ticket right away to go to San Diego on the first flight that I can find. If she loves me, then she'll want a relationship with me, just as she expressed when she saw me again three months ago. As soon as we begin the exclusive relationship, I'll really focus on adding more money to my savings to buy a ring to propose to her before this time next year, if not much sooner.

My biggest fear here is that she'll say that she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me. I simply can't compete with other guys. I've been in the picture (in her life and in her heart, one way or another) for over five years, since September 20, 2003. She should know by now whether she wants to be married to me or not. I'm not going to compete with guys that just entered the picture a few months ago; I'm too tired for competition and I'm not so foolish to chase a woman who wants to play the field.

If she doesn't want to promise to be faithful or exclusive with me first thing after the new year, then I'll have to walk away.

Cherise, if you read this, and if you love me, then please let's just be together.