Today I have no agenda of what to write. As I'm typing this I'm waiting for a large pizza to be delivered from Gusto, so I'll just type from the top of my head until that gets here.
Before I finished typing the first sentence of this paragraph (which I just deleted), the pizza got here. So I ate and now I'm back.
Right now the MLS All-Star Game is on. It's the MLS All-Stars vs. AS Roma, who's up 1-0 in about the 40th minute. This year I've gotten much more into watching soccer (futbol). Once the college basketball season ended, and especially once the NBA season was over, I really started watching lots of soccer: MLS games, CONCACAF Gold Cup games, and probably a couple Liga MX games. Although there's not always a lot of scoring, I like that the ball is constantly in motion. That's why I prefer soccer to baseball. It's also why I predict that by the year 2020 the MLS will be just as popular as MLB. My reasoning? In this fast-paced, ADHD, short-attention-span culture, people will become more and more bored by the slow pace of baseball. I believe that eventually MLS will be America's summer sport, not MLB.
On the topic of constant motion, I need to start doing cardio. If I'm lucky I get to the gym about twice per week and I only lift weights. Recently, perhaps due to diet, perhaps due to a largely sedentary lifestyle, perhaps due to age, or perhaps due to a lack of cardio in my diet, I've noticed that I've gained a few pounds. How did I notice? The waistline of my dress pants has been a little tight lately. An idea came to mind the other day: I'd like to do interval sprints with Jeannie. My idea is to go to a nearby city block where there's a baseball field and a recreation center, then do a 2x4 relay, that is 2 people (Jeannie and I, of course) for 4 laps each (thus, 8 laps total) around the city block. I haven't proposed the idea to Jeannie yet. She flies in to PHL tonight at 12:13am after spending a week with her biological mother in Houston. I'll share my idea with her and see if she's up for it.
So I'm happy that Jeannie will be home. She's a really sweet girl with a great heart. She's also very patient with me, which is something I know is necessary in a partner for me. We get along pretty well and have a lot of similar interests, especially traveling. And at the risk of sounding too much like a guy, I love that she has big breasts. I don't think I've ever admitted it out loud to any one, but for as long as I can remember, I always wanted a girlfriend with big breasts. I would periodically have arguments in my head, where I felt guilty for thinking that I was being too superficial or objectifying, but then I would think to myself that I love big breasts and I want to be with a girl with big breasts. Most importantly, though, I wondered when I was with other girls (either previous girlfriends or girls I was dating) if I was "settling" for a girl who was nice or attractive, but whether I would always long for or wonder what it would be like to be with a girl with big breasts. And I think it was that fear of possible regret or even the temptation of cheating (just to feel what it would be like to touch, kiss, suck, and grab big breasts) that would often win out in those internal arguments. I've always noticed girls with big breasts in public and they're the girls I'm attracted to. It's been a blessing being with Jeannie. As I said, she's a quality girl in so many ways and besides that I truly think she's a good fit for me, precisely because she's so caring, so loving, and so patient with me. Those are the things that matter most, so I know I'm with a good girl. But the fact that she has DD-cup breasts really seals the deal for me. I don't care how that sounds, because I admit that, for me at least, it is a fact. And all these things are what led me to ask Father Ed this past Saturday about what I need to think about and prepare to get married to Jeannie, hopefully some day not too far in the future, God willing.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sub-par day
I didn't get into work until 10:45am today. Although I was woken up two or three times last night (I've had the bedroom window and sliding glass door open since Jeannie went away, due to the nice weather), I'm not going to lean on that as an excuse. If I had a job that excited me and energized me, I might have been a little bit late, but certainly not as late as 10:45am. In that situation, I wouldn't mind being a little tired, as long as I was at a job that I like. But even all that isn't an excuse. I know I need to hold myself to a higher standard and drag my ass into work at a normal hour, whatever it takes.
In spite of the late start, though, I had a pretty productive day. I caught up on most of my phone calls and I filed a motion for reconsideration on behalf of one of my really difficult clients, P.D.
I would want to write more now, but it's getting late, I still need to clean up in the kitchen, and I have two hearings listed for 9:00am tomorrow. So let me get going and get ready for bed. Buenas noches.
In spite of the late start, though, I had a pretty productive day. I caught up on most of my phone calls and I filed a motion for reconsideration on behalf of one of my really difficult clients, P.D.
I would want to write more now, but it's getting late, I still need to clean up in the kitchen, and I have two hearings listed for 9:00am tomorrow. So let me get going and get ready for bed. Buenas noches.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Good day today
I'll keep this short, since it's getting late. Highlights of the day:
1) Helping a humble man, client M.D., by going with him to personally file a motion for special relief at the clerk of family court this afternoon. We had a nice conversation about God, church, and his relationship with his son, whose mother had denied him access for the past two weeks. Mr. D. needed our help now, since the name on the caption was his Muslim name, while he now uses his birth name again. Taking a nice, easy stroll on such a beautiful day, and for such a good cause for a good man, was a great feeling.
2) Having a good, long conversation just now with Mita. We talked about my relationship with Jeannie and I also told her a lot about my conversation with Father Ed. I don't often get to talk with Mita like that, but I'm very happy when I do.
3) Oh, and I had a pretty good work-out at the gym earlier this evening: dumbbell incline bench press; dumbbell triceps kick-backs; dumbbell bicep curl and press; and barbell bench press. As you can see, it was very focused on chest, bi's, and tri's. Good stuff. When I got home, I even did a final set of push-ups.
Now, hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight...
1) Helping a humble man, client M.D., by going with him to personally file a motion for special relief at the clerk of family court this afternoon. We had a nice conversation about God, church, and his relationship with his son, whose mother had denied him access for the past two weeks. Mr. D. needed our help now, since the name on the caption was his Muslim name, while he now uses his birth name again. Taking a nice, easy stroll on such a beautiful day, and for such a good cause for a good man, was a great feeling.
2) Having a good, long conversation just now with Mita. We talked about my relationship with Jeannie and I also told her a lot about my conversation with Father Ed. I don't often get to talk with Mita like that, but I'm very happy when I do.
3) Oh, and I had a pretty good work-out at the gym earlier this evening: dumbbell incline bench press; dumbbell triceps kick-backs; dumbbell bicep curl and press; and barbell bench press. As you can see, it was very focused on chest, bi's, and tri's. Good stuff. When I got home, I even did a final set of push-ups.
Now, hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight...
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Rainy Sunday
Today was a good day. I began the day by going to mass at St. Charles Borromeo. The message today was the power of prayer. The Old Testament reading was Abraham asking God to spare the city of Sodom, if there were 50, then 45, then 40, then 30, then 20, then 10 innocent people there, so as not to punish the innocent for the sins of the guilty. The New Testament reading was the story of the apostles, after seeing Jesus pray in the garden, asking him how to pray and Jesus teaching them how to pray the Lord's Prayer. I hope to keep in mind the power of prayer, and to use it. When I left church, I shook hands with Father Ed as usual and I wished him a good week on retreat in Virginia. I told him that I would pray for him; he responded that he would pray for me too.
I spent some time out on the patio, drinking coffee and reading Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. And I spent some time cleaning up the apartment, because I thought Paul might come to visit (he never came through).
Later in the afternoon, I watched USA defeat Panama, 1-0, in the final match of the CONCACAF Gold Cup 2013. It was a good match. The first half was pretty even, due largely to the defense on each side. The second half opened up for the U.S., though, as they clearly had the edge in possession, but just couldn't connect for a while, until Shea came in and tapped in a shot by Landon Donovan for the first, the only, and the winning goal of the match.
Not long after the game, I fell asleep on the couch, after trying to do some more reading. I didn't sleep very well last night, so it finally caught up to me. It felt good to take a nap. There was a lot of heavy rain this afternoon, so it just seemed appropriate to take a nap on the couch. I'm really thankful for that.
I'm starting to miss Jeannie. Generally I'm a pretty independent and solitary person, so I've been pretty content to spend time with Rocky and the Baby. But finally today I'm starting to miss Jeannie's company. She's a really sweet girl and I'm so happy that she's my girlfriend. Her not being here is the main reason I would say that today was a good but not a great day. I'll pick her up from PHL this Wednesday night, but I probably won't be able to truly catch up with her until Thursday after work. So until then, I'll just try to keep busy, keep my head up, and keep enjoying my time with Rocky and the Baby!
I spent some time out on the patio, drinking coffee and reading Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. And I spent some time cleaning up the apartment, because I thought Paul might come to visit (he never came through).
Later in the afternoon, I watched USA defeat Panama, 1-0, in the final match of the CONCACAF Gold Cup 2013. It was a good match. The first half was pretty even, due largely to the defense on each side. The second half opened up for the U.S., though, as they clearly had the edge in possession, but just couldn't connect for a while, until Shea came in and tapped in a shot by Landon Donovan for the first, the only, and the winning goal of the match.
Not long after the game, I fell asleep on the couch, after trying to do some more reading. I didn't sleep very well last night, so it finally caught up to me. It felt good to take a nap. There was a lot of heavy rain this afternoon, so it just seemed appropriate to take a nap on the couch. I'm really thankful for that.
I'm starting to miss Jeannie. Generally I'm a pretty independent and solitary person, so I've been pretty content to spend time with Rocky and the Baby. But finally today I'm starting to miss Jeannie's company. She's a really sweet girl and I'm so happy that she's my girlfriend. Her not being here is the main reason I would say that today was a good but not a great day. I'll pick her up from PHL this Wednesday night, but I probably won't be able to truly catch up with her until Thursday after work. So until then, I'll just try to keep busy, keep my head up, and keep enjoying my time with Rocky and the Baby!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
First chat with Father Ed
Life will continue! May faith carry me forward. May my experiences be a source of confidence in lessons learned and victories earned, rather than a weight holding me down. May love be my guiding light, God lead me ahead and those around me either walk with me or step aside. May I serve others and by doing so fulfill my mission.
Earlier this afternoon, from about 12:30pm to nearly 2:30pm, I sat at a kitchen table in the rectory of St. Charles Borromeo, chatting with Father Ed. I told him that I was there first to thank him. I said that in the five months or so that Jeannie and I have been going to church almost every Sunday, I've felt welcomed and very thankful to have St. Charles Borremeo in my life. I told Father Ed that my second reason for being there was to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better. My third reason for seeing him gave us a framework to meet that second purpose, the third reason being that I feel myself approaching a crossroads, both professionally and personally, and I hope to go the right way, if that can be said. So, with that, we talked for a while about his career as a priest in the Roman Catholic Church and how he has gone from one place to another over the course of 36 years as a priest (he said he was ordained as a priest in March (I believe) 1977). I shared with him the timeline of my life to this point, through childhood and now adulthood, and how I have not usually stayed longer than a handful of years in any one place, so I'm aware that there's very likely a certain inner or subconscious temporal expectation that it will soon be time to move on.
I also told Father Ed that I want to marry Jeannie, so I wanted to know more about marriage in the Church, but also the practical steps that we'd need to take to get there. His explanations to me were very clear and easy-to-understand. I told him that I respected and appreciated his lessons, as someone who often must explain complex legal concepts to low-income Philadelphians. I told him that, if it were up to me, we'd have a simple ceremony as part of a regular mass at St. Charles Borromeo, nothing too fancy or overblown. I told him that my style and personality is generally humble, so I didn't want to buy into the pomp of the "typical" American wedding. As an example, I told him that, unlike at least one of the other attorneys with whom I work, I don't need photos of myself throughout the office (or, quite frankly, on facebook) and, in fact, I didn't hang my framed law degrees on my office wall, until finally goaded by co-workers and convinced by my mother that clients would want a sense of confidence instilled by seeing my credentials displayed. Father Ed said that he never hung his religious degrees either; so I was happy to have something in common with him, something he could relate with me.
The main preparation for marriage is that Jeannie and I must be confirmed, likely in the spring by the bishop at the main cathedral. Then, both before and after, Jeannie and I can meet with Father Ed to talk about marriage in the Catholic faith, as a means to assure that we're both understanding of the commitment, since it is a sacrament of the Church. Since Jeannie is away in Houston right now, visiting her biological mother, I'll have to talk with her about this when she's back.
It felt good to sit down and talk with someone. It felt nice to have a regular conversation, without pretense and also not over any kind of alcoholic drink. It also felt nice to be on the receiving end of advice, since as a lawyer I'm on the side of the desk that is giving advice. Even with that distinction, though, it felt to me like an authentic conversation between two men, something that I've missed very much in my life and, if I'm honest with myself, something that has very likely been a part of the dissatisfaction I've been feeling in my life for the past year or two, certainly since the death of Wagner, which seemed to create distance between my Philadelphia friends and me (perhaps out of protective distrust of others?), whereas one would believe that it would have brought us closer together.
At the end, I noticed that the time was getting late and Father Ed had to get ready for the 4:00 p.m. mass, so I thanked him for seeing me, I offered to help him around the rectory grounds any time he needs me, and said that I hoped we can continue the conversation another time soon. Walking the block and a half home, I felt as satisfied and calm/relieved as I have in a long while. Before I left, I asked Father Ed to pray for me; he said he would do so during his retreat this coming Monday through Friday in the hills of Virginia. I hope that God leads me to where I belong. I really look forward to it.
Earlier this afternoon, from about 12:30pm to nearly 2:30pm, I sat at a kitchen table in the rectory of St. Charles Borromeo, chatting with Father Ed. I told him that I was there first to thank him. I said that in the five months or so that Jeannie and I have been going to church almost every Sunday, I've felt welcomed and very thankful to have St. Charles Borremeo in my life. I told Father Ed that my second reason for being there was to get to know him better and for him to get to know me better. My third reason for seeing him gave us a framework to meet that second purpose, the third reason being that I feel myself approaching a crossroads, both professionally and personally, and I hope to go the right way, if that can be said. So, with that, we talked for a while about his career as a priest in the Roman Catholic Church and how he has gone from one place to another over the course of 36 years as a priest (he said he was ordained as a priest in March (I believe) 1977). I shared with him the timeline of my life to this point, through childhood and now adulthood, and how I have not usually stayed longer than a handful of years in any one place, so I'm aware that there's very likely a certain inner or subconscious temporal expectation that it will soon be time to move on.
I also told Father Ed that I want to marry Jeannie, so I wanted to know more about marriage in the Church, but also the practical steps that we'd need to take to get there. His explanations to me were very clear and easy-to-understand. I told him that I respected and appreciated his lessons, as someone who often must explain complex legal concepts to low-income Philadelphians. I told him that, if it were up to me, we'd have a simple ceremony as part of a regular mass at St. Charles Borromeo, nothing too fancy or overblown. I told him that my style and personality is generally humble, so I didn't want to buy into the pomp of the "typical" American wedding. As an example, I told him that, unlike at least one of the other attorneys with whom I work, I don't need photos of myself throughout the office (or, quite frankly, on facebook) and, in fact, I didn't hang my framed law degrees on my office wall, until finally goaded by co-workers and convinced by my mother that clients would want a sense of confidence instilled by seeing my credentials displayed. Father Ed said that he never hung his religious degrees either; so I was happy to have something in common with him, something he could relate with me.
The main preparation for marriage is that Jeannie and I must be confirmed, likely in the spring by the bishop at the main cathedral. Then, both before and after, Jeannie and I can meet with Father Ed to talk about marriage in the Catholic faith, as a means to assure that we're both understanding of the commitment, since it is a sacrament of the Church. Since Jeannie is away in Houston right now, visiting her biological mother, I'll have to talk with her about this when she's back.
It felt good to sit down and talk with someone. It felt nice to have a regular conversation, without pretense and also not over any kind of alcoholic drink. It also felt nice to be on the receiving end of advice, since as a lawyer I'm on the side of the desk that is giving advice. Even with that distinction, though, it felt to me like an authentic conversation between two men, something that I've missed very much in my life and, if I'm honest with myself, something that has very likely been a part of the dissatisfaction I've been feeling in my life for the past year or two, certainly since the death of Wagner, which seemed to create distance between my Philadelphia friends and me (perhaps out of protective distrust of others?), whereas one would believe that it would have brought us closer together.
At the end, I noticed that the time was getting late and Father Ed had to get ready for the 4:00 p.m. mass, so I thanked him for seeing me, I offered to help him around the rectory grounds any time he needs me, and said that I hoped we can continue the conversation another time soon. Walking the block and a half home, I felt as satisfied and calm/relieved as I have in a long while. Before I left, I asked Father Ed to pray for me; he said he would do so during his retreat this coming Monday through Friday in the hills of Virginia. I hope that God leads me to where I belong. I really look forward to it.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Keep Calm and Have Faith
I've been listening to a lot of Steely Dan lately. I like the smoothness of the music, the smartness of the lyrics, and the vague nostalgic feeling that I get when I listen to it. I've needed the calming effect a lot these days, and I'm grateful for that.
Earlier today, despite the warm, sunny skies, the power at the office cut out about 8 times in the course of half an hour, starting around 11am. Later, the phones even cut out for a while. I hung around until about 1:30pm, when we were allowed to go home. The phones were back, but our connection to the network and to the internet was still down, effectively making it impossible to work, since our case management software is internet-based and we need access to the network in order to open our saved documents. I was told that, for some unknown reason, there were rolling brown-outs on our block of Chestnut Street.
It felt so good to walk home that time of day. As I've written about the past couple days (and as I've been thinking about and feeling for at least the past couple months), I feel oppressed, uncomfortable, anxious or all of the above when I'm at work. Like a dark cloud lifting off my shoulders, leaving work and going home is a transition from bad to good. To be able to do it much earlier than expected today made it even sweeter. Something's got to change, that's all I'm gonna say on that topic right here, right now.
I want to be happy, I want to feel like I'm being useful, I want to serve others, I want to use my God-given gifts in a positive way, I want to feel accepted by others, I want to feel comfortable where I work and with the people who work with me, I want to be respected, I want to feel good about myself and the work I do, I want the courage and faith to make a positive change in my life, I want to do God's will, and I pray for God's grace to hear, and hopefully answer, my prayers.
Speaking of faith and God, during the break at work earlier, I called Father Ed on his cell phone and left a voicemail for him, asking to see him some time tomorrow late morning or early afternoon to chat. My goals in seeing him are just to thank him for making me feel welcome at St. Charles Borromeo, get to know him a little better and have him get to know me a little bit better, and I also think I may mention how I am feeling like I'm very likely approaching a crossroads in my life -- professionally as I've mentioned and also personally as I hope to move forward in my relationship with Jeannie -- and how I would welcome his thoughts or advice on either or both. I know he left a voicemail for me a little while ago, so I think I'll check that now.
Earlier today, despite the warm, sunny skies, the power at the office cut out about 8 times in the course of half an hour, starting around 11am. Later, the phones even cut out for a while. I hung around until about 1:30pm, when we were allowed to go home. The phones were back, but our connection to the network and to the internet was still down, effectively making it impossible to work, since our case management software is internet-based and we need access to the network in order to open our saved documents. I was told that, for some unknown reason, there were rolling brown-outs on our block of Chestnut Street.
It felt so good to walk home that time of day. As I've written about the past couple days (and as I've been thinking about and feeling for at least the past couple months), I feel oppressed, uncomfortable, anxious or all of the above when I'm at work. Like a dark cloud lifting off my shoulders, leaving work and going home is a transition from bad to good. To be able to do it much earlier than expected today made it even sweeter. Something's got to change, that's all I'm gonna say on that topic right here, right now.
I want to be happy, I want to feel like I'm being useful, I want to serve others, I want to use my God-given gifts in a positive way, I want to feel accepted by others, I want to feel comfortable where I work and with the people who work with me, I want to be respected, I want to feel good about myself and the work I do, I want the courage and faith to make a positive change in my life, I want to do God's will, and I pray for God's grace to hear, and hopefully answer, my prayers.
Speaking of faith and God, during the break at work earlier, I called Father Ed on his cell phone and left a voicemail for him, asking to see him some time tomorrow late morning or early afternoon to chat. My goals in seeing him are just to thank him for making me feel welcome at St. Charles Borromeo, get to know him a little better and have him get to know me a little bit better, and I also think I may mention how I am feeling like I'm very likely approaching a crossroads in my life -- professionally as I've mentioned and also personally as I hope to move forward in my relationship with Jeannie -- and how I would welcome his thoughts or advice on either or both. I know he left a voicemail for me a little while ago, so I think I'll check that now.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Got some things off my chest
This afternoon, some time around 5:30pm give or take, Sue came into my office and asked me something along the lines of "how have you been?" or "how's it going?" I told her the truth, I said that I was unhappy. We talked for at least an hour, if not closer to an hour and a half, since it was nearly 7pm when we finished talking and she left my office.
I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest. But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego. In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation. Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer. So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue. In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.
During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation. First, the anecdote. I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game. I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.
Second, the analogy. I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit. I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone. Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together. I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.
During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself. I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual. I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed. Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.
In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA. Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA. Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave. I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.
Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other. When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes. Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.
If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it. There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.
As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything. I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave? I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.
With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring. In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.
I felt good getting a lot of things off my chest. But I also fear that it'll be the same residual effect as after I spoke with Richard a couple weeks ago, before I left with Jeannie for our trip to Mexico and San Diego. In that case, I felt satisfied to share some thoughts with him, but the only assurance from his part in response to my feelings and concerns was, "we're working on it," without any more specific explanation. Today, Sue seemed somewhat genuine in caring about me not feeling happy, but she also seemed somewhat pleased (if that's even the right word) at my suggestion that I may not belong at PLA any longer. So, I fear that, just as with Richard, there will be a short-term feeling that comes naturally from getting inner tension-causing thoughts into the open, but that the pervading feeling of being uncomfortably odd man out will continue. In other words, I fear that the root causes will not be addressed, and so the tension will build again until I eventually leave PLA.
During our talk, I shared one anecdote and one analogy with Sue, both of which I applied to the current situation. First, the anecdote. I told Sue that I played football in college, where I set the record for the fastest 40-yard dash in the history of Gettysburg College, but yet the head coach would only call plays to throw the ball to me about once per game. I told Sue that the story is an example of a coach not understanding his players', and thus his team's, strengths and how it was an example of not maximizing a player's full potential.
Second, the analogy. I reminded Sue again that, although I've had difficulty identifying and articulating the direct source of my unhappiness of work, I've shared -- both to the whole unit in a notable unit meeting a few months ago and to individuals in private conversations -- my sense that there is a gender bias in the unit, both in assessing respective clients' cases and in how we relate to each other as individuals in the unit. I told Sue that I didn't necessarily believe that the gender bias was something conscious or intentional on the part of anyone. Then, I gave the example of children in a school cafeteria; the children who share a bond or an affinity, usually through skin color or through gender, often sit together. I said that I felt that the same thing may be happening in the family law unit; the women all bond together in a clique, whereas I am left out because I'm a man.
During our conversation, I also reassured Sue several times that I have nothing personal against anyone in the unit, including Sue herself. I told her that I've certainly had and still have complaints and criticisms of the family law unit as well as PLA in general, but I don't hold anything against any individual. I told Sue that, in fact, I think Lizzy and Nour especially are a great job and how just today I commended Nour on all her amazing work on the DOJ grant report, which I sincerely meant and I which I hope Nour believed. Rather, my sense of unhappiness arises from the tone or vibe or culture of the unit, of which the issue of gender bias and/or female clique-ishness seems to be one of the biggest causes.
In what was the most difficult point in the conversation, for me, I asked Sue if she would want me to leave PLA. Sue's answer was non-responsive to begin with, and she almost seemed to smile, leading to me to believe then and still now that Sue really would like for me to leave PLA. Her answer, in essence, was that she couldn't answer that for me, but that I "add value" to the unit, so she wouldn't want me to leave. I can't begrudge her answer or perceived attitude in light of the tenuousness of our relationship over the past few months, but I also need to take note that she likely would be pleased if I left PLA.
Sue and I also had a few breakthrough moments where it was clear that we each expressed feelings of empathy towards the other. When Sue said that she genuinely cared about me when I was going through my break-up from Ileana, I could see that Sue was emotionally touched, based on the look in her eyes. Later, when I was reiterating that I just wanted to be happy at work and that it wasn't as if I wanted to burden anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, I also felt emotional and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.
If nothing else, I hope that Sue understands that I don't necessarily want to leave, but if I remain unhappy then I will definitely consider it. There was a lot more to the conversation than these highlights, but I don't want to re-hash the whole thing again right now.
As I said above, and as I told Sue directly, I had hoped that my time away from the office might have refreshed my outlook, but that in reality I felt just as dissatisfied, leading me to struggle these past two days to find the motivation to come to an office where I don't feel happy, don't feel supported, don't feel a part of anything. I owned up that there are no excuses for my lateness these past two days, and I wasn't going to offer any, but that I'm most interested in getting to the heart of the issue, which may likely boil down to: will there be changes or will I have to leave? I asked Sue to have the respect to tell me directly if she wants me to leave; I said that I don't want to be anywhere where I'm not welcome to be.
With all that said, let's see what the next few weeks bring. In some way or another, they will very likely be pivotal.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Return to Writing
I miss writing. So I'm happy to be back on here. I'm hoping I can keep up with it. I have so much to work through, particularly as my career is concerned, that I know that I need to write. I can feel it in my bones. It's like the feeling one gets after being sedentary for a good while, when the body finally tells the mind that it's time to get up and start moving around, get the blood flowing, feel alive again. This is the same kind of thing, but it some ways it goes deeper than that. It raises one of the big questions: what am I going to do with my life? Not to say that I ought to dramatize it or make it more than it is. But these intimations seem to be telling me: the times, they are a-changin'.
To finally verbalize these intimations, I must admit that I haven't been happy with my life at work. There's a gender bias at PLA, both in assessing cases and also among the co-workers in my unit. I believe that most of the time it's likely subconscious, or in other words, not intentional. But my primary contention is that, after pointing it out, I've felt something like an outcast. I ask myself if I've brought it on myself. That's very likely, to a substantial degree. But I also undoubtedly feel like the same undertones and cultural tenor continue. And that tone is set, as it usually is anywhere else, at the top, here by our supervising attorney. In fact, just the day before yesterday, at our weekly unit meeting this past Monday, one of the paralegals, a woman, asked our supervisor if our supervisor's assessment of a particular wasn't "sexist." I'm tired of the emotionally draining environment. Like a bad relationship -- one in which I feel bad to be who I am, one in which I am no longer growing, one in which I'm not even acknowledged for anything positive, but only criticized in the infrequent opportunities when I can be -- I believe it's time to cut the cord and move on. My own mental and emotional health depends on it. Due to the wholeness of life, Jeannie and those others in my life also deserve for me to be at least generally happy. And due to the shortness of life, why stay in something that doesn't serve a positive purpose?
This externally imposed period of self-reflection leads me to ask even bigger questions, such as: should I even remain in the practice of law? My outstanding student loans would suggest that I should. The dreamer in me would suggest maybe not, maybe now is the time to do something else. I also wonder: should I even remain in Philadelphia? Again, the practical me would say yes. But the dreamer in me would say, there's a whole world out there. And I'm with a girl who would be with me no matter where we go. For that, and for the blessing to be in the enviable position of having this first-world freedom, I'm very thankful. I thank God and I pray that God guide me where I need to be.
To finally verbalize these intimations, I must admit that I haven't been happy with my life at work. There's a gender bias at PLA, both in assessing cases and also among the co-workers in my unit. I believe that most of the time it's likely subconscious, or in other words, not intentional. But my primary contention is that, after pointing it out, I've felt something like an outcast. I ask myself if I've brought it on myself. That's very likely, to a substantial degree. But I also undoubtedly feel like the same undertones and cultural tenor continue. And that tone is set, as it usually is anywhere else, at the top, here by our supervising attorney. In fact, just the day before yesterday, at our weekly unit meeting this past Monday, one of the paralegals, a woman, asked our supervisor if our supervisor's assessment of a particular wasn't "sexist." I'm tired of the emotionally draining environment. Like a bad relationship -- one in which I feel bad to be who I am, one in which I am no longer growing, one in which I'm not even acknowledged for anything positive, but only criticized in the infrequent opportunities when I can be -- I believe it's time to cut the cord and move on. My own mental and emotional health depends on it. Due to the wholeness of life, Jeannie and those others in my life also deserve for me to be at least generally happy. And due to the shortness of life, why stay in something that doesn't serve a positive purpose?
This externally imposed period of self-reflection leads me to ask even bigger questions, such as: should I even remain in the practice of law? My outstanding student loans would suggest that I should. The dreamer in me would suggest maybe not, maybe now is the time to do something else. I also wonder: should I even remain in Philadelphia? Again, the practical me would say yes. But the dreamer in me would say, there's a whole world out there. And I'm with a girl who would be with me no matter where we go. For that, and for the blessing to be in the enviable position of having this first-world freedom, I'm very thankful. I thank God and I pray that God guide me where I need to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
