Rainy Monday

It was cloudy and overcast all day today.  It drizzled lightly for most of the afternoon through the evening and it continues to rain as I write this.  I didn't go into work today.  I felt completely demotivated, despite what I wrote yesterday.  Bottom line: I'm unhappy and dissatisfied with my workplace.

To add on top of that, the pressure is building with the birth of our baby girl.  In spite of my own advice to Jeannie to not get sucked into the seeming significance of the due date last Thursday, April 3rd, I find myself wanting and hoping more and more with each additional day that the baby is born.

Then, to add on top of that even more, Jeannie has been sad, telling me that she has been crying at least once per day for the past few days.  She says that part of it is hormones, which is almost certainly true.  But, as I suggested, and she agreed, the idea of becoming a mother is making Jeannie miss her own mother, who passed away in late January 2013, more and more.  I know that Jeannie wishes that her mother was still here to help her through this experience, and also to share in the happiness of the coming of our daughter.

So things these days are sad.  When they should be really happy.

I spent a couple hours hanging out this evening with Father Ed.  I got a lot off my chest and he did a great job listening and giving some perspective by way of sharing some stories.  I'm very glad that I was able to hang out with him, but it didn't take away all my negative feelings.  I continue to pray to God to get me through this phase and break through to the other side.

I've gotta pull my shit together, if for nothing than for my own pride and even more importantly for my own health.  My plan is to wake up at my normal time tomorrow and go right to the gym for a short, basic work-out, nothing heavy, nothing wild, then come home, eat breakfast, and go through my normal morning routine.  I'm hoping that I can get into a good routine, where I'm adding a physical element to my self-care.  I've been very good about reading (intellectual element) and I've been pretty good about going to church (religious/spiritual element), but I haven't gone to the gym at all since two or three days before my wedding date.  My intuition tells me that if I can begin this new routine with modest expectations of just getting there for a half-hour per day every morning, then I'll have enough stress relief to get through the immediate future.

Oh yeah, and the birth of my daughter should also bring some happiness too!  I have faith that I can get through this; I must have faith.  God help me.