Moving my state of mind forward

This is something I've been thinking about for a week or so, if not at a deeper level for bit longer.  I've got to let go all the negativity that I feel from work.  Feeling this way isn't going to change anything, except harm my emotional health internally and, by extension, my relationships with others.  Thus, I want and hope to move my state of mind forward.

Since my meetings with R. and A. several months ago, in which I clearly stated my dissatisfaction (yet nothing has changed), my focus has been doing my job and sticking to myself.  So, externally, I was just getting my shit done and minimizing my interaction with others; not necessarily the best tack, but at least I was getting my work done and not interfering with anyone's work or causing dissent in any kind of way.  Essentially, I've been a silent minority.

The problem with that role is that, with continuing internal resentment, my silence was eating away at me.  When I'm at my most natural state, I'm dynamic and I have a personality and I participate.  Thus, being something, for months on end, different from my true self can only negatively effect me.  Think about suppressing yourself and how that would effect you over the course of time.  Again, the comparison (which I've made in previous posts) to an abusive relationship is apposite.

But getting back to the point of this post, I realize that I must move on to the next stage here: don't take it all so seriously; and find meaning in this challenge of life.  In this regard, there's an analogy to be made with my last big relationship, with Ileana.  At the end of it, I felt like a victim, I felt that I had been wronged and taken for granted and I felt angry at letting myself get to that point.  After the break-up and during the course of my short relationship with Adaliz, I slowly began to come out of my shell, I began to have fun and live in the moment, I began to realize that life moves forward and it's not all so bleak, and there are lessons that I can learn from the trials of life, and although Ileana certainly made mistakes, it wasn't worth my energy to be angry at her, since it was all "meant to be."  Was this response a form of self-preservation?  Perhaps.  But I also think it was the shifting of perspective.

It reminds me of some advice I just gave to my friend Lorge last weekend when he was telling me about someone in his life (I won't get into the story here) who he has been trying to help.  After listening to his story, I told him that the person he wanted to help was basically a "passive receiver" in every attempt to help him: he was receiving advice or being told what to do; he was not actually being asked to explain or actively justify his decisions, he was not challenged to do something.  He was not being an "active doer."  And people just giving him advice or criticism was keeping him in that passive receiver role.  Thus, not helpful.

Applying that to my situation now, I want to shift my focus from what I'm unhappy about and begin letting go.  Instead of directing my energy toward (internally) pinning blame and criticism on people at work -- which I feel justified that I can certainly do -- I'll now rather accept them as they are, and understand that I just don't belong there.  Instead of blaming the people, I'll "blame" the situation.  Every team or organization has a culture, and for whatever reason, I fit in a bit more when I first started there, and now I don't fit in.  Maybe it's that they've changed.  Or maybe it's that I've changed.  In either possibility, I should accept it and move on.

A few years ago, I tried to "change" the unit by creating questionnaires to re-define and re-focus our priorities and the objective of our work.  Knowing that the paralegals were unhappy, and seeing that the intake system was not effective, I challenged the unit to erase all assumptions and I asked everyone to think about what changes we could make, to make our work more efficient and to make ourselves happier.  I thought I was doing a great thing, leading the unit down a fresh path that it hadn't been, and where it needed to go.  But at the end of the process, there was no will from our leadership -- from the supervising attorney S. to our executive director A.  When it came time for action and change, no one really cared.  One of the paralegals at that time, Rebecca, wrote a card to me, encouraging me in my efforts to stay positive.  In contrast, two of the other paralegals, Mary Ann and Belinda, were very negative and cynical and told me to quit wasting my time, because nothing was going to change.  Looking back now, history shows that Mary Ann and Belinda were right -- nothing changed, for the lack of leadership mentioned above.  Change only came later, when someone "above" the unit, someone associated with executive director A. came in to impose change from the outside, to overcome supervising attorney S's complacence: J. P.  He came in and made changes and got all the credit for making those changes.  And he continues to make changes at [...], to the chagrin of the union, who feels that he's acting unilaterally and without proper authority.  But with A.'s blessing, he can do it and no one is going to stop him.  Objectively speaking, he's done more to change the organization than anyone else in 10 years, and I give him credit for it.  But what management is missing -- is completely oblivious to -- is the reaction this illogical organizational structure naturally has on the rest of the organization, particularly those stakeholders who feel that their voice that has been silenced, a role that's been minimized.  It's a very top-down organization, more so than ever before.  As I've written previously, power is concentrated in about 2 or 3 people.  What's total bullshit from my perspective is that I tried to make these changes, and not only did these changes not get made when I brought them up, someone else later brought them up and got all the credit for making those changes.  Then why am I even here???  To do my work, rack up numbers, and keep my mouth shut?  It sure seems that way.  If you have talent on a team, then take it for granted or fail to exploit it in a positive way, what does that say about your leadership, what does that say about your management style???

And now, instead of caring so much about mismanagement, I'm just gonna leave it where it is.  It's like I told Jeannie at her last job, when people began to leave: "they're all jumping ship" due to mismanagement from the CEO and COO of that company.  She refused to believe me initially, because she still bought in to the people and the party line, she gave them the benefit of the doubt, she wanted to believe.  But later, when Jeannie's voice (a very intelligent one, at that) was repeatedly disregarded, Jeannie understood what I had observed from early on.  And she herself jumped ship, and it was the right decision.  She eventually went somewhere where she is appreciated and exploited for her skills and talents in a positive way.  She feels validated.  I know she's proud of her work.  And she feels happy, which is really, really important in this life.

I'm going to keep doing good work, because my clients depend on me and because I have pride in what I do.  But I'm not going to worry about supervision and management any more; I'm not going to be the boyfriend who wishes for more from the girlfriend who ultimately doesn't really care about him.  They're people just the same and I can only assume that they're doing the best that they can.  I would hope that they have nothing against me and so, I'm not going to worry about it.  I've made my attempts to be a leader, but I was rebuffed; I can't say that I didn't try.  If my skills aren't required there, then so be it.  The sun will still rise tomorrow.  They can run their organization however they see fit, that's their right since that's their job.  But I also have the right to the pursuit of happiness.  As I tell many of my clients, I'll let go of what's not in my control, and try to figure out and focus on what is.  My goal is to be happy, plain and simple.  And that means being my true self, the best version of myself, something I haven't been at work in a long time.