I had a really bad night tonight. One of the worst nights that I've had in a long time.
I went to a bar to try to drink it off. Really immature, I know. But I just wanted to drink myself into a stupor. It didn't exactly work, as you can see since I'm still awake and typing into the blog right now. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I could barely sleep at all last night.
Earlier today, I went out to Lancaster to try to lay it all on the line for my ex-girlfriend. I've realized that I still really love her, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. But she drove me against my will to the train station at the end of her first show, telling me that another guy was coming in at around 2am tonight to visit her. My heart was totally ripped to shreds. And to add injury upon injury, she insists that she has plans to be with another guy, a 25 year-old kid, on New Year's Eve.
I brought her 12 long-stem red roses to her show today. I guess it doesn't matter, though, when someone doesn't love you. I give up. I'm not going to compete against other guys, especially kids.
I pray to God that there is someone out there for me. Someone who will not push me away. Someone who will express her emotions to me. By that I mean: someone who will not turn cold on me at any hint of conflict or difficulty. I want someone who is affectionate toward me. Someone who loves me for my passion; not someone who makes fun of me for it.
I tried to drink myself into oblivion tonight; it didn't work. It's nearly 3am right now. I know that Cherise is with a guy right now. That guy is in her bedrooom right this very second. I wish I was drunk. I wish I could cease existing for the next week or so.
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2 comments:
I stumbled upon your blog in the middle of the night. My little girl has been up for three nights on and off, probably just afraid of the night, so my wife and I are taking turns easing her back to sleep. However, my wife’s cold has made her want to sleep so I am on the night watch for the remainder of the night.
I read this post and followed the thread for Cherise to get a little insight into the situation. Obviously one can’t ascertain the complexity of five years with someone from a handful of blog entries, but something you mentioned in your first entry about Cherise (10/23/03) was interesting. You said, “It was very apparent to me early on that she is a very sweet, caring, and compassionate person. This is the type of girl I want to be with.”
I’m sober to the fact that I don’t know you, and what I do know is through the filter of how you see yourself and how you see Cherise. However, you laid it out pretty clear in the beginning. You know what you want. Whether Cherise is capable of being what you are looking for I can’t know. One thing I do notice is that you are a very smart guy with a lot of drive and compassion and good sense. However, even when you have all of these things driving you, it is easy to be blinded by desire. I’m not so much talking about physical desire (which could be part of it), but your desire to be with the person you are called to be with. It’s not really fair to Cherise to expect her to be something she may not be able to be. It’s not fair to fall in love with someone because of who you think they can become – it’s not fair to her or true to yourself.
It’s amazing to me that you have followed this dream to help people and made it a reality. Even if you don’t feel all the way there yet you have accomplished a lot. You’ve continued to grow since this relationship started, but this woman is not growing in the same direction. It seems within your modus to continue to pursue her and give her the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds like she isn’t interested in become what you see her potential to become.
It’s a scary thing to let someone like that go; but by pouring your energy and effort into Cherise, who isn’t interested in returning it, you are too empty to pour that into someone who will. Ultimately what you want is for that affection, compassion and dignity to be returned to you. The idea of having no one there to point those affections to scares you, so you continue to direct it toward someone who cannot, or isn’t willing, to return it.
You’ve reached countless times in your life where you had to choose to step out of your status quo and follow what you know is true. The fact that you still believe in love now is evidence of that. I wonder if you believe you are worthy to receive the love you can offer. If you believe that, then having nothing before you is far greater than throwing those riches into an empty cistern. You think?
Thanks for your comment, semifl. In an entry that I posted earlier tonight, I tried to fairly relate the recent history of Cherise and me. So I won't get into that too much here.
The main thing that I take away from your comment is that I need to be careful not to be wasting my time trying to mold -- either in reality or in my own mind -- Cherise to be what I want/need her to be for me. I'm aware of that trap, and that's why I made that list on her most recent birthday, to really see on paper what are her pros and cons, and to see if the cons show a totally untenable and unrealistic relationship.
Cherise and I have had a vicious cycle due to our defensive mechanisms. When faced with difficulties in the relationship, she gets cold and I disappear. When either one did that in the past, the other would eventually get scared that the other one was seriously not into the relationship. Her constant traveling (which I supported, albeit sometimes reluctantly), due to her work, created a challenge to working through those behavioral issues. And as much as anything else, that's what led me to break-up with her: the distance and lack of consistent companionship. She said very recently that she wants that now (hopefully with me), i.e. consistent companionship and a stable lifestyle.
Call me a romantic, but I believe that if Cherise and I truly love each other, we can commit to working through those issues together. I believe that she does love me, but has been too scared up til this point to risk giving herself up to me again in a fully-fledged relationship; she's scared of being hurt again.
I also think that she resents that I blew her (and her hopes) off when she got to Lancaster, and she's trying to punish me, or at least even the score, as childish as that sounds.
But that's why her words, and especially her actions, immediately after the new year will be critical to deciding whether she and I will get back together or else part ways.
I want to be her exclusive boyfriend, and begin taking concrete steps together with her toward marriage. But if she continues to want to keep in touch with this guy, then it'll be clear that she doesn't have the same feelings for me that I have for her (despite things she's said), and then I'd have to walk away and cut all contact for my own good. If she wants to play the field, then she'll be the "empty cistern" that you say.
Of course I hope that isn't what happens. The ball is in her court for the moment, and I hope she loves me, and thus chooses to be with me exclusively.
I really appreciate your thoughts. Any more feedback would be appreciated.
By the way, I hope your daughter can quickly overcome her fear of the night. "Dark is not the opposite of light; it's the absence of light." And then that way, you can have a good night's sleep of your own.
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