My mom

More often than not, I can't stand my mom.  I can only take her in small, infrequent doses.  Our best conversations are by telephone, since she actually listens and pays attention.  In person, she is easily distracted and generally doesn't listen.  In fact, in almost every single in-person conversation with my mom these days, I eventually say something to the effect of: "as I just mentioned a few minutes ago..." or "I already answered that question."  Thankfully, she's usually a better listener with others.  But even that being said, I find myself cringing or feeling shame when I can visually observe her fail to pay attention to someone else -- I can actually see that she's not listening to what they're saying.  What should I do in that situation?  Say something to her, thereby putting her on the spot?  I just let it happen.  I don't say anything.  I know that it's a combination of anxiety/attention deficit, along with good old-fashioned self-centeredness, that leads my mother to completely zone out of the conversation and into her own thoughts, usually in advance of what she's about to say next.

Do I act this way?  Possibly, but I sure hope not.  When I began my career as a paralegal at [...], I prided myself on my own development into a good listener.  It was something that helped my clients to gain trust in me.  And in my personal life, it helped me to quickly develop close relationships with the women that I met.  At this point in time, though, to be honestly self-critical, I feel that I've lost that skill to a certain degree.  As a paralegal I met with a high volume of clients on a daily basis; that helped to hone that skill to a highly developed level.  Now, as a lawyer, with a much lower volume of client contact and somewhat less frequency, I feel that my level of this skill has diminished somewhat.

Anyway, back to my mom, one of her downfalls is that she always talks as if she knows with absolute certainty what she's talking about, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so often on topics for which she has no real experience.  One of her favorite lead-in lines is: "they say...", to which I'll sometimes challenge her by asking "who is 'they'?"  In other words, she has no citations or authorities for her very bold opinions.

As a perfect example, my mom was very confident in a conversation with Jeannie today about how an IRA, like a 401(k), can be rolled-over into a Roth IRA.  Jeannie and I just met with a financial adviser today!  Jeannie told my mom that an already existing IRA cannot be rolled-over into a Roth IRA, unless of course the titleholder is willing to pay a large penalty fee.  Jeannie had to say this twice to my mom before she heard and understood her.  This example is typical of my mom.  She will be not just confident but stubbornly positive about her position/opinion, even if she has no backing for it.  Fortunately, Jeannie has a ton more patience than I do; it's one of the qualities I love most about her, since she certainly counterbalances me on that point.

Finally, to wrap-up this post, I'll admit that the impetus to write it was something that my mom said to me right before leaving earlier today.  As she was about to walk out the door, I came upstairs to bring a Gatorade bottle that she had left here from her previous visit.  I told her that she should take it since it was hers and I held on to it for her as she had said that I should.  My mom replied pointedly by saying "that's not true."  I felt angry right away and told her that I asked her to take it with her last time when she left, but she said then that I should keep it for her for the next time she came to visit -- which happened to be today.  She repeated "that's not true."  I felt very angry and asked her, "are you calling me a liar?" at which point Jeannie, who was already out the door with Seva, quickly said to my mom, "okay, let's go," in an attempt to ward off any kind of argument.  I wasn't in the mood to deal with it anyway, so I turned on my heels, went directly downstairs, and poured out the rest of the Gatorade down the kitchen sink, and recycled the plastic bottle.  This final vignette is another example of my mom: in her mind and memory, she can never be wrong.  It's so maddeningly annoying.  For which reason, I said that more often than not I can't stand my mom.

Analysis of my relationship with Ileana, and how it still effects me today

With the benefit of the passing of time and the diminishing of strong feelings, I can more easily see my relationship with Ileana more clearly.  There was a turning point in there somewhere, much much sooner than the actual end of the relationship.  As with so many relationships, I'm sure there wasn't a specific day that there was a turning point.  But looking back through old emails as mile-markers, I'd say it was somewhere between November 19, 2010 (when Ileana and I went to see George Lopez live at the Academy of Music) and March 29, 2011 (when we returned from three weeks in Costa Rica).  If either one of us had any sense (me) or any courage (her), we should have ended our relationship after returning from that trip.

The fact of the matter was that I was 33 years old at that time -- ready not just for a relationship, but for marriage -- while on the other hand Ileana was only 24 years old -- fresh into post-college 20s and ready to be free.  The problem was that I was too myopic to the possibility of life and love after Ileana and (frankly) too obsessed with her to have the sense to end the relationship, despite the consistent recurring waves of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment from her.  For me, at that time, ending the relationship wasn't even an option.

The problem for Ileana was that she was caught between a rock and a hard place.  The rock: the fact that she was only a couple years out of college and she wanted to live the "typical" life of a young woman in her mid-20s, proving her independence to herself by renting her own apartment, paying her own bills, working for herself, and in all other respects to be free and independent.  The hard place: the prospect of a guaranteed relationship with a good guy with a good career, something that I know for a fact her own mother emphasized in her mother's support of me as Ileana's boyfriend.  Ileana was caught between those two irreconcilable options.  At times of difficulty and indecision on her part, I pointed this out to Ileana; thus, she can't say that she didn't understand the issue.

And the whole thing was a classic catch-22.  Ileana would go through major ups and downs (I could speculate as to the source/cause of those mood swings, but I won't do any more than put it out there for the reader to guess).  When she was in an anti-relationship phase, I would feel sad or scared that the relationship was going to end and that I had to "work harder."  (I laugh at that now).  I would "try hard," which would push her away even further, since that was a threat to her freedom.  Then, I would get the message and back off, which would then play into her insecurities and she would come back to me.  I also suspect that she came back out of guilt -- for having abandoned the relationship for whatever period of time and towards the end of the relationship (or perhaps much sooner) for having cheated on me with other men.  So her guilt and insecurities would bring her back to me -- the shittiest reasons for a woman to ever come back to a man.  And the whole thing continued like that for months.  It was an emotional disaster, especially as more and more time went by.

As I wrote above, one of us should have ended the relationship at the year-and-a-half mark, when we returned to Philly from Costa Rica.  That trip was so horrendous that I haven't been back to Costa Rica since then.  It left such a sour taste in my mouth -- I didn't have any fun with Ileana.  The whole trip was a stressful debacle.  Her lack of any sense of humor or ability to have fun killed the trip.  And playing myself into that serious mood and emotional tenor, I was very critical towards Ileana during that trip.  As I said, it was a disaster.  We should have broken up then, but my lack of sense and her failure to overcome her fears kept us in a paralysis for the next year -- requiring that we each do some really shitty things to each other to finally wake our senses to the reality of our dysfunctional, toxic relationship.

As I look back now, I can live with the lessons learned from that failed relationship.  I'm happily married now, with none of the issues that marred my relationship with Ileana.  What does bother me is that around that time frame of late 2010 to early 2011, the negativity and seriousness and lack of sense of humor of Ileana -- and my relationship with her -- began to effect my mood and humor.  And I do not think I've fully recovered my own sense of self since then.  It's something that I've talked about recently with my wife, Jeannie.  I read through old emails and facebook posts from before November 19, 2010 (to pick a mile-marker): I was funny, I was light-hearted, I didn't take myself too seriously.  But after March 29, 2011 (again, simply to pick an easy mile-marker), I'm not so funny, I'm angry much more than I care to be, I often have little patience, and I'm quite serious (and I have a lot more gray hair).  In short, I can't stand what I've turned into.  I know that negative and challenging experiences at work have played to a certain degree into this transformation, but I place the main onus and cause on my relationship with Ileana.  And that's the part that still makes me angry (ironic, right?).

I really want a fresh start.  I pray to God for another transformation, this time a positive one, a return to basics, to the real me: someone funny and light-hearted and witty and sarcastic and playfully immature.  Fortunately, God has blessed me with a wonderful wife, who makes me laugh sometimes and who laughs at almost all of my silly jokes.  I've also been blessed with a beautiful daughter, Seva, who has already helped to bring out the playful side of me, and will hopefully continue to do so as she gets older and turns from a baby into a little girl.  I've only been free from my toxic and hurtful relationship with Ileana for just over two years.  I know that I shouldn't expect changes to come so soon.  But I hope (and pray to God) that, come 2015, 2016, and beyond, my true self shines forth and I can reclaim my happiness in life.  I trust that these were hard lessons that I needed to learn, to value the importance of commitment and reciprocity in a mutually respectful and mature relationship and to finally grow up.  Still, I just want to be happy, not just in the moment that I do something silly or enjoy a fun moment with Jeannie or Seva, but deep down in the core of my being.  I'll be patient and hope that God hears my prayer and answers me.

In the meantime, dear reader, I hope this post clarifies to you who I am these days.  If you know me and I've hurt you in any way over these last three years, I hope you understand better where I'm coming from.  And I hope that you will forgive me.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Towards Good Health

Once again, I've left myself very little time to write, so once again I'll have to write some short blurbs.

I took a bike ride today, just as I did last Wednesday.  It felt good.  By the time I came inside I was drenched in sweat and still sweating more.  My lung capacity is nowhere near top shape, but hopefully I can continue moving in a positive direction.  Both rides were about a half-hour long (32 minutes today, 29 minutes last week, to be exact).

This coming Sunday will be Father Ed's last mass as pastor at St. Charles Borromeo.  It's gonna be hard to imagine St. Charles without him.  I hope that the parish (including me) can make the transition positively.

I miss the fun, competitiveness, and togetherness of high school football.  It was a unique experience in my life and one that I think about often.  There's nothing like it as an adult.  Although the competitive aspects of being a lawyer sometimes come close, I can't say that it's as fun as playing football and my most recent chapter certainly lacks the togetherness that characterized my high school football experience.

Tonight Jeannie cooked cheese ravioli with spaghetti sauce with meatballs and spinach for dinner.  It was good.  We ate it while watching The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on tv.  Although I fell asleep for part of it, it was a decent movie.

Since I've been on paternity leave, I feel that my physical health and mental health have both improved.  I've been exercising every weekday since I've been on leave, which has led me to feel better already.  And simply being away from the negative, personality-dulling effects of the office, I've felt much better about myself.  On both counts, physical and mental, I know that I have more progress to make in direction of good health and feeling good about myself, but I know I'm heading the right way for both.  It's a good feeling, and for that I thank God.

Short Post for a Late Night

I just got off the phone with my sister Jess, so I don't have much time to post this before midnight.  So I'll keep it short.

Seva has been smiling socially more and more.  She definitely recognizes Jeannie and me when she sees us.  I don't really have any point of reference, but I've been very impressed with the strength of Seva's legs.  She can stand up straight, with just a little reinforcement, more for balance than anything else.  She also strongly prefers to be held rather than left to sit alone; I wonder if this is a precursor or indication of her level of attachment to Jeannie and me.  I guess we'll find out over time.

A stray mother cat recently gave birth to kittens in our small strip of backyard.  It's a slim, mostly gray tabby cat with four kittens.  The mother cat picked a little cove under a small tree-like weed growing against the gray wooden-slat wall at the back of our property.  For the past few days, I periodically peer over the edge of the wall surrounding our sunken patio to check on the status of the mother cat and her kittens.

Costa Rica played England to a 0-0 draw today.  And thus, Costa Rica won their group.  By doing so, they're now scheduled to play the runner-up of another group, Greece, in the first game of the next round.  Jess just told me that game is scheduled to be played this coming Sunday afternoon.  I'll certainly be watching.

I've been making very slow progress with my latest book, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez.  The book is chock-filled with many interesting and flavorful details.  The writing is exquisite and top-notch.  But perhaps my attention span, though probably longer than many my age and younger, is still shorter than required for this type of book.  I blame my generation and the culture I live in (as I type this with my tongue in cheek).

Finally, just for posterity's sake, I just want to reiterate that I love Rocky & the Baby very much.  I still love petting the Baby and playing with Rocky.  I love when they "talk" to me by meowing.  I love observing them when they're napping peacefully.  I love that they've been my companions since February 2005.  I love them so much and I'm so thankful that they're a part of my life and I'm a (very major) part of theirs.

Sorry for the Delay

We haven't had internet access at home for about three weeks, thus the delay since my last post.  I got sick of Comcast repeatedly trying to raise their rates for cable and internet without offering any additional service.  Why would anyone in their right mind pay more money for the same amount of the same thing?  The only exception to the obvious answer is if you are paying for a limited (or more to the point, diminishing) commodity, which of course cable and internet are not.  So, we switched to DirecTV and Verizon FiOS.  And so far, we're happy.

So, what can I say about the last three weeks?  On Sunday, June 8th, Jeannie and I got confirmed at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul.  Archbishop Charles Chaput conducted the confirmation.  Just before it was my turn, I bowed slightly before the cathedra (throne, or chair, where the archbishop was sitting).  After the archbishop confirmed me, he shook my hand, to which I said, "Thank you, Your Excellency.  May God bless you."  Jeannie was confirmed right after me.  It was a very nice ceremony, though it lasted a very long time due to the large number of mostly children receiving their confirmation.  Afterwards, knowing that it was too late to go home and cook dinner, Jeannie, Seva and I went to dinner at Asia on the Parkway.  It was a beautiful evening, so we dined al fresco.  Mentioning Seva reminds me that she slept through the entire ceremony; that in itself was a blessing.

But the spotlight was on Seva just one week later, on Sunday, June 15th, when she was baptized by Father Ed at our church, St. Charles Borromeo.  Once again, though, even with the spotlight on her, Seva did a great job of maintaining grace under pressure.  Father Ed gave a warning to us that the baptismal water was cold, which initially shocked Seva, but only five minutes later she was sound asleep.  It was pretty funny.  Also funny was Father Ed's comment to us afterward, saying something to the effect of "you've run out of sacraments."  It's true that we've made a nice run on sacraments in the past few months: our marriage, Jeannie's first communion, our confirmation, and Seva's baptism.  I guess we get to be regular parishioners now.

The other recent event that's been exciting has been the 2014 FIFA World Cup.  I could go on and on about the World Cup matches so far, but I'll avoid that temptation for now.  All I'll say is that I've very much enjoyed watching the matches.

Saw Ireland vs. Costa Rica at PPL Park, section 119, row J, seat 3 for $40.00 with Jess, Mita, and Eric.