My mom

More often than not, I can't stand my mom.  I can only take her in small, infrequent doses.  Our best conversations are by telephone, since she actually listens and pays attention.  In person, she is easily distracted and generally doesn't listen.  In fact, in almost every single in-person conversation with my mom these days, I eventually say something to the effect of: "as I just mentioned a few minutes ago..." or "I already answered that question."  Thankfully, she's usually a better listener with others.  But even that being said, I find myself cringing or feeling shame when I can visually observe her fail to pay attention to someone else -- I can actually see that she's not listening to what they're saying.  What should I do in that situation?  Say something to her, thereby putting her on the spot?  I just let it happen.  I don't say anything.  I know that it's a combination of anxiety/attention deficit, along with good old-fashioned self-centeredness, that leads my mother to completely zone out of the conversation and into her own thoughts, usually in advance of what she's about to say next.

Do I act this way?  Possibly, but I sure hope not.  When I began my career as a paralegal at [...], I prided myself on my own development into a good listener.  It was something that helped my clients to gain trust in me.  And in my personal life, it helped me to quickly develop close relationships with the women that I met.  At this point in time, though, to be honestly self-critical, I feel that I've lost that skill to a certain degree.  As a paralegal I met with a high volume of clients on a daily basis; that helped to hone that skill to a highly developed level.  Now, as a lawyer, with a much lower volume of client contact and somewhat less frequency, I feel that my level of this skill has diminished somewhat.

Anyway, back to my mom, one of her downfalls is that she always talks as if she knows with absolute certainty what she's talking about, which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so often on topics for which she has no real experience.  One of her favorite lead-in lines is: "they say...", to which I'll sometimes challenge her by asking "who is 'they'?"  In other words, she has no citations or authorities for her very bold opinions.

As a perfect example, my mom was very confident in a conversation with Jeannie today about how an IRA, like a 401(k), can be rolled-over into a Roth IRA.  Jeannie and I just met with a financial adviser today!  Jeannie told my mom that an already existing IRA cannot be rolled-over into a Roth IRA, unless of course the titleholder is willing to pay a large penalty fee.  Jeannie had to say this twice to my mom before she heard and understood her.  This example is typical of my mom.  She will be not just confident but stubbornly positive about her position/opinion, even if she has no backing for it.  Fortunately, Jeannie has a ton more patience than I do; it's one of the qualities I love most about her, since she certainly counterbalances me on that point.

Finally, to wrap-up this post, I'll admit that the impetus to write it was something that my mom said to me right before leaving earlier today.  As she was about to walk out the door, I came upstairs to bring a Gatorade bottle that she had left here from her previous visit.  I told her that she should take it since it was hers and I held on to it for her as she had said that I should.  My mom replied pointedly by saying "that's not true."  I felt angry right away and told her that I asked her to take it with her last time when she left, but she said then that I should keep it for her for the next time she came to visit -- which happened to be today.  She repeated "that's not true."  I felt very angry and asked her, "are you calling me a liar?" at which point Jeannie, who was already out the door with Seva, quickly said to my mom, "okay, let's go," in an attempt to ward off any kind of argument.  I wasn't in the mood to deal with it anyway, so I turned on my heels, went directly downstairs, and poured out the rest of the Gatorade down the kitchen sink, and recycled the plastic bottle.  This final vignette is another example of my mom: in her mind and memory, she can never be wrong.  It's so maddeningly annoying.  For which reason, I said that more often than not I can't stand my mom.