Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- early morning

I'm feeling okay these days. I really can't complain, but of course the grass is always greener on the other side. I have all these desires which I think will bring me greater happiness, but then I often think I'm deluding myself. For instance, I'm really digging a girl I met about a month ago (my entry on September 22, 2003 obliquely refers to my meeting her). Her name is Cherise, and she's currently dancing in a show at the Tropicana casino in Atlantic City. A first reaction would be that she must have a great body; no doubt about it. But I really like her for much more than that. It was very apparent to me early on that she is a very sweet, caring, and compassionate person. This is the type of girl I want to be with.

There's just a couple of problems, probably interconnected, that worry me. And this is what's on my mind these days, this excitement yet definite frustration. Cherise, who's also 25 (she's just about six months younger than me), had only been in Atlantic City for three weeks when I had met her. Prior to that, she had been living in Brooklyn with her 32 year old boyfriend. She tells me that it didn't work because he put too much pressure on her to stay by his side. Essentially, he was going to hold her down, and she really resented that. She was naturally recovering (or maybe still considering?) from that when I entered her life. I presented a totally different philosophy and respect, and she seems to be genuinely attracted to me.

But this past weekend, she told me that she needs some time - probably just a couple of weeks - to fully stabilize herself, before getting to a point where she can completely commit to me. This request of hers would explain her behavior a couple of other occasions when she made plans with me but then let me down. That behavior and those actions really disappointed me, and truthfully, put me slightly in a cautious mode. But I really like her nevertheless, and I can see that this is why I've felt uneasy a little bit these days.

But her current proposal also puts me in something of a compromising position. I now have to be patient while she gets herself straight. Although the timing is not bad, since Evan's bachelor party is this weekend, and then the wedding is two weeks later, I still dislike that feeling of waiting, and knowing that anything is possible in a couple of weeks. I remind myself that I must maintain faith in the natural course of events, but its not always reassuring at every moment. But perhaps this time will also give me a chance to reflect.

My main concern now is that one of my biggest lessons from my relationship with Heather is that long-distance relationships are generally not practical or functional. Of course Cherise is a different girl and I'm now living under different circumstances at a different point in my life. But the general point may still be legitimate, and quite relevant.

For now, I'm just playing it cool; avoiding any rash decisions. I really do like Cherise though. It might be nice to give this a shot. But, as always, as a dancer like Cherise surely knows, it takes two to tango.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- night

I'm listening to some Bob Marley, and I figured I'd write a little bit in my journal. I know I never followed up my last entry, but that's no surprise. It's quite typical of me.

Since that time, I"ve been seeing and talking with this girl named Cherise. I guess you would call that dating. I've really developed an attraction for her, but she's not really in a position to be in a relationship. Objectively speaking, I'm probably not either. I really need to get my ass in gear to start my applications for law school. I've already called to request applications from all the schools I think I'm going to apply to. Now its just a matter of applying myself to getting the ball rolling.

In other news, I've been taking a class in French. I've been picking it up pretty well. I think I'm one of the better students in the class, especially with regard to my accent. But I've always had a pretty good ear for languages and accents.

Last night, I finally finished reading "The Mismeasure of Man" by Stephen Jay Gould. It's the refutation to "The Bell Curve" the prime text espousing biological determinism, or scientific racism. "The Mismeasure of Man" was a bit difficult to understand at times because it was so laden with scientific lingo and logic. But, despite its sometimes difficulty, it made sense and I appreciated it. Now I'm reading "The Catcher in the Rye" which was given to me by Richard. So far, I'm cruising through it. It's much easier to read a fiction novel than to read scientific non-fiction.

Well, to move away from the superficial, I will comment on my mindset these days. I feel this stagnancy more and more in my life. I love my job, but I feel like I'm doing the same thing everyday. I'm falling way short of my potential, my abilities. And I'm feeling the pressure to do something that is more meaningful. That's why I have to get my shit together for law school. As fas as I can see right now, that's my next logical step, the step that I'm best-suited for.

But this inertia in my life is sometimes affecting my social life too. I have really enjoyed my time and feelings with Cherise, but I'm trying to check myself now, so as not to get ahead of myself. I must remain realistic. But its easy to fall into these feelings when it provides the only present challenge in my life. Also, obviously, it is very nice to spend quality time with a good woman. However, Cherise's career as a dancer is too transient to have any legitimate expectations. On my side too, if I get my shit together, I can't say with certainty where I'll be either. So for now I'm stuck. But I'll keep a good head on my shoulders and get disciplined to begin moving toward my goals.