Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- early morning

I'm feeling okay these days. I really can't complain, but of course the grass is always greener on the other side. I have all these desires which I think will bring me greater happiness, but then I often think I'm deluding myself. For instance, I'm really digging a girl I met about a month ago (my entry on September 22, 2003 obliquely refers to my meeting her). Her name is Cherise, and she's currently dancing in a show at the Tropicana casino in Atlantic City. A first reaction would be that she must have a great body; no doubt about it. But I really like her for much more than that. It was very apparent to me early on that she is a very sweet, caring, and compassionate person. This is the type of girl I want to be with.

There's just a couple of problems, probably interconnected, that worry me. And this is what's on my mind these days, this excitement yet definite frustration. Cherise, who's also 25 (she's just about six months younger than me), had only been in Atlantic City for three weeks when I had met her. Prior to that, she had been living in Brooklyn with her 32 year old boyfriend. She tells me that it didn't work because he put too much pressure on her to stay by his side. Essentially, he was going to hold her down, and she really resented that. She was naturally recovering (or maybe still considering?) from that when I entered her life. I presented a totally different philosophy and respect, and she seems to be genuinely attracted to me.

But this past weekend, she told me that she needs some time - probably just a couple of weeks - to fully stabilize herself, before getting to a point where she can completely commit to me. This request of hers would explain her behavior a couple of other occasions when she made plans with me but then let me down. That behavior and those actions really disappointed me, and truthfully, put me slightly in a cautious mode. But I really like her nevertheless, and I can see that this is why I've felt uneasy a little bit these days.

But her current proposal also puts me in something of a compromising position. I now have to be patient while she gets herself straight. Although the timing is not bad, since Evan's bachelor party is this weekend, and then the wedding is two weeks later, I still dislike that feeling of waiting, and knowing that anything is possible in a couple of weeks. I remind myself that I must maintain faith in the natural course of events, but its not always reassuring at every moment. But perhaps this time will also give me a chance to reflect.

My main concern now is that one of my biggest lessons from my relationship with Heather is that long-distance relationships are generally not practical or functional. Of course Cherise is a different girl and I'm now living under different circumstances at a different point in my life. But the general point may still be legitimate, and quite relevant.

For now, I'm just playing it cool; avoiding any rash decisions. I really do like Cherise though. It might be nice to give this a shot. But, as always, as a dancer like Cherise surely knows, it takes two to tango.