If you've found this blog and most especially if I've written about you here, please forgive me. I hope my thoughts have been sincere; I surely intended them to be so. If I was mean or unfair, forgive me. Many times when I write, it's because I have strong feelings. I hope that those feelings haven't skewed my ability to be fair and reasonable. I also hope that I haven't fallen too much into the trap of assuming too much, inaccurately reading between the lines, misperceiving people's words or actions, especially by taking something personally when I shouldn't have.
I'm human, though, just like you. That means that I'm a sinner just like you. I have my weaknesses and temptations, and at this age, I'm pretty aware of what those are -- even still, I continue to be tempted and I still sometimes think that I could have handled this situation or that in a different way. But oftentimes I'm tired or selfish or, again as above, I misinterpret the situation and thus react to the situation as it exists in my perception rather than act according to the objective reality of a situation. But am I that different from you in that way? We're all individuals, looking at the world through our own set of eyes, and can never -- none of us! -- know exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling. Even if you attempted to do so, you'd be doing so at the expense of your duties and responsibilities -- your duty to eat and sleep and piss and shit, as well as your responsibilities to go to school or to work and do your homework or your job. Those things get in the way of really getting to know other people as completely as you'd like. So we're all left doing the best we can. And sinning all along the way, whether it's due to our selfishness or jealousy, or quickness to anger or sadness, or on the other end of the spectrum, tendency not to react or care about others.
So, if I've written about you here, and if I've hurt your feelings in any way for what I've said, please forgive me. Perhaps this is the raw truth that I was too scared (or prudent) to voice out loud. Or perhaps this is simply my narrow, subjective view of who you are, or our relationship, or what I've seen you do or say.
Also remember: time. Time flies. Time heals all wounds. Once upon a time. What I wrote may have existed for just that moment, then later events modified my mindset, altering the validity of what I wrote. Maybe you changed, so I like you better (or worse) now. Or maybe I changed, and realized how wrong I was, or simply widened my understanding, and thus did my perspective and concomitant opinion. So among the three variables of me, you, and time, is the equation still the same? Certainly not. Thus, take with a grain of salt whatever I've written. Or just accept it as a fleeting truth that now exists in the same vein of the photos in an old newspaper: images which captured that very moment in time, but reflect something that does not exist any more, except as a memory in and of itself.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily trying to relieve any responsibility for effects of my writing. I'm just trying to put it in perspective, for me and you both.
I hope that I've been sincere. I hope that I've written from the heart, since so many times it's been me alone with a pen in a journal (later transcribed to this blog) or me alone in front of my computer, typing away, pouring my thoughts and my feelings into words on a page. I hope that I've been real. Because some day, in a future not too far away, I'll no longer be real. But these words shall remain. And I hope to God that there may be something of value here, not for anything earth-shattering, but simply for being from the heart. My heart. To yours...
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