doubts

every once in a while, i get this feeling that i will never settle down into a permanent relationship, not so much as a result of my own choice, but more because of circumstances. this feeling naturally comes up more frequently when i'm single. but this feeling also comes up occasionally when i'm in a relationship with someone. i've got that feeling right now.

yesterday i'd had an idea of how the night was going to turn out. i thought i was going to bring some tilapia to ileana's place, cook it up for us and eat it for dinner, then head to a musical performance at 9pm, and then meet up with some co-workers for karaoke at the trocadero. well, due to cleaning-up around the apartment and watching football on tv, and more than anything else, just from feeling pretty tired, the time flew and the evening went by. by the time i got a hold of ileana on the phone, it was just about 8:30pm, and i was still at home, not yet dressed and trying to figure out how the heck we were going to do everything that we'd had in mind. well, i guess i made an assumption that ileana had in my mind what i'd had in mind. this became clear when ileana told me, in that short phone conversation, that she was going to the show in a few minutes. right then i realized that i wasn't going to her place for dinner, that i'd have to cook the tilapia at my place, and that this whole last-minute change of plans really annoyed me to the point that i knew i wasn't going to want to go out at all. now, as an aside, i have to admit right here that i'd been feeling reluctant all along to doing karaoke with a group of co-workers, a few of which i'm not close with. so admittedly, i may have exploited this sudden change of plans as a reason to avoid going to the troc.

but there were a few deeper feelings going on too. and they reveal my own insecurities involved in my relationship with ileana. two things came to my mind. first, the show that ileana was going to was a brazilian musical performance. and by me having to stay home to cook the tilapia (because i had defrosted it two nights before, i had to either cook it last night or throw it out for fear of it having gone bad), that meant that ileana was going to the show alone. well, here's where i admit to you, the reader, that ileana's immediate ex-boyfriend, whom she was still dating when she and i first started spending time, left for brazil less than four months ago, thereby effectively ending their relationship, and opening the door for me. so for ileana to go alone to a brazilian music show signified to me a chance for ileana -- with me out of sight and out of mind -- to think about and reminisce on her ex-boyfriend. second, to add a bit of credence to this worry was the fact that something from the night before was still on my mind. on friday night, ileana and i stopped into good dog, a bar on 15th street near locust, to see if my friend madhu was still there, as he had texted me a bit earlier. while searching for madhu throughout the bar, ileana saw a guy who she knew. she began talking with him, and after texting madhu that i was there, i approached to introduce myself. the guy seemed very nice, and was obviously gay. then he told ileana that he really liked her ex-boyfriend, although he liked my eyes. i took the back-handed compliment in stride. and a couple minutes later, when ileana apologized to me for the guy's comment, i told her, rightly so, that she had no control over what he said. nevertheless, the seed of insecurity was planted in my mind, and it was sown the next night when ileana went to the brazilian show all by herself, ditching me at home to cook the tilapia.

now, before i go any further, can i admit that my fears are probably irrational? am i being insecure? yes and yes. but can i help myself? not really. it angers me that i began my relationship with ileana at a time when she was still going out with another guy. and although the greater part of me is happy that he's out of the picture by still being in brazil as i write this, a part of me wishes he was back here in philly so that i could feel more assured that ileana was still sticking with me, even with him in town. in other words, my insecurity is that when he comes back, she goes back to be with him, thereby ditching me to cook tilapia every night if i desire. i hate feeling this way. and i'm not sure what to do about it.

notably, after the brazilian musical show, ileana took it upon herself to come by my place to see if she would get me to go out with her or, i assume, stay in with me for the night. and although i give her a little bit of credit for coming here after the show, my overactive mind was already fast at work by that point, and i just wanted her to leave me alone for the night. she respected my wishes, even though she said i was acting like an asshole, and she left, presumably to meet up with all our co-workers as originally planned. i stayed in to finish cooking the tilapia and watch tv for the rest of the night.

it's now almost 24 hours later and i still haven't communicated with ileana all day long. my worst fears are dominating my thoughts. my insecurities are impelling me to solitude. i've stayed in to watch the villanova vs. georgetown basketball game, then cowboys-vikings, and now jets-chargers. up to this point i had decided that i wanted to be alone the rest of the weekend, and not see ileana again until work on tuesday. of course i'm second-guessing that decision now. but my fears remain.

and they remain against the backdrop of ileana's emotions towards me. on the positive, ileana has spent a whole lot of time with me over the past four months; in fact, we've been almost inseparable. and she will periodically kiss me on the cheek, for no reason at all. but on the downside, she's never really talked about a future for us, and she's never told me that she loves me. in the final analysis, to the extent that i can possibly be objective, i know that i have little or nothing to worry about, i know that i'm quite likely being irrational and letting my insecurities get to me. but that's how i feel right now, and i can't help myself. if ileana loves me, then i have nothing to worry about. and that's why i'm just gonna lay low, and wait to hear from her. and in the meantime, hope that my insecurities dissipate at least a little bit.

i'm gonna go back to drinking my beer and watching the end of the jets-chargers game now. it looks like i'm staying in by myself tonight.