Love hurts

Man, love really can cut both ways. Any time you give your heart to someone, you are taking a risk, whether you realize it or not, that the person to whom you are giving your heart is giving you their heart in return and that they will continue to do so. Even if you are married, don't take love for granted, because as one of my close friends just realized -- his wife left him to re-live a youth that she never really lived in the first place -- nothing is guaranteed in this life, nothing.

I couldn't sleep last night because I wanted to post my thoughts on Diana. I almost got out of bed at around 3am, but then I decided that I would just write about it today. As fate would have it, she and I chatted on IM earlier today.

A certain degree of guilt regarding Diana is what kept me up for a little while last night. I know that she's hurt by the fact that I did a complete about-face in my relationship with her. Throughout my time with her, I acted authentically, based on how I felt at the time. I did not intend that -- nor could I foresee how -- the trip would make me begin to realize certain things that would make me reconsider my relationship with her.

The real time of transition in our relationship was my first week back in Philadelphia after my return from southeast Asia at the end of November up until my birthday on December 5th. That process consisted entirely of realizing that I could not and did not want to pursue a relationship with Diana. There were certain things about her that I began to reflect on as a result of long conversations with Paul during the trip and also within my own head both during and immediately after my trip. The conclusion that I had to pause that relationship, if not stop it altogether, was reached independent of any outside influence.

It was not until after my birthday that I even began to consider anything serious with Cherise. To be unequivocally clear then: there was no overlap between Diana and Cherise in any way, shape, or form. Although I can understand from a third-person's perspective that the timing appears conveniently close, there is no connection.

I remember on my birthday that part of me wanted Diana to join me and my friends, but ultimately my true inclination was that I was still struggling with how to most gently and respectfully let her down and back off the relationship, so I didn't really want to see her on what was meant to be a fun night for me.

In our IM chat earlier today, Diana accused me of lying to her. Yet she did not and has never offered any example of when I actually lied to her. And the fact of the matter is that I never lied to her. I understand that she's saying that in an attempt to convince herself that I'm a bad guy. Although I undoubtedly hurt her by failing to live up to the expectations which I myself had played a part in setting up, I never lied. Once I realized that there were seeds of doubt and discontent on my part, I talked about them openly with one of my best friends. And I took the time to deliberate within my own head what the best course of action would be. Once I came back to Philly and saw Diana, my thoughts coalesced, and I quickly realized that the relationship was over for me. So I began delicately backing out, doing my best to do so respectfully. I didn't mention anything about Cherise, because she had nothing to do with it (in fact, Cherise would later complain that I didn't contact her when I got back from my trip, which is very true, because my complete attention was focused on Diana and how to slowly back out of that situation).

I'm legitimately angry and offended that Diana has accused me of lying. I'm a very honorable person (that's part of why I became a lawyer) and I demand truth from everyone around me as much as I'm truthful to everyone in my life, sometimes to a fault. So for someone to accuse me of lying is a major insult to me. Diana, if you read this, let's hear one concrete example of when I've lied to you.

I would truly like to clear the air with Diana and begin the new year as civil, mutually respectful acquaintances, if not friends. But to the extent that she continues to exhibit her immaturity through baseless accusations, I become less and less inclined to deal with such a person -- I simply have enough problems to deal with that I don't need more negativity piled on.

I'm observant and aware enough to realize that the end of my relationship with Diana, in combination with the competition that Cherise intentionally threw in my face at the end of the month, impelled me to assert myself toward Cherise much more than I would have otherwise done. Is that such a bad thing if I've loved Cherise all this time, despite trying to bury it or ignore it, and if Cherise still loves me too? I don't think so.

Sooner or later I would have come to the conclusion that I should not pursue a relationship with Diana, regardless of anything and everything and everyone else. Looking objectively at my purpose in her life, I think I was meant to help her break up with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was mired in a stagnant and unfulfilling relationship.

I feel sorry for hurting her and for letting her down. But I was honest at every step of the way, from the beginning when things were fresh to the end when I realized that it just wasn't right. Although I certainly feel sorry for hurting Diana's feelings, I cannot be sorry for being honest with myself and with those effected by me.