Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- night

Today is the first full day I've taken off from work in the past four and a half months, since my return from Costa Rica. I spent almost the entire day sleeping. I wasn't sick at all, and not really even exhausted; my body was just greedy for a day of inactivity. The reason I was kinda tired, though, can be traced back to the weekend.

Friday night was a good time. I hit the town with Evan and Corey. After drinking a bunch of gin-and-tonic's at McGlinchey's, we went to Olde City to: Paradigm, then Lucy's Hat Shop, then to after-hours at Mirage, where I ended up dancing for a while with this black girl. I felt like I was in a music video. I finally got in to my place at 4:30 a.m.

Saturday was spent chilling and recovering a little. Then later, Corey and I drove back to Medford for a house party. Julie had invited me and told me there would be a crowd of about 10-15. The party itself was only okay, but immediately after getting there a really good-looking girl sat down at the table where Corey and I were eating some burgers. We got into a conversation; the whole time I kept things cool.

Later, Corey wanted to go back to Philly, and I said I'd go too, but then Julie said I should stay to have fun with the girl, Heather. I said I'd probably still leave, but then Heather told me to stay. She said she wanted to take me on a tour of the house, so I said sure. When we got to the landing at the top of the second floor, we started talking and flirting. So I suddenly moved in to kiss her and she responded well. After a few minutes, we went back down to the party. I told Corey I'd stay; he left back for Philly about an hour later.

A little bit later after that, Heather and I went upstairs to a guest bedroom. Needless to say, I ended my period of nine months abstinence. Her body was amazing and fortunately, I had the endurance to keep her going for four hours straight, thereby keeping the whole house awake. We had a great time together.

The next morning I went with Justin and his girl, Alice, to drop off Heather at the airport to pick-up her rental car to drive back to her home in Charlotte, North Carolina. We flirted and kissed the whole way. It was kinda disappointing to drop her off since we definitely had a connection. We decided we'd keep in touch and just see what happened.

The whole thing was good for a lot of reasons. Primarily, I was happy and I had fun. But I also proved I can still attract a very attractive girl and impress her. This makes me very happy and surely gives me hope for the future.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- night

So another weekend has passed, this being a Sunday night. Its times like this that I feel I'm stuck in samsara, destined to eternally live for the weekends but always wondering at their conclusion how long the cycle will last.

And of course, I look back and wonder 'how' and 'why' I spent so much money. I have to be mindful of my spending since my rent here is higher than it had been at 2008. So far, I seem to be stuck in a financial quagmire, generally the same amount going out as is coming in. That's a very precarious way of living and I really need to consider curtailing my consumption (both the alcoholic and financial types since they go hand-in-hand). I have to put more focus toward my goals of furnishing and finishing my apartment, and then making a somewhat costly investment in purchasing a personal computer. But these are all material desires.

I am quite happy these days, but sometimes when I am alone, I am confronted with the seeds of my discontent: the loneliness in which I contemplate and the instability of life itself. I wonder what its all about. I ponder my purported goals and then wonder what my goals should be. I think about what is really important in life. And eventually I drive myself to the point of feeling lost and alone. From there, my thoughts drift toward the trivial tasks of tomorrow, toward women and lust, or toward lofty dreams of a glorious future. And one of those three, then, usually carries me into temporary unconsciousness. And so it goes.