Friday, April 25, 2003

Medford, New Jersey -- night

Well, its a Friday night, and I'm staying in. Depending on which way you spin it, I'm either becoming more mature or else I'm just getting old. Either way, here I am. And I'm totally exhausted. Commuting is really draining my energy. For that reason, I look forward to moving back into the city. But on the other hand, it has been a strange comfort to be here in Medford. I think I'm even a bit scared to live on my own. Not out of any fear of danger. But out of a fear of being lonely. I imagine that living a solitary life demands much discipline, especially self-discipline. And really what that means is keeping a steady head on one's shoulders. It will be an interesting challenge.

I thought it was amazing - sitting and talking with Ethan in Rittenhouse Square - earlier this evening - that he was bitching so much about not being able to talk to his girlfriend tonight, and also how he hates seeing other couples when he's not with his girlfriend. I told him gently that he should be grateful that he has a girlfriend, and that he should have faith in the relationship that they will one day have much more time together. I implied also that others' happiness really has nothing to do with his own happiness, or sometime lack thereof. My advice was very mature, but I was quick to temper it by saying that I understand how one can get caught up in feelings, desires, and expectations. I've made plenty of mistakes by thinking too emotionally like that. I hope I've learned my lesson, and can keep a cool head when I'm in a situation like Ethan was today.

Well, since Ethan has been giving me rides to get to and from work, I invited into the city after work today to treat him to dinner. We went to Monk's at 16th and Spruce. I drank a Chimay Triple to go along with my bacon and cheddar burger and basket of fries. It was great and definitely hit the spot as I had hoped.

Now, on to work; this week was especially productive. And I proved to myself that I have all the skills that I had prior to my hiatus. Nearly every case from this week was determined to be perfect advice upon review by Stephanie. I only really had a question on one case, a divorce matter. So far, work has been pretty good. Nevertheless, I'm still looking to be transferred to a new position, and all the challenges that will entail, and hence all the experience it will offer.

Now, in terms of recent activities, I will say that Corey and I went to a Chivas scotch whiskey event at the Union League this past Wednesday. Really, when it comes down to it, there's not much to say about it. It was a nice opportunity to see the inside of the Union League, which is not surprisingly lavish and luxurious. I had just a few drinks of whiskey, which was terrible. But, oh well, it was all free, so nothing lost there. Well, I'm really exhausted now, so I'll stop here.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Medford, New Jersey -- night

Okay, its been a while again since I've written here, I should just accept the fact that life here is much faster, and despite all the technology to make life easier, I'm busier than ever (at least in recent times). Also, although there are special moments almost every day, it just seems more hum-drum here. Nothing compares to fording the Rio Bongo, getting chased by an angry bull, or travelling every other day to a new town to meet new people.

In recent news, this past Friday I sat down with Anita, the executive director of PLA, to discuss my desire to transfer to another unit. As I explained to her, I know I could be a good family law practitioner. But I want to be better than good; I want to be great. So, as I said, I will not go to law school until I have found an area of law in which I can be not only committed, but passionate. In family law, I love helping people. But I have no motive to drive me day in and day out to fight for other people's rights in the areas of custody, support, divorce, paternity, and protection from abuse. I think my feelings and thoughts of not having a family of my own has something to do with that lack of drive. Really, I don't even care to have a girlfriend. Other things are just too important. My time, energy, and money are all better put toward other objectives. I'm sure I'm a bit cynical still too. A relationship just doesn't appeal to me. This sentiment may not last, but I don't foresee any change any time soon.

Anyway, getting back to PLA, Anita said that she has some ideas (in the area of community-based lawyering) and that she will keep me posted. The meeting was very positive. I'm interested to see what she comes up with. Very simply, I'm ready for a new challenge. I want to test myself and diversify my skills, professionally and personally.

Okay, in the area of self-education, I finished "Lituma en los Andes" by the Peruvian writer Mario Vargas Llosa. For the past few days, I have been reading "The Lenin Anthology." Perhaps lessons in revolutionary politics, specifically in practical activism, will provide me with examples of leadership in action. I hope so. We shall see.

This past Saturday, I had a house party in which all the guys (Corey, Ethan, Evan, Bill, Paul) showed up. It was only the second time ever that we all ever hung out. It was less of a party, though, than a chill get-together. Evan came with Amy. Ethan came with Christine. And Bill came with Nancy. Paul, Corey, and I were rolling solo. Mita did the great majority of work in preparing a Tico meal; I finished it up. Only Evan and Amy didn't eat. Everyone else loved the food. Of course the Salsa Lizano put it all over the top.

After dinner, we sat around the table and talked. The two main topics were Evan and Amy's wedding, and my beard. Talking about the latter was hilarious because it dominated about half an hour of conversation. Later, we played one game of mushroom, a beer-drinking game. Then, we all broke off into little groups, with Paul and Corey joining me one the back deck to smoke Tico "Flor Real" cigars. I drank a good amount, but even still, I was surprised to wake up at sunrise the next morning passed-out on the couch downstairs. I certainly don't plan on drinking like that again any time soon. But even though I passed-out, I was chill through the whole night. All in all, it was a very nice time. So, I guess that's all for now.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Reaction to An Opinion

The United States did not get involved in Iraq for purely humanitarian reasons. In fact, the justifications put forth by the President were that Iraq had nuclear and biological weapons that needed to be eliminated. So far, of course, nothing has been found, making this war a mistake according to its stated purpose. But many supporters of the war proudly point to the 'liberation' of Iraq from a tyrannical despot, Saddam Hussein. Although I am not against this end (especially since Iraq was widely known to be a leading human rights offender), there is something to be said for the respect of the sovereignty of a nation. And if the human rights situation in any nation becomes so oppressive and death-dealing that it merits international intervention (overriding that respect for a nation's sovereignty), it should be exactly that: "international." That is, the United Nations must take initiative to intervene on behalf of the rights of all humankind.

Some pro-war advocates have also been pushing the philosophy that the United States must act proactively for its interests and security. [...] In this specific case, however, the justifications seem unwarranted. In the previous paragraph, I grant you that Saddam Hussein is a threat to his own people. But there is yet to be clear evidence that he is a direct threat to the United States. As of this writing, there have been no nuclear or biological weapons found in Iraq, and furthermore, even if there were, Iraq does not have long-range missile capability, and therefore cannot threaten United States land/territory.

To be proactive - specifically militarily proactive - is very dangerous when one cannot present valid, solid justifications. Although the outcome of Gulf War II may appear positive, at least insofar as it will liberate the Iraqi people from a dictator, it presents a dangerous precedent (and a dangerous example) to the rest of the world: that anyone can pre-emptively attack anyone else in an unprovoked situation.

In the case of Gulf War II, this is being seen by the rest of the world as arrogance on the part of the United States government. Please understand how dangerous this is. The United States (with the exception of only Great Britain and Spain) has no support in the world. Again, although the outcome of Gulf War II may appear positive, the long-reaching consequences may severely and negatively impact the United States. To lose the international popular support that had been gained as a result of the September 11, 2001 tragedy is a failure of the current administration. Even more unfortunate is that the consequences will very likely outlive this administration.

In this brief summary, I have not touched on economic or geopolitical reasons for the war; perhaps some other time. To sum up, I cannot say that I am completely anti-war because of the humanitarian aspect of the war. However, to be cold and calculating for a minute, that is beside the point. I say this because this war was not fought for humanitarian reasons. And so, in this context, I do not support this war.

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Medford, New Jersey -- night

Tomorrow is Mita's birthday, but we celebrated it tonight. Mita, Jessica, and I just got back from dinner at El Azteca on Rt. 73 in Mt. Laurel; I paid the bill. The food was pretty good and I used the opportunity to speak Spanish.

As I write this, I'm leaning on my left elbow while listening to a radio program on Temple University Public Radio, 90.1 FM, which runs every Saturday night from 9pm to 12 midnight. The program is all latin music, mostly salsa.

This past week at work I was supposed to do workshops at halfway houses around the city each evening on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Since the trainings each evening were scheduled from 6pm to 7pm, Richard invited me to live with him for the week. The two experiences, at the halfway houses and with Richard, were interesting.

I'll start first by reflecting on my visits to the halfway houses. On Tuesday evening, I led a training to a group of four ex-prisoners at 15th and Cecil B. Moore, right by Temple University. It was my first training, and definitely a test of my knowledge of family law, after just returning from four months away. I was fairly informal in the presentation, but still presented the information quite clearly. I talked to the ex-prisoners using their first names. And of course, whenever I got the chance, I threw in a funny remark or comment to keep things light. At the end of the presentation, I spoke for a few minutes with Gilbert Coleman, from the Mayor's Office of Community Services. We had a nice conversation, and as I found out the next day from his colleague, he was impressed by my presentation.

Unfortunately, though, the next two evenings were not as rewarding. Each of the next two evenings, not one ex-prisoner showed up. It ended up being nearly a complete waste of time. On Wednesday evening, the only redeeming event was listening to one of the wardens at the halfway house speak his opinion (which he stressed was from the "old school"), and then the ride I got from Shareef El-Amin and our conversation from 407 North 8th Street to the intersection of Broad and Erie.

Since I had gotten a ride, I arrived earlier than expected and had to wait for Richard to arrive. While I was sitting on a cement ledge, I noticed a black woman approaching me from behind. Quite abruptly, she says to me without any sort of introduction: "We will call you Fernandez." Of course she was all by herself. So it was very apparent that she was either a mental health patient or a drug abuser. In that area, and based on her appearance, it was probably the latter. I acknowledged her by saying that I liked the name. But she just kept on walking, even while continuing her public conversation. Just a couple minutes later, Richard pulled up in his black Cadillac.

Thursday night was not much better. I went to the halfway house at 1221 Bainbridge Street. When I got there, I got into a basic, but good conversation with an ex-prisoner while waiting for the guy from the Mayor's Office to show up. The guy was 41 years old, and seemed to have finally gotten his head on straight. He cared a lot for his kid, and says his only addiction was to buying clothes. I hope that is the truth, not only for his sake but also for his kid's sake. When the guy from the Mayor's Office arrived, there were no prisoners there that had interest in a legal presentation. For the second night in a row, I did not present anything. The extent of my involvement was responding to a couple of hypothetical scenarios presented by another assistant from the Mayor's Office. So, all in all, it was a disappointing experience and a lost challenge.

A somewhat bright spot, though, was staying with Richard for the week. Although I was exhausted every night, we did spend solid time together out of the office. Surprisingly though, we did not have any long or deep conversations. So in that aspect too, this past week fell short of what it could have been. Those things happen though, so no sweat.

I believe I'm starting to realize a re-orientation, a re-direction, in my professional interests. I have certain goals which I am seriously considering. I will save this for my next entry, though, since I am feeling very tired. Corey and I hit the town last night, so I think I used all my reserves then. Well, I hope to write again tomorrow. We shall see.

Thursday, April 3, 2003

Medford, New Jersey -- night

It's still crazy to see 'Medford, New Jersey' in the caption. Although being back still feels quite bittersweet, there have already been some touching, positive moments.

Later in the work day today, I had a chance to talk with Michael, my 15-year old Ukrainian friend. He told me that the first Monday at work after I had left for my trip, he had felt very sad. He told me that later that same night, he felt so depressed that he took a few drinks from a bottle of whiskey to put him to sleep. From that point on, he would tap my door every day when passing as a far-away gesture of friendship; it was his way of making daily contact with me despite the distance. He told me that before I had left, I had been his best friend. I had always tried to bring Michael under my wing to provide him a good example of a good man who treats everyone with love and respect. His admissions really touched me, especially that he had the strength and sensitivity to open up to me. I felt very honored.

Soon after, when I had left work, I stopped to talk to the black homeless man on 15th and Chestnut, always sitting on an upturned bucket next to the blue mailboxes. I had promised him a good conversation. But very quickly into it, he told me about how so many times he had considered killing himself by throwing himself in front of a bus or a Mack truck. What he said stopped him were his friendships. Then, he told me how much he missed me while I was gone. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he had to wipe his eyes. I told him my thoughts, that I respected him very much to remain so strong in his position. I also pointed out that during our conversation, at least several people had said 'hello' to him. I said that is the purpose of life: to spread love, and then to wait for it to come back to you. I told him that I considered him my friend, as I consider everyone. And I said that each person has a purpose in this lifetime, although one may never discover it while walking on this earth. I told him that he is effecting other people's lives, whether he realizes it or not. For that reason, he must continue to live, and to spread love. And that as long as the sun shall rise each day, so shall I. And hence, so must he. I told him to always have faith in God, and to live and love. His feelings and expressions really touched me. It made me feel good to help someone. And I feel better for the day when I will need help.

Besides that, the only other big news is that I spoke with Evan tonight, and he asked me to be a part of his groom's party. Of course I accepted.

Also, I met with my first client in person since my return. It was a complex case comprising of custody, child support, and protection from abuse. I took the facts, analyzed them, and advised her. To verify my skills, I checked with Stephanie to check my advice. She told me that I hadn't lost my touch. It felt good to know that. Although I wasn't really surprised, it was a nice challenge.

Well, tomorrow I go to court with Richard, dressed in shirt, tie, and jacket, whereas that time last week I was walking down the main street of Samara, Costa Rica in just a bathing suit and flip-flops. Oh well, it's all good. There's a reason for all of this. Just gotta have faith and keep on moving.

Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Medford, New Jersey -- night

Today is April Fool's Day, but it's no joke that I'm back in the United States. My initial feelings at being here are of sadness and disappointment; I really wish I was still in Costa Rica. Of course I had to come back to take care of Mita. I also had to return to resume my position at PLA. However, if Mita ws completely healthy and happy, I think I would have considered - and quite probably decided to stay - in Costa Rica. But, oh well, here I am.

I kept my beard today when I went to work, partly for the expected humorous shock, but really primarily as a loud, yet unspoken message of where I am now coming from and who I am. More than ever, I feel totally out of place in the corporate world and its morning and evening commuters. If only they knew. The prospect of re-capping my days with Paul may be looking slim, but I hope to find time this weekend to sit down and write.

So to quickly re-cap today (since I am very tired), I spent most of the day either talking to co-workers about my travels or catching up on my email. I also took some time to clean and organize my office, as well as review all the files and programs on my computer. As always, I demand order to facilitate the most effective work and service possible. Tomorrow I will begin calling clients; so I will be back in the swing of things that quickly. I sense that my confidence and ease have both increased significantly; through that I will gain more respect and more trust.

Well, the time has come to put my pen down. I'll do some reading before hitting the sack. The excitement of today's first day at work has worn off; I really don't look forward to going to work tomorrow.