Guapiles, Costa Rica -- afternoon

I realize that this is my first entry outside of San Jose. Since reading my book is my only steady measure of progress, I have made the decision to remain in Guapiles until I finish the book. At this point, I have approximately 160 pages left. I hope to finish the book by Thursday night in order to travel to Pital de San Carlos on Friday morning.

I also realize that the supposed date for my return to the United States, February 7, is quickly approaching. And hence the need to make a decision as to whether I will go or not is becoming increasingly prominent.

My mother called me here at the home of Tia Sula this past Sunday night (today is Tuesday), but I wasn't here. I had gone with Carlos to the bar he is managing to translate their menu from Spanish to English. My mother will call again this Sunday to speak with me. I'm interested to see what she will say; almost undoubtedly her words and thoughts will influence my decision. As liberated as I am from a wife or girlfriend, mortgage or rental payments, I am still tied to my mother. I am very cognizant of the fact that she needs support, namely emotional support, and that I have been and am her primary source of support. My love for my mother denies me the liberty to ignore her wishes. To re-state that from another angle, however, I am fully aware that the responsibility of that choice lies completely with me; I don't proclaim to deny my own self-accountability.

As for my own thoughts, I realize that I must live a purposeful life. The purposes of my time in Costa Rica were varied. First, I intended to re-connect with family by spending valuable time. After nearly two months here, I feel confident that I have fulfilled that purpose.

Secondly, I intended to refresh my contact with a culture and a life different from that which I was living and experiencing in Philadelphia. During my time here, including presently, I have been and am sufficiently fulfilling that purpose.

Thirdly, I intended to take advantage of more free, leisure time to devote to my self-education. As I will soon have finished the 1069-page book, Atlas Shrugged, during my two months here, I have been fulfilling that purpose.

Fourth, I intended to enjoy a brief, but solid vacation from the routine of a steady job. With my several trips to each ocean, I have fulfilled that purpose.

Fifth, and perhaps most personal, I intended to provide a definite separation from the chapter of my life in which I was with Heather and subsequently my period of loss after ending the relationship. I intended to use my trip to Costa Rica as a clean break from that part of my life, to use this trip almost as a form of catharsis, so that I could begin anew. Very much connected with that separation, I intended for this trip to de-sexualize me. Partly due to the culture in the United States, but mostly due to my feeling of needing to enact new sexual experiences to perhaps 'convincing' myself of moving on from my relationship, I had been quite sexual in my desires while in Philadelphia. I predicted that this trip to a different, less-sexual culture, which naturally included a much different social life, as well as daily lifestyle, would serve to de-sexualize me. I can say with full confidence that my predictions and intentions have been fulfilled.

In some ways it is ironic that I set the date for my return to the United States at just over two months here in Costa Rica. I say this because, as I just explicated, I have sufficiently fulfilled the purposes and intentions with which I came. This necessarily leads me to re-evaluate my situation, spatially-temporally and, for lack of a better word, professionally, and decide in what direction I will go. I must now re-evaluate to determine a new set of purposes, according to those goals and desires which I value. This is the crux of my present dilemma.

My heart impels me to set off on journeys of my own. The pro's in this are maturation, self-(in)dependence, a still greater improvement in my Spanish language abilities, a wider experience of other cultures/countries/peoples. Following this path would take advantage of my largely-liberated current position in life. The potential con's are the perception of a loss of time/energy during a valuable point in my life, as well as a loss of the stable lifestyle I had been living in Philadelphia. But, as just implied in previous sentence, the con's may only be recognized if perceived as such.

Oftentimes, life is a matter of perception. For instance, the more conservative majority of society in the United States would perceive a decision to travel extensively as a waste of time and energy, as I already stated. In fact, I'm sure that a certain number of my friends and acquaintances believe this, even just for my two-month hiatus. And this opinion despite the fact that my employer is holding my position for me.

Now, to examine the option of the mind as opposed to that of the heart. I can return to my job at Philadelphia Legal Assistance on February 10. At that point, I would continue to work as a paralegal for at least another year, up to another year and a half. I would likely apply for admission to law school for fall 2004. For the next year or more, I would return to the life and lifestyle I had been living before this trip. As for a pro, this plan would provide stability and a well-laid-out course. As a con, it would signify a return to a life which would present few or no challenges, considering my past experience at the job and in that life.

Perhaps at first glance the option of the mind would seem the more rational, since it would imply little or no risk and each step would be clearly logical. It would also bring an almost certain comfort, if not luxury, in financial terms. However, the option of the heart would come with a certain degree of risk or even danger. Depending on perception, this may be a con, or as I see it, as a thrilling challenge. And it is that latter which is beautiful. I will be challenging myself.

Furthermore, the purpose of life is to live, affirm life, and produce for the constructive betterment of oneself and also society as a whole. If I embark of the option of the heart, while constantly maintaining that purpose in life, through self-education, in reading and experience, I will be affirming a rational decision. Although not necessarily accepted by society in general, I can and will maintain faith in the purpose and direction of my decision, while maintaining confidence while enacting the decision until reaching my next crossroads.

I believe, as one can most clearly see I'm sure, that my decision is all but final. The only other factor/influence to consider will be my conversation with my mother this coming Sunday. We shall see what the final result is. In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy "pura vida"!