Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -- early morning

I'm lying on my stomach while leaning on my elbows as I write this. I'm on top of the bed, all alone in the apartment. And that's what leads me to write this: loneliness. It's been difficult to sleep lately. When I go to bed every night, I'm suffocated by the silence and the darkness. So last night, a Friday night, I let Rocky and Moda stay in the room with me. Although their presence and activity caused its own problems in my sleep, I felt that I was not alone. And that part was nice. Cherise has been gone since the very beginning of May. Now it's two and a half months later. I wonder how many solitary nights that's been. I'm sure many people wouldn't feel sorry for me at all. That's fine. Even still, it does nothing to alleviate my utter feeling of solitude. I live in the fifth largest city in this country, and yet I feel like I'm all alone. I have more than a handful of acquiantances in the city, but that's all they are, acquiantances. I don't necessarily feel compelled to develop a friendship with them, despite my apparent need for companionship. I believe that's partly due to a lack of compatibility, in the ultimate analysis. When it comes down to it, they serve as the requisite contacts that all professionals (and others too, I'm sure) seem to need. Also, more importantly, I feel that my desire for companionship is meant to be with a woman. And so, Cherise's absence puts my in a difficult situation. I have maintained the position that her expected return in September will be a permanent return, meaning she won't leave again. But there is no guarantee to that. And so, once again, I'm waiting to see if reality will comply with expectations, or not. And that is precisely the problem: I am waiting. I have been relegated to a passive role; my life is on pause. The control over my present and my near-future is not in my hands; or so it seems. Well, I'm tired of writing now. And that means that it is time for bed. Only God knows whether I will fall asleep reasonably quickly or not. My final observation is that my loneliness has led me to pray and speak with God more often. For that, I must believe that everything happens for a reason. There must be a divine design.